All of the animated film magic and CGI special effects in the world couldn’t save former Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Melissa Joan Hart from this shockingly bad makeup malfunction at the premiere of Disney’s Frozen at the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles last night. Melissa entered the place looking pretty good for a married mother of three (that was never really as hot as people like to remember) but as soon as she stepped out, it was like someone flour bombed her or her bag of cocaine exploded. I’m not trying to say that Melissa is a drug user, mind you, but if she wanted an awesome excuse for this otherwise humiliating moment, she should totally say that she got out of control with a Ziploc bag full of the good Columbian shit in the theatre’s bathroom.
It’s a crowded market for celebrity tell-all books. Most shit has already been told by TMZ. Boring house plants like Melissa Joan Hart who absolutely nobody believes has anything interesting to say have to come up with some nuggets to get traction in the press. So Melissa pulled dropping ecstasy at a Playboy mansion party out of her hat. That’d make Melissa one of only tens of millions of people to have ever tried ecstasy and a select group of a few thousand who have ever done so at a Playboy party.
I experimented with weed, Ecstasy, mushrooms and mescaline for about a year and a half. — Melissa Joan Hart to Life and Style magazine.
Yes, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, so did the rest of us. We called it high school. Melissa tried to double down on her shocking drug past by claiming that she once turned down cocaine from Paris Hilton, but Paris’ reps immediately denied this accusation so you know it can’t possibly be true. Run, don’t walk, to snatch up Melissa Explains It All, before all the great stories run out. Too late.
Darci Baker is a thirty-something schoolteacher who’s really looking forward to traveling with her boyfriend to attend her sister’s wedding in Thailand. Except for the fact that she’s just been informed that budget cuts are likely to make her an ex-schoolteacher. And on her way to the airport, she happens to catch her boyfriend in bed with their travel agent, which instantly makes him her ex-boyfriend.
Wow, budgets cuts to her school and a cheating boyfriend. In case you were wondering what Millennial women who watch cable TV worry about at night, that’s it right there. The entire plot sounds like a female, less funny version of Hangover II, and that’s saying something. Add to that no titties or swearing and you have a Melissa Joan Hart movie just perfect for ABC Family. And ABC Family isn’t interested.
Things like this clip from last night are proof that most people in the world are essentially stupid. Kimmel is better than Letterman. Opie and Anthony are better than Stern. ‘Always Sunny…’ is the best show on TV. All these people should be number 1 and they’re not and if I knew who was responsible for this outrage I would go to that place, throw a smoke grenade inside their window and then punch everyone as they ran out the door.
Melissa Joan Hart should have known better than to get sassy with Jimmy Kimmel. The only way he could have owned her any more is if the stage she was standing on had a trap door and he dropped her into a pool of sharks.
Melissa Joan Hart was a celebrity according to wikipedia, and this weeks People magazine confirms it. She’s on the cover, and my sources tell me it’s because a horrifying photo (above) led the Sabrina star, 33, to take control. So she lost 42 LBS! This comeback is very important to Melissa, and no punkass cancer patient better get in her way.
(Melissa) was overheard off-camera at KTLA in Los Angeles on Friday saying how she’d been hoping last week that cancer-stricken Farrah Fawcett wouldn’t die — and thus bump Hart off the cover of People magazine.
It’s too bad that Farrah had to go and selfishly live, because if she died Melissa might be desperate enough to have done a “Weekend at Bernies” thing and stole her corpse and put some sunglasses on her and then driven around town in a convertible. She could force a broom through the bottom of her passenger seat and then push Farrah down on that to keep her upright like when you roast a turkey, then hook a stick to Farrahs hand so she could make her wave. Another good idea would be to have a tape that says, “Hi, good to see you too. Yes I feel great thank you for asking.” Then Melissa would need to drive away very fast because that may or may not be what the person asked.