By Lex April 01, 2014 @ 2:02 PM
There’s nothing Miley Cyrus will not do to get you to listen to her music. She’s like that kid in high school who wouldn’t stop passing out flyers and homemade samples for his band. Only, imagine that dude topless on a horse and with smaller boobs and you have Miley. If you had already had plans to purchase her remix of Adore You, because, you know, the first auto-tuned mix wasn’t enough, then you can skip right past her bare yabbos and pick up your order. But if you were on the fence, this might just get you into her music. This is very similar to how I first got hooked on Celtic Woman.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus
By Jack March 27, 2014 @ 1:59 PM
A private college in upstate New York is offering a class on Miley Cyrus. Skidmore College, one of the priciest schools in the country, is adding a class on the the leg spreading tone deaf singer this summer. The course will examine society, race, gender, and a bunch of other shit through the lens of Miley Cyrus. The class promises to examine the “ongoing media frenzy focused on Miley Cyrus’ public image, music, and body.” I imagine a class of unshaven lesbian feminists in their summer cargo shorts and Berkenstocks sitting on the quad and discussing the civil rights message in the song Wrecking Ball. Or perhaps they’ll take a break from quoting Indigo Girls songs to discuss Miley’s magical ability to turn into Hannah Montana. I looked it up, at the discounted summer rate, a three credit class still costs $2130. I mean, I studied theater and film in college but those seem like laboratory sciences compared to Miley Cyrus studies. If you’re paying two grand for your kids to attend Twerking 101, maybe you ought consider if you’re over indulging your precious offspring.
By Travis March 20, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Hey everyone, look at Miley Cyrus being nonchalant and edgy again! She wants everyone to see this bruise on her ass, but people are going to lose their shit, y’all, when they realize that her finger is touching her cooch. “Haha, good job on touchin’ yer honey pot,” Billy Ray probably told her as he took the picture and saved it to his special file, while Trish and the rest of the Cyrus clan covered their eyeballs with stacks of cash and pretended like none of this was happening. Maybe next week Miley can post a video of her pointing to a mosq1uito bite that’s been bothering her, and only the really perceptive fans will be able to tell that she has her other fist completely inside of herself.
Photo: Miley Cyrus Instagram
By Travis March 19, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
While we don’t know if Miley Cyrus and her friends were performing this obnoxious rendition of “Baby Got Back” at the very moment that her tour bus was on fire, it is pretty fun to imagine that was the case and she returned to realize that she forgot to let her little people dancers out of their cage. What’s really troubling, though, is how drunk Miley had to be to not know the words to one of the most basic and dumbest songs ever recorded. At least she was composed enough to go with the classic white girl escape plan of shaking her flat ass while everyone around her screamed. Great recovery, Miley. We can’t have people thinking you’re an idiot.
By Travis March 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Miley Cyrus spent the weekend dodging frivolous lawsuits by recording a new single with The Flaming Lips’ frontman Wayne Coyne, and the song in question that she’s loaning her trademark hillbilly twang to is the Beatles’ “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” To really get into the mood and feel the groovy drug vibe of the song, Miley and Wayne got “high as fuck” and Wayne proved it to the world by posting a photo to Instagram of Miley rolling what looks like the loosest, shittiest joint in the history of drugs. There’s really no way that Miley isn’t just an ironic sidekick for other musicians at this point, so when they get together with actual stars at other events, they can imitate her dumb voice, stick their tongues out and laugh about the times that they got Miley so high that she passed out in a strip club dumpster.
By Jack March 14, 2014 @ 1:09 PM
Katy Perry isn’t the only one that thinks that Miley’s tongue is an occupational safety hazard.A worker on an LA construction crew is suing Miley Cyrus because he got hurt by her giant tongue. No, not the disgusting pink slug that she waggles out of her giant-grilled maw like an asphyxiating Jabba the Hutt. She has a giant tongue that she slides down during her burlesque show for children. The worker, Charles Nicholas Sarris, was seriously injured when the rig for setting up the tongue collapsed. He’s lucky he didn’t get gonorrhea from it. You can get that in your throat, you know. Sarris didn’t work directly on the tour but for an LA effects company. Miley’s people will likely pay the guy off and maybe get one of the disgruntled midgets to give him a handy in the back of a Burger King and call it even. Money doesn’t fix everything, but it does ease the pain of giant Miley gonorrhea tongue.
(Photo Via MTV.com)