Maria Bello Is Gay Now Too

By Lex December 02, 2013 @ 4:28 AM

Eventually, Hollywood will calibrate to the approximately fifty-percent gay and lesbian high school drama class demo. Which means a shit ton more coming out stories are on their way. Celebrity coming out stories obligate a series of rousing ovations like when a returning war veteran surprises his wife and kids at a sporting event. Actress Maria Bello wanted to let her twelve-year old son know that while she still cared for his dad, she was in scissor-kissing love with close family friend ‘Clare’. But how to handle this emotional land mine with sensitivity and discretion? An article in the the New York Times Fashion & Style section seemed to fit that bill.

According to Maria’s deep lesbian type thinking, this whole big gay debate is really about parsing the definition of ‘partners’.

And I have never understood the distinction of “primary” partner. Does that imply we have secondary and tertiary partners, too? Can my primary partner be my sister or child or best friend, or does it have to be someone I am having sex with? I have two friends who are sisters who have lived together for 15 years and raised a daughter. Are they not partners because they don’t have sex? And many married couples I know haven’t had sex for years. Are they any less partners?

I’ve read that a few times now and I’m pretty sure it makes no sense. That part about the sisters just seemed creepy. But coming out stories are just like going to see foreign films. You’re not supposed to understand it, you just need to applaud at the end and look moved if you want to get laid by your date. Maria, I don’t care how many times your son gets his ass kicked in school, it’s completely worth it to imagine you going down on another chick without all the secrets. We all needed this.