which one is madonna?

By brendon April 07, 2010 @ 11:44 AM

Madonna of course ~~stole~~ adopted a little girl from Malawai last year, and this week the two of them returned for the groundbreaking of a new school for girls. Madonna is bankrolling most of this, but please don’t think that stopped her from looking like an elitist old cunt for even one day.

The average person in Malawai makes $160 a year, so maybe it was insensitive to wear 1000 dollar boots to christen a villages well. Her first clue should have been that they have a fucking well. If you’re someplace with a well, that place sucks.

And she wore a pair of 300 dollar sunglasses. Oh I’m sorry, two pair. From a new line of sunglasses that will be out in May called MDG. The ‘D’ stands for ‘Dolce’. The “G” stands for ‘Gabbana’. Now try and guess who the ‘M’ stands for. Hurry up and guess because I’m no good with secrets.

But I wasn’t there, I don’t know for sure. Maybe they thought her 5,000 dollar watch was neat. Maybe they were smiling and happy to see oh never mind.

(Have you guessed yet? It’s Madonna! The ‘M’ stands for ‘Madonna’.)

16 photos in gallery >

Tags: madonna |

48 Comments

madonna is a mean old bitch

By brendon February 12, 2010 @ 1:19 PM

Madonna of course has adopted two kids from the African country of Malawi, her little boy Davie and her little girl Mercy, and now she’s building a 15 million dollar school for girls there. What a dynamite lady! Surely there’s no way this story could end up with Madonna looking like a self-centered bitch.

On Thursday, a government official informed 200 villagers that their land had been handed over to Madonna (so she could build her school), and asked that they move away.
Madonna paid the villagers more than $115,000 to compensate for their homes.
So far, residents have refused to move.

Tada! Madonna did it! This bitch is evil. Does anyone know if she was actually born or was there an earthquake one day and then she just rose up out of the ground. Although in this case her demands were probably unavoidable. If only Africa had some open land somewhere. But no. They don’t.

Tags: madonna |

35 Comments

this is gross

By brendon February 03, 2010 @ 1:50 PM

The Sun is reporting that Madonna and her boyfriend Jesus Luz broke up yesterday and surprisingly enough it was Jesus who initiated the split, saying the difference in their age was too much to overcome. Which is sort of the point to this. It’s weird enough that she’s 51 and he’s 23, but there’s a line between “weird” and “skin-crawlingly creepy”. And this is that line:

Madonna is 14 years older than Jesus’ mother.

I don’t mean to brag, but I only threw up once while picturing myself having sex with a woman 14 years older than my mom. I should be in some kind of tough man contest.

Tags: jesus luz, madonna |

41 Comments

the top 100 stories of 2009 (11-50)

By brendon December 31, 2009 @ 1:40 PM

50. MADONNAS ARMS - As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)

49. CALL OF DUTY 2 – made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)

48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL - If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)

47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN - Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year. But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies. This god damn list is taking forever. What a terrible idea this was. (August 6th and August 3rd)

80 photos in gallery >

morning headlines

By brendon October 20, 2009 @ 1:12 PM

The Tuesday morning headlines are brought to you by this guy. Either one really.

MADONNA – is cheap. She made 110 million dollars last year, yet only gave $459,000 to charity. This may sound thoughtless, but keep in mind: Madonna is a mean old bitch. (hollywood reporter)

ROMAN POLANSKI – has been denied bail once again. A Swiss court ruled he was a high flight risk and ordered him to remain in jail while he awaits possible extradition to the United States. Considering he’s facing extradition precisely because he fled the country while on bail last time, it takes some balls to ask for bail again. That’s the entire reason we’re here. What did he think the judge was gonna say? “I know you took off last time, but, I’ve just got a lucky feeling. I say we go for it!” (e online)

SHAKIRA – has secretly been taking “Introduction to Western Civilization: Ancient Civilizations from Prehistory to Circa A.D. 843″ at UCLA all summer. She would wear baggy clothes with a hat pulled low and keep to herself, and no one ever knew. She took the class simply because she wanted to, and did well until it wrapped up last Thursday. “I was really impressed with how intelligent she was,” said Professor Robert Cleve, as he tried to change the subject so his erection would go away. (the ap)

20 photos in gallery >

Tags: headlines, madonna, roman polanski, shakira |

29 Comments

afternoon headlines

By brendon October 19, 2009 @ 3:14 PM

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE – ruled the weekend box office by earning 32.5M. Notice I said “earned”. You could learn a thing or two about hard work and the value of a dollar from this movie, young man. (boxofficemojo)

MADONNA – was sued on Friday by her Central Park condo neighbor, because Madge “forces neighbors to endure blaring music, stomping and shaking walls … unreasonably high-decibel, amplified music as bass-y vibrations rumble through walls, ceilings and radiators.” To be fair, Madonna is an old lady. She was probably just watching Wheel of Fortune. “The Pat Sajak really tickles my goose,” she says to her cats. (enquirer)

WILMER VALDERAMA – will star in a sitcom based on “the Dog Whisperer”. Wilmer, the producer of ‘Hung’ and Fox have all come together to tell comedy lovers to go fuck themselves. (comingsoon)

RANDY QUAID – was due in court this morning in Santa Barbara to explain the fraud charges against him, but of course he didn’t show up, and now may be extradited from Texas. I’m not surprised he didn’t show up, but it was just as likely he’d show up in a gold horse drawn carriage, then stepped out wearing a tuxedo with tails, a ivory tipped cane, a top hat and spats. (e!online)

LILY ALLEN – hung out topless on her balcony of a Venice hotel this weekened. Considering how often she does stuff like this, that might the most dishonest “classified” stamp ever awarded. (hq jump here)