Miley Cyrus wore a thong to help her friend Zoe Kravitz sell records. She’s also helping gay teen runaways because Miley infers she too has dabbled in the lesbian arts, though it’s not clear if this was with lesbian teen runaways. They probably don’t complain a lot and if they do, well, there simply aren’t many questions asked when they go missing. Cyrus is going to write a bunch of inspiring songs about love and acceptance that these teens can listen to while turning tricks in the park. You may recall last year Miley befriended an out of work male model from Oregon who was homeless because he was too embarrassed to tell everyone back home he hadn’t book any paying gigs. Also, he was running from a warrant. Those kinds of stories are moving. And one reason Miley died her armpit hair pink:
“The pink pits are saying, ‘Don’t tell me what to do. It’s back to what I’m preaching in a way, you know, telling these kids. I’m not just saying you be yourself and I’m going to go be Miley Cyrus. I’m saying I’m going to be my fucking self, too.”
I’m sure that makes more sense when you’re super fucking high. Sometimes it’s enough just to want to make a difference. At least I hope so.
Sarah Jessica Parker snuck onto the red carpet of the Met Gala screaming, I used to be one of you! Police tranquilized her more than she already was, boxed her, and FedExed her to Estonia where Square Pegs is the top rated show on television. Everyone agreed that Parker was insane and promised to attend a fundraiser for the twins she bought a few years back. Nude was in this year for gowns. Also, Kendall Jenner showed off her tits, which she has affirmed is the best way for people to like her. All the girls complimented each other on their prettiness even as they lamented the fact they only make 947% of their male counterparts. Wait for the HBO documentaries and you’ll see just how hard life is for the wealthy and good looking.
Miley Cyrus posted a series of photos documenting the process of having her armpit hair dyed pink so she’d look cute at the local Planned Parenthood and needle exchange where you can order off both menus. When I ignore my little nephew for hours on end during football season he sometimes spreads apple sauce and peanut butter all over his face and shits himself. Cyrus is on a diet but she’s not above such tactics. She was joined by her gay friend Justin Anderson who had the day off from acting as a government plant in the occupy movement.
I’m not sure what this signifies but Cyrus is clearly out of attention getting ideas and is moving downwards on her body as though utilizing the slash and burn technique. The hair on her head is all fucked up and she has a lot of tats on her arms. Now she’s got pink armpits, and she’s big into putting props on her tits. Next she’ll probably install a hamster wheel on her navel and then we’ll move onto the inevitable pornographic phase of her career where she torches her bush and starts smashing watermelons with her clitoris. As she nears thirty she’ll start weaving her anus hair and then delve head first into the foot fetish world. It sounds strange now but we’ll be looking back on these days wistfully. Go to bed and try not to dream.
It’s easy to mock Miley Cyrus, it’s tougher to applaud her for being the rare celebrity who shows off her tits and truly does not give a fuck. It’s like Katherine Heigl if Katherine Heigl were way less attractive and really fun instead of the exact opposite. That’s a horrible example. Miley let some magazine photographer follow her around with an all-access camera. He got as far as her duodenum with his laparoscope before she called out her safe word and the photographer was thrown out of the Wonka factory with his hand clenched tightly around a memory stick that smelled like Goobers. These are our everyday heroes.
Miley Cyrus is beginning to look like that fun younger aunt you hear your parents whispering about needing an intervention. The one who brings over new boyfriends every time she visits and makes out with them on the couch before chain smoking on the back stoop. Early professional success is a real fucking bugaboo. Barely making rent is a tether line to not doing incredibly stupid shit all the time. Having to work to get laid is another. Black street kids in Baltimore think they’ve got problems. Try being a rich white girl in Hollywood. You have no idea what angst feels like.
Prodigious pussy hound Cara Delevingne inserts herself into the arms of rebounding celebrity chicks lighting style quick. She’s got some hidden network of pneumatic tubes built under the earth’s mantle that can deliver her talented fingers anywhere in the world in eleven seconds. Elon Musk is still thirty years from this same technology. Pop. Out come the eyebrows just in time to console Miley Cyrus who was getting loaded and making out with her friends. To Catch a Predator stuffed animal. Check. Lesbian rings of power. Check. Pull Miley close to your bosom and work up some tears. There’s celebrity snatch to be had. No man on the planet has this game.