Mark Wahlberg Was a Very Busy Teenager

By Lex January 20, 2015 @ 11:22 AM

Mark-Wahlberg-in-the-Fighter

Krisyn Atwood wants to be sure Wahlberg isn’t remembered as the movie star who just beat the shit out of Vietnamese immigrants, he’s also the guy who dropped n-bombs and threw rocks at fourth grade black girls going to the beach. Sort of like how everybody remembers him from Boogie Nights, but everybody forgets about Planet of the Apes, or tries to. That’s not fair to Wahlberg and his body of work.

Atwood doesn’t think Wahlberg deserves a pardon from the Governor because he was a violent racist thug and she still bears the scars of his attack. Also, she doesn’t think Wahlberg has changed. Which is sad. Unless she’s referring to his acting, then it’s true. I think most people would agree that Wahlberg is a different person now then he was as a teenager. For one, HGH has rendered him three times stronger and able to throw much bigger rocks. Also, he moved to an estate in Beverly Hills where he doesn’t have to deal with minorities trying to rip off America and his family. Maybe you get two free roundhouse kicks to the head of Wahlberg’s fourth grade daughter and we call it even?

Mark Wahlberg’s Wife In a Bikini

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Mark Wahlberg And His Wife Rhea Durham Spend Their Holiday In Barbados
I’d caption this photo, ‘Hey, look, gooks on our beach, let’s go skin them.’ I kid, because Mark Wahlberg once blinded a Vietnamese guy who later forgave him because he saw The Happening and felt he was mildly retarded. None of this takes away from the fact Mark’s wife still looks pretty hot after pumping out God knows how many Catholic family children. She was a working model before Mark made her his wife and assigned her CVS parking lot pamphleteering duties for his Decent People for a Chink-Free America. He’s not that racist for Dorchester. Still, I’d watch my back if you’re not predominantly white and don’t grocery shop at GNC.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Mark Wahlberg Wants To Be a Cop

By Matt December 09, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

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Mark Wahlberg wants to join the LAPD as a Reserve Officer, a program the LAPD invented so celebrities that fervently support gun control can have the right to carry personal firearms and make sure their bodyguards can do the same. Unfortunately you can’t join the LAPD Reserve Officer program when you have a rap sheet for beating the shit out of minorities. That right is reserved solely for the real police officers themselves. Wahlberg would first have to receive a formal pardon in the State of Massachusetts which is the reason he’s now citing as why he needs the pardon. To help the children.

Wahlberg apparently became fascinated with law enforcement after playing a cop in several movies, which means he thinks he will be doing a lot of dangling from helicopters and will most likely accidentally kill several people when he witnesses an illegal soda refill at the Lakers game. He’s definitely in better shape than Steven Seagal who they let beat up some handcuffed criminals on the streets of New Orleans for his reality show. On the other hand, Wahlberg did used to beat Vietnamese people with sticks. Maybe give him one of those prop guns like they gave the guy to fire at Brandon Lee on the set of The Crow.  That way no Asians gets hurt.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Mark Wahlberg Seeks Pardon For Hate Crime

By Matt December 08, 2014 @ 7:47 AM

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Mark Wahlberg is seeking a formal pardon from the State of Massachusetts for assaulting two Vietnamese guys in the 1980s when he was in his racial assaults experimental phase. Wahlberg hit one dude with a big stick while yelling “Gook” and “Vietnam Fucking Shit” and sucker punched another dude so bad he was left blind in one eye. Wahlberg claims he wants to be pardoned to set an example for today’s youth, who in no way give a shit about Mark Wahlberg:

“I want people to remember my past so that I can serve as an example of how lives can be turned around and how people can be redeemed.”

Or, not receiving a pardon might serve to remind kids how there are consequences for their actions. If you’re jailed for being a roided up teen who liked to beat on blacks and Asians who dared walk through his neighborhood, maybe you don’t get to have your record scrubbed just because you were mildly okay in three of your seventeen movies. I’d double the old sentence just for producing Entourage without any idea of what to do after the second season.

It’s believed Wahlberg wants the pardon in order to obtain a Concessionaire’s License for his Wahlburgers chain of burger joints. That might explain why he’s decided to dredge up his mightily shitty past behavior. Moolah. If this story hadn’t gained big traction online, perhaps he might’s received the pardon for a small contribution to a Massachusetts State library fund and six-dozen Pain & Gain irregular size tees for the Boys Club. Slightly less simple when a half-blind Vietnamese dude is featured in magazines asking for his eye back.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Marky Mark Is a No Show And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 01, 2014 @ 9:20 AM

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Marky Mark Wahlberg decided to not attend the wedding of his brother Donnie to screeching succubus Jenny McCarthy. Maybe he hates her because she is a batshit crazy anti-vaxxer bitchhole or maybe it’s just that he likes being the only asshole in the room and doesn’t want to share the spotlight.

Read all about Marky Mark’s feely feelings. (Dlisted)

Playmate April Summers has some big ‘ol titty balls. (COED)

“The Jersey Shore Massacre” may be the best movie ever. By best movie I mean a huge pile of shit. (Huffington Post)

Freckle-faced Nadine Leopold is hot as fuck in this spread for Urban Outfitters. (Popoholic)

Arianna Grande wears a very short skirt on the Today Show. Very short. (Drunken Stepfather)

Nina Dobrev in a bikini on a yacht. Happy fucking Labor Day! (Egotastic)

I fucking hate Rihanna but appreciate her in a bikini. (The Superficial)

Entourage Movie May Never Get Made

By Lex October 15, 2013 @ 1:47 PM

Fuck no. If there’s something that needs to get done right now, it’s a movie based off a mediocre TV show that became downright unwatchable in its final few seasons. But Marky Mark says the Entourage movies is on hold because ‘them guys are being greedy’. To which I think he’s referring to the Entourage actors who want a big payday to make a movie since it’s likely going to be their only source of income for the next forever. I’d ask for bank too. Marky Mark still gets $12 million plus backend to make his two to three crappy movies a year. You know the next and only project Kevin Connolly, Adrian Grenier, and Kevin Dillon have listed on their schedules? Yeah, Entourage the Movie.