afternoon headlines

By brendon October 19, 2009 @ 3:14 PM

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE – ruled the weekend box office by earning 32.5M. Notice I said “earned”. You could learn a thing or two about hard work and the value of a dollar from this movie, young man. (boxofficemojo)

MADONNA – was sued on Friday by her Central Park condo neighbor, because Madge “forces neighbors to endure blaring music, stomping and shaking walls … unreasonably high-decibel, amplified music as bass-y vibrations rumble through walls, ceilings and radiators.” To be fair, Madonna is an old lady. She was probably just watching Wheel of Fortune. “The Pat Sajak really tickles my goose,” she says to her cats. (enquirer)

WILMER VALDERAMA – will star in a sitcom based on “the Dog Whisperer”. Wilmer, the producer of ‘Hung’ and Fox have all come together to tell comedy lovers to go fuck themselves. (comingsoon)

RANDY QUAID – was due in court this morning in Santa Barbara to explain the fraud charges against him, but of course he didn’t show up, and now may be extradited from Texas. I’m not surprised he didn’t show up, but it was just as likely he’d show up in a gold horse drawn carriage, then stepped out wearing a tuxedo with tails, a ivory tipped cane, a top hat and spats. (e!online)

LILY ALLEN – hung out topless on her balcony of a Venice hotel this weekened. Considering how often she does stuff like this, that might the most dishonest “classified” stamp ever awarded. (hq jump here)

Madonna is really brave, smart

By brendon August 27, 2009 @ 3:55 PM

Madonna played a show in Bucharest last night and got boo’d ~~because her music is fucking terrible~~ after lecturing the crowd about the level of discrimination in eastern Europe against gypsies. Ha. Well no wonder! What’s next, is she gonna lecture them about hunting leprechauns to steal their gold! (EDIT – Okay apparently gypsies are real.) Madonna said:

“I’ve never been to Romania before and I am happy to be here. But I found out that there is a lot of discrimination against gypsies in Eastern Europe and that makes me very very sad, because we don’t believe in discrimination against anyone. We believe in freedom and equal rights for everyone, right? Gypsies, homosexuals, people who are different; everyone is equal and should be treated with respect, OK? Let’s not forget that.”

Is there some kind of battery or rock shortage I don’t know about in Romania. That condescending bitch landed in your country for the first time ever 10 minutes ago and you’re gonna let her stand there and lecture you like a bunch of retards. Take action! I expected more from you Romania. Vlad the Impaler must be looking down from heaven, heartbroken over what fussy little women you’ve become.

On the flip side, Bono and all those other know-it-all’s have no problem coming over here and telling us what to do, so maybe this is good. Not so goddamn funny now, is it Europe?

Tags: madonna, video |

57 Comments

51-years-young

By brendon August 18, 2009 @ 12:24 PM

Madonna spent her 51st birthday in Italy this week with her 21-year-old boyfriend, whose illicit geriatric lust must have been like a fire inside as she walked around, probably shakily, with her old lady parasol. And since he has no dignity or self respect, some of his friends joined them for a swim before they slipped off together for a night of hip-breaking passion. I was totally jealous so I went and humped this and pretended it was Madonna. They’re practically twins.

6 photos in gallery >

Tags: madonna |

322 Comments

A Madonna sex tape is for sale

By brendon July 29, 2009 @ 10:48 AM

Madonna is 50 now and a pale muscly mess, but back in 1992 she was kind of hot, and her body was awesome, so if there has to be a Madonna sex tape, this one comes from the best possible circumstances. The Mirror UK says…

(Madonna is) bracing herself on hearing that some of her old X-rated video tapes, voice messages and love letters are about to be made public.
The intimate items are going up for grabs in an online auction.
The personal artifacts – including two micro cassette tapes of answering machine messages and 21 faxed letters – shine the spotlight on her romance with former minder Jim Albright. He started work as her bodyguard in 1992 and mixed business with pleasure for two years.

The good news is that 1992 is the same year Madonna released her Sex book (27 NSFW pics from that here) and back then she was a complete slut who looked terrific.

The even better news is, if you made a sex tape in 1992, you had to really want to make a sex tape. Even home movie cameras were big clunky things with full size VHS tapes inside. Go to the White House today and put one of those on your shoulder. Secret Service would think it was a missile. A red dot would appear on your forehead and they’d turn you off like a light. So if Madonna made a tape back then, it had to be some big affair, maybe even with professional lighting and multiple cameras.

But the best news of all is that Jim Albright sounds like he would be white. That may sound bad initially, but keep in mind that I’m incredibly racist.

Tags: madonna, sex tape |

79 Comments

Madonna is gettin me all hot

By brendon July 27, 2009 @ 3:24 PM

Madonna was back in London this weekend, and the Daily Mail said, “The 50-year-old pop star shocked onlookers as she stepped out last night in a short-sleeved top that revealed her arms. With not an inch of fat to act as a buffer, her protruding muscles and thick bulging veins were clearly visible through her aging and wrinkled skin.”

Whoever wrote that is crazy. It’s sexy when you can see a girls heart beat through her skin, and watch her veins pulse as blood runs through them. The person who wrote this article is probably fat. Fat people are always real jealous.

Tags: madonna |

159 Comments

friday morning headlines

By brendon June 12, 2009 @ 8:17 AM

MADONNA – A ruling by Malawi’s highest court today cleared the way for Madonna to finally adopt four-year-old “Mercy” James. When asked what turned the tide in Madonnas favor, the judge took off his big scary mask and said he saw a crow scratch a check mark in the dirt, and right after that it rained. Africa sure is awesome. (source = cnn)

THE GI JOE MOVIE – may be one of the worst things ever filmed. The director has now been fired, and there’s this: “I have heard several really bad things about the film from a few informed sources. Common word is that it is a disaster for Paramount, and that a lot of unplanned post-production work was done … just to make the thing watchable.” Wait, are they claiming the director of the Mummy and Van Helsing made a bad movie? Because that seems very hard to believe. (source = /film)

ASHLEY GREENE – looked better in a bikini last week, but she gave it a gold-medal try with her dress at last nights Rock and Republic party in LA. She should just get huge implants and then she wouldn’t need to pull her dress that tight to get cleavage. Of course big tits are my answer to everything. Especially the question, “What is something that’s terrific?” (source = wenn and splash. hq jump = here)