Photo Credit: MTV
Photo Credit: MTV
Imagine you’re in Vegas with the kids and you all hit the balcony section at the Britney Spears show. There you are, breaking it down to Britney’s epic dance hits, weeping to her tender ballads, when you spot Miley Cyrus and her scoliosis shoulders craning in to make out with Britney’s dancer chicks. How do you explain that shit to the little ones? They’ve never seen Ellen in a vest suit or had cause to ask why Hilary Clinton and Anthony Weiner’s wife travel the globe together while inexplicably forgiving their husband’s philandering. There’s spastic Hannah Montana making out with a girl who gets paid to twirl and emergency sew Britney’s bursted seams back together onstage. What the hell is happening to this country? Boys need to be introduced to lesbianism watching fake tit-on-tit sex on late night cable. That’s how they learn to appreciate lesbian love and beg their future girlfriends to get it on with their housemates. The boy who spotted this shit is going to go back and tell his little buddies that he saw two chicks making out and it was gross. He’s probably going to get labeled a pussy and get himself a solid beatdown. I hope he sues Miley Cyrus from his little kid hospital bed.
If you missed Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve on ABC on Tuesday night, you’re pretty fucking lucky, because Ryan Seacrest’s shitshow of celebrities pretending like they give a crap about normal people was pretty terrible. However, the best part of it was probably watching Miley Cyrus try to stand in one place and not look like she was the most uncomfortable person on the planet in her giant fur coat and stupid boots. When all was said and done, Miley gave Ryan a New Year’s Kiss to thank him for extending her 15 minutes a little longer, and if that guy wasn’t gay before, he has probably already spent the better part of the first two days of 2014 at a truck stop glory hole.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus
Miley Cyrus responded to Joe Jonas’ allegations that she and Demi Lovato started him down the road to drug problems. In an interview with the New York Times, Miley admits to having introduced Joe to weed but that everything that came after isn’t her fault. We told you about Jonas whining in an interview earlier this month that Miley and Lovato peer pressured him into trying marijuana for the first time. I guess they held him down and twisted his completely heterosexual nipple rings until he took a hit. The incident happened back when they were all young Disney creations being gently molested by Hollywood casting agents and producers. Miley says,
“If you want to smoke weed, you’re going to smoke weed. There’s nothing that two little girls are going to get you to do that you don’t want to do. I thought maybe he was saying that like it was going to make him look badass. We were so young that it’s actually like, ‘How did you get peer pressured by me?”
She’s got a point. Joe Jonas is a huge pussy that no mustache can hide. And, yet, she completely ignores the fact that a teenaged boy will strangle in his parents in their sleep and light the town on fire if a couple teenage girls promise him sex when he’s finished. So, there’s that too. In the end, I blame the parents. As soon as they come out of the money counting room tallying their kids’ financial take, I’m going to have a word with them.
When she’s not bouncing her ass cheeks across the continental United States in the name of spreading Christmas cheer and maybe VD, Miley Cyrus likes to spend her downtime reminding everyone that she’s really famous and she hangs out with other young famous women like Cara Delevingne. But when these two get together, watch out! Because they’re so young and wild and crazy and out of control that they might just touch tongues and post pictures of it on Twitter, because there’s no stopping this crazy train now, you squares. Miley Cyrus is a trail blazer and definitely isn’t a bargain bin version of a Madonna cover artist.
Miley’s new music video “Adore You’ was released this morning and immediately shipped to Guantanamo where it was used to break several Jihadis who’ve been completely resilient to ten years of torture. I’m not sure if it’s the sight of the spastic pubescent boy fumbling around in his mother’s bra or the doleful sounds of nails on a chalkboard mixed with the low rumble of an asphalt roofing kettle, but sworn stalwart Islamic fundamentalists promised to expose the secret location of Bin Laden if only the soldiers would turn the barracks TV back to Animaniacs. Those sad out-of-touch fucks. Who will adore them?