By Lex July 13, 2015 @ 9:44 AM
Bruce Jenner spent sixty years planning his coming out dress. It’s not so easy with twenty-something Hollywood girls suddenly hearing voices from Jesus and their publicists that they’re lesbians. Do I go full on Cholo pants and flannels? Wife beater and Norm from This Old House construction belts? If Beverly Hills was ever begging for a new store, it’d be a trendy designer shop for celebrities to go Sapphic chic without fully committing to dyke. Gina Gershon, open this shit up.
Miley Cyrus and her erstwhile lesbian lingerie model girlfriend hit L.A. over the weekend looking like total newbies. Kristen Stewart had a leg up on the reverse drag by mentoring under a real butch personal assistant slash girlfriend. These two knuckleheads look like they pulled out a 1970′s View Master wheel on the Lesbian Culture in Some American Cities and started copying. I get it. There are no genders or restrictions on who can love who. Now, release the rubber toy vag-on-vag sex tapes or I call bullshit. If you’re not fucking, you’re just playing dress up.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Matt July 13, 2015 @ 7:44 AM
You can’t help but wonder how people select their trademarks. It’s not as if you take an extended vacation and decide this is my thing now. At least you shouldn’t, it will be obvious like when Pauly Shore decided to say buddy while stuttering. That was a shitty focus group. Rick Flair just said whooo! while high on painkillers. That has staying power. Miley Cyrus likes to stick out her tongue. That was cute when you were nine. I think you need a new thing. Going gay is now a fashion statement and although the tongue thing is menacing to a degree it’s also superbly lame. Stick it in your pretend girlfriend’s twat and we can talk. Until then it just appears you lack creativity. Maybe instead of posing with a trophy on paper girlfriend you should attempt to write a song for the first time in your life. Mix it up. Spread those labia for the camera like a fruit bat, it will be kitschy and ironic. Just spitballing. Stop what you’re doing it’s just irritating the few people who notice. If your kids end up acting like this move to Cape Cod. You got one chance and you failed.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 10, 2015 @ 12:36 PM
In no way related to the fact that Miley Cyrus agreed to be part of his upcoming Netflix special, Bill Murray backed Miley Cyrus at Comic-Con from all hurtful comments she couldn’t give a shit about when naked, stoned, and stabbed by gender neutral cock.
I’m gonna say this officially: Miley Cyrus is good. I was not particularly convinced. Miley Cyrus is really fuckin’ good. She can really sing, I just thought she was a knucklehead crazy girl, the kind of girl you want to go on a road trip with who didn’t have ID or something, but she can really sing. So I don’t want to hear any more bad rapping on Miley Cyrus, OK?
Consider that case closed. It’s sad that Murray isn’t even getting a sloppy fingering out of this. It’s hard to watch guys deescalate their demands as they age. SNL alums need to be taken to Logan Run’s Carrousel no later than 35. Speedballs and poor diet just isn’t enough for everybody. My morning cocktail tastes funny. Why are my palms getting sweaty. I’m coming John and Chris and Phil and Gilda and black chick whose name I can’t recall. Check out my retrospectives on AMC. Murray out.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 02, 2015 @ 8:59 AM
There’s a lesson to be learned here. Women can have it all these days. Money, cock, pussy. the good weed, social media likes. Miley Cyrus just announced she’s bisexual as part of her movement to join every edgy progressive label possible with only upsides and no work. She’s already making out with a Victoria’s Secret model outside her trailer on music video shoots. I don’t know what to say. I’d rather fuck Stella Maxwell than Patrick Schwarzenegger as well. I don’t need to spend any more time in the 24 Hour Fitness Men’s Locker Room to know that I decidedly prefer the sight and smell of women. Miley, we should hang out. Shot for shot on some Old Grand-Dad and hook up with some JuCo chicks who don’t know any better. if we strike out, we could fuck each other. I mention that out of convenience. I’m super angry at my parents too.
By Lex July 01, 2015 @ 12:16 PM
At this point, Miley Cyrus just won’t stop showing off her tits. This is a real dilemma. Who here has experience here telling a 22-year old chick to put her top back on? It’s unnatural. Like asking the bartender to under-pour your drinks. Or begging Hillary Clinton for longer stump speeches. If Cyrus really cared she’d dare her better looking friends to match her bravado. Quit hiding behind your intriguing garden themes, Cyrus. This world needs healing.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex June 30, 2015 @ 9:26 AM
Miley Cyrus has committed herself to tearing down the subjugating two gender system that mistreats and misunderstands teenagers that want to be girls somedays and boys the other. Miley has been touring the nation taking photographs of up to three of these teens in various states of cross-dressing discussing what it means to be ‘gender expansive’. If you weren’t certain this was a huge problem before following Miley’s #InstaPride project, you won’t be certain after either. For her part, Miley has committed to show off her tits and her underarm hair in uncomfortable photographs until school P.E. teachers are no longer defined by boys coach or girls coach and girls are getting their vaginas injured badly during dodgeball. Sit tight, America. This will all be over shortly.
Photo Credit: Paper Magazine