Michelle Obama Can’t Wait For This Shit to Be Over

By Lex November 23, 2015 @ 9:32 AM

While Barack is off testing the phrase ‘ragamuffins’ as an endearing euphemism for Islamic terrorists, Michelle Obama is left carrying the water for the administration on making kids cry out for more healthy food choices. With zero evidence her multi-year agenda is working she’s doubled down with her FNV campaign. That’s Fruits and Vegetables if you’re not street. Obama snatched up Jessica Alba and seven or so quarterfinalists from previous American Idols to push the concept that produce is cool.

“If big brands can have the celebrity endorsements, the cool commercials, the logos and the social media reach, then so can fruits and veggies!” — Jessica Alba

Fuck yeah, Jessica Alba. I swear to God I’ll eat an entire celeriac to the nub right now if you lift your top. Or is your heart not really in this?

Obama is encouraging millennials to produce advertisements for fruits and vegetables and post them to social media where super famous chicks you were certain were dead like Jordin Sparks will retweet your work. You could also win a sticker for that thermos full of vegetable soup you bring to school each day for the bullies to beat you over your head.

Michelle Obama’s plan seems destined for failure. Potato chip makers don’t need to convince people their food taste awesome. It just tastes awesome. They advertise so you buy their processed chemical crap instead of their competitors. People thirst for fresh produce about as much as men look forward to being married. It’s something said as a matter of polite cultural routine to get laid. The belief that something unpopular would actually be incredibly popular if only people saw it in the right light is the source of so much pointless waste and suffering. Just ask unattractive people or Bobby Jindal or women’s sports.

Photo credit: Michelle Obama/Instagram

Obamas Open Up About Being Treated Crappy

By Lex December 18, 2014 @ 11:41 AM


With all the Ferguson and Eric Garner protests going on, The Obamas turned to the hard-hitting People magazine to remind less educated Americans that they have racism stories too. Michelle Obama shared the time somebody mistook her for an employee at Target when she was shopping there on some publicity stunt and asked her to help them find something on the shelf. Pretty harrowing stuff.

The only person who came up to me in the store was a woman who asked me to help her take something off a shelf. Because she didn’t see me as the first lady, she saw me as someone who could help her.

Because the first lady wouldn’t help you, naturally. Sorry, I meant, no!!!!!!. This is like watching the scenes from Roots that had to be cut out because they were too chilling for network television.

Barack took his pre-designated term with the chowder whores at People by mentioning how he was mistaken for a waiter while in a tuxedo at a black tie event and also mistaken for a valet outside a restaurant:

There’s no black male my age, who’s a professional, who hasn’t come out of a restaurant and is waiting for their car and somebody didn’t hand them their car keys.

Fuck, why was this not in the CIA torture report? Though you have to consider that parking valet is a more legitimate job than your wholly contrived gig at the time as a community organizer. I know what I’d do if some asswipe slipped me a twenty and the keys to his Porsche and told me to park his baby somewhere safe, but being white I would so without the shame of  enslaved generations on my shoulders. Just some chick I called to impress with what I tell her is my new ride only to discover it’s pretty impossible to have sex in a Porsche.

It’s probably a good thing that the Obamas are talking about ignorant racial shit even if their own stories are super sucky. These teachable moments are one of the reasons so many voted for him. To scold and to remind. We really don’t elect Presidents because we think they’re strong executive material any more. Not since they started allowing those ‘other people’ to vote. No, not the blacks. The women. They ruined everything.

Photo credit: Splash News

Starving Kids Enjoying Healthy Michelle Obama Lunches More and More

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

All that hubbub about how school kids across the country were spitting out Michelle Obama’s soy milk curried couscous into the trash can and skipping the new cheap healthy cafeteria meals altogether can be put to rest. Quite coincidentally, a public university in Obama’s hometown of Chicago did a vaguely scientific study where some small number of cafeteria ladies voluntarily responded to a survey declaring that kids were 70-percent more accepting of the nasty wilted sprout lunches than last year. Naturally, they only surveyed the poor and malnourished free lunch kids who surprisingly discovered they liked the healthy food options more and more with every passing meal skipped. In a related study, kids with Kwashiorkor bellies in Somalian refugee camps love of raw corn meal and maggots is up 100%!. It’s amazing how missing a few meals will shake a kid back to the right path. Success, Michelle.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Kids All Hate Michelle Obama

By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 12:31 PM


The teens always have to be bitching and moaning about something. Currently, it’s Michelle Obama sneaking into school cafeterias late night and replacing all the good tasting crappy food with crappy tasting good food. Except it’s not really good food, it’s just less unhealthy. And the kids are fucking outraged. I could show you a few Twitter rants and pretend it stands for all of America, but mostly just imagine your tater tots and chicken nuggets got replaced with peas and soy milk gluten-free wheat noodle salads and you’ll subsume the rage. Even the smarmy kids whose parents felt obliged to raise them to appreciate good nutrition are bitching because the new healthy menu takes like shit.

Starving kids at school isn’t exactly a way to get kids’ obesity down.  – Caitlin Tagner, a high school sophomore from North Carolina speaking for a generation of kids named Caitlin and Braden.

Anyone who’s ever been cash-raped at Whole Foods market or the organic produce section of their grocery store can tell you that healthy food costs a butt-ton more than junk food. You can’t serve up decent tasting healthy meals for a couple bucks. Surprisingly, the kids just aren’t lining up for the mealy brown crudités plates where their pizza slices used to sit. As a result, much of the new healthy food is ending up in the trash, while the kids are going hungry and figuring out how to rhyme ‘Michelle Obama’ with you’re not my mom so leave my fucking food alone you annoying intrusive nanny state she-devil. For Michelle’s part, she’s just smiling and continuing to teach fat kids how to dance for ten minutes a day.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kanye Believes He and Kim Are More Important Than the Obamas

By Michael October 30, 2013 @ 2:28 PM

Kanye West is having another bout of saying shit that makes sense in his world. This time he’s claiming that the Blessed He and Kim are more influential than President Obama and his wife Michelle. It all went down when the megalomaniacal semi-decent rapper sat down with fancy lad Ryan Seacrest for an interview. According to Kanye, he and Kim are pushing down the barriers of racism and classicism through fashion. That doesn’t even make any sense, but I assume he’ll think he’s being persecuted for saying it.. More importantly Kanye believes Kim is more of a trailblazer than Michelle Obama because,

“Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”

He must mean the slutty swimsuit pic Kim took to show off her post-pregnancy tits and ass. He might be right. Michelle’s got a half-decent booty, but it’s not necessarily primed to make her a multimillionaire by letting dudes futz with it. On the other hand, Michelle does have those Ivy League degrees and can count to twenty-two without having to be naked. It’s not a dick full of Ray J on camera, but it’s got to count for something.