The inexplicably famous purveyors of awful shit Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis finally got married even though it was widely assumed they already are and people were waiting for them to get into a plane crash. Kunis dropped a nauseating quote which solidified the grey matter sized marble of hatred in my heart for the couple of bastards:
“My first real kiss ever was with him on the show. We all get movie star crushes. I’m marrying mine.”
Are you talking about Dude Where’s My Car? or have you mistaken him for Christian Bale again? Because you’re the only person doing that. Five bucks says he bangs the cleaning lady yet I’ll drop a hundred to not have to hear about it. I just pictured them fucking and have been vomiting stale Gatorade for several hours. I just thought about it again there goes another laptop. Seriously ride off into the sunset and suck each other’s dicks but for the love of Christ leave us alone. If I see this chick on one more of Maxim’s list I’m moving back to New Zealand. Failing that possibly Iowa. Fuck, you can’t win. She looks like she smells.
A fledgling singer who was apparently friends with Mila Kunis while growing up in the Ukraine is suing her for five thousand dollars because Kunis stole her pet chicken when they were kids. Kristina Karo now claims she needs to a shrink because of the emotional trauma, as do I after browsing her Instagram photos. Think Marilyn Manson if he slept on a potato sack and smoked discarded cigarette butts outside the Greyhoud station. It’s unclear if this is a publicity stunt or if Karo is truly bat shit crazy. Both of them were insolent for keeping a chicken as a pet in the desolate rubble of their motherland. Why are we eating gruel and when do I stab your pet in the head with a screwdriver and drop it into some hot oil? Karo’s suit will likely go nowhere, yet I’d suggest she be deported for disrespecting our legal system with tails of Mrs. Ashton Kutcher kidnapping her chickens. I heard cruise ships are hiring. Not to sing, are you fucking crazy? Here’s some rubber gloves, keep your head down and try not to scare anyone.
Mila Kunis went on Conan and recanted some amusing anecdotes about how women’s tits become engorged with breast milk following pregnancy. Kunis is the first to notice this unusual phenomenon and has been fielding calls from scientists ever since. Turns out they do indeed get larger:
“I don’t know how to deal with them because I’ve never had them and so I’d always dress for a flat-chested girl, and all of a sudden I’m busty, and I’m like, ‘Whoa! Check it out.’ This is amazing to me. It’s like a whole new world. First of all, I needed to start wearing bras… That was a whole new experiment for me. I was like, ‘What are these things that people wear?’ Now I have to.”
And what is this tiny human that came out of my vagina? Dude, let’s get it stoned. Enjoy your bra phase. Really commit to the stripper attire while the nanny feeds the kid formula. You don’t want to waste any. The trick is to have the luscious tits without the screaming newborn. Go back and try again.
Lacey Chabert voiced the role of Meg Griffin the first season of Family Guy but left under unexplained circumstances. She was replaced by Mila Kunis who has helped entertain stoned high school freshmen ever since. Chabert claims she voluntarily left after the first season:
“I actually left the show of my own accord. And only because I was in school and doing Party Of Five at the time. But I think the show is hilarious, and don’t have a grudge against her at all. I think she’s a great actress.”
Nobody leaves a voiceover gig on their own accord. You show up to a sound booth a couple hours a week in sweatpants and wait for never-ending checks to arrive in your mailbox. Dudes with throat cancer will try to voice that shit through their stoma to keep the easy money rolling in. Seth MacFarlane chimed in with a vague recollection of the ordeal:
“I think there was a mistake in her contract, and I guess she had not intended to be involved for, like, the full run of the show. I don’t even remember. To be honest, I don’t really, to this day, know what it was. It was nothing –- there was no tension or anything.”
That makes sense. A small, irrevocable clerical error in Chabert’s contract led to her being ousted from a successful show she kind of wanted no part in anyhow, Maybe her cousin had a lead in for her on assistant manager gig at Chili’s in Century City. Or, you know, Seth McFarlane tried to fuck her and she declined. Consider that just a personal theory among friends. You shouldn’t really speculate when it comes to jobs at Chili’s.
By my reckoning Mila Kunis has about four to six weeks left to get her problem ‘fixed’ by one of those special doctors in Eastern Europe. She can’t possibly be considering bringing Son of Asswipe into this world. You don’t want that legacy on your Wiki page. Rosemary would’ve done the same with her baby if she had the ability to charter a luxury flight to Budapest late in her term. There are no good options left for Mila Kunis, but there are better and worse ones. By the time this kid is mugging for the cameras, there’s only going to be me and some radical clerics futilely trying to end him in a church holy water basin. I can’t speak for the clerics, but I’m incredibly slow and prone to sloth. We haven’t much time.
The two things keeping us from being one of those countries where Hollywood women buy babies is premium cable and birth control. You can thank HBO and the earnest folks at Planned Parenthood with their low carbon footprint Hoover-9000 for helping this country to be mostly warm and fat. In Mali, they might be willing to spread the UNICEF grain around to child seventeen, but here, everybody needs a car. Can you afford seventeen cars? Ashton Kutcher has had a lot of sex with a lot of women through the years. But no offspring. If you think that’s a coincidence, you’re simply missing out on the wonderful wide world of strip mall abortion. A woman’s right to choose is a woman’s right to choose, but, Mila Kunis, you’re about to ruin America.