Miley Cyrus’ Mouth Keeps Getting Bigger

By Lex July 02, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that Maxim named this woman the hottest female on the planet. It was like arguing with my Uncle Ray over whether or not Paul O’Neill was the greatest baseball player ever. It always ended up with me calling Ray a retard and Ray telling me my parents never loved me. We were both clinically correct. I don’t want to have that fight with Maxim. If they think Aladdin’s monkey is the walking embodiment of female sexuality, so be it. Next year they can name the remaining female parts of Chaz Bono the winner. I do not care. Except I do. Idiots.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INF

Miley Cyrus Embarrassed by Her ‘Old’ Hits

By Lex June 28, 2013 @ 10:34 AM

Like most transcendent musical talents, Miley Cyrus sees her craft as an evolving art form. That shit she made a few years ago is nothing like the shit she’s making now. It’s downright embarrassing really.

“Right now, when people go to iTunes and listen to my old music, it’s so irritating to me because I can’t just erase that stuff and start over,”

Wonderful, modern day Brian Wilson. Are you sending back the $40 million in licensed Hannah Montana lunch box money? Where do I go to get back all the hours I spent listening to The Climb on repeat and crying? This news is going to crush the remaining soul pieces of millions of heartfelt teenaged girls just now getting their boobs.

“I’m going on a journey, and that’s more than a lot of 20-year-old’s can say.”

Unlike all you automatons with your mindless roles in the matrix. Things like jobs. And school. Were you on The Today Show this week? Smoking weed with Snoop? No, you were not. You’re not on a journey like Miley. You will never know the rapture of creation.

Miley Cyrus Dances Dirty on Jimmy Kimmel

By Lex June 26, 2013 @ 12:13 PM

Miley Cyrus Dances Dirty With Back Up Dancers Onstage At Jimmy Kimmel Live
Maxim’s Hottest Woman in the Entire Fucking World caused quite a stir last night on Kimmel. She was thrusting out her tongue and flashing her ass and simulating sex with her backup dancers. It was like watching one of those monkeys at the zoo who you can tell just aren’t adjusting well to life in confinement. Maybe Miley is about to be shipped off to the continuation zoo. It’s like the regular zoo, only with packs of pregnant Puerto Rican girls promising to cut you if you cross them.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, Splash

Miley Cyrus Might Have Been The Hottest Woman On Jimmy Kimmel Live (VIDEO)

By Travis June 19, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

The best moments on Jimmy Kimmel Live are when the host sends a fake reporter out to humiliate random people by asking them questions about things that aren’t true and watching them lie their asses off. His ridiculous celebrity music videos aren’t bad either, like “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck”, and last night Kimmel introduced, “Channing All Over Your Tatum”, prior to the NBA Finals.

The video stars Channing Tatum, Jamie Foxx, Miley Cyrus, Gabourey Sidibe and Olivia Munn, and it proved that Maxim really missed a great opportunity to justify naming Miley No. 1 on the Hot 100. All they had to do was make Gabourey No. 2 on the list and none of us would have ever questioned it.

Amanda Bynes Wants Miley’s Nose

By Lex June 13, 2013 @ 5:42 PM

The closer Amanda gets to no-return batshit crazy, the more fun she gets. All the decent people are asking that she get help, but those people just hate good entertainment. They would have protested the gladiator fights at the coliseum. Oh, no, one of them gets stabbed through the lung at the end. Boo fucking hoo. It’s great sport. A couple days ago she called Miley Cyrus ‘ugly’ on Twitter. Apparently, she disagrees with Maxim magazine. Then Miley came back at her with a supportive note, which confused the beast, who fired back the only compliment she could think of, ‘I want your nose’. What she really means is ‘I’d like to slice off your nose with a box cutter and hang it on my necklace of human body parts’. Which makes this even more fun. Because you know she will try.

MySpace Threw A Party, Invited All The Cool Kids

By Travis June 13, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

MySpace is apparently back with a brand new design, and the people behind it celebrated last night by throwing a party at the El Rey Theatre in Los Angeles with a bunch of really cool young people to let you know how hip it is. Among the stars in attendance were Vanessa Hudgens, Ashley Tisdale and Maxim’s No. 1 on the Hot 100 list, Miley Cyrus, who once again wasn’t even the hottest woman at a MySpace party on a Wednesday night.

Tara Reid was also there, which sounds a little strange because she’s neither young nor cool, but I think her purpose was to stand on the stage under a sign that read, “Then” so it would make sense when Olivia Wilde stood under a sign that read, “Now”.

(Photo Credits: Getty)