I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! (full size pic here, source = splash news)
08.25.2008 MARCIA CROSS IS A MAN
12.14.2007 MARCIA CROSS IS NAKED
In October of last year, the story broke that over 200 naked pictures of "Desperate Housewives" star Marcia Cross, taken by her husband, were for sale to the highest bidder. The story was that a company had been hired to remove trash from Marcia's home, the pictures were mistakenly put in the trash, and therefore she did not legally own them any more (more on that here). Now, over a year later, the first few pictures have been leaked. And here they are. When asked for a comment, Marica said, "I'm pale and bony, just kind of unfortunate looking all the way around, so I don't see what the big deal is." When reached in his palatial manor home, one top blogger agreed. "Yeah that bitch is a mess and her kitty is freakin me out. Is there some kind of razor shortage I don’t know about? It looks like she's giving birth to a clown."
03.16.2007 EVA LONGORIA IS A DAMN MIDGET
Please believe me when I tell you that you have 50 chicks in your office right now better looking that some of Hollywood's famous stars. Marcia Cross looks like she'd burst into flames right this second if the sun came out. She'd certainly crumble to dust if you poked her. Thanks to that smart ass judge with the God complex and the sensitivity classes that followed my "incident", I know that Eva Longoria isn't technically a gnome, but unless that car is three stories tall, I'm still pretty sure I could carry her around in my pocket. Don't get me wrong, short chicks are fuckin hot, it's just weird you see some of these chicks and there's something like a car in the picture to give perspective. Like Jessica Simpson here. Or Christina Aguilera here. Can Jessica even reach the peddles on a human sized car. Or do her adorable little feet just sexily dangle over the edge of the seat, her hard smooth legs flexing and stretching, erotically kicking for the brake and she hotly rams into a tree.
Um, okay I'm not really sure where I was going with that.
10.30.2006 MARCIA CROSS IS NAKED. UNFORTUNATELY.
Marcia Cross is "desperate" (get it, huh … get it … yeah, nice) to keep over 200 fully naked pictures of her off the market. A company that was hired to remove trash from Cross' home discovered the pictures amongst the garbage and turned them over to a broker in Phoenix named David Hans Schmidt. Cross is demanding the pictures be returned, saying they were thrown away by mistake, but Schmidt claims she no longer has any right to them. He is, however, offering her the first chance to buy them back. Schmidt says:
"The pictures were not stolen. When you throw something away, you forfeit that property. We recognize the copyright issue, but U.S. copyright law stops at the border … I'm not looking to mortify Ms. Cross, I just want the most money for my client … There are some pictures of her showering outside. She looks absolutely gorgeous. And yes, the carpet does match the curtains."
Nice. You stay classy David Hans Schmidt! And hopefully that will be some comfort to you when the offers to buy naked pictures of Marcia Cross don't come rolling in. She's barely tolerable after 40 hours of photoshop (see above) but in real life she looks like a ghost in a Chinese opera (see below). Oh, she looks like fun in real life doesn't she. Dressing like Truman Capote to go to the beach. It's amazing she's not starting to smoke. She's so damn bright she doesn't even look like a human being, it looks like some kind of religious vision, as if the Virgin Mary appeared on the beach. And then went kayaking. You just know all the maids at this place went nuts, saying "Santa Maria!" and making the sign of the cross.
(by the way, if you want to know what she looks like topless, the answer is, "exactly like this")
