By brendon July 27, 2010 @ 11:44 AM
MEL GIBSON – has reportedly been sober for years, which means he was sober during the now famous phone calls that his ex recorded. Which is weird because he sounded drunk as hell. Also he’s Irish (*). Those people love getting drunk, yelling racist names and starting fist fights. That’s why I don’t spend Christmas with my family. (tmz)
OKSANA GRIGORIEVA – has a new evidence picture to use against Mel Gibson, this time showing “deep bruises around her left eye”. She told police he punched her once in the mouth and once in the temple. But not the eye. It’s all part of her plan to make people like me think she’s lying. (radar)
MARISA MILLER – is in the new issue of the FHM, the British magazine that failed here in America despite being way bigger and better funded than it’s rivals. If you used Playboy to represent the Continental Army, this would be a good way to teach history to boys in junior high. (fhm)
(*) a bunch of people emailed about this, because Mel was born in New York and raised in Australia, but his mom was Irish, and he has dual citizenship in America and Ireland.
Every new day brings more stories about Mel Gibson, though lately they’re starting to sound more and more made up. Like Radar reporting that he wanted “Jew blood” on his hands, for example. Specifically the Jew Harvey Levin, founder of TMZ.
The anti-Semitic slur was allegedly made (because Levin) had “publicly humiliated” him.
Gibson hired individuals to place (Levin) under surveillance, Oksana told authorities.
“Oksana says Mel told her, ‘I want Jew blood on my hands,’ and said he wanted (Levin) taken to the desert, stripped naked, knee capped and left in the heat.”
This would seemingly give TMZ an unmatched opportunity to place themselves in the spotlight, yet they say the story is completely false.
Oksana never mentioned a word of this to any of her lawyers while she tried negotiating a $15 million package in May during the mediation, using the tapes as her secret weapon. One person involved in the mediation laughed, saying Oksana brought out every piece of ammunition imaginable to score a financial package, so why was this story mysteriously absent?
So far the only real evidence that Mel did anything was the audio tapes, and he sounded drunk as hell during those. That wouldn’t make what he said okay, but getting drunk also makes girls more likely to say things like, “I want it in my mouth”, so let’s not be to hard on the concept of getting drunk.
Look, if I could make Megan Fox and Jessica Alba blow me while I took pictures of it for the website, I assure you I would. Until then here’s three Mel Gibson stories, because that’s the only thing in the news.
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MEL GIBSON – claims his girlfriend tried to extort money from him in return for the tapes she made, and now she’s being investigated. The tapes likely won’t be admissible in any legal action against Mel, but the press he’s received has already ruined him professionally. “Well what did you expect from the Jew run media,” Gibson probably said. (la times)
LINDSAY LOHAN – cried a little when her lawyer came to visit yesterday. “She’s trying to make the necessary adjustments to an extremely stressful and difficult situation. There were some tears.” Girls often describe sex with me that same way. Because my dong is so huge, you see. (people)
OKSANA GRIGORIEVA – can prove that Mel Gibson hit their daughter because she has a picture showing the baby looking perfectly normal, except for an “abrasion” on her chin that you can only see because the camera is practically mushed against the babies face. Oksana says, “Mel punched her and hit their child.” With, I don’t even know, a straw, I guess. (radar)
JUDE LAW AND SIENNA MILLER – are still on vacation with three of Jude’s kids in Otranto, Apulia, Italy, and at least this time he has a beer in his hands. Last time he looked so girly he might as well have been kissing his Justin Bieber poster. (inf daily)
Both the Daily Mail and PopEater are saying today that Mel Gibson wants to reunite with his ex-wife and move back to Australia, where the two first met back in the late 1970′s. They got married in 1980 and raised 7 kids, all while Mel became one of the most popular and successful actors ever.
Okay now try and guess when his downward spiral began.
“Meeting Oksana Grigorieva and leaving his wife was the biggest mistake of Mel’s life. Robyn and (the kids) are heartbroken to see what has happened to him. Seeing the man they know as a husband and father being portrayed as a monster is very painful and not the man they thought they knew. However, neither is the man who would walk about from them for a younger Russian gold digger.”
“Mel didn’t ask Robyn for the affidavit and wept when he found out what she had done for him. He just wants his life to return to normal. Before he ever met that woman. He knows his Hollywood career is over. Now he just wants to return to Australia with his ex wife and children. Buy a ranch in the outback and live the rest of his life out of the spotlight.”
I actually totally believe this. After 7 kids Robyns vagina probably felt like Mel was humping the drapes, then he meets this evil Gypsy woman with her spooky accent and she put some curse on Mel. Now that she’s been exposed she’ll turn into a bat and fly away, but at least the word is out.
Mel Gibsons ex girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva has been saying that her dentist can attest to the fact that she had broken teeth and bruises on her face, the result of a violent fight with Mel. This is apparently news to the dentist. TMZ says…
Dr. Shelden saw no evidence Oksana was struck in the mouth.
Oksana told Sheriff’s deputies Mel Gibson struck her in the mouth twice, knocking one tooth out and chipping another.
Although Dr. Shelden sees no evidence of a strike to the mouth … (he) believes Oksana was struck in the left temple, which caused her to bite down so hard, one veneer was completely knocked out and another was damaged.
Oksana’s teeth were fully intact … (her) charts reflect two bite marks on the inside of the lower lip. The doctor says there was no swelling or bruising consistent with a punch to the mouth but believes instead the bite marks are consistent with “a chain reaction” after allegedly being hit in the temple.
Now this is just confusing because two days ago TMZ said this very same dentist, “wrote a sworn declaration in which he says Oksana not only told him Mel had hit her … but he was so concerned for her safety he offered to let her stay at his home.”
I guess maybe Oksana just said he wrote that, and was lying, because, short of adding a car chase and a wish granting donkey, these two stories could not be more in direct conflict with one another.