Nobody Fucks With The Pacquiao

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

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Former Kentucky basketball player Daniel Orton, who until recently played professionally in the Philippines, was released and fined after criticizing Manny Pacquiao’s on court performance. Pacquiao at a towering 5’6″ is a player and head coach of the Kia Carnival since he is a sober Elvis who can do whatever he wants. Paq has scored one point in four games this season against guys who are afraid to block his shot like when you play against your friend’s kids in the pool. Orton appropriately found the charade ridiculous and didn’t mince words:

“[Pacquiao playing] is a joke… Professional boxer? Yeah. Congressman? All right. But professional basketball player? Seriously? It’s a joke.”

Orton was then shit canned and escorted out of the country by black ops. Respect for Paquiao runs deep. It might be because he’s a really good boxer or that he has been on a flying machine. The president of the team explained:

“It is like he went to the United States and insulted the name of Martin Luther King.”

Slow down on your moped, guy. King is a symbol of civil protest in the face of injustice. Pacquiao punches people in the head really fast with his tiny fists. Orton was fined $5,650. or one months take home pay for the average Philippine family, if that month is January and you’re combining the last 147 years worth of Januarys . Kiss his rings next time. Blow jobs around the corner.

Photo Credit: WorldSportsReplay/Youtube 

We Can Stop Talking About This Now

By Matt February 02, 2015 @ 7:32 AM

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Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather have finally agreed to a super boring fight that Mayweather will win in a controversial decision they both end up laughing about in the money counting room. Guys don’t die in the ring anymore and rarely break a sweat. Float like a butterfly. Then sting the guy once he nears forty. Pay the fucking judges too idiot. Then have your cut guy push some needles into his effigy while you’re at it. If you think Voodoo isn’t totally legit say Candyman into the mirror five times and get outlined in chalk. The amount of press coverage this fight will generate should outweigh the four exciting seconds of it by a standing eight count. The only thing that would make this event worth your sixty bucks would be Mayweather fighting his ex fiancees in a Royal Rumble for the undercard. Sure it’s unethical but so is paying a felon millions to tap people with his little fist and count the tallies. With any luck blood clots will form spontaneously and both men will fade out, pulling the plug on the once illustrious sport of boxing.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Manny Pacquiao Appreciates Education

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

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Manny Pacquiao went off on Floyd Mayweather in a recent interview and became the latest Rhodes Scholar to attack him for his lack of education. Mayweather never graduated high school, which makes sense because punching boxers and women in the face does not require a strong grasp of civics. Manny joined in on recent digs by 50 Cent and Nelly, who both received their MFAs in criminal justice from prestigious crack dens. Pacquiao thinks Mayweather’s obnoxious behavior may be due to the fact that he never completed that 102 course where they teach you not to be a sociopath:

“I realize why he is like that. I understand sometimes when the people are not educated they just talk to talk. He sets a very bad example.”

Mayweather’s behavior is probably due less to his Lifetime movie shameful secret that he can’t read and more a magnitude of scarred prefrontal lobe tissue. If he were going to begin a regimen to enlighten himself he may want to start with a brush up on basic finance, because I’m currently scoping out how to low bid his gold toilet on Ebay once he inevitably blows through his fight money. As for Pacquiao, having a GED doesn’t qualify you to chastise other punch drunk self promoters.

Photo Credit: Getty Images