Starving Kids Enjoying Healthy Michelle Obama Lunches More and More

By Lex July 31, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

All that hubbub about how school kids across the country were spitting out Michelle Obama’s soy milk curried couscous into the trash can and skipping the new cheap healthy cafeteria meals altogether can be put to rest. Quite coincidentally, a public university in Obama’s hometown of Chicago did a vaguely scientific study where some small number of cafeteria ladies voluntarily responded to a survey declaring that kids were 70-percent more accepting of the nasty wilted sprout lunches than last year. Naturally, they only surveyed the poor and malnourished free lunch kids who surprisingly discovered they liked the healthy food options more and more with every passing meal skipped. In a related study, kids with Kwashiorkor bellies in Somalian refugee camps love of raw corn meal and maggots is up 100%!. It’s amazing how missing a few meals will shake a kid back to the right path. Success, Michelle.

Photo credit: Getty Images

The Kids All Hate Michelle Obama

By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 12:31 PM


The teens always have to be bitching and moaning about something. Currently, it’s Michelle Obama sneaking into school cafeterias late night and replacing all the good tasting crappy food with crappy tasting good food. Except it’s not really good food, it’s just less unhealthy. And the kids are fucking outraged. I could show you a few Twitter rants and pretend it stands for all of America, but mostly just imagine your tater tots and chicken nuggets got replaced with peas and soy milk gluten-free wheat noodle salads and you’ll subsume the rage. Even the smarmy kids whose parents felt obliged to raise them to appreciate good nutrition are bitching because the new healthy menu takes like shit.

Starving kids at school isn’t exactly a way to get kids’ obesity down.  – Caitlin Tagner, a high school sophomore from North Carolina speaking for a generation of kids named Caitlin and Braden.

Anyone who’s ever been cash-raped at Whole Foods market or the organic produce section of their grocery store can tell you that healthy food costs a butt-ton more than junk food. You can’t serve up decent tasting healthy meals for a couple bucks. Surprisingly, the kids just aren’t lining up for the mealy brown crudités plates where their pizza slices used to sit. As a result, much of the new healthy food is ending up in the trash, while the kids are going hungry and figuring out how to rhyme ‘Michelle Obama’ with you’re not my mom so leave my fucking food alone you annoying intrusive nanny state she-devil. For Michelle’s part, she’s just smiling and continuing to teach fat kids how to dance for ten minutes a day.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Kanye Believes He and Kim Are More Important Than the Obamas

By Jack October 30, 2013 @ 2:28 PM

Kanye West is having another bout of saying shit that makes sense in his world. This time he’s claiming that the Blessed He and Kim are more influential than President Obama and his wife Michelle. It all went down when the megalomaniacal semi-decent rapper sat down with fancy lad Ryan Seacrest for an interview. According to Kanye, he and Kim are pushing down the barriers of racism and classicism through fashion. That doesn’t even make any sense, but I assume he’ll think he’s being persecuted for saying it.. More importantly Kanye believes Kim is more of a trailblazer than Michelle Obama because,

“Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.”

He must mean the slutty swimsuit pic Kim took to show off her post-pregnancy tits and ass. He might be right. Michelle’s got a half-decent booty, but it’s not necessarily primed to make her a multimillionaire by letting dudes futz with it. On the other hand, Michelle does have those Ivy League degrees and can count to twenty-two without having to be naked. It’s not a dick full of Ray J on camera, but it’s got to count for something.