Mike Tyson reportedly halted traffic on a blood and tears slicked freeway from L.A. to Vegas to assist a crashed motorcyclist. Tyson was able to stop speeding eager gamblers simply by craning his neck to reveal the obnoxious Ed Hardy billboard on his face. Tyson calmly recited One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish by heart to the injured biker until paramedics arrived. Passing motorists nervously flooded Tyson with support group encouragement lest he beat them just senseless and rape their women and children and family pets. Just kidding, nobody takes their woman to Vegas. Mike’s publicist/therapist confirmed he is making great strides, and although he is either the greatest dude in the world or a psychotic maniac known to bloody the frightened weak on any given commute, go ahead and concentrate on the good parts and don’t make eye contact.
Mike Tyson admitted to still being a drunk and a drug addict at a press conference on Friday. He was promoting his first fight ticket under his Iron Mike Productions organization when it all of a sudden turned into an AA meeting. Tyson has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. Who can forget him getting high on crack and raping that girl in the 90′s? But he’s been telling people that he’s clean and sober. This made sense as he’s had a comeback working in The Hangover, a one-man show, and a reality series. I guess not. Mike said:
“I haven’t drank or took drugs in six days, and for me that’s a miracle. I’ve been lying to everybody else that think I was sober, but I’m not. I’m a motherfucker. I’m a bad guy sometimes. I did a lot of bad things, and I want to be forgiven…I’m on the verge of dying, because I’m a vicious alcoholic. Wow. God, this is some interesting stuff.”
Maybe it’s unfair, but I just assume that anyone with a face or neck tattoo is a massive junkie. Still, I hope Iron Mike can get his shit together. The world is a more interesting place with him in it. Now if he’ll only stop making Hangover sequels. That shit made me want to drink and get high and forget what I saw.
We’ve all dated some crazy bitches, but have you ever had one eat one of your pets? That’s what Mike Tyson said happened to him and one of his beloved pigeons. Iron Mike likes raising and racing the disgusting flying rats and has a big aviary full of them in his backyard. Weird, but who is going to tell a crazy angry strong ass boxer that his hobbies suck? Tyson claims that an ex-girlfriend was apparently jealous of the time he spent with the birds and fucking killed and ate one of them. Tyson said, “I was dating this young lady and she said, ‘I don’t know why you’re flying those damn birds, you should be eating them.’ She happened to grab one and — and she cooked one and proceeded to eat it.”
That’s fucked up. Then again this is a guy who once famously bit a chunk out of Evander Holyfield’s ear on national TV, has a giant face tattoo, and was convicted of rape. So, I guess his pigeon had it coming.
So obviously the big news last night was the death of Mike Tysons 4-year-old daughter Exodus. It’s possible I was slightest bit cavalier when the news broke, because I assumed it wasn’t that bad since I didn’t and still don’t get how the hell anyone could accidentally hang themselves with a power chord. Even if she somehow wrapped it around her neck several times and then the slack got caught in the moving treadmill, it’s not like the other end is bolted into the wall. But I digress. This is horrific news. Hopefully a better explanation is on it’s way.
MIKE TYSON - his 4-year-old daughter is on life support after being found hanging from a treadmill cord. What a pervert! (source = us.com)
WEEKEND BOX OFFICE - “Star Trek” came in third, bringing it’s three week haul to 191m. “T4” was second with 67m in 5 days, but “Night at the Museum” won the weekend with a 70m opening. 73 percent of the audience for “Museum” were families or people under 25. Which probably means kids. In a related story, kids are fucking retards who will watch absolutely anything. (source = variety)
AVRIL LAVIGNE - she went to Malibu beach yesterday, and was every bit as annoying as you remember her being. Her husband probably stayed home to suck his own dick. Best sex he’d had in three years. (jump to hq here)