Miley Cyrus Speaks Ewok

By Matt March 17, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

MC

Miley Cyrus is either functionally illiterate or speaks through a Google translator set to Lil’ Wayne’s Baby Mama. She’s trying really hard to be stupid or is just half this stupid and wants the rest to blend in:

“da most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship. yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…. Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still…”

What you’re saying is already annoying without sounding like an offensive slave stereotype from a Jim Crowe era pulp novel. I understand you think it’s cool to mildly irritate people. That’s what the tongue thing is about. And your face. We can’t stands no more. Pull up your pants and attempt to properly articulate your retarded thoughts or you’ll be banished to the WB before your next attempt at being a person goes viral.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Patrick Schwarenegger Playing the Vagina Field And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Patrick Schwarzenegger might be stepping out on Miley Cyrus. He was spotted getting intimate with some random party chick in Cabo. It’s possible the couple have a hall pass relationship, with Schwarzenegger choosing ‘girls who don’t look like marmosets’ for his catch-all pass.

Check out Patrick’s new lay. (TMZ)

Everyone loves a hot girl in red lipstick. (The Chive)

Metisha Schaefer shows off her thong-covered booty. (Egotastic)

Kate Hudson bikinis in Malibu with Mr. Coldplay. (Huffington Post)

Charlie Riina is covered topless and it is awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kat Torres takes a beach shower in a bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Alba wears a see-through white dress and shows us her bra. (Popoholic)

Miley Cyrus Makes Porn Now And Shit Around The Web

By Jack February 10, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Cum sponge and occasional singer Miley Cyrus has entered her S&M themed video for Tongue Tied to the New York Porn Film Festival.  it’s the final entertainment medium she’s yet to conquer. Like Alexander the Great, with band-aids across his nipples sucking on plastic hot dogs.

Take a look at Miley’s porn contender. (Huffington Post)

Micaela Schaefer sports a couple of Valentine’s Day stickers and nothing else. (Egotastic)

Damn, Vida Guerra has a big ‘ol butt. (TMZ)

Cora Keegan is all kinds of naked for your viewing pleasure. (Drunken Stepfather)

Charlotte McKinney is a topless sexy nurse. I got a pain in my crotch. (Hollywood Tuna)

Miranda Kerr in lingerie is the best thing you’ll see today. (Popoholic)

Shirley Manson calls Kanye West a twat for his Beck stunt. (The Superficial)

Miley Cyrus Topless With Patrick Schwarzenegger

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:23 PM

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I’m not coming to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m coming to praise her. Not her twink body and the excessive tats or how she used black magic to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman in the universe and slit their own throats in the process. Not her music or her stage show or the midgets or inflatable cocks or dead presidents or auto-tune or buck teeth or spastic limbs or hideous levels of corrupting the world’s children into believing self-expression means getting fucked up and sticking out your tongue. Not the drugs or the salvia or the booze or the incessant sexual liberation talk like she’s the first girl to ever discover dick. Not her stage family or the one hit dad or the other siblings and half siblings who live of her teat. Not grinding Schwarzenegger’s kid into believing this is better than boning hot models or flashing her vagina like an ISIS jihadi waves his Kalashnikov in YouTube videos. This is my power. None of that is really praise worthy. But what you can say about Miley Cyrus. She truly does not give a fuck. That is beyond rare in Hollywood. She’s a fucking unicorn. With boy unicorn tits.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

Miley Cyrus Puddle Jumping

By Matt January 20, 2015 @ 6:33 AM

MC

Miley Cyrus posted a photo of herself masturbating or just lifted an image from a random 70′s porno or pantyhose billboard and called it her own. She captioned it with:

“A masturbate a day keeps the doctor away.”

There’s something inherently hot about a buck toothed cherub playing with herself and using improper syntax. Cyrus is one of the few people who masturbates standing up with their clothes on. It almost seems inauthentic, yet I still want to believe. Cyrus may be blowing her load a little too quickly as far as orchestrated sensationalism. This time next year she’ll be shooting golf balls out of her ass while you yawn and open a new tab. Either way, I’m pretty sure she diddles her bean regularly and that party drugs have eaten a hole in her brain. Really drains the serotonin. There’s a way to bring it back up. Lay back and hold your breath.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Nothing to Hide

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 11:35 AM

Miley Cyrus Braless Wearing Marijuana Shirt In LA
Honesty points for Miley Cyrus. Those are about as valuable as Chuck E. Cheese redeemable prize tickets. If you’re super honest for five years straight, you might afford a ten cent plastic squirt gun. Marijuana t-shirt and free commando tits. That’s Miley telling you what Miley is all about. She shouldn’t have to commission a personal song from the HitMaker6000 to explain herself. Just her tits. And weed. And maybe a little Schwarzegger crust. You can live in her world or get the fuck out. That’s only a figurative offer. You’re mostly stuck.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet