Michael Phelps Still a Hero

By Lex March 20, 2015 @ 8:29 AM

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It’s hard to know if all the Michael Phelps embarrassing sex stories are true, partially true, or there’s a vast conspiracy of fetish hookers and tranny girls who picked his name out of a hat and decided to make his life miserable. Last November a newly fashioned woman claimed she had an intense love affair with Michael Phelps prior to his DUI rehab. She said he made her feel like a woman for the first time in her life. You’re going to want to hang that accomplishment on the resume right next to the eighteen gold medals. Now an obese dominatrix with a Brooklyn accent says Phelps paid her $900 to take a leak on him while he tugged one out in his girl panties. I don’t even care if this is true. I don’t want it to be true. Phelps is a real American hero. We don’t have many left. If he had eighteen gold medals in the Soviet Union, this circus beast would already be silenced under fifty feet of Ural mountain rock. This nation doesn’t need another Foxcatcher. Let Michael Phelps be Michael Phelps. This is between him and the Miss California chick who has agreed to be his wife.  Probably wouldn’t hurt to add a few new stipulations to the pre-nup. You’re going to want watersports and fat whores in the index.

Photo credit: Myspace profile

Michael Phelps Is Hilarious

By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 7:41 AM

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Michael Phelps uploaded this holiday photo to his Instagram after scrolling through several images to see which one made his abs look best. Who cares if your friends are out of focus, get the right light on my package and open the shutter. Phelps just got out of booze rehab for his DUI and has probably been psychotically running stairs at 5 am like most addicts to make the voices stop. Or he’s just a guy who likes to get fucked up and drive every now and then. I’m not judging. Either way he’s pulling a bait and switch by being svelte at a time of year most people wake up and chug whole buttermilk. Being sober for the holidays must be tough when there are giant punchbowls of delicious creamy booze at even the most boring of obligatory party stops. And those are the ones where you just need to taste it. Go ahead Mike, nobody’s looking. At least Phelps can bang his second Miss California girlfriend in as many years under the tree which in my mind counts as a moment of clarity. You’re doing something right.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Michael Phelps Girlfriend Has a Secret

By Lex November 21, 2014 @ 9:13 AM

 

Taylor-Lynn-Chandler

Taylor Lianne Chandler decided Facebook was the best place to reveal to her boyfriend Michael Phelps that she was born David with a tiny wee wee. Not a boy, but Intersex, forcing journalists this morning to look up the word and figure out how to use it in the politically correct manner. Taylor had hormones and surgery as a teen to become the girl he was born to be. She was born to be. And then dated and married a few guys she kind of forgot to tell about her new vagina, which shouldn’t really be anybody’s business, unless maybe you happen to be inside of it trying to extend your family lineage and she keeps telling you to imagine babies and it will happen.

Michael Phelps has spent the better part of last month in rehab for his last DUI, which makes Taylor’s ‘I’m dating Michael Phelps’ revelation rather convenient since nobody else seems to be aware of their mad love affair. Taylor insists they met on Tinder, have met for dates in person, and are madly in love. Just in case nobody believed her, she saved a few personal items:

“[M]my phone with the messages between Michael and I is locked up in a safety deposit box in Florida. I also have a 17,000-page forensic report showing everything — all the geo scans, the cellphone tower signals, the pings. And they’re coming from his phone.”

Compared to being born with confused genitalia, a 17,000 page forensic report on a guy who you met on Tinder and drunk banged you after a Ravens game seems normal. I hope we can step back for a minute and realize the wonderful contributions of Intersexed inventors, doctors, and female tennis players and not hold the group accountable for the actions of one over-zealous member.

Michael Phelps Arrested For DUI And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 30, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Swimmer and professional Olympics attender Michael Phelps was arrested for a DUI. He says he’s sorry because, you know, he got caught. Unfortunately, he did not get hurt.

Read about Michael Phelps’ night in jail. (TMZ)

Jessica Biel is either preggers or fat. Whatever, she’s still in a bikini. (Drunken Stepfather)

The aptly named Luna Castilho is sexy as fuck. (Hollywood Tuna)

Michelle Vawers in lingerie makes my wiener do a happy dance. (Popoholic)

Lumpy troll Lena Dunham gets called out for her hypocrisy on Twitter. (The Superficial)

Jessica Chastain has some big ‘ol titties in UK Harpers Bazaar. (COED)

Playmate Iryna Ivanova is hot even if she’s in a Cardinals’ jersey. (Busted Coverage)

Win McMurry Is Michael Phelps New Girlfriend

By Lex July 19, 2013 @ 3:50 PM

Win McMurry And Michael Phelps At The ESPY Awards
She’s a golf channel TV host, a model, and an author. Though I’m guessing there’s less active energy spent on the latter. She was Michael Phelps date to the ESPYs so naturally everybody is asking about the new hot chick he’s banging. Err, about the new hot author he’s banging.

Here’s a bunch of hot photos of Win authoring stuff.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN, WinMcMurry.com

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher went to Israel

By brendon October 11, 2010 @ 1:57 PM

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On Friday I mentioned that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher had sort of a sex party thing with Michael Phelps (not the first time Moore and Phelps have been seen together according to the NY Post and the Enquirer), which is just one of many rumors about their alleged open marriage. But they’re putting on a united front, and this weekend they went to Israel, where Ashton will speak at a conference for Bezeq.

I have no idea what Bezeq is, btw. This Israeli telecommunications company presumably, but Ashton is an idiot. Who would hire that dummy to talk? A better guess is that Demi wanted some unclipped cock and it’s some kind of swingers retreat. This bitch knows how to party!