She’s bipolar and likes to throw shit. He’s got cancer from munching too much dirty box. If these two crazy lovebirds can’t cut it in this world, what chance do the rest of us have finding true and lasting love? The good thing about being rich and famous is that even when you’re old and getting divorced for the tenth time, you can still go hit the yacht and grab some binoculars to scope out the next younger hot woman you’re going to ruin. I guess that’s a good thing.
It has been a little more than four months since Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones were photographed together at the 40th anniversary of the Chaplin Award Gala and they’d been going on separate vacations during that time, so I thought everyone already basically assumed that they had divorced. But they were still faking along, pretending to be happy, until People revealed that they’re “taking a break” this week, which is fancy Hollywood slang for “the wife who is 25 years younger than the husband would like to start riding some young beef while her lady parts still work.”
To their credit, Michael and Catherine had been through a ton of personal and health shit during their 13-year marriage that would have killed most of us normal people, but they’ve persevered for the sake of their two young children. And also because they have a shitload of money.
Yep. Looks like it, according to Michael Douglas. And science.
Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, usually thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
– The U.K. Guardian
Everybody thought Michael Douglas was crazy. For about ten minutes until doctors started saying, yeah, actually, slathering your partner’s warts infected cooch with your tongue can give you throat cancer. I sat through sixth grade twice and I can tell you that little gem was never covered in Sex Ed. Not saying anybody should panic from this news, but I do think we ought to reconsider this whole feminist ‘good for the goose is good for the gander’ reciprocation nonsense. The next time your girl asks you if it’d kill you to go down on her every once in a while. You know the answer.
Just 7 days ago, Catherine Zeta Jones was so depressed and overwhelmed that she checked into a mental health facility to be treated for a bipolar disorder. It was so bad she even turned down a People magazine cover story when they asked to interview her about it. Oh wait never mind.
(Jones) realized she needed help in the face of mounting depression.
“The simple things would just seem overwhelming, like going out to dinner,” says the close friend. “There was just a little piece of her chipped away. It was hard to watch because I knew how hard she was trying.”
Now, just one week later, not only is she back at work in Louisiana filming a movie called Playing the Field, but she’s agreed to join Tom Crusie, Alec Baldwin, and Russell Brand in Rock of Ages.
To recap, she was depressed but now she has an almost manic energy and focus. In other words she wasn’t really paying attention when they explained what bipolar means.
The last time we saw Catherine Zeta Jones, she was in London to receive a medal from Prince Charles (wait, what?). She was with her husband Michael Douglas, going through a crowd of paparazzi and then screaming, “How dare you punch me” like a crazy woman (video here).
Now it turns out she is crazy. Crazy about hats? Yes! But also regular crazy too.
Catherine Zeta-Jones has checked into a hospital for Bipolar II Disorder.
Her rep tells ET, “After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her Bipolar II Disorder. She’s feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films.”
It’s possible, I guess, that this and Michaels stage 4 cancer are just bad luck, but it’s probably because their son is the devil. Like in the Omen. That kid is terrifying. He couldn’t look any more evil unless he was inside a pentagram drawn in blood.
Entertainment Tonight has video of Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas in London last night, and as they went from their car to their hotel, Jones started screaming hysterically that one of the paparazzi punched her. Then Douglas called the guy an asshole, pushed him, and told him to “get the fuck out of here with that.”
After that he strutted away triumphantly, still undefeated in fights against people who just stand there. Toddlers on swings get pushed harder than that paparazzi was, and it’s not like he was going to punch a 66-year-old who died 4 months ago. I’ve had tougher fights while trying to fold a fitted sheet.