Miley Cyrus Offered $1 Million to Direct Porn

By Jack October 11, 2013 @ 3:39 PM

Porn emporium Gamelink offered Miley Cyrus $1 million dollars to DIRECT a porno. Apparently no one wants to actually see Miley Cyrus naked and riding some anatomically blessed dude, they just want to experience the magic of her mind’s eye. I can see the rational behind part of that.

“We believe that as an empowered 21st century woman, you are the ideal choice to show the world your vision as an artist in the world of adult entertainment. GameLink would like to offer you the very lucrative opportunity to direct an adult film, giving you full creative control, for ONE MILLION dollars.”

Full creative control is something most adult film directors can only dream of. Albeit, most are allowed a great deal of license provided they stay under the $500 cost for production and don’t show too much mouth kissing. It’s possible the good people at GameLink are confusing Miley’s accomplishments with Miley actually being accomplished. You can’t just handover the sacred reigns of porn to anybody. The Protectors of Chatsworth will descend from above and slap you hard on your junk.

Suzanne Somers Is Having More Sex Than Miley Cyrus

By Lex October 10, 2013 @ 1:02 PM

Whenever somebody tells me anything about their sex life, I’m always thinking just one thing. Unless it involves Katherine Heigl and two donkeys, I’ve heard it before. Still, some people just insist on sharing. Especially older people who are still getting it on. You don’t need to give them much of an opening to brag about their ageless humping habits. Hey, look, there’s rain in the forecast today….just like I rain my man stick down upon your grandma thrice daily. Suzanne Somers saw her opening after Miley Cyrus declared on The Today Show earlier this week by saying that nobody over 40 is having sex.

In fact, the actress and “I’m Too Young For This!” author – now 66 – claims to have sex twice a day, and three times a day on weekends!

“That would be a Saturday or a Sunday when we’re just hanging around,” Suzanne told Access Hollywood Live’s Billy Bush and Kit Hoover when asked if she and her husband have “three-fers.” “I swear to God!”

Suzanne then waited a moment for the obligatory golf applause for older people having sex. Suzanne claims that it’s hormones she takes and force feeds her even older husband that keep them pre-moistened and horny all the time. I would investigate the claim further but I started feeling queasy. Plus she didn’t mention Heigl or the burros.

Here’s Miley Cyrus at 20 ready for sex at her Bangerz release party. I bet she’s not getting it on as much as Suzanne Somers. In your vagina, Miley Cyrus!

Photo Credit: Getty, Splash

Miley Cyrus Is Insanely Popular

By Lex October 07, 2013 @ 7:42 PM

A bunch of people gave me shit on Twitter for saying Miley Cyrus has won. But she has. This prodigious chipmunk is everywhere. Hosting SNL late into Saturday night. The Today Show on Monday morning. Her auto-tuned symphony Bangerz just went on sale. She’s taking all the press for being a confused and crazy wild whore child and funneling it into a sausage grinder that is just spitting out money. It’s like alchemy. Shit is going in. Gold is coming out. It’s that much more impressive because she does look like she can fell a tree with her dam-building front buckies. Scoreboard, mofos, as Miley would say in her authentic gangster voice.

Here’s Miley on the Today Show this morning, with her mom taking pictures of her daughter and her ass hanging out on national TV. Her mom should be proud, she had to be thinking that her daughter would grow up to be a science experiment.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet

Sinead O’Connor Tells Miley Cyrus to Stop Being Such a Ho Bag

By Lex October 04, 2013 @ 3:49 PM

Sinead O'Connor Performs Live At The 2013 Bestival
People who write ‘Open Letters’ are almost entirely humorless dicks. What is an Open Letter but a self-serving excuse to grandstand your inflated sense of moral superiority. Case in point, Sinead O’Connor’s open letter to Miley Cyrus telling her to be less of a total skank in her music career:

“Nothing but harm will come in the long run, from allowing yourself to be exploited, and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way an empowerment of yourself or any other young women, for you to send across the message that you are to be valued (even by you) more for your sexual appeal than your obvious talent.”

I felt like the baldy unisex singer had something of a point there, until she mentioned Miley Cyrus’ obvious talents. Now I think this might just be an elaborate prank.

“The music business doesn’t give a shit about you, or any of us. They will prostitute you for all you are worth, and cleverly make you think it’s what YOU wanted… None of the men oggling you give a shit about you either, do not be fooled.”

Because, Miley, you and your parents from this place called Tennessee can’t possibly be smart enough to see through the music industry bullshit, even though you’ve already been a top star in the business for five times longer than I ever was. Jesus, Sinead (no offense), just because you’re old and Irish and bitchy doesn’t give you instant wisdom points. Miley and her management team know exactly what they’re doing. And, yeah, maybe someday Miley will regret all this untoward behavior on camera, but unlike the rest of us who look back on our slutty stupid years with some regret, she’ll have $200 million in the bank.

But, thanks for the open letter, you praying mantis looking fugly has-been.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Hulk Hogan Makes Terrifying Commercial In A Thong

By Jack October 04, 2013 @ 1:06 PM

By now we’ve all seen Miley Cyrus’ construction equipment humping Wrecking Ball video. Well, in a new commercial for Hostamania, a web hosting site, Hulk Hogan rides a wrecking ball in a thong to the tune of his classic theme song Real American. Yes. That happened. This, alas, isn’t the first time we’ve seen the Hulkster’s ass. Remember his sex tape? Of course you do! There are certain things that you can’t unsee. The rest of the commercial doesn’t make a lot of sense. A guy is eating crayons and then another guy drops from the ceiling and steals and eats the first guys crayons and then Hulk Hogan beats him up. If Hostamania really wants to beat GoDaddy they might want to throw in some tits or hot chicks at least…not a 60-year-old leather purse-looking dude’s ass.

Miley Cyrus Strips For Terry Richardson

By Lex October 03, 2013 @ 6:37 PM

Miley Cyrus Strips For A Photoshoot With Terry Richardson

I want so badly to dislike this feverish looking platypus but it’s really no longer possible. I’ve never seen somebody with such a singularly obvious plan working so well. Hannah Montana has gone crazy. Hey, everybody look. That’s the entire fucking plan. And it’s working brilliantly. Cha-ching. Game over. Miley wins. Go write a letter about life is unfair and mail it to nobody.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson