Lindsay Lohan Got A New Mommy

By Lex November 25, 2014 @ 9:33 AM

Lindsay Lohan Has A New Mommy
Michael Lohan decided not to tell his kids that he was making an honest woman out of Kate Major the second she got out of jail gestating his second bastard child. It’s kind of romantic in an abandoned building shooting gallery love affair kind of way. Having his celebrity kids attend the wedding would’ve turned the entire event into a media circus rather than the quiet Satanic letting of the blood in the name of the Dark Master Michael and Kate were hoping for. After a quick service, the couple fed each other pieces of cake Michael had laced with human growth hormones and Rohypnol as he turned on a taped message for their toddler son to put a pillow over mommy’s face as she slept because it’s so funny.

Photo Credit: Twitter

Michael Lohan Hires Casey Anthony’s Attorney to Thwart Vaginal Bleeding

By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 2:46 PM

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I thought we had come together as a society and decided eugenics were okey-dokey for crack whores and the Lohans. So, crack whores. But, no, Michael Lohan got his drug and alcohol addicted latest wife pregnant again. Now she’s in a Palm Beach jail for violating probation and her fecund lady parts are bleeding and nobody seems to care. Except Casey Anthony’s attorney who Lohan hired to make somebody care about the future child he intends to future fuck up like the last ones.

“She hasn’t showered in four days. The vent in her cell has mold, and every time the air turns on the mold pieces fall into her cell. She has bruises on her back because she is sleeping on a plastic bed with a thin mattress.”

I guess Michael Lohan hasn’t been watching Taylor Schilling’s tits in Orange is the New Black like the rest of us. It’s prison. Actually, you were the one who called the cops and had her arrested for violating her probation. Fucktard. Nobody deserves to be bleeding out their privates. Or not to be showering for four days when shoulder to shoulder with female check kiters and trailer park child endangerment moms. Your Florida women’s detention center staples. If Casey Anthony’s attorney could get Casey acquitted after squeezing the life out of her daughter so she could go to Red Lobster without having to ask for a booster seat, he can probably get an OB/GYN to patch up his baby mama in the pokey. Which means sixteen years from now Lohan can be selling this kid’s drug stories to TMZ at $5k a pop . At least somebody’s planning for their retirement.

Michael Lohan Nobly Blames Himself for Lindsay’s Drug Problems

By Lex August 28, 2013 @ 11:27 AM

Lindsay Lohan Smokes A Cigarette As She Walks Around SoHo
Just when you thought Michael Lohan couldn’t be more of a Sir Walter Raleigh figure, he goes and takes the blame for Lindsay turning from a teen party girl into a 20-something fall down drunk and drug addict.

“It was not her fault. I love her for saying that, but there was no need to say it.”

Specifically, Michael blames his divorce from Dina as the trigger for Lindsay’s substance abuse. Which is a nice way of not blaming the alleged beatings he gave his wife, pushing his young daughter into show business to pay the family bills, his multiple stints in jail and prison, his own drug addictions, his betrayals of her confidence to turn a buck for himself, his cheesy public affairs and siring of more children, and just having some really unfortunate looking hair plugs. To name a few. So, just like Sir Walter Raleigh, if Raleigh had been a total shitbag. Way to fall on the sword, Mikey.

Here’s Lindsay in SoHo yesterday. Everybody’s saying she’s never looked better, which roughly translates to, ‘I can’t believe she’s still alive.’

Photo Credit: PCN, Splash

Lindsay Lohan Is Supposedly Sober Again

By Travis May 29, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

If Lindsay Lohan is smart – big if – she’s using her time at the Betty Ford Clinic to plan something really insane for when she tries to make her next comeback and needs to take back her crown as Queen Meltdown from Amanda Bynes. Because, let’s face it, nobody is going to hire Lindsay to work on another movie or TV show, when her last two co-stars – porn star James Deen and Charlie Sheen – complained about how unprofessional she is.

So while Father of the Year hall-of-famer Michael Lohan stopped by the Betty Ford Clinic to have lunch with his daughter, only to come out singing praises that Lindsey is clean, sober and “phenomenal” to TMZ, he should be helping her storyboard a scenario in which someone “leaks” a sex tape of her that involves the Sacramento Kings at a Tijuana donkey show, filmed entirely in a swimming pool filled with heroin. That should buy her at least three more months in the spotlight.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

here are the black eye picturers Dina Lohan talked about

By brendon January 08, 2013 @ 1:56 PM

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Yesterday, the Daily News had an interview with Dina Lohan where she mentioned some pictures of her with a black eye that she (allegedly) got after Michael Lohan gave her a few Irish kisses when Lindsay was a baby. Well now Entertainment Tonight has those pictures, because apparently they pay more than the Daily News.

Dina revealed details about the alleged abuse, saying, “I will tell my story … about abuse and how I’ve survived it and how my children have survived it. It shed some light on my children’s behavior, having to witness it.”
Michael vehemently denies abusing Dina, telling ET, “[Dina] hit me with an ice tray, and I turned around and swung … I didn’t punch her. I didn’t do anything deliberately to attack her. I swung out of reflex … she’s twisting everything.”

Everything but her torso to duck when he threw a punch. When you’re white trash like the Lohans are, the number one rule should be to keep your head on a swivel, because someone could attack you with an ice tray or throw a looping roundhouse at any moment.

Lindsay Lohans dad was arrested again

By brendon October 25, 2011 @ 4:32 PM

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Much like Mel Gibson before him, Michael Lohan was arrested last night in Florida for attacking his girlfriend after she refused to give him a blow job. Women really don’t seem to understand how awesome blowjobs are.

According to the police report, Lohan “grabbed and squeezed” (Kate) Major’s arms and repeatedly pushed her to the ground in Tuesday’s incident, leaving her bruised.
Police said they arrived to a tense scene between Lohan and Major.
“As we approached the door, we could hear a female yelling ‘Stop’ and ‘Leave me alone,’” police said, adding Lohan was “wearing only shorts, and was out of breath/sweating” when he answered the door.
“He immediately got defensive, saying, ‘Everything is OK and nothing happened here,’” police said. “The victim started yelling in the background for us to help her because he was lying. We separated the two at this time.”
Police reported that Major “was crying … afraid … shaking and having a hard time catching her breath” when they initially interviewed her.
“She had some redness on her arms with minor bruising on her arm and knee,” police said, adding her cell phone was destroyed.
Police said “the bathroom door [at their home appeared] to have a dent consistent with the height of the [Major's] head.”

“This is why I replaced all my doors with ones made of solid oak,” said Mel Gibson when he read this. “You can take a sledgehammer to those things before they dent.”