The hipster band duo Ex Cops are pissed at McDonald’s because the company asked them to play a show without pay at South By Southwest in exchange for free exposure and at 20-piece chicken nuggets. The band said they couldn’t go for that. McDonald’s responded by stating they are the arbiters of the music industry and were simply following protocol by soliciting bands to promote their Mad Cow ridden products without pay:
“We follow the same standard protocol as other brands and sponsors by inviting talented and emerging musicians to join us at the SXSW Festival. We look forward to serving McDonald’s food, drinks and fun in Austin. #slownewsday.”
Singer of the band and staunch purist for the right price Amalie Bruum shot back:
“They’re not following any guidelines because everyone else is offering money… Other, much smaller corporations are offering us money. It’s a perfect example of an archaic company trying to be hip by putting a hashtag at the end of an e-mail.”
Yes, that old cliche. Working for free exposure is one of the dumbest tricks predatory businesses have thought up. Here, pave my driveway and I’ll tell my neighbor you did a great job. You can even take a photo for your Twitter page. Why am I in this headlock? Maybe you shouldn’t be taking money from corporations in the first place. When they suggest you not piss on the crowd your art will suffer. You can’t be cool and indie and butt hurt that McDonald’s isn’t paying you at the same time. Try selling some tickets. I asked for no pickles.
The new m.o. for Super Bowl commercials is to release them days ahead of the game online. Some free bang for whatever millions you’re paying to run the thing on TV on Sunday. If you make the Buzzfeed third grade listicle for best commercials post game, all the better. McDonald’s Super Bowl ad will announce a new campaign where you can get your order for free if you follow the strict instructions from your McDonald’s cashier to show an act of love. Like, call your mom and tell her she’s the best mom ever. Or hug your son and tell him why he’s special. If you’re alone, you can ask the homeless guy with pancreatic cancer outside to dance with you. If you’re willing to follow these orders, on camera, you might just save yourself the three dollars on your Mickey D’s tab.
In the commercial, the McDonald’s counter people are attractive twenty-somethings with perfect English. Anticipate your McDonalds might be a more recent arrival to America who has to repeat herself five times and eventually spits measles in your Shamrock shake. Also, those attractive but safe looking fast food patrons clapping for you might be a schizophrenic woman with a fork in her eye and a guy who just landed in the wheel well of an airplane gestating Ebola. Don’t let them start clapping. It just spreads the infection
I hate when people protest McDonald’s as if Indiana Jones just emerged from its bowels with secret findings about how disgusting the food is or how everybody who works there is making minimum wage plus two cents an hour for greasy complexion compensation. Yeah, you got them, Indy. Or protesting bitches at their headquarters in Illinois demanding Mickey D’s pay their workers more, as if those who work at McDonald’s are somehow born into indentured servitude like the pyramid builders. McDonald’s hasn’t changed in fifty years. They’ve still got unskilled burger flippers and fry cooks doling out meals at inexplicably low prices to pre-diabetics passing through their high speed turnstiles. What’s changed is everything else around them. Like heads of households thinking they can provide for a family with a job meant for high school kids with too much acne to work as grocery store baggers. I’m sorry you have a brood to feed and the six-figure french fryer jobs at the McDonald’s competitors were all taken. You’re supposed to be broke-ass when you’re a teen or make lots of babies or drop out of high school or predominantly speak one of those weird languages that always sounds like you’re fighting. That way you get to learn for yourself that being broke sucks and you ought to do something about that. Like, learn a trade skill, or I guess make signs and yell really loudly until somebody pays you to go away. The last time people protested McDonald’s, we ended up with cryo chamber apple slices and a talking big-toothed Minions character ripoff pushing milk to go with your quarter-pounder. We don’t need that shit. Leave McDonald’s alone. It’s absolutely perfect at being what it is. It’s you who needs to change.