Michael Jackson is just like us. Except fucking insane.
[Jackson] may attempt to erect a 50-foot, robotic likeness of himself in the Las Vegas desert in full view of incoming planes. According to entertainment company consultant Mike Luckman, his business partner Andre Van Pier has already designed what we'll refer to as the massive Jackobot, complete with… laser beams shooting up into the sky. The plan will only go into motion if Jackson decides to launch a show in Sin City, for which Van Pier has also contributed sketches of a "stage set of a giant audience-interactive video game with human cyborgs controlled by the audience."
Jackson also drew up detailed plans for his show, in which he teleports onto the stage then uses his jetpack to fly over the crowd with his dancing team of pegasuses, except the pegasuses have unicorn horns because regular pegasuses don't really do it for him, you know? Like, why have two different kinds of magic horses when you can have one SUPER magic horse? At least I think that's what his plans depicted. It's hard to tell because he only had the 8-pack of Crayola to work with. And if I learned anything in the four years I spent studying art and experimenting sexually with nude models in Paris, it's that you can't convey the true meaning of an idiotic retard's futuristic space show without periwinkle and burnt sienna.
(The picture's of Scarlett Johansson because Michael Jackson is a creepy alien and Scarlett — wait, why am I even justifying myself?) -MU
I tried to soften the blow by headlining with a picture of Jessica Simpson and her kick ass rack, but I'm pessimistic even that will be enough. And Jessica Simpson is short with blond hair and big boobs, which in my world, makes her so perfect I have a fiberglass version of her on my lawn at Christmas. But, okay, here we go - Michael Jackson. Yikes. I'm almost positive you could legally kill him as long as you stake him in the heart. And I know I've said before that such-and-such was the most horrifying things I'd ever seen, but please understand that that was before I saw his hands. As if a hand stirring a roofie into applesauce wasn't creepy enough, now picture it being this hand. I'd rather have a beehive around my penis than that thing.
Michael Jackson, who hasn't lived in the United States since his acquittal on sexual molestation charges, has been staying in Ireland lately and is reportedly planning to open an amusement park with a leprechaun-inspired theme. The Daily Mirror says:
"Michael is deadly serious about this idea. He loves the whole idea of leprechauns and the magic and myths of Ireland. It would cost around 500 million Euros [about $635 million] to do. He’s always wanted to open his own theme park and he thinks Ireland is the perfect place and it will all be built around the leprechaun theme."
Man, this is gonna make like a billion dollars! Where can I invest some of my money? Because people trust Michael Jackson to show their kids a good time and Irish people love it when Americans show up and associate them with leprechauns. What could go wrong? Maybe after this he could open a park in Italy where all the dudes play accordions with monkeys on their shoulder and all the women carry roller pins and say "why you breaka you mamas heart!" Or one in Thailand staffed by white people who pull their eyes back and say "me sucky-sucky, 5 dolla!" Man, Michaels gonna be rich!
(the Jessica picture is pointless. There was a Michael one but it creeped out the whole page.)
