Mr. and Mrs. Jackass

By brendon August 03, 2009 @ 3:23 AM

32972PCN_Wahlberg

People magazine says that “Mark Wahlberg has finally made it official”, and then they add “!”. But even if they hadn’t I would have been excited.  He’s such a cool guy.  The real Vinnie Chase.  And now he’s married to this beautiful lady.  I hope I don’t cry.

Wahlberg and his longtime girlfriend, model Rhea Durham, tied the knot on Saturday.
The couple, who have three children – Ella Rae, 5, Michael, 3, and 10-month-old Brendan Joseph – were married Saturday in an intimate and romantic ceremony attended by their children and about 12 close friends and family at Good Shepherd Catholic Church in Beverly Hills.

Hm.  She had three kids and wasn’t married?  What a whore.  Although I better watch what I say.  Mark Wahlberg is a real tough guy.  He’s only 36 inches tall, but he’s all street and shit.  150 pounds of fury.  I’ve had my clock cleaned by someone his size before, and it was no picnic.  I can’t remember how old I was exactly, but I know that I had to wait for the crossing guard to go to the fight, and when it was over I went home and crawled up in a little fort I made behind the couch with pillows and a blanket.  Then my mom made popcorn balls to cheer me up.

(hq jump = here.  image source = pacific coast news)

MARK WAHLBERG STILL SUCKS

By brendon October 21, 2008 @ 10:09 AM

People are giving Mark Wahlberg lots of credit for going on Saturday Night Live this week and being cool about the impression Andy Samberg did of him the week before. I give him credit for the ability to stare directly at his cue cards and step on other peoples lines. What a gifted actor! What range, what emotion! He’s like a young Brando, this one is. All this really proves is that Samberg is a more convincing Mark Wahlberg than the real life Mark Wahlberg. 

MARK WAHLBERG IS A LITTLE BITCH

By brendon October 17, 2008 @ 7:41 AM

Mark Wahlberg was on the great Jimmy Kimmel show (I heart Jimmy Kimmel) last night, and Jimmy asked him about the impression Andy Samberg did of him on SNL last week.  Suffice to say, Mark was the joyless little bitch he always is.  The pretend tough guy said he was gonna, "crack that big fuckin nose of his (Sambergs) … I don’t play that shit … I’m gonna fly to New York tomorrow and slap him in that big nose."

Whatever.  He's not gonna do shit.  This is what happens when people kiss your ass all day.  I’m sure Mark is the toughest guy getting a laser peel after his Pilates class, but in the real world he’s 35 inches tall and hasn’t been in a fight since 1987.  My dick is bigger than Mark Wahlberg.  Even if he somehow doubled in size overnight, he could still walk through my dog door.  Ooooohhh, scary.



MARK WAHLBERG SUCKS

By brendon October 13, 2008 @ 5:50 AM

Saturday Night Live is awful, I don’t think anyone is here to argue that, but Holy Shit Andy Samberg does a pretty damn awesome Mark Wahlberg impression. It’s not SNL’s fault that Wahlberg is a shitty, one-note actor who does the same thing in every single role, but yesterday Wahlberg made it clear to the NY Post that he doesn't like when people point that out.

Someone showed it to me on YouTube. It wasn't like Tina Fey doing Sarah Palin, that's for sure. And "Saturday Night Live" hasn't been funny for a long time. They've asked me to do the show a ton of times. I used to watch it when Eddie Murphy was there and Joe Piscopo and Bill Murray. I don't even know who's on the show now.

Actually a Mark Wahlberg impression seems pretty easy.  All you have to do is make your voice go up and down and up and down all the way through the sentence.  It also helps if you’re 18 inches tall and produce a horrible TV show that is little more than a tribute to how wonderful you are.  Tomorrow I'll give you tips for a good Crocodile Hunter impression (basically you just lie perfectly still).

MARK WAHLBERG SUCKS

By brendon June 17, 2008 @ 8:55 AM

I hate Mark Wahlberg and his wooden line reads and the way he furrows his stupid brow and tries to look intense but just looks confused, like a caveman poking a turtle with a stick, so obviously it's reason to celebrate as "the Happening" marks its place in history as one of the worst things ever filmed.  M Night Shyamalan gets more pretentious every single movie, this time even making commercials with him just sitting there talking.  At this point he could make a movie about the Civil War and he would cast himself as Abraham Lincoln.  Despite all this Mark Wahlberg still had the nerve to talk shit about the Oceans 11 movies:

Is it true you turned down the chance to be in the Ocean's films?
Yeah – and it was well worth it! The second one sucked! People tell George Clooney it's great, but we all know it sucked. I made two bad movies instead – Planet Of The Apes and The Truth About Charlie – but doing that was better than sitting with Brad and George, telling the press how great everybody is! "We were in Europe, George was funny, then we had some wine…" – that's not for me. I do love those guys, but I had to step out on my own.

Did you know that M. Nights real name is Manoj Nelliyattu Shyamalan.  When you say it out loud it doesn’t even sound like an actual name.  It sounds like a spell.  I heard that if you say it out loud three times you can turn someone into a bunny.