Miley Cyrus Is Back At Twerking Form

By Travis May 05, 2014 @ 2:00 PM

As planned, Miley Cyrus has been given the green light to resume her Bangerz tour with her London show tomorrow, after she had to postpone some American and European shows because of her “allergies.” Doctors said that she had an “allergic reaction” to some “antibiotics,” and forgive us for being so skeptical about it all, but since this girl acts like she’s the first person on the planet to ever try drugs and shake her ass, it’s hard to believe that she just got a case of the common cold. But to announce her return to the road, she posted a video of her shaking her flat ass like a fucking idiot, because there’s just no stopping this rebel of a music superstar. What will this generation’s genius think of next? No clue, but it’s guaranteed to be annoying as hell and probably stolen from dozens of artists before her.

Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus Twitter

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Miley Cyrus Taped Nipples For A Video By Quentin Jones

By Lex May 02, 2014 @ 12:44 PM

Miley Cyrus Wears Tape On Her Nipples For A Video By Quentin Jones
I don’t know who this Quentin Jones fellow is, but he’s described as a multimedia artist, which I assume is a title of honor they just don’t give out to any old art school student. He made this Sesame Street style video of Miley Cyrus with tape on her nipples that runs just before Miley comes out on stage for her Banger Tour appearances. It lets the tween audience known that bad porn is about to commence. As adults, we know when richly unsatisfying Euro porn is about to begin. Somebody starts playing the harp. But middle school kids need a prompt that Miley is moments away from running out on stage to rub her clit on top of an Olds 88. It used to be the fat concert promoter with a mustache yelling ‘Are you ready to rock!’. Now it’s naked multimedia Miley covered in oil while obscure things are uttered in French so that nobody can technically get arrested for obscenity.

Let’s Keep Pretending Miley Cyrus Had Bad Antibiotics

By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 6:02 PM

I prefer when the publicists just say the young drug experimenting and partying performers are suffering from exhaustion or vocal chord fatigue or whatever other bullshit to explain why tours are being canceled and why the stars are mysteriously hold up in hospital wards. But I guess allergic reaction to an antibiotic is the new ‘wants to spend more time with her family’. Journey taught us that the road ain’t no place to raise a family, but it is an excellent place to chase down some happy pills with Jack and Cokes. Occasionally bands will cancel tours for non-drug related reasons. The dude from Kings of Leon canceled the tour a couple summers back because he just wanted to bang the shit out of his new Victoria’s Secret wife. Van Halen’s reunion concert got shut down when the crotchety old dudes just couldn’t stand to fucking look at each other sober. But, by and large, it’s recreational substances. Though that was refuted by Miley’s publicists:

Miley was suffering from a sinus infection during her tour in N.C. a week ago. She was prescribed the antibiotic Cephalexin which she has now suffered an extreme allergic reaction to. This type of extreme reaction can last from five to 27 days in these types of cases. She will remain hospitalized and is under a doctor’s care until we see some improvement in her condition and is asking for your compassion and privacy at this time. Miley is devastated about missing shows and possibly disappointing her fans.

That certainly seems official. Despite first hand accounts of Miley’s massive weed smoking, it’s hard to argue with publicist penned science. I can certainly give her my compassion at this time. Privacy is another matter. I’d like to retain that for myself. I do hope Miley gets better. I bet her drug connect does too.

Photo credit: Splash News

Miley Cyrus Is Fresh Out of Ideas

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 5:02 PM

First she teased and then she showed her tits and then she got on a horse and showed her tis and then she got on stage and started fingering her taint and kissed Katy Perry and grinded Robin Thicke out of his marriage. Now Miley Cyrus has run completely out of ideas. She’s Instagramming blurry photos of herself holding her tiny tits. She’s not even drinking her own urine or getting a FUCK YOU tattoo. That won’t do. We need some kind of online suggestion box where people can upload their ideas for ways for Miley to get back into the spotlight. We can blacklist phrases like cunt bomb to keep her feelings from getting hurt. It’s crowd sourcing, it’s the wave of the future. It could keep Miley going until 22.

Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Instagram

Miley Cyrus Canceled A Show So This Fan Cried On TV (VIDEO)

By Travis April 08, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Now claiming that she’s sick on top of mourning her dead dog, Floyd, who was snatched away in the night by a band of coyotes, Miley Cyrus canceled her show in North Carolina last night just 30 minutes before it was supposed to begin. Fans were obviously devastated over the announcement, so a local news team hit the street to humiliate any crying fans they could find, like this poor girl who could barely even speak because she was so upset. It’s hard not to feel bad for her, because now she’ll have to wait to find out what shameless attention whoring looks like close up. But that doesn’t mean she should give up her own dream of working at a mall kiosk and being pregnant three times before she turns 20 like all Miley fans are destined for.

Miley Cyrus Already Replaced Her Dead Dog

By Travis April 07, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

Miley Cyrus claims that she’s been left devastated by the death of her dog, Floyd, after he was reportedly snatched away in the night by coyotes, and she’s been coping with the loss by crying about it on Twitter and at her recent shows. The horny, pot-loving singer has even dedicated renditions of Floyd’s favorite songs to him during her shows, all for the sake of helping her cope with the gigantic hole in her heart. She also got a new dog that she was spotted with in New York yesterday, after her show on Saturday night, where she was so depressed that she could barely grind on a car hood without breaking down.

While the coyotes are probably still sleeping off their meal, Miley’s mom thought it would be a good idea to replace Floyd with another dog, and that’s just fine parenting right there. In fact, I can’t wait until Miley finally decides to have a baby, forgets it at a truck stop and then decides to adopt another one to replace it. If anything, that original baby will probably grow up to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus.

Photo Credits: Getty