Miley Cyrus Performs the Nutcracker

By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 2:54 PM

Miley Cyrus Twerks With Santa Onstage At The Staples Center
What the hell do you tell your kids? Santa isn’t real or he is real and he’s dry humping that painted platypus you love so much onstage. Miley Cyrus spent her stage time at iHeart Jingle Balls thing dirty dancing with her cranky midget in between grinding her ass on St. Nick’s skinny. The whole Boschian menagerie designed to divert attention from the fact that Miley spent her last genie wish on getting her her mom and Bret Michaels together for a reunion fuck rather than a decent singing voice for herself. That’s selfless enough to get Miley onto Santa’s nice list this year, as if taking Kringle splooge on the backside of her elf costume wasn’t enough. Go explain that to your kids.

Photo Credit: Getty, Splash

Snooki Has Sex Toy Plans for Miley Cyrus

By Jack December 06, 2013 @ 1:22 PM

Snooki thinks that she and Miley Cyrus should be best friends and have the sluttiest Christmas ever. The pint-sized Guido came to Miley’s defense saying that she sees a lot of her gnarled trollish self in Miley. Snooki believes that the two clam carriers could really do some damage this holiday season, buying rubber dicks and sexually assaulting Santa:

“I feel like I would get her a lot of Christmas presents that involve vibrators, some sex toys, and go to a stripper store and buy really hot stripper outfits. Because she loves being naked, and I love seeing her naked because she’s hot…I would buy her some tight pleather pants and a spiky bra Madonna style. She could walk around like that. Maybe sit on Santa’s lap, give Santa a boner. She could twerk on Santa.”

I think these two hard partying shebangs hanging out is a great idea. In fact, I think their friendship should be made into an ABC Family Christmas film called “I Gave Santa Gonorrhea”.

Miley Cyrus’ Beard Ruins Thanksgiving

By Lex November 28, 2013 @ 2:14 PM

I’m not sure why a bunch of you stopped looking at Miley’s tits or ass for any amount of time to notice her face. You might as well start twerking to her music. But some untold number of you insisted on directing me to look at her chin at the American Music Awards. I stopped drinking my Thanksgiving ale for half a second, zoomed in, and there the fuck it was — a burgeoning billy goat gruff. Or scruff. Or just the makings of a Duck Dynasty bandwagoner. Miley’s got a fucking beard. Maxim’s already pulled their January cover to revise for the World’s Hottest Bearded Lady. Jesus. I mean, literally, Miley might be turning into Jesus. What if she’s the Messiah instead of just a twink who badly needs a facial waxing? Thanks for ruining my Thanksgiving.

Brandi Cyrus Wants To Be Famous Now, Too

By Travis November 26, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Now that Miley Cyrus has made it big and is flapping her nonexistent ass cheeks all over the stage with D-list rappers, the Cyrus family is trying to elevate 26-year old Brandi Cyrus to fame, because if there’s a dollar to be made, Billy Ray and Trish will take it. Brandi was also at the American Music Awards on Sunday night, interviewing celebrities on the red carpet, but she absolutely dazzled on her own as people took pictures of her and asked, “Who the fuck is this girl?” while others responded, “No clue, I’m just making sure my camera works.”

Photo Credits: Getty

Miley Cyrus Named One Of The Least Influential Celebrities Of 2013

By Jack November 25, 2013 @ 4:47 PM

Miley joined Dennis Rodman on GQ’s list of the least influential celebrities of 2013. The magazine, known for gripping exposes of the best moisturizer for men and ads for haute couture For Him clothing, released its list of the least influential dickheads in its latest issue. Rodman topped the list for his bromance with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. But it was the inclusion of Miley that has people talking. GQ says that Miley is,

“Basically trying every inane strategy she could think of to rile up America’s few remaining pearl clutchers. What’s sad is that it totally worked.”

So, then, she is influential? I don’t really understand this list. I suppose it’s just a chance to call out a bunch of people who are mostly annoying tools. But  least influential? Miley Cyrus has millions of fans who are warped enough to repeat the mantra that she has a beautiful singing voice. She’s encouraged untold sums of high school girls that shake their asses like a porn star if they want to be popular. If I was a high school boy, I’d be pretty fucking happy about this social phenomenon. Least influential? Meh. Looks like a duck fired from a cannon into the back of a semi truck? I’d put her on the list.

Miley Cyrus is Missing Something

By Travis November 20, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

At some point after last night’s Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe Launch Party in Playa Vista, California, newly-single model Miranda Kerr ran into Miley Cyrus, and the two let fashion photographer Mert Alas take a quick close-up picture of them. Normally, I’d wonder something truly important and intellectual like whether or not this is the company that Miranda is going to keep now that she and Orlando Bloom are divorcing, but where the fuck are Miley’s eyebrows? If this leads to millions of stupid girls across the world taking up the alopecia look as “fashion,” we’re really going to have to start considering and taking the idea of mass sterilization more seriously.

Photo Credit: Miranda Kerr/Instagram