Michael Douglas Monster Dong And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Old raw dog Michael Douglas claims that he’s packing some heavy meat in his pants. This is also the guy who said he got throat cancer from eating out Catherine Zeta-Jones. Either way, great stories.

Me think the lady doth protest too much. (The Superficial)

Madison Banes gets naked to report on the death of Nintendo president. (Egotastic All-Stars)

The Hulk and the Terminator are old as fuck. (TMZ)

Elle France is brought to you by Raica Oliveira’s nips. (Drunken Stepfather)

Hey, look. Fergie hasn’t died from herpes. (Popoholic)

Over the shoulder ass shots. (The Chive)

TLC canceling 19 Kids and Counting because, you know, kiddy fiddling. (Dlisted)

Michael Douglas Thinks American Actors Are Effeminate

By Lex July 10, 2015 @ 8:36 AM

Michael-Douglas-Wall-Street
Michael Douglas has come to the conclusion that British and Aussie male leading actors are snaking all the major studio film roles because American actors have become super pussified. Douglas later hedged and explained that the social media culture in the U.S. encourages male actors to spend time grooming their public images rather than honing their craft. Which I think means banging women with your eyes open so you can at least pull off a decent Bond or Indiana Jones. Even gay British actors are pulling off masculine stronger than the American men who book films by looking flawless and retweeting Ghandi on Caitlin Jenner’s rights.

In the U.S., we have this relatively asexual or unisex area with sensitive young men and we don’t have many Channing Tatums or Chris Pratts, while the Aussies do.

When Chris Pratt and Channing Tatum are your last bastion of American masculinity, we’ve reached the end of our sad tale. The desiccated corpse of John Wayne has more bad-ass left in it’s pelvic bone then Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Zac Efron, Chris Pine, James Franco, Jake Gyllenhaal, Justin Timberlake, and Ashton Kutcher. Bingo. I just named the Bruce Vilanch steam room dream team. We can’t beat China at math but we used to dominate pasty white Anglicans at being manly. No more. Finish painting your boat. We set sail at dawn for a rugged foreign port. The age of man is over around these parts.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Catherine Zeta-Jones And Michael Douglas Don’t Look Very Separated

By Travis April 16, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Steven Soderbergh’s new play The Library opened in New York City last night, and it was such an important and magical evening that it even managed to bring Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones back together. This miracle of modern love reminded us that the couple had announced its separation almost eight months ago, and it helped show us all that nothing is ever bad enough to make two married actors, 25-years apart in age, simply call it quits after all this time. When it comes to why they decided to give it another shot, I have two theories. First, they realized the impact that a divorce could have on their young children, and no difference is big enough to get in the way of providing a happy and healthy family. Second, they realized nobody gave much of a shit that they split up in the first place, so just like the general apathy surrounding their first announcement, here they are trying to get a little attention again. I really can’t put my finger on which one it is, though.

Photo Credits: Getty

Michael Douglas Captains the Good Ship Cunnilingus After Separation Announcement

By Lex August 29, 2013 @ 12:18 PM

Michael Douglas Relaxes Amid Separation With Catherine Zeta-Jones In Sardinia
She’s bipolar and likes to throw shit. He’s got cancer from munching too much dirty box. If these two crazy lovebirds can’t cut it in this world, what chance do the rest of us have finding true and lasting love? The good thing about being rich and famous is that even when you’re old and getting divorced for the tenth time, you can still go hit the yacht and grab some binoculars to scope out the next younger hot woman you’re going to ruin. I guess that’s a good thing.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Michael Douglas And Catherine Zeta-Jones Are Done

By Travis August 28, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

It has been a little more than four months since Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were photographed together at the 40th anniversary of the Chaplin Award Gala and they’d been going on separate vacations during that time, so I thought everyone already basically assumed that they had divorced. But they were still faking along, pretending to be happy, until People revealed that they’re “taking a break” this week, which is fancy Hollywood slang for “the wife who is 25 years younger than the husband would like to start riding some young beef while her lady parts still work.”

To their credit, Michael and Catherine had been through a ton of personal and health shit during their 13-year marriage that would have killed most of us normal people, but they’ve persevered for the sake of their two young children. And also because they have a shitload of money.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Did Tainted Box Give Michael Douglas Cancer?

By Lex June 03, 2013 @ 9:20 AM

Yep. Looks like it, according to Michael Douglas. And science.

Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
The U.K. Guardian

Everybody thought Michael Douglas was crazy. For about ten minutes until doctors started saying, yeah, actually, slathering your partner’s warts infected cooch with your tongue can give you throat cancer. I sat through sixth grade twice and I can tell you that little gem was never covered in Sex Ed. Not saying anybody should panic from this news, but I do think we ought to reconsider this whole feminist ‘good for the goose is good for the gander’ reciprocation nonsense. The next time your girl asks you if it’d kill you to go down on her every once in a while. You know the answer.