10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC - this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (May 20th)
9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL – because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)
50. MADONNAS ARMS - As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)
49. CALL OF DUTY 2 – made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)
48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL - If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)
47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN - Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year. But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies. This god damn list is taking forever. What a terrible idea this was. (August 6th and August 3rd)
All the dumb websites and magazines and TV shows do lists at the end of the year, counting down and ranking everything you can imagine, and they’re all subjective and poorly thought out and painful to read. But nothing else is going on this time of year, and so here we go.
100. JASMINE FIORE WAS MURDERED – by her husband, who was a contestant on the VH1 show ‘Megan Wants a Millionaire’. He pulled out her teeth, cut off her fingers and threw her body in a dumpster. So at least he wasn’t a litterbug. (August 15th)
99. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED – This one should probably be higher on the list but fuck that dude. He was a pedophile and his music sucked. Good riddance weirdo. (June 25th)
98. SUSAN BOYLE IS AN OVERNIGHT STAR – Does it bother anyone that she can’t really sing? After the first 5 lines on her famous ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ appearance her voice completely went to hell. What do you, got asthma or somethin? (April 11th)
97. LINDSAY LOHAN SUCKS – The reviews for the debut of her fashion line could have been worse, but only if they included a bunch of racist name calling for some reason. (October 4th)
96. BRITNEY SPEARS IS STACKED – Britney wore a see-thru t-shirt while in Australia for her ‘Circus’ tour. It maybe wasn’t as newsworthy as Michael Jackson dying, but what can I say, I just really love looking at girls’ tits. (November 5th)
When Playmate Kimberly Phillips (facebook) wore nothing but her glasses as part of her pictorial last month (NSFW here), it made glasses sexy again, and some people are saying Megan Fox was getting in front of the hot look sweeping Hollywood when she wore a pair yesterday to get coffee. And by “some people” I mean, “me. Just now. In that previous sentence”.
But if you need any more proof that this is falls sexiest trend, I have dozens of drawings of Kimberly, and she has her glasses on in every one. On horseback in a bikini, riding a dolphin in a bikini or even riding a dolphin after taking off her bikini, this sexy style is everywhere you look. Especially if you look in the wish book under my pillow.
Megan Fox has broken up with Brian Austin Green a dozen times, but they keep getting back together. She clearly wants out, probably to date me, but look at him. Look at him as they walk around Silver Lake yesterday, with Megan in a slightly see-thru shirt. He’s oblivious. He has no idea he’s on borrowed time. He has no idea what’s about to hit him. It’s this rock I found. GET AWAY FROM HER YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Fox has a list today of famous Hollywood people who have gone on record to say how awesome weed is. They don’t say it like that, they fancy it all up, but that’s what they mean. Among others on the list:
Megan Fox: “I’ve done drugs. I didn’t enjoy anything other than marijuana. I don’t even think of it as a drug – it should be legalized.” She’s called on the government to legalize weed on many occasions, saying she would be the “first person in line to buy a pack of joints.”
Brad Pitt: During an appearance on ‘Real Time with Bill Maher,’ Maher recalled being at a New Year’s Eve party with Pitt: “You just, all night rolled these perfect joints…the most perfect joints I have ever seen…” Brad shook his head and replied, “I’m an artist.”
Johnny Depp: “Look, I have nothing to hide. I’m not a great pothead or anything like that… but weed is much, much less dangerous than alcohol.”
I’ve never done any drugs and I don’t drink or smoke because I’m such a sweet boy, but weed should still be legal because I hate the government and fuck you why can’t you just leave people alone. Unfortunately no one listens to me. I’m pretty much just eye candy around here.