By Lex June 12, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
The two things keeping us from being one of those countries where Hollywood women buy babies is premium cable and birth control. You can thank HBO and the earnest folks at Planned Parenthood with their low carbon footprint Hoover-9000 for helping this country to be mostly warm and fat. In Mali, they might be willing to spread the UNICEF grain around to child seventeen, but here, everybody needs a car. Can you afford seventeen cars? Ashton Kutcher has had a lot of sex with a lot of women through the years. But no offspring. If you think that’s a coincidence, you’re simply missing out on the wonderful wide world of strip mall abortion. A woman’s right to choose is a woman’s right to choose, but, Mila Kunis, you’re about to ruin America.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt June 06, 2014 @ 9:01 AM
Warner Bros. has decided to delay the release of Jupiter Ascending from tomorrow until the time we land a man on the real Jupiter. In the $150 million “space opera”, Mila Kunis plays a house cleaner named Jupiter Jones who meets a bad ass interplanetary secret service agent played by Channing Tatum and his close-set beady eyes. Channing’s sent across the galaxy to protect the Mila from the Queen of the Universe because Mila is destined to be the real Queen. So, it’s basically every fairy tale ever written run through a scientology cleansing. The film was directed by the Wachowskis, the siblings who directed The Matrix and then three crappy films just like the Matrix. The Wachowskis used to be the Wachowski Brothers until Larry realized he couldn’t be self-actualized until he was Lana and looked like the German chick in Run Lola Run. The studio is holding off on announcing an official reason for the release date delay until their publicity department can figure out a more polite way of saying we just bought ourselves the world’s most expensive sack of shit.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Travis May 09, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Mila Kunis knows the gender of the baby that she’s currently expecting with Ashton Kutcher, and she also has a name picked out, but she won’t reveal any of those details because it’s none of our business or something. After all, her whole relationship with Ashton had been a secret for so long, even though everyone knew about it, so she’s going to keep everything to herself because she’s so brave, according to the monkeys that smacked their hands together in Ellen DeGeneres’ audience. Among the few things she did reveal was that she’ll be having a natural birth, probably because she wants to experience the most pain possible in squeezing 8 pounds of trucker hat out of her, and Ashton is learning Russian so they can raise a bilingual baby, and he can finally learn all of the terrible shit her father has been saying about him.
By Travis April 28, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
It was Ashton Kutcher’s favorite time of year again, as the tech savvy terrible actor headed to Indio, California for the Stagecoach Country Music Festival, which covers up the stench left by Coachella’s drug-abusing hipsters with even cheaper beer and chewing tobacco. As we’ve seen in previous years, there’s nothing that Ashton loves more than dressing up like a TV stereotype of a Midwestern redneck and celebrating his love for a hillbilly jamboree, but this time he had his special little lady, Mila Kunis, with him so they could spend the whole weekend making out in front of everyone. Because there’s really nothing more country than a guy in overalls sucking face with a pregnant woman.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis April 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Mila Kunis was one of the big celebrities that agreed to show up to last night’s MTV Movie Awards event in exchange for a fake gold bucket of popcorn, and of course people can’t stop talking about how great she looks for being pregnant. “Wow, look at how the celebrity with the team of handlers and makeup and wardrobe people at her side throughout the entire show absolutely glows,” they all say while pretending like she’s different from any other pregnant woman in California. Her nipples will become chaffed and stretched out just like the rest of the women, and she’ll have to work her ass off after she gives birth to lose the extra weight. The only difference will be that she’ll be walking around with the constant reminder of having had Ashton Kutcher making stupid faces on top of and probably behind her, and there’s not an exercise or class in the world that can help a girl recover from that.
Photo Credits: Getty
By Travis March 24, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
If she was trying to hide the fact that she is pregnant, then Mila Kunis did a pretty terrible job. Ashton Kutcher’s future wife was reportedly spotted at a pre-natal yoga workout in Hollywood, and she obviously had the right reason for being there, unlike those of us who like to sit outside and watch through the window. According to E!, a source has confirmed that she is actually pregnant, which is sure to piss millions of guys off, even though they never had a shot in hell, because they’re not a male model turned actor, who might make some of the worst fucking movies ever made, but he’s still insanely wealthy and also thinks he’s a tech genius because he invested in some startups. One day, Ashton is going to write a book about his life, and it’s just going to be a few hundred pages of photos of him laughing at us all while wiping his ass with thousand dollar bills. He could title it “Smell My Finger.”
Photo Credit: Getty