You can’t stop the kids from growing up. It seems like just yesterday I was lying about never masturbating while watching Hannah Montana. And, now, little Hannah is all grown up into a mature semi-spastic girl in leather. I need a little time to digest this. I might have to go back to the Hannah Montana tapes for a little to wean. Then move slowly, but quite decidedly, into these V magazine titty-grabbing photos. A man needs a masturbation plan. A man without one is just fapping in the wind.
I know Snoop is currently selling his questionable duets reggae beats album, including the Auto-Tuned aural affair that is Ashtrays and Heartbreaks featuring Miley. Still, there is hyperbole and there is total disconnect from common perception. You’d be hard pressed to find even a tween girl Miley fan who would commit to this level of exaggeration. Nancy Reagan predicted all this 30 years ago but nobody was listening.
Miley Cyrus is hurting with the loss of her engagement to the Hemsworth brother nobody remembers. To swallow her feelings, Miley flashed her ass crack and smoked a j in Miami. She also snuck into a 21 and over club despite being underaged. This is the difference between a troubled pop star and a troubled rock star. A troubled rock star would be cutting the phrase ‘Fuck me’ into her arm just below her track marks. Rock stars are inherently more interesting people.
Miley has a new song, a collaboration with the tattered remains of what use to be Snoop Dogs street cred called Ashtrays and Heartbreaks. It actually seems to be getting good reviews. Which means I must be missing something here because I think it’s an absolute train wreck. I’m sure the ashtrays are suppose to represent something. Caskets? Is it caskets? Either way if Tupac weren’t already dead he’d wish he was after hearing this rhythmic holocaust. I don’t really know what I was expecting though. So in the end Miley was right, this certainly did shut me up. No longer will I be talking about how ridiculous her haircut is or sitting on pins and needles about her engagement to the Hemsworth brother nobody cares about. Instead I’ll sit back silently and think to myself how much this song fucking sucks.
How do you know when a celebrity is lying? When they quit Twitter because they’re sick of all the untruths. Kind of like discovering gambling in Casablanca. Just last week the spastic Miley Cyrus hunched over her MacBook Air and tweeted out that she was leaving social media because of all the unfounded rumors about her breaking up with that Hemsworth brother who is not Thor. Well, it looks like it’s true.
Why do we care? Rebound sex. Miley is going to have a ton of it. She’s going to bang so hard her back might straighten out. And that’s something every man within her radius ought to note. Because outside of daddy-hate, broken-hearted-rebound-sex is the easiest, craziest times on the planet.
Miley Cyrus is sick of all the lies. Stop the damn lies!
I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn’t call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining
– Miley Cyrus, on Twitter
She’s #draining. What exactly she’s #draining is not specified in her 140 character limit. If it’s her fiance’s tool, then I’d say the press reports of her engagement being called off are probably bullshit. If it’s her bank account to buy a new custom-made 24K gold scoliosis back brace, then I’d say she’s looking at getting back into the dating pool in the near future.
I’ve had a crush on Miley since Perez Hilton first showed me her underaged vagina. In Perez’s defense, he’d never seen one before and thought it was her shoe. In my defense, well, fuck, I have none. Still, it was a thing that led to a thing that has had me finding Billy Ray’s spastic daughter pretty damn hot. Save for that voice. And the hair. And the tit tattoos.