Rumors that Miley Cyrus and Dane Cook are dating have turned out to be false with both parties concurring that the other were gross talentless hacks with voices that destroy boners. Cyrus posted some disturbing topless photos of herself to Instagram to confirm. Dane Cook made a joke about the whole situation but nobody noticed except the fatter less popular comedian he stole the joke from.
Miley Cyrus is overachieving. Like Rudy, if everybody agreed they would fuck Rudy if nobody else would ever find out. She can’t sing, but she’s a multi-platinum recording artist. She’s not sexy, but she’s become the go-to girl on sexuality. Her tits wouldn’t make first round cuts as minor league hockey ice girl, but she’s using them to make herself the top searched name on Google. There have been inexplicable one hit wonders before, but nothing that ever had this much staying power.
Cyrus stepped up in a bit with Interview magazine where she Facetimed naughty pictures to a photographer and they called it novel. Kim Kardashian heard what was going on and whipped off her top and got into the mix. I’m pretty sure she was not on-contract, she just instinctively knows when this shit is going down. There are more famous chicks involved in this magazine spread, but only Cyrus flashed her titties. She’s throwing off the entire natural order of pretty girls finishing first. Soon, gazelles will be consuming lions and the NBA will be dominated by white guys with Arcade Fire walk-up music. Chaos serves nobody. There have to be a couple open bunks at Guantanamo. I’ll start the Change.org petition.
Nothing says pay no attention to the crappy music in the background like taped up, strung up, and largely revealed tits. Stop looking at my cold sores. Have you seen my tits? Last nights VMAs set a new record for tits. Singers showed off their tits. Actresses showed off their tits. Whatever Chrissy Teigen is showed off her tits. Britney Spears tits were so dominant hardly anybody noticed Kuato emerging from her knees. Who dies next on MTV? Nobody with tits if everything is running smoothly.
Miley Cyrus takes a lot of shit for being a sexually fluid marmoset with giant teeth that won’t shut the fuck up. But Cyrus understand the fundamentals of her business more than most. She dissects personality versus singer and why she isn’t covering her hick family of twenty-nine off the latter. Her trashy behavior is what Malcolm Forbes would be doing if he were alive today. Same outfits too. She doesn’t grind away on Robin Thicke’s shiny vest cock at the MTV VMAs and become the single most searched name on Google by happenstance. Tonight she ‘accidentally’ flashed her full titty on national TV to millions of kids for whom lady nipples kill worse than peanuts. There’s a hundred million dollars worth of reasons why. She’s gaming the system like a fucking champ. Do you want Anne Hathaway hosting your fucking awards show or Miley Cyrus? Bring on the crazy circus freak. I want my MTV.
I am literally open to every single thing that is consenting and doesn’t involve an animal and everyone is of age. Everything that’s legal, I’m down with. Yo, I’m down with any adult — anyone over the age of 18 who is down to love me. I don’t relate to being boy or girl, and I don’t have to have my partner relate to boy or girl.
She sounds like a serial rapist who had her public statement reviewed first by her team of attorneys. Anybody above 18 that doesn’t involve animals leaves open a lot of shit some outside the Caligula party might find distasteful. But something I’ll keep in mind when your uncle is pounding your ass with items from the Hickory Farms Orchard’s Bounty gift basket and I don’t call the cops. I’m not sure if magazine reporters keep asking Cyrus these questions just to get something quotable or if Cyrus insists on bringing it up. We should probably get gag orders against them both. Pansexuality seems complicated. Miley must be really smart.