Miley Cyrus Is Single and Hirsute

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Miley Cyrus Is Single With Hairy Armpits
Maxim’s Hottest Girl in the Universe Since the Dawn of Time stopped shaving her pits to signify that she’s ready for a new mate. Canadian geese do the same as do fetish serial killers. Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger are taking a break from their relationship after Cyrus discovered Schwarzenegger boning other girls and Schwarzenegger discovered boning other girls felt really good. I’d recommend this sort of college kid and this sort of singer girl date other people and stay away from exclusive until they’re mature enough to handle the responsibility. Or until they lose their ability to easily fuck pretty much whoever they want. Options are the death knell of committed relationships.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rue Nails Miley Cyrus for Robbing Black Culture

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

Miley Cyrus Hiking In A Sports Bra
The chick who played Rue, the cute as a button black girl destined to die in a tear jerking scene in the first Hunger Games, created a video criticizing Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and other whiteys for misappropriating black culture:

In 2013, Miley Cyrus twerks and uses black women as props, and then in 2014, in one of her videos called This Is How We Do, Katy Perry uses Ebonics and hand gestures and eats watermelons while wearing cornrows, before cutting inexplicably to a picture of Aretha Franklin. So as you can see, cultural appropriation was rampant.

Rue, teen actress Amanda Sternberg, also notes Kesha, Madonna, and Taylor Swift routinely dress and draw content and visuals straight from typically black culture. But then, so what? If cornrows, grills, gang signs, and twerking gets you mega cash in 2015, of course people are going to steal it for themselves. I’m sure crunchy organic farmers are pissed that mega agri-corps are now labeling their products organic as well by the narrowest of margins, but that’s because that’s what sells on the shelves. If Kesha stuck to white people shit like eating liverwurst sandwiches and fearing sex she’d still be living in her car reeking of urine. Thanks to adopting black culture, only one of those things is true.

The fact that traditionally black cultural elements are super popular among white suburban mall kids should be a good thing. These crackers think hip hop is their ticket to acceptance. The Kardashians will only meld with black men. I understand that’s embarrassing as shit, but frame it as racial progress rather than cultural identify theft and you’ll be a much happier person. They’re still going to make the black characters die first in sci-fi movies. We’re not all the way home yet.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Miley Cyrus and the Willis Sisters Censor Nipples to Protest Nipple Censorship

By Lex April 16, 2015 @ 9:52 AM

Miley Cyrus Scout Willis And Tallulah Willis Free The Nipple 07
Those protestor chicks in Europe flash their tits anytime a woman anywhere in the world is denied an abortion. Here in the U.S., the idle hands celebrities are fighting for the right to bare their nipples. It’s hard to imagine the combined brain power of Miley Cyrus and the two impossibly less employed Willis sisters came up with this as their Plan A. I’d recommend bringing in somebody from the outside to direct the campaign. You can find somebody with a valid high school diploma on Craigslist for not that much, a little more if you want them and their partner Chaz to four hand massage your dick and not murder you in the afterglow. The Free the Nipple campaign stands at the all important fork in the road. I’d gently rub my nipples with that fork. But that’s me, I have trouble making friends.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miley Cyrus Low On Material

By Matt March 26, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

TOOTH

Miley Cyrus made a huge display of getting her teeth pulled on Instagram because she craves attention yet doesn’t have much first run product. She posted her X-Rays followed by several other dental related photos culminating with posting the actual bloody pulled teeth while Maria Shriver shook her head and ordered a hit. I look forward to pap smear day although I’m guessing dentistry is the closest thing she gets to gynecological maintenance . You can tell exactly how annoying someone is by how many hours of work they miss after getting a tooth pulled. Anything over one and they’re a spoiled twat. That includes the drive. We’ve all had some shitty drill time in the dentists chair. You push it deep into your repressed memories next to Great Aunt Sarah teaching you how to slow dance and you move on. This is no way to score drugs or make people like you.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley’s Fans Threaten Every Girl Patrick Schwarzenegger Has Ever Touched

By Lex March 20, 2015 @ 10:47 AM

Mileys Fans Attacks Taylor Burns
Patrick Schwarzenegger doesn’t look much like his dad, maybe if his dad had taken multivitamins and tap classes instead of steroid doping and military presses. Still, you’d best look out for a dude whose dad fucked everything with a heartbeat and a hairnet during his marriage to mom. Earlier this week, the Schwarzenegger kid who is doing ‘some USC’ hit Cabo San Lucas with his fraternity brothers for a break from being young and rich in Los Angeles. They brought along the Kappa Kappa Kappas, because they’re down to fuck. Nobody wanted to say it, but there it is. One of the sorority sisters put her arms around Patrick in photos that became public and sent the army of Miley Cyrus supporters into a fucking frenzy. Miley got wasted and posted something on Instagram akin to her scoliosis illiterate masterwork:

a most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still … & bein thankful. biewty is all around us and we izzzz so lucky to be on dis planet. (I mean seriously wtf are the chances we all meet da onez we love) Feeling supaaaa blisssssed or maybe I’m juzzzz stone.

Yeah, maybe juzzz stone. Scwhwarzenegger had to make bogus apologies to the world and talk about never hurting the beautiful girl he loves. Which I presume is Miley. That one was confusing. It was about this time more photos emerged, as photos do, of Schwarzengger in Cabo getting sunscreened by his ex-girlfriend, Taylor Burns. That is a bit more suspicious. The gloves went off for the various unhealthy teen girls who live through Miley Cyrus who took to social media to call Burns a stinking ugly whore with a pig vagina. I added that last part for emphasis. For his part, Curt Schilling has remained remarkably quiet because Twitter is only horrible when men say nasty shit. In the end, what have we learned? It’s getting a whole lot harder to cheat on your girlfriend then it used to. That’s honestly all I took away from this.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miley Cyrus Speaks Ewok

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

MC

Miley Cyrus is either functionally illiterate or speaks through a Google translator set to Lil’ Wayne’s Baby Mama. She’s trying really hard to be stupid or is just half this stupid and wants the rest to blend in:

“da most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship. yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…. Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still…”

What you’re saying is already annoying without sounding like an offensive slave stereotype from a Jim Crowe era pulp novel. I understand you think it’s cool to mildly irritate people. That’s what the tongue thing is about. And your face. We can’t stands no more. Pull up your pants and attempt to properly articulate your retarded thoughts or you’ll be banished to the WB before your next attempt at being a person goes viral.

Photo Credit: Instagram