Michael Sam Is On His Ass And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Michael Sam was benched from the Cowboys practice squad and people are already saying that it’s because he went after hairy man dong in the locker room. Which is silly because he has a full time boyfriend, so he’s just thinking about hairy man dong.

Read all about Michael Sam’s sob story. (TMZ)

Maitland Ward might as well be naked in this dress. (Huffington Post)

Unpronounceable hottie Bregje Heinen is highly fappable. (Drunken Stepfather)

Shana McLaughlin has the biggest tits I’ve seen in a long while. (Hollywood Tuna)

Cora Skinner dons lingerie and I don a chub. (Popoholic)

Douchenozzle Matthew McConaughey gives his much needed opinion on the Redskins’ name. (The Superficial)

Oscar De La Renta is Oscar De La Muerto. (Dlisted)

Gay Michael Sam Released

By Lex September 01, 2014 @ 9:05 AM

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Gay Michael Sam did not make the final cut for the St. Louis Rams start of the season roster. This could mean an abrupt end to the ESPN investigation into how Sam’s teammates were handling his alluring gay penis in the locker room. I don’t mean literally handling. Or do I? ESPN 360 that shit. Michael Sam made history on draft day when he kissed his boyfriend with a mouth full of cake on national television to signify that men who open mouth kiss other men with mouths full of cake would now be accepted into the manly male club of the NFL. To the Rams, it signified that it was time to figure out a way to cut Sam all fairly and squarely and then cover their tracks:

Well, it was a football decision and it was no different than any other decision that we make. It was a football decision. It was a football decision back in May to draft Mike. And once again, it’s been all about football. — Jeff Fisher, Rams Head Coach

I’m sensing from Jeff Fisher that this was entirely a football decision. Fisher went on to document just how many snaps Sam took during preseason practices, how he had told Sam landing a roster spot would be tough from the beginning, and then holding hands with his fellow Rams staffers at the press conference and singing the LGBT Theme Song, which sounds remotely like Elton John’s Daniel. Somebody had to be first. Just like that black baseball player who was in the minors before Jackie Robinson but didn’t make the cut so nobody remembers his name or gives a shit. That’s probably Michael Sam’s fate after the next openly gay player becomes an MVP quarterback and gets an inspirational book series for young boys that parents refuse to allow in their house. History remembers the generals, not the soldiers.

ESPN Digs Deep on Michael Sam’s Shower Routine (VIDEO)

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 12:52 PM

ESPN reporter Josina Anderson did a lengthy report on Michael Sam’s showering situation from the St Louis Rams training camp. Anderson was discussing how Sam was ‘fitting in’ and then launched into a Watergate style recap of whether or not Sam had been showering with other players, presumably in order to stare cravenly at their man meat. She provided a few team sources who basically could neither confirm nor deny that Sam was using the showers. This was unfortunate because everyone watching and voicing how inappropriate we found this really wanted to know. Even the ardent homophobes were hoping to get a blow by blow of who was sudsing who beneath the spigots. ESPN offered an apology making it seem like this dick sighting quest will be stopped in its tracks:

“ESPN regrets the manner in which we presented our report. Clearly yesterday we collectively failed to meet the standards we have set in reporting on LGBT-related topics in sports.”

Obviously, changes had to be made after their hour long piece back in the day on how Greg Louganis is able to hide his boners seeing so many ripped Chinese dudes in Speedos during diving meets. Being the first gay NFL player is probably not easy, so lets assume Michael Sam isn’t a total moron. Even though he made his big visual cake kissing statement on draft day, he will likely refrain from overtly staring at his teammates naked bodies in the shower, and instead take mental images to masturbate to later. Like a professional.