Manny Pacquiao Getting Sued

By Matt May 06, 2015 @ 8:45 AM


Manny Pacquiao is being sued in a Nevada court by a bunch of tools who spent money on his fight because he didn’t disclose his elbow injury prior to tussling with Floyd Mayweather. The Filipino fighter also seemed noticeably psyched to get his ass kicked and was happily wallowing in failure. If your job paid you before you showed up you might not have a sense of urgency when working the fryer. Especially if it paid you $100 million to work the fryer. It’s called incentive. When even your casual potty trained six year old could name the outcome of the fight a year in advance you’re not going to sweat it. Given that we all collectively knew and chose to ignore what was going to happen in the fight, the word disappointment feels inappropriate. Denial seems more apt. I’ve never seen that much money in one place but once I looted a vending machine after an earthquake. I’d assume it’s a similar feeling. I’ll gladly take the refund but I’m not holding my breath. Boxing is officially dead. Enjoy owning the Philippines, Manny. I bet it turns out to have been a better idea on paper.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Mayweather and Pacquiao Felt Like Just Enough

By Lex May 04, 2015 @ 8:46 AM


The fight of the century is over. All that’s left is to steam clean the cum and body oiled stained sheets at hotels throughout Las Vegas and pretend America didn’t collectively waste ten million weeks of supplemental food stamps money watching two guys past their prime wink the shit out of each other for their mega successful flimflam. The spectacle was unparalleled, right down to somebody firing off the Mexican National Anthem because somebody in the truck felt Pacquiao looked kind of spicky. When Jamie Foxx got up to sing to the world for no good reason, I felt confident in my plan to watch by way of the less expensive Russian digital feed. The big winner was Floyd Mayweather who pulled aside female reporters asking about his history of domestic abuse and beat them with his $100 million pre-fight downpayment check. Everybody had a stake in hyping this up as a real thing. That’s how long cons get rolling. At least there are no more fights this century.

Photo credit: GettyImages

Mexico Has Priorities

By Matt April 29, 2015 @ 6:04 AM


Mexico has not done very well as far as having potable water or sinks or faucets or a functioning government or lawful police force but they arranged for everyone in their country who has a TV to get the Mayweather Pacquiao fight for free. The fight will cost $99 or roughly half of Mexico’s GDP minus the import of minstrel style midget talk show sidekicks. The networks, Televisa and Azteca, will make their money back by breaking up the fight and throwing in tons of commercials for salt rocks and clam juice to put in your perfectly mediocre beer. This means if you check your phone you’ll know who won before the fight is over. Spoiler alert Mayweather is going to dance around and try not to get hit and win in a decision because boxing is scored on the number of punches landed. For perspective, my cat lands sometimes lands punches and it’s not debilitating. There will be two more fights after this and Pacquiao might win one if Mayweather takes it out of his contract that he hires the judges. There will be a lot of eyes on this fight. Might be the perfect time to sneak across the border.

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Nobody Fucks With The Pacquiao

By Matt February 26, 2015 @ 7:06 AM


Former Kentucky basketball player Daniel Orton, who until recently played professionally in the Philippines, was released and fined after criticizing Manny Pacquiao’s on court performance. Pacquiao at a towering 5’6″ is a player and head coach of the Kia Carnival since he is a sober Elvis who can do whatever he wants. Paq has scored one point in four games this season against guys who are afraid to block his shot like when you play against your friend’s kids in the pool. Orton appropriately found the charade ridiculous and didn’t mince words:

“[Pacquiao playing] is a joke… Professional boxer? Yeah. Congressman? All right. But professional basketball player? Seriously? It’s a joke.”

Orton was then shit canned and escorted out of the country by black ops. Respect for Paquiao runs deep. It might be because he’s a really good boxer or that he has been on a flying machine. The president of the team explained:

“It is like he went to the United States and insulted the name of Martin Luther King.”

Slow down on your moped, guy. King is a symbol of civil protest in the face of injustice. Pacquiao punches people in the head really fast with his tiny fists. Orton was fined $5,650. or one months take home pay for the average Philippine family, if that month is January and you’re combining the last 147 years worth of Januarys . Kiss his rings next time. Blow jobs around the corner.

Photo Credit: WorldSportsReplay/Youtube 

We Can Stop Talking About This Now

By Matt February 02, 2015 @ 7:32 AM


Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather have finally agreed to a super boring fight that Mayweather will win in a controversial decision they both end up laughing about in the money counting room. Guys don’t die in the ring anymore and rarely break a sweat. Float like a butterfly. Then sting the guy once he nears forty. Pay the fucking judges too idiot. Then have your cut guy push some needles into his effigy while you’re at it. If you think Voodoo isn’t totally legit say Candyman into the mirror five times and get outlined in chalk. The amount of press coverage this fight will generate should outweigh the four exciting seconds of it by a standing eight count. The only thing that would make this event worth your sixty bucks would be Mayweather fighting his ex fiancees in a Royal Rumble for the undercard. Sure it’s unethical but so is paying a felon millions to tap people with his little fist and count the tallies. With any luck blood clots will form spontaneously and both men will fade out, pulling the plug on the once illustrious sport of boxing.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Manny Pacquiao Appreciates Education

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 6:06 AM


Manny Pacquiao went off on Floyd Mayweather in a recent interview and became the latest Rhodes Scholar to attack him for his lack of education. Mayweather never graduated high school, which makes sense because punching boxers and women in the face does not require a strong grasp of civics. Manny joined in on recent digs by 50 Cent and Nelly, who both received their MFAs in criminal justice from prestigious crack dens. Pacquiao thinks Mayweather’s obnoxious behavior may be due to the fact that he never completed that 102 course where they teach you not to be a sociopath:

“I realize why he is like that. I understand sometimes when the people are not educated they just talk to talk. He sets a very bad example.”

Mayweather’s behavior is probably due less to his Lifetime movie shameful secret that he can’t read and more a magnitude of scarred prefrontal lobe tissue. If he were going to begin a regimen to enlighten himself he may want to start with a brush up on basic finance, because I’m currently scoping out how to low bid his gold toilet on Ebay once he inevitably blows through his fight money. As for Pacquiao, having a GED doesn’t qualify you to chastise other punch drunk self promoters.

Photo Credit: Getty Images