Miley Cyrus Wants You To Believe She’s Fucked Up

By Jack September 03, 2013 @ 2:49 PM

Teddy bear rapist Miley Cyrus says she is really fucked up in a new interview. Is she, realllly? Miley has been in the news lately after she gyrated like a harlot and dry humped Robin Thicke on the VMAs, (even though he was dressed like Beetlejuice at the time). Miley seems to be following former Disney alumns Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amanda Bynes down the path to self destruction. Miley says,

“I have so many fucking issues. I am so fucked up -– everyone does dumb stuff when they are messed up…I don’t have a normal life. I take a hiatus every now and again, but I’m not good at that.”

She says it’s because she works soooo hard. Sure. I’m sure cocaine has nothing to do with it. I for one don’t buy it. I think she is still playing the double life of Hannah Montana, only this version of Hannah is a ho. I get the distinct feeling that Miley is affecting this entire thing. Unlike Britney and Amanda who really did go nuts, Miley’s actions feel as forced as Billy Ray Cyrus’ heterosexuality. She knows that after the teeny bopper and Disney Channel Original Movies are over there is only one way to stay relevant: act like a freakshow whore. Or have talent, but since that isn’t the case she has to go with the twerking thing.

Miley Cyrus Is Blacker Than You

By Lex September 02, 2013 @ 12:35 PM

Miley Cyrus Wears A Crop Top As She Sticks Her Toungue Out In Tuloca Lake
There’s a whole bunch of outrage in the black community over Miley Cyrus carrying herself like an official representative of the urban music scene and asking songwriters to give her shit to sing that sounds black. The outrage actually seems to be mostly from a bunch of white people who like to get up in arms on behalf of the black community because that makes them feel like they’re enlightened.

“Which brings us back to Miley Cyrus’ VMA performance – a perfect illustration of just how the celebrity world appropriates black culture and female liberation”. — Hadley Freeman, writing op-ed in The Guardian.

Hadley managed to nail two civil rights buttons in one sentence, so I think she wins a college degree from Vassar or something. Mostly I suspect every race, creed, and color has more important things to do than worrying about Miley Cyrus thumping her ass and wearing her sweat pants too low. Yeah, I’m sure it sucks when some retard with her tongue hanging out Maxim’s hottest woman in the world starts borrowing your shit to turn a buck, but Miley’s fans are the same ones buying up Kanye albums in enough numbers that he got to make a baby in Kim Kardashian. It’s a convoluted balancing of the scales. I’ll explain it in more detail in my lengthy forthcoming essay: I’m White and I Feel Bad About Shit So I’m Better Than You.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Miley Cyrus Helps Justin Bieber Service Lil Twist

By Lex August 29, 2013 @ 4:29 PM

Justin Bieber is all about his craft. And being just the best friend ever. So when his rapping bestie Lil Twist decided he needed to share his magic  with the world too, Justin agreed to be featured on his new track. Not only that, but Justin called up Miley Cyrus and the three of the little musical tours de force got together in the Honeycomb Hideout and cranked out the ingeniously conceived ‘Twerk’. It’s what I imagine would have happened musically if Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart got together to pen a symphony. If Beethoven, Bach, and Mozart were spastic tone-deaf retards and eleven year old Austrian girls owned the phonograph market. I dare you to listen to this piece of shizen.

And if you’re a real glutton for punishment, here’s Miley in her promo pics for her new album ‘Bangerz. It’s called Bangerz because Miley is black and representing.

Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus Kind Of Raps On 23 (VIDEO)

By Travis August 28, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

The reason that Miley Cyrus Tweeted that picture of her looking like a stripper at a 1993 NBA All-Star Game after party the other day was because she was dressed up for her part in filming the music video for Mike Will Made It’s “23,” which conveniently leaked online around the same time that Miley was prepping for her memorable MTV VMA performance. In the leaked sample of the track, we actually get to hear Miley rapping, as she name drops Naughty By Nature and references their 1993 hit “Hip Hop Hooray.”

So if you still don’t believe that this is a huge practical joke being played on white America by a bunch of rappers, then I don’t know what else to tell you.

Teddy Bear Companies Want Miley Cyrus To Stop Humping Teddy Bears

By Lex August 27, 2013 @ 4:10 PM

The people who want to sell you Teddy Bear Picnic and Teddy Bears for Valentine’s Day and Teddy Bears for your cute little daughters want Miley Cyrus to stop using teddy bear costumes and imagery in her raunchy music videos and stage performances. They also want nobody anywhere ever to acknowledge the fact that many young girls discover their sexuality with Mr. Higglesworth getting frisky in the dark. Plus, good luck with making Miley Cyrus stop anything. Don’t you listen to her music? She can’t stop. She won’t stop. She owns herself and some other shit I can’t remember from her song. Besides, her teddy bear pornographification isn’t even close yet to what Colombian model Natalia Paris does with hers in videos…

In case you can’t get enough Miley up close and personal, we had a fan send in cell phone pictures right from the front lines of Miley’s VMA performance. Kasey was so close, the intoxicating scent of vinyl and Cyrus labial conditioner was inescapable. Now that sounds fucking glorious.

Of Course Miley Cyrus Is Pleased With Herself

By Travis August 27, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

While everyone from Will and Jaden Smith to your 97-year old grandmother was making fun of Miley Cyrus’ ridiculously stupid and hilariously unsexy performance at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday night, the singer was bragging about Rolling Stone praising her effort and posting pictures of her D-minus ass on Twitter yesterday. The above image had Miley wearing some sort of Michael Jordan tribute, and I assume that she’s squatting because she’s about to take a dump on a backup dancer’s chest.

Miley also boasted that more people Tweeted about her showing off her teenage boy body than about the Super Bowl, and that’s probably because the Super Bowl wasn’t turning half of the men in America gay.