Miley Cyrus is just trying to ruin shit now. I used to think she was just a spastic chipmunk with scoliosis acting out against her parents divorce. Now I realize this ‘crazy sexy’ bit is running much deeper and far more insidious. First, she tanked Maxim magazine by letting them make more poor decisions. Then, she ruined furry cosplay sex by taking something beautiful and turning it into a Hieronymus Bosch rape scene from a mental ward. Finally, she stole Twerking from girls with big booties and handed it over to suburban white girls with flat asses. Now she’s out to drive a stake through the heart of the hot chick in a team jersey cliche. Who’s going to stop this destroyer of planets?
Here’s how Miley Cyrus decides what to do next. First, she imagines her presumed dead father just returned home after many years and killed her mom’s lover. Then she smokes salvia until the overture to Tommy stops playing over and over again in her brain. Wing-bang-boom, next thing you know, you’re grinding your spastic tom-boy vagina on a costumed bird in Vegas. It’s just a spin of the wheel really as to where Miley will land next.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Twitter
Miley Cyrus knows how to commit. For her Rolling Stone interview she got the words ‘Rolling Stone’ tattooed onto the bottom of her feet. That’s so fucking punk. Then taking off her top and grabbing her own tit. I don’t know, more fucking punk. Anybody who thought Miley Cyrus was just a manufactured pop music star twerking lyrics to her brilliant music, wake the fuck up. This girl is breaking barriers. She’s also noticing some very unfair shit.
“It was a lot of ‘Miley twerks on Robin Thicke,’ but never, ‘Robin Thicke grinds up on Miley.’ They’re only talking about the one that bent over. So obviously there’s a double standard.” — Miley Cyrus to Rolling Stone.
She’s so right. Why does the one who gets bent over always suffer the consequences of cultural stigma, not to mention potential pregnancies? Miley doesn’t just have important things to say, she is asking all the right questions. She’s like a young Bob Dylan meets Wendy O’Williams meets Secretariat. I mean, if any of them got the names of magazines tattooed on their feet (or hooves). Already can’t wait for Women’s Wear Daily.
Photo Credit: Rolling Stone
Don’t think this is because I hate you. Somebody needs to observe the way in which midgets are being abused by Miley Cyrus in the name of entertainment. Not only do these smooshed people have to dress like they ride the short bus to the Lollypop Guild School, at their stature they’re going to be getting a full whiff of Cyrus crotch that I’m told is washed about as often as your average cook staff lave sus manos when leaving the restaurant bathroom. Somebody full sized needs to secure those midgets from beneath the magic mushrooms and avoid the Koopa with the pasties.
If my dog displayed that very same face to me, I’d rush her to the vet and beg the doc to make her better. But for spastic Miley Cyrus at the iHeart Radio Concert in Vegas, that Candida covered tongue just means somebody’s been sucking on a few unkempt wrecking balls. She really ought to mount a Purell dispenser on one of her shoulders if she cares about the public good.
Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been done for a while, regardless of what they or anyone else said, because he’s trying to become a serious actor and she’s more interested in rubbing her ass all over Robin Thicke, pretending to rap and sticking her tongue out for Terry Richardson. But when news finally broke that they were officially done, a bunch of media outlets beat the same stupid “Couldn’t twerk it out” joke to death while pretending like they were so hilarious for it. Fortunately, Jimmy Kimmel compiled a bunch of the clips so we can remember how much these people suck.