Miley Cyrus Fresh Out Of Ideas

By Matt January 07, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Miley Cyrus thought she’d share some photos of her nose dripping blood. Madonna had some desperate cries for attention which were often lucratively rewarded. You should have given her a consultation call because real blood is not a winner. Dumb people only like edgy shit to a certain degree. You go past boobs and bongs in your selfies, the general public gets weirded out and retreats into their cave where Jay Leno interviews a literal Blow Pop. You’re not going to be in the rotation anymore with this poorly thought out shit. You’re their audience. I hope it’s real.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Meets the Parent

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 6:28 AM

Best Of 2014 Miley Cyrus The Year Of Drugs
There comes a time in every Schwarzenegger boy’s life when he brings home the girl he’s fucking to remind dad that he’s not gay, that’s the other son who sides with mom. Arnold was exceedingly gracious and even wore his less obvious weave to meet Miley Cyrus and his son Patrick for breakfast in Ketchum, Idaho. As per Schwarzenegger custom, dad plunged two fingers into Miley’s vagina to determine her compatibility with his son. It’s like eHarmony, but with much less intrusive questions. Arnold tasted his moistened digits and pronounced the relationship sound. Wunderbar. Everybody had toast and pretended Maria would ever accept this.

Photo Credit: Archives

Schwarzenegger’s Kid Promotes His Biz Well

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 7:38 AM


Patrick Schwarzenegger has been pounding Miley Cyrus for a while pro bono. At this point it makes sense to strap a billboard on her. Schwarz’s goblin headed mom has invested in an up and coming pizza chain called Blaze. This means he’s either snagging some of that money or just promoting it non stop so the shadow ops don’t have him disappeared. This chick is stoned enough she doesn’t know what she’s wearing. Tell her it’s Marc Jacobs or fucking Gallagher who smashes watermelons. Who cares. It’s also highly possible she’s just wearing the dunce hat and they’re all dividing the money in stacks near the pier. Regardless if you like Subway sandwiches but crave trans-fat definitely take Miley’s cue and check this place out. You’ll eat anything when you’re blazed as fuck.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miley Cyrus Shows Tits For Freedom

By Matt December 29, 2014 @ 7:12 AM


Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram photo of her tits as part of the Free The Nipple campaign which seeks women’s liberation through the harmonics of one million teenage boys masturbating simultaneously. Instagram does not allow women’s nipples or versatile sub rape scene creampies as part of their Terms and Conditions, and since removed the photo. The Free The Nipple crowd advocates for the right of women to walk around in public with their tits out, claiming there’s no difference between men and women’s nipples. Ostensibly I agree but one draws a little more attention than the other, hence this post is about Miley Cyrus and not Rick Flair. It also ignores that fact that most of us also want guys who walk around topless in public to be fed to the volcano to make the Ebola stop. Still, I one hundred percent support Cyrus in this noble cause. I had no idea here titties were so attractive in the supine positions. If you spunk while thinking about them, I guess you’re a feminist now. Go pick up your card.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Maria Shriver Is Anti Miley Cyrus

By Matt December 11, 2014 @ 8:08 AM


Maria Shriver reportedly disapproves of her potentially legitimate child Patrick Schwarzenegger dating Miley Cyrus because she’s best known for getting wasted and having midgets spread her ass cheeks for screaming teens and naughty Hungarian men who remember strip clubs under Communist rule. Shriver reportedly cancelled her trip to Art Basel in Miami when she found out Cyrus would be there with her son smoking a joint in pasties and drinking herself into a full Cosby ready stupor. Shriver is a real stickler for character. That’s why she married a dude with a dozen credible sexual harassment suits on file who liked to fuck things that moved within in his sightline. Its unclear if Patrick gives a shit what his perma-scowl faced mother thinks, since it is unclear whether his trust fund has kicked in or not. Based on who he’s bringing to Christmas Dinner I’d say probably yes.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley And Paris’ Makeout Party And Shit Around The Web

By Michael December 08, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


Slut beasts Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton were seen making out at Art Basel in Miami right in front of Miley’s boyfriend baby Schwarzenegger. I wonder what bacterial plagues that live in those whorish maws did they swap?

Read all about how to get herpes simplex A. (The Superficial)

Justin Bieber continues his quest to look like a blond lesbian welder. (TMZ)

George Lucas thinks he’s too good for the new Star Wars. (Huffington Post)

Olivia Wilde’s pussy is eating her bikini bottom. (Drunken Stepfather)

Yara Khmidan’s tits are beyond amazing in these bikini pics. (Popoholic)

Luci Ford and her boobies make my weiner happy. (Hollywood Tuna)

Someone is trying to kill furbies. (Dlisted)