Maria Shriver seems like a nice enough person who lives in one wicked epoxied socialite bubble. It’s that old money thing where you care desperately for the less fortunate primarily as an intellectual process. You miss a lot of the nuance. Like how your horny HGH husband with the clown hair you no longer fuck is not going to bang a baby into the maid because he goes to church on Sundays. Or how Kris Jenner may engender ill feelings among real working moms when you tout her as a working mom with wisdom during one of your seminars for well-off women looking for shit to do on the weekends.
Shriver runs a series of talks called Architects of Change: The Conversation Series: Opening Hearts and Minds. Tons of secondary titling is a quick tipoff that something super boring is about to happen. Shriver announced a joint initiative wherein Kris Jenner will be holding workshops for struggling working women on how to use the domestic skills they already possess to improve their livelihoods. Jenner claims her own success in business came from seeing what talents she had in the home and applying them to an entrepreneurial venture. Like seeing her young daughters changing in their room with the shades up while neighbor boys masturbated outside. Bingo. We’re going to need a plastic surgeon and a money counter. Also, like a half dozen black dudes.
Shriver gushed on social media about her Kris Jenner session only to discover that most people outside her Westside bio-dome don’t believe Kris Jenner is a role model for anything but turning a dime on your daughters’ twats. She’s a master pimp, but that’s still a pimp. Tons of Shriver’s long time fans emphasized their disappointment. We expected more from an Architects of Change Conversation Series. Like never having to know it existed. You’re both worth in excess of a hundred million. Write a fucking check, you cheapskates.
Maria Shriver reportedly disapproves of her potentially legitimate child Patrick Schwarzenegger dating Miley Cyrus because she’s best known for getting wasted and having midgets spread her ass cheeks for screaming teens and naughty Hungarian men who remember strip clubs under Communist rule. Shriver reportedly cancelled her trip to Art Basel in Miami when she found out Cyrus would be there with her son smoking a joint in pasties and drinking herself into a full Cosby ready stupor. Shriver is a real stickler for character. That’s why she married a dude with a dozen credible sexual harassment suits on file who liked to fuck things that moved within in his sightline. Its unclear if Patrick gives a shit what his perma-scowl faced mother thinks, since it is unclear whether his trust fund has kicked in or not. Based on who he’s bringing to Christmas Dinner I’d say probably yes.
Maria Shriver splayed the victim when it became public her husband had banged a mini-me into the frumpy house maid, but Maria was apparently cheating on Arnold as well. Shriver has just recently begun publicly dating Matthew Dowd, Arnold’s former gubernatorial campaign manager, but according to semi-reliable sources, they’ve been hide-a-humping each other for decades. That’s a lot of back room banging. Arnold froze Dowd out of his campaign after his fingers were found stinking of Maria’s grim cooch. Its unclear why Maria’s affair did not go public, though it could be because the press loves Maria Shriver as 94% of them still masturbate to JFK, while pretty much everybody has hated Schwarzenegger at least since he got clown hair and started abusing Terminator lines on the campaign trail. I suppose Maria and Arnold were just two practical souls who realized their marriage was good for both of them, but that didn’t mean they wanted to see each other naked.
Somebody is not handling his parents messy divorce so well. Patrick Schwarzenegger is nineteen, rich, and the male model scion of a famous family. He’s the toast of teen girls discovering their sexuality by way of Tiger Beat celebrity day dreams in the bathtub. He can literally have sex with any young women on this planet. But he’s gone with Taylor Burns. A woman who looks like his mom. I bet he cries during sex mumbling shit about dad knocking up the housekeeper. Work it out, son, and go find yourself a smoking hot Victoria’s Secret model. That’ll hurt your daddy so much more.
Maria Shriver is always saying she loves kids, but then Arnold Schwarzenegger went and had one with the housekeeper and suddenly she changed her mind. Typical woman. But this weekend she was wearing a ring that is reportedly her wedding ring, just like Arnold was last week, so maybe this means she’s ready to take him back. And she should. He’s suffered more than enough. It’s not like she’s some treat.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER – had lunch with his son Patrick today, and things seem to go fine. Which sucks because wouldn’t it be badass if he went all apeshit with some kind of Oedipus complex. The Kennedys are all nuts so I figure there’s still time. (popeater)
KIM KARDASHIAN – is now engaged of course, but was the proposal filmed as footage for her reality show? Oh gosh, I wonder what the answer is. (people)
JANE LYNCH – will host the Emmys this year, a very prestigious honor only trusted to those who have proven they can read a teleprompter. (la times)
MICHELLE HUNZIKER – has been lounging around at the beach in Varigotti, Italy, for about a week now. Because she’s a model. What the hell did you think she was gonna do, go around solving crimes? (splash news)