By Travis August 19, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Madonna turned 55 on Friday, so she did what every other 55-year old woman would do and threw a huge party and dressed like a fancy stripper nearly a third of her age. Actually, she dressed up like Marie Antoinette if Marie were a fancy stripper nearly a third her age, and then she further killed the few heterosexual penises in the room by shaking her ass all over her 26-year old boyfriend Brahim Zaibat.
I’m not saying that a women old enough to be a grandmother shouldn’t be having a little fun on her birthday, but Madonna should be spending her special day by gambling her savings away in a casino or driving up to Vancouver to pick up some discounted Lipitor. Hell, at the very least, she should do it by wearing pants.
(Photo Credit: Madonna’s Instagram)
By Lex August 16, 2013 @ 2:50 PM
Madonna had a good run. She made a shit ton out of precious few natural resources. She’s like Hong Kong. But now she needs to turn the chieftain stick over to her daughter Lourdes. Lourdes has tools her mother never had. Like the innate talents to draw in a straight male audience. Time to chip away the ice floe and send Madonna on her next great adventure. Goodbye, Madge, we’ll see you on the other side.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex August 12, 2013 @ 6:12 PM
Don’t think Madonna is adopting kids from around the globe and training them in weapons combat just to win more UNICEF medals. Madonna is tied deep into the seventh layer of the Kabbalah mystics. She knows what kinds of apocalyptic dangers are on the horizon. She’s building a freaking Benetton midget army to hold the temple. Also, now that her boyfriend is eighteen, he can use the real paint pellets so it’s much more fun.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin
By Travis June 25, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Despite the fact that she’s constantly preaching about peace and gun control, Madonna sure loves to use guns and violence in her performances while telling people that it’s art. So of course her strange new trailer for “Secret Project” has her executing a man with a revolver, like she’s a 54-year old, veiny Pablo Picasso.
Proving that she’s still hipper than all the other dancing grannies, Madonna also uses a hashtag in the video, and I’m sure she told the director to include it “so the kids can put it on their Twatters and Spacebooks” before emailing her bank info to those poor boys in Nigeria and clicking this link to meet sexy singles near her for no strings sex.
By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 6:52 PM
As Madonna marches ever forward into her transformation into an anorexic Chloe Webb, don’t think for a minute she’s forgotten about the world’s children. The Sound of Change concert in London over the weekend was dedicated to making the world better for women and girls, especially in troubled impoverished nations with names I can’t begin to pronounce. And what better way to rescue those kids than just pluck them from their native lands. Sure you can remotely sponsor those wide-eyed kids from places where 14th century diseases still fester, but who knows where that money is going. Rather, buy them outright for some shiny trinkets and fly them out of their shithole on your Gulfstream like Madonna did. You can’t fly them all out, but maybe the ones who get left behind can dream about the ones who made it and that’ll make their child prostitution shifts go a little faster.
Photo Credit: PCN, WENN, Bauer-Griffin
By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 1:44 PM
You could play a great scary joke on passersby if you could get that mannequin to thrust out an arm. Imagine the horror of a grade schooler as pop star Skeletor grabs them by the neck and a voice box recites ‘I need the blood of children to keep me young’. Fucking eh. I never found haunted houses scary as a kid, but waxen freaky Madonna would’ve made me shit my shorts.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty