Snooki Has Sex Toy Plans for Miley Cyrus

By Jack December 06, 2013 @ 1:22 PM

Snooki thinks that she and Miley Cyrus should be best friends and have the sluttiest Christmas ever. The pint-sized Guido came to Miley’s defense saying that she sees a lot of her gnarled trollish self in Miley. Snooki believes that the two clam carriers could really do some damage this holiday season, buying rubber dicks and sexually assaulting Santa:

“I feel like I would get her a lot of Christmas presents that involve vibrators, some sex toys, and go to a stripper store and buy really hot stripper outfits. Because she loves being naked, and I love seeing her naked because she’s hot…I would buy her some tight pleather pants and a spiky bra Madonna style. She could walk around like that. Maybe sit on Santa’s lap, give Santa a boner. She could twerk on Santa.”

I think these two hard partying shebangs hanging out is a great idea. In fact, I think their friendship should be made into an ABC Family Christmas film called “I Gave Santa Gonorrhea”.

Miley Cyrus’ Beard Ruins Thanksgiving

By Lex November 28, 2013 @ 2:14 PM

I’m not sure why a bunch of you stopped looking at Miley’s tits or ass for any amount of time to notice her face. You might as well start twerking to her music. But some untold number of you insisted on directing me to look at her chin at the American Music Awards. I stopped drinking my Thanksgiving ale for half a second, zoomed in, and there the fuck it was — a burgeoning billy goat gruff. Or scruff. Or just the makings of a Duck Dynasty bandwagoner. Miley’s got a fucking beard. Maxim’s already pulled their January cover to revise for the World’s Hottest Bearded Lady. Jesus. I mean, literally, Miley might be turning into Jesus. What if she’s the Messiah instead of just a twink who badly needs a facial waxing? Thanks for ruining my Thanksgiving.

Brandi Cyrus Wants To Be Famous Now, Too

By Travis November 26, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Now that Miley Cyrus has made it big and is flapping her nonexistent ass cheeks all over the stage with D-list rappers, the Cyrus family is trying to elevate 26-year old Brandi Cyrus to fame, because if there’s a dollar to be made, Billy Ray and Trish will take it. Brandi was also at the American Music Awards on Sunday night, interviewing celebrities on the red carpet, but she absolutely dazzled on her own as people took pictures of her and asked, “Who the fuck is this girl?” while others responded, “No clue, I’m just making sure my camera works.”

Photo Credits: Getty

Miley Cyrus Named One Of The Least Influential Celebrities Of 2013

By Jack November 25, 2013 @ 4:47 PM

Miley joined Dennis Rodman on GQ’s list of the least influential celebrities of 2013. The magazine, known for gripping exposes of the best moisturizer for men and ads for haute couture For Him clothing, released its list of the least influential dickheads in its latest issue. Rodman topped the list for his bromance with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. But it was the inclusion of Miley that has people talking. GQ says that Miley is,

“Basically trying every inane strategy she could think of to rile up America’s few remaining pearl clutchers. What’s sad is that it totally worked.”

So, then, she is influential? I don’t really understand this list. I suppose it’s just a chance to call out a bunch of people who are mostly annoying tools. But  least influential? Miley Cyrus has millions of fans who are warped enough to repeat the mantra that she has a beautiful singing voice. She’s encouraged untold sums of high school girls that shake their asses like a porn star if they want to be popular. If I was a high school boy, I’d be pretty fucking happy about this social phenomenon. Least influential? Meh. Looks like a duck fired from a cannon into the back of a semi truck? I’d put her on the list.

Miley Cyrus is Missing Something

By Travis November 20, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

At some point after last night’s Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe Launch Party in Playa Vista, California, newly-single model Miranda Kerr ran into Miley Cyrus, and the two let fashion photographer Mert Alas take a quick close-up picture of them. Normally, I’d wonder something truly important and intellectual like whether or not this is the company that Miranda is going to keep now that she and Orlando Bloom are divorcing, but where the fuck are Miley’s eyebrows? If this leads to millions of stupid girls across the world taking up the alopecia look as “fashion,” we’re really going to have to start considering and taking the idea of mass sterilization more seriously.

Photo Credit: Miranda Kerr/Instagram

This Is So Much Better, Miley Cyrus

By Travis November 15, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

Earlier this week, Miley Cyrus made half of the country spit out its coffee in disbelief when she told the BBC that she considers herself to be “one of the biggest feminists in the world.” Maybe that’s why she dressed so conservatively for the Bambi Awards in Berlin last night, as she showed up to perform “Wrecking Ball” while dressed sort of like an actual elegant female human being. In fact, her dress was almost perfect, and all it needed to be complete was someone pulling the long sleeves behind her back and setting them in place with 10-pound padlocks. Then maybe someone could have pushed her into the River Spree, but that might have ruined her hair.

Photo Credits: