Miley Cyrus Puddle Jumping

By Matt January 20, 2015 @ 6:33 AM


Miley Cyrus posted a photo of herself masturbating or just lifted an image from a random 70′s porno or pantyhose billboard and called it her own. She captioned it with:

“A masturbate a day keeps the doctor away.”

There’s something inherently hot about a buck toothed cherub playing with herself and using improper syntax. Cyrus is one of the few people who masturbates standing up with their clothes on. It almost seems inauthentic, yet I still want to believe. Cyrus may be blowing her load a little too quickly as far as orchestrated sensationalism. This time next year she’ll be shooting golf balls out of her ass while you yawn and open a new tab. Either way, I’m pretty sure she diddles her bean regularly and that party drugs have eaten a hole in her brain. Really drains the serotonin. There’s a way to bring it back up. Lay back and hold your breath.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Nothing to Hide

By Lex January 15, 2015 @ 11:35 AM

Miley Cyrus Braless Wearing Marijuana Shirt In LA
Honesty points for Miley Cyrus. Those are about as valuable as Chuck E. Cheese redeemable prize tickets. If you’re super honest for five years straight, you might afford a ten cent plastic squirt gun. Marijuana t-shirt and free commando tits. That’s Miley telling you what Miley is all about. She shouldn’t have to commission a personal song from the HitMaker6000 to explain herself. Just her tits. And weed. And maybe a little Schwarzegger crust. You can live in her world or get the fuck out. That’s only a figurative offer. You’re mostly stuck.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Miley Cyrus Topless Bangers

By Lex January 13, 2015 @ 2:18 PM

Miley Cyrus Bangers Photos For V Mag
Remember when everybody criticized Miley Cyrus for her raunchy shlock filled Bangers tour then she said, oh, boy, that really hurts, I just got wasted for a year and earned $100 million so suck the dick I’m going grow just to be infliential. V Magazine, a magazine so edgy themselves they could contain the edginess of Miley Cyrus, is releasing photos from the lowest dude on the totem pole they sent along with Miley on tour to take out of focus snapshots. It’s possible he actually though they were in focus, but through the lens of Grey Goose and Adderall snorts. Is this just some cycnical attempt to show off Miley’s tits again. Fuck you, it’s free.

Photo Credit: V Magazine

Miley Cyrus Fresh Out Of Ideas

By Matt January 07, 2015 @ 6:06 AM


Miley Cyrus thought she’d share some photos of her nose dripping blood. Madonna had some desperate cries for attention which were often lucratively rewarded. You should have given her a consultation call because real blood is not a winner. Dumb people only like edgy shit to a certain degree. You go past boobs and bongs in your selfies, the general public gets weirded out and retreats into their cave where Jay Leno interviews a literal Blow Pop. You’re not going to be in the rotation anymore with this poorly thought out shit. You’re their audience. I hope it’s real.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Meets the Parent

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 6:28 AM

Best Of 2014 Miley Cyrus The Year Of Drugs
There comes a time in every Schwarzenegger boy’s life when he brings home the girl he’s fucking to remind dad that he’s not gay, that’s the other son who sides with mom. Arnold was exceedingly gracious and even wore his less obvious weave to meet Miley Cyrus and his son Patrick for breakfast in Ketchum, Idaho. As per Schwarzenegger custom, dad plunged two fingers into Miley’s vagina to determine her compatibility with his son. It’s like eHarmony, but with much less intrusive questions. Arnold tasted his moistened digits and pronounced the relationship sound. Wunderbar. Everybody had toast and pretended Maria would ever accept this.

Photo Credit: Archives

Schwarzenegger’s Kid Promotes His Biz Well

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 7:38 AM


Patrick Schwarzenegger has been pounding Miley Cyrus for a while pro bono. At this point it makes sense to strap a billboard on her. Schwarz’s goblin headed mom has invested in an up and coming pizza chain called Blaze. This means he’s either snagging some of that money or just promoting it non stop so the shadow ops don’t have him disappeared. This chick is stoned enough she doesn’t know what she’s wearing. Tell her it’s Marc Jacobs or fucking Gallagher who smashes watermelons. Who cares. It’s also highly possible she’s just wearing the dunce hat and they’re all dividing the money in stacks near the pier. Regardless if you like Subway sandwiches but crave trans-fat definitely take Miley’s cue and check this place out. You’ll eat anything when you’re blazed as fuck.

Photo Credit: Instagram