Michael Sam Pats Himself On The Ass

By Matt December 25, 2014 @ 6:56 AM

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Michael Sam bragged about himself while promoting his 90 minute documentary which will air in place of his NFL career. It will be seen by several ladies destined to be consumed by their own cats on OWN instead of watched by millions on Sundays. Sam is like that obnoxious history professor who sings the praises of Henry IV in grandiose border line flamboyant tones, although he is doing it in regards to himself:

“Very few reached out to me and pretty much just told me their gratitude and how thankful they were that I had the courage. They wished that they had the courage to come out. (They) just showed their respect and admired my courage… It was very good.”

Sam says there are “a lot” of gay NFL players. He also says “very few” contacted him following his coming out. I feel there’s a discrepancy. Are these guy’s beaming a rainbow signal to him from the tops of buildings? Maybe he’s being presumptuous. Like when you start playing World of Warcraft  and tell your parents everyone is doing it. Turns out it might just be you and a few of your friends who will never produce children. There are definitely some gay guys in the NFL. Their closet status might have less to do with fear of coming out, but more they are busy working their asses off to remain in the NFL instead of sucking their boyfriend’s tonsils in front of the flash bulbs. Once you retire it’s Palm Springs and Speedos and suck my gay Super Bowl winning dick. Until then, unlike Sam, they have a job to do.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Michael Sam Seems to Be Stewing (VIDEO)

By Matt December 04, 2014 @ 6:33 AM

In a stunningly boring and dismissive interview, Michael Sam implied he is not on an NFL team because he is gay. When asked by an interviewer from TMZ Sports who doesn’t seem to know anything about sports if coming out had anything to do with his not making it on an NFL team this year, Sam responded:

“I think I was the SEC Defensive Player of the Year last year … so I don’t think it had to do with talent.”

It is true that just about every other SEC Defensive Player of the Year is having a pretty solid NFL career, most of them All-Pro. There is a chance Sam has been excluded because he’s openly gay. I hope for the sake of social progress that teams just hated him on an Equal Opportunity Basis because he’s pretty irritating.

Sam seemed to care more about making a statement off the field than playing football, where he got his ass handed to him by the Rams and then the Cowboys second string. Perhaps it was those long nights giving phone interviews to Kathy Griffin or taping for Oprah instead of studying the playbook and drinking GNC cocktails. I’d like to believe that only talent matters and things like being gay or maybe beating your wife or killing dogs or covering up murders should be considered completely extraneous to your job on the field. Maybe I’m a dreamer.

Michael Sam Is On His Ass And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Michael Sam was benched from the Cowboys practice squad and people are already saying that it’s because he went after hairy man dong in the locker room. Which is silly because he has a full time boyfriend, so he’s just thinking about hairy man dong.

Read all about Michael Sam’s sob story. (TMZ)

Maitland Ward might as well be naked in this dress. (Huffington Post)

Unpronounceable hottie Bregje Heinen is highly fappable. (Drunken Stepfather)

Shana McLaughlin has the biggest tits I’ve seen in a long while. (Hollywood Tuna)

Cora Skinner dons lingerie and I don a chub. (Popoholic)

Douchenozzle Matthew McConaughey gives his much needed opinion on the Redskins’ name. (The Superficial)

Oscar De La Renta is Oscar De La Muerto. (Dlisted)

Gay Michael Sam Released

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:05 AM

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Gay Michael Sam did not make the final cut for the St. Louis Rams start of the season roster. This could mean an abrupt end to the ESPN investigation into how Sam’s teammates were handling his alluring gay penis in the locker room. I don’t mean literally handling. Or do I? ESPN 360 that shit. Michael Sam made history on draft day when he kissed his boyfriend with a mouth full of cake on national television to signify that men who open mouth kiss other men with mouths full of cake would now be accepted into the manly male club of the NFL. To the Rams, it signified that it was time to figure out a way to cut Sam all fairly and squarely and then cover their tracks:

Well, it was a football decision and it was no different than any other decision that we make. It was a football decision. It was a football decision back in May to draft Mike. And once again, it’s been all about football. — Jeff Fisher, Rams Head Coach

I’m sensing from Jeff Fisher that this was entirely a football decision. Fisher went on to document just how many snaps Sam took during preseason practices, how he had told Sam landing a roster spot would be tough from the beginning, and then holding hands with his fellow Rams staffers at the press conference and singing the LGBT Theme Song, which sounds remotely like Elton John’s Daniel. Somebody had to be first. Just like that black baseball player who was in the minors before Jackie Robinson but didn’t make the cut so nobody remembers his name or gives a shit. That’s probably Michael Sam’s fate after the next openly gay player becomes an MVP quarterback and gets an inspirational book series for young boys that parents refuse to allow in their house. History remembers the generals, not the soldiers.

ESPN Digs Deep on Michael Sam’s Shower Routine (VIDEO)

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

ESPN reporter Josina Anderson did a lengthy report on Michael Sam’s showering situation from the St Louis Rams training camp. Anderson was discussing how Sam was ‘fitting in’ and then launched into a Watergate style recap of whether or not Sam had been showering with other players, presumably in order to stare cravenly at their man meat. She provided a few team sources who basically could neither confirm nor deny that Sam was using the showers. This was unfortunate because everyone watching and voicing how inappropriate we found this really wanted to know. Even the ardent homophobes were hoping to get a blow by blow of who was sudsing who beneath the spigots. ESPN offered an apology making it seem like this dick sighting quest will be stopped in its tracks:

“ESPN regrets the manner in which we presented our report. Clearly yesterday we collectively failed to meet the standards we have set in reporting on LGBT-related topics in sports.”

Obviously, changes had to be made after their hour long piece back in the day on how Greg Louganis is able to hide his boners seeing so many ripped Chinese dudes in Speedos during diving meets. Being the first gay NFL player is probably not easy, so lets assume Michael Sam isn’t a total moron. Even though he made his big visual cake kissing statement on draft day, he will likely refrain from overtly staring at his teammates naked bodies in the shower, and instead take mental images to masturbate to later. Like a professional.