Mark Wahlberg and Justin Bieber are in a basketball movie

By brendon April 28, 2011 @ 6:16 PM

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Tell the black guys to stand still and set the mini trampoline under the 9-foot goal, because Mark Wahlberg (who is 5’8”) will play a mentor to Justin Bieber (who is 5’5”) in a movie about street basketball. Deadline says…

Paramount Pictures is in negotiations for what could be the dramatic screen-starring debut of Justin Bieber. He will star alongside Mark Wahlberg in an untitled drama that will revolve around street basketball and will give Bieber the chance to show off his hoops skills.
The tone of the project is described as The Color of Money meets The Karate Kid.

And the premise of the project is described as Air Bud meets Juwanna Man, since those are the only two basketball movies with equally preposterous plots.

tuesday afternoon headlines

By brendon January 12, 2010 @ 7:26 PM

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MARK WAHLBERG - and his wife welcomed their fourth child last night. No one gave a shit the first three times either. (wonderwall)

CHANNING TATUM – burned his penis while filming a movie in a river in Scotland. To keep warm, a member of the crew would boil water, dilute it with river water then pour it down his wetsuit. One time they “forgot” to dilute the boiling water and it, “pretty much burned the skin off the head of my dick.” Later, the easily-tricked Tatum lost $100 when a crew member was able to guess where he got his shoes. (details)

CYBIL SHEPHERD – Her son was arrested for stealing things like cameras and cash from other passengers during a flight to Philadelphia. But his name is Cyrus Shepherd-Oppenheim. Of course he’s evil. It sounds like someone who would organize a plan to kill the Super Friends. His nickname is probably Professor Colossus. (source with handsome mugshot = et)

WILLIAM SHATNER – shared an awkward moment with Richard Simmons on the Today show this morning. Everything is perfectly summed up by the awesome freeze of the video. Shatner looks like someone is waving dog doo on a stick at him. (popeater)

ERIN MCNAUGHT - is yet another hot Aussie model in a bikini. In a related story, when Orbitz asks for a specific destination while planning an Australian vacation, they just mean what city. According to them, “Aussie model snatch” is not a final destination, although I would argue that it very much is. They don’t even know me, how can they say that? (pacific coast news)

Mr. and Mrs. Jackass

By brendon August 03, 2009 @ 3:23 AM

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People magazine says that “Mark Wahlberg has finally made it official”, and then they add “!”. But even if they hadn’t I would have been excited.  He’s such a cool guy.  The real Vinnie Chase.  And now he’s married to this beautiful lady.  I hope I don’t cry.

Wahlberg and his longtime girlfriend, model Rhea Durham, tied the knot on Saturday.
The couple, who have three children – Ella Rae, 5, Michael, 3, and 10-month-old Brendan Joseph – were married Saturday in an intimate and romantic ceremony attended by their children and about 12 close friends and family at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Beverly Hills.

Hm.  She had three kids and wasn’t married?  What a whore.  Although I better watch what I say.  Mark Wahlberg is a real tough guy.  He’s only 36 inches tall, but he’s all street and shit.  150 pounds of fury.  I’ve had my clock cleaned by someone his size before, and it was no picnic.  I can’t remember how old I was exactly, but I know that I had to wait for the crossing guard to go to the fight, and when it was over I went home and crawled up in a little fort I made behind the couch with pillows and a blanket.  Then my mom made popcorn balls to cheer me up.

(hq jump = here.  image source = pacific coast news)

MARK WAHLBERG STILL SUCKS

By brendon October 21, 2008 @ 10:09 AM

People are giving Mark Wahlberg lots of credit for going on Saturday Night Live this week and being cool about the impression Andy Samberg did of him the week before. I give him credit for the ability to stare directly at his cue cards and step on other peoples lines. What a gifted actor! What range, what emotion! He’s like a young Brando, this one is. All this really proves is that Samberg is a more convincing Mark Wahlberg than the real life Mark Wahlberg. 

MARK WAHLBERG IS A LITTLE BITCH

By brendon October 17, 2008 @ 7:41 AM

Mark Wahlberg was on the great Jimmy Kimmel show (I heart Jimmy Kimmel) last night, and Jimmy asked him about the impression Andy Samberg did of him on SNL last week.  Suffice to say, Mark was the joyless little bitch he always is.  The pretend tough guy said he was gonna, "crack that big fuckin nose of his (Sambergs) … I don’t play that shit … I’m gonna fly to New York tomorrow and slap him in that big nose."

Whatever.  He's not gonna do shit.  This is what happens when people kiss your ass all day.  I’m sure Mark is the toughest guy getting a laser peel after his Pilates class, but in the real world he’s 35 inches tall and hasn’t been in a fight since 1987.  My dick is bigger than Mark Wahlberg.  Even if he somehow doubled in size overnight, he could still walk through my dog door.  Ooooohhh, scary.



MARK WAHLBERG SUCKS

By brendon October 13, 2008 @ 5:50 AM

Saturday Night Live is awful, I don’t think anyone is here to argue that, but Holy Shit Andy Samberg does a pretty damn awesome Mark Wahlberg impression. It’s not SNL’s fault that Wahlberg is a shitty, one-note actor who does the same thing in every single role, but yesterday Wahlberg made it clear to the NY Post that he doesn't like when people point that out.

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now.

Actually a Mark Wahlberg impression seems pretty easy.  All you have to do is make your voice go up and down and up and down all the way through the sentence.  It also helps if you’re 18 inches tall and produce a horrible TV show that is little more than a tribute to how wonderful you are.  Tomorrow I'll give you tips for a good Crocodile Hunter impression (basically you just lie perfectly still).