Mark Wahlberg would have stopped 9/11

By brendon January 18, 2012 @ 12:48 PM

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Pretend movie tough-guy/real-life jackass Mark Wahlberg has an interview in the new issue of Men’s Fitness, and let’s just get right to it:

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

So, by extension, according to Mark Wahlberg, all the people who were on those planes but did not prevent them from crashing were pussies. Who didn’t love their kids as much as he does. And the people who fought back on Flight 93 over Pennsylvania were lumbering doofuses and crashed anyway.

Clearly that’s not how Mark Wahlberg, who starred in ‘the Italian Job’, would have done it. He would have defeated the terrorists with his movie punches, then landed the plane, on time, and killed the Arab-looking baggage guys just in case. That sure would have been exciting to see! If it’s not too much trouble maybe Wahlberg could dig up some of the lazy assholes who died that day and act it out for me.

Mark Wahlberg is an idiot

By brendon January 16, 2012 @ 12:39 PM








My favorite part of the Golden Globes last night was when Mark Wahlberg and Jessica Biel came out to present ‘Best Actor’, and Wahlberg was asked to read things. Which was funny because Mark Wahlberg is an idiot.

His first line, which the professional actor apparently couldn’t remember and had to read off the teleprompter, was, “And here is the impressive list of nominees.” Unfortunately, “impressed” is not an emotion in his acting arsenal. “Mumbling like a slow-witted doofus” is however, and so he did that instead.

Even better was when it was time to announce Jean Dujardin as the winner. Wahlberg opened the envelope, took a quick breath, began to speak… then saw the name, instantly gave up, and passed it off on Biel. It would have been so great to hear him say, “And the winner is Gene Duh-Jar-Din”. Especially if there were someone there actually named that. What a thrill it would have been for Gene and his family.

Mark Wahlberg says Tom Cruise fakes his stunts

By brendon October 28, 2011 @ 3:28 PM

Mark Wahlberg was on the Opie and Anthony show yesterday and when the topic of Tom Cruise doing his own stunts for ‘Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol’ came up, he essentially said he didn’t believe those stories. He also said he doesn’t bother doing his own stunts and relies on doubles to do all the work. For the record if there was any way to get his doubles to do all the acting from now on too, that would be great.

Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber are in a basketball movie

By brendon April 28, 2011 @ 6:16 PM

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Tell the black guys to stand still and set the mini trampoline under the 9-foot goal, because Mark Wahlberg (who is 5’8”) will play a mentor to Justin Bieber (who is 5’5”) in a movie about street basketball. Deadline says…

Paramount Pictures is in negotiations for what could be the dramatic screen-starring debut of Justin Bieber. He will star alongside Mark Wahlberg in an untitled drama that will revolve around street basketball and will give Bieber the chance to show off his hoops skills.
The tone of the project is described as The Color of Money meets The Karate Kid.

And the premise of the project is described as Air Bud meets Juwanna Man, since those are the only two basketball movies with equally preposterous plots.

tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon January 12, 2010 @ 7:26 PM

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MARK WAHLBERG - and his wife welcomed their fourth child last night. No one gave a shit the first three times either. (wonderwall)

CHANNING TATUM – burned his penis while filming a movie in a river in Scotland. To keep warm, a member of the crew would boil water, dilute it with river water then pour it down his wetsuit. One time they “forgot” to dilute the boiling water and it, “pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.” Later, the easily-tricked Tatum lost $100 when a crew member was able to guess where he got his shoes. (details)

CYBIL SHEPHERD – Her son was arrested for stealing things like cameras and cash from other passengers during a flight to Philadelphia. But his name is Cyrus Shepherd-Oppenheim. Of course he’s evil. It sounds like someone who would organize a plan to kill the Super Friends. His nickname is probably Professor Colossus. (source with handsome mugshot = et)

WILLIAM SHATNER – shared an awkward moment with Richard Simmons on the Today show this morning. Everything is perfectly summed up by the awesome freeze of the video. Shatner looks like someone is waving dog doo on a stick at him. (popeater)

ERIN MCNAUGHT - is yet another hot Aussie model in a bikini. In a related story, when Orbitz asks for a specific destination while planning an Australian vacation, they just mean what city. According to them, “Aussie model snatch” is not a final destination, although I would argue that it very much is. They don’t even know me, how can they say that? (pacific coast news)

Mr. and Mrs. Jackass

By brendon August 03, 2009 @ 3:23 AM

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People magazine says that “Mark Wahlberg has finally made it official”, and then they add “!”. But even if they hadn’t I would have been excited.  He’s such a cool guy.  The real Vinnie Chase.  And now he’s married to this beautiful lady.  I hope I don’t cry.

Wahlberg and his longtime girlfriend, model Rhea Durham, tied the knot on Saturday.
The couple, who have three children – Ella Rae, 5, Michael, 3, and 10-month-old Brendan Joseph – were married Saturday in an intimate and romantic ceremony attended by their children and about 12 close friends and family at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Beverly Hills.

Hm.  She had three kids and wasn’t married?  What a whore.  Although I better watch what I say.  Mark Wahlberg is a real tough guy.  He’s only 36 inches tall, but he’s all street and shit.  150 pounds of fury.  I’ve had my clock cleaned by someone his size before, and it was no picnic.  I can’t remember how old I was exactly, but I know that I had to wait for the crossing guard to go to the fight, and when it was over I went home and crawled up in a little fort I made behind the couch with pillows and a blanket.  Then my mom made popcorn balls to cheer me up.

(hq jump = here.  image source = pacific coast news)