By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 1:18 PM
Miley Cyrus skipped her costume change and hit the stage in her underwear in Milwaukee so she wouldn’t miss her mark for the concert crowd of bellowing below average bell-curvers frothing to hear her dulcet tones.
But, I’m confused. Doesn’t the song not start until you come out to sing it? Or are you suggesting… no, can’t be. Fuck, I so wanted Miley’s music to be as real as her twelve-year old boy’s body. Help me, German ghost of Rob Pilatus.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 5:10 PM
Miley Cyrus is clearly battling an inferior foe in this pop star lesbo sex bitch down. Katy Perry is still playing a cheeky kid’s game while Miley Cyrus is shoving a whole rubber hand up her shiver and calling Katy a dirty mouthed bitch. Katy tried to turn it back into a game with her response:
Nope. A day late and a molded fist dildo too late, Miley is ripping a cork off a bottle of Old Grand-Dad with her teeth while you’re making lemonade spritzers. You don’t get it, Katy Perry. Miley isn’t fooling around. When she gets to England, you’re not going to give her a silly spanking for the cameras. Miley is going to have her furry midgets pin you down on the banks of the Thames while she unlawfully carnally gets to know you. When she’s done, you’ll be wet and dirty and shivering at the foot of Big Ben wondering if even Russell Brand would ever take you back. You opened the can of worms, Katy. Now Miley’s going to close it, with your twat.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 07, 2014 @ 4:07 PM
The world’s lamest girlfight ever continues. No hair pulling or boobs being ripped out of wifebeaters or even high-pitched screeching, as Miley Cyrus told Katy Perry that she better not be talking about which bitch has the dirty mouth.
Oh, snap, or some such shit like that. I’m kind of impressed Miley knew how to make the Twitter tongue emoticon. It’s shows she’s advanced past simple tools and utterances. Her trainers might even start saying, damn, that tomboy belongs in a school, not in a leotard with her rectum so pronounced in the air.
To show how serious she is about people not pre-judging her sexual habits, Miley Tweeted a photo of her new sex toy, a ginormous dildo in the shape of four-fingered hand. They say you’re not a real woman until you go ulna first on your secret garden forays with the Hand of Adonis. I’m not about to start judging what women jam up their lady parts, If I had a vagina, I’d have to use a mirror to see the TV set up my twat during NFL Sundays. If it felt good, it’s getting up in there. Still, I wouldn’t kiss Miley.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Twitter
By colin March 06, 2014 @ 9:48 AM
Katy Perry knows this cheeky sexualized pop star act is just a bit. You do the Kissed a Girl thing and get half naked in your music videos because it sells records. Then you go home and slap on your fat girl sweatpants eat a pound of olive loaf while watching Hoda and Kathie Lee. Miley Cyrus hasn’t unplugged from The Matrix just yet. She believes she’s the tip of the spear of a female sexual revolution like every teen girl does when she moves out of her parents house and starts to get laid. Katy Perry says when she moved in for the staged peck with Miley in concert, the rabid platypus started shoving her tongue down Katy’s throat like she was her biker lady on a conjugal. Katy pulled away in bacteriological horror:
“God knows where that tongue has been. We don’t know, that tongue is so infamous.”
Excellent point, Katy. Though we’re pretty sure it hasn’t been enveloping the dick of one of the most prodigious pussy slayers in Hollywood like yours has. So quit being such a priss and accept Miley’s tongue down your throat and her finger up your twat if she’s choosing to bless you today with feeling like a real woman. You’re her bitch now. That’s Tennessee law. The next time, she won’t be asking for your opinion.
By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 6:34 PM
Decades from now when you’re walking through a dystopian landscape not unlike those visualized in seventeen blockbuster movies a year, don’t forget to tell the young street urchins surviving on old people’s feet jerky where this tide of tragedy all began. An epic communicable disease spread like wildfire from one Bangerz tour stop to the next, through contrived lesbian kisses between Miley Cyrus and some completely random girl in the Las Vegas audience that security knew to let rush the stage. That single cell organism transferred from the gaping maw of Hannah Montana fifty dicks later is right now reproducing at apocalyptic rates inside the breach of this niece of somebody who knew somebody in Miley’s camp. The crowd of Fudgsicle brained adolescents oohing over the girl on girl kiss won’t be so charmed when office towers start spontaneously combusting from the sheer ferocity of flesh eater rampages. The survivors will envy the dead and Wayne Newton will sue Miley for ripping his tired Vegas shtick. Teach that to the young remnants of human kind. Remember your history.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Jack February 27, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
The split between Robin Thicke and Paula Patton began with Miley Cyrus’ dry humping antics. Apparently the trouble with the celebrity love birds began at the now notorious VMA performance in which Miley air humped Robin Thicke on stage. You’ll recall that she stroked herself with a foam finger while rubbing her spastic twat on Robin’s junk. Paula was not having any of that shit and felt humiliated and disrespected by the whole thing. Sources say they got into a huge fight after the show and things never got better after that. As I bravely and journalistically reported from sources I know within the VMAs, Miley and Robin planned the stunt right before going out to catch the MTV people off guard. Apparently Paula was pissed that Robin couldn’t give follow the Nancy Reagan power of ‘no’ when it came to grinding Miley on worldwide television.
It must be hard to watch your husband get dry humped in front of everybody you’ve ever known, but it’s not like he was really boning Miley Cyrus, not like all the other girls he actually was boning. I’m not exactly sure how Paula thought her husband was going to break big without pulling these kinds of stunts. A happy marriage story only gets you so far in rock and roll. Thicke’s whole shtick is acting like a Canadian ladies man, if such a thing even exists. It’s like marrying an NFL linebacker then complaining about the beatings. C’mon, Paula, grow up. Don’t shit on your husband the minute he gets his first taste of big league ball. Give him a friggin’ hot model hall pass for a year and you’ll get another forty years of happy marriage.
Photo credit: Splash News