By Matt September 08, 2014 @ 6:04 AM
Miley Cyrus went to an Alexander Wang after party at Fashion Week with ice cream cone pasties taped to her little nubs. Cyrus added to the ensemble some goofy glasses and weed leaf earrings, because unlike the rest of society she continued thinking prop closets were amazing past the single digit years. I bet she still loves that trunk full of surprises that the dentist lets you pick from when you behave super well while getting fake giant cartoon teeth. Miley showed off a horrid infected looking rash on her neck and chest as part of the social statement. It could have been ebola if Miley were more interesting and contemporary. But it was probably just mange from her pet cat. I think Miley needs to find a new way to be provocative, like self-immolation or trying to stop a derailed train with those teeth. I never thought I’d ever say this, but, put your clothes back on woman. For the love of St. Christopher, the patron saint of boner kills.
Photo Credit: Instagram, AKM-GSI
By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 6:24 AM
World’s preeminent social satirist Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram picture of herself with a huge fat ass that looks like Nicki Minaj. Miley included the lyric “Ass so fat need a lap dance.” Minaj responded by reposting the photo with the weirdly punctuated caption “No chill ZONE!!!” The two pop stars became exhausted after trading monosyllabic barbs and retired to their respective solariums for salvia bong rips and tuna sandwiches.
Cyrus has altered Minaj’s album covers in the past, presumably due to insecurities about her cub scout physique, in contrast to Minaj who has the frame of a fuck toy designed by Asian comp-sci nerds. A staged rivalry is always a good way for artists to garner publicity, especially when they have nothing of interest to say. It’s how Lincoln and Douglas would have settled things had they both been really short and mildly retarded. I tend to prefer the Suge Knight beefs that result in one less rapper with a stupid name walking the earth. Every now and then we lose a real talent, but it’s worth it when they come back as even more awesome holograms.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 12:36 PM
Miley Cyrus is doubling down on support for the handsome homeless dude she let take her mic time at the VMA’s to discuss the plight of young people living in city shelters. Yesterday we learned that Jesse Helt had a warrant out for his arrest for something minor he skipped out on back in Oregon. Today, that he was living in a park in Los Angeles because he was having trouble getting modeling gigs in Hollywood and he was too proud to go back to Oregon and live with his parents. That’s actually kind of admirable.
He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else. It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another. — Helt’s mom on her son, the unemployed male model
Gee, thanks mom for blowing a perfectly good handsome young white man lives in a bush story. Good looking 20-somethings really are the most misunderstood of the besieged classes.
Instead of just admitting that she and her handlers should have vetted their woe-monkey more before giving him the VMA stage and crying like you were eleven again and just losing your virginity to a Disney casting agent, Miley went on the attack . She Tweeted whole bunch of self-righteous jabs at people who live in houses and don’t feel sorry for failed Hollywood models living in the jacaranda:
Instead of putting young Richard Gere onstage, you should’ve had him pretend bang you in your next music video. He’d be famous and turning down jobs. You wouldn’t look like the spoiled girl who just learned that not everybody lives in large houses with slides that lead to the game room. Where the hell is Tish? She knows this crap.
Photo credit: MTV VMAs
By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 7:14 AM
Miley Cyrus’ attempt to redeem her coked up clit grinding at last year’s VMA’s fell flat when she had a homeless guy accept her Music Video award while she sat in the front row and mugged tearfully. I am not sure how much money someone has to pay you to utter these words but you would be better off blowing old men in bathroom stalls if you wanted to preserve your dignity:
“If you want to make positive change in the world right now, join us and go to Miley’s Facebook page.”
The homeless guy’s name is Jessie Holt and he took the opportunity to go into his hard luck story, which is clearly devoid of any responsibility on his part:
“I’ve survived in shelters all over the city. I’ve cleaned your hotel rooms, I’ve been an extra in your movies. I’ve been an extra in your life.”
Wait, are you an unfortunate homeless man or an out of work actor who was too good for restaurant service jobs? It turns out Holt has a warrant for his arrest in Oregon for breaking into an apartment. So apart from being a martyr serving society’s underbelly by doing the necessary things you don’t notice, Holt is also the guy who steals shit out of you car when you leave the doors unlocked. He has peered through your window at night to see if anyone is home. He has jacked your credit card when you left it in the Friday’s booth and taken it immediately to Best Buy to snake some cool Beats by Dre. Whenever people go out of their way to seem like heroes it’s a pretty solid indication they are self-serving assholes. That goes for both of them.
By Matt August 14, 2014 @ 9:38 AM
Miley Cyrus posted a photo to her Instagram with acne medication applied to her lip and titled it ‘Zitcream Mustache.’ Cyrus really knows how to go against the grain. She became a sex symbol who looks like the dude who played the single snare drum in your high school marching band and now this. Pretty soon she will be wearing Converse All Stars that are two different colors. She might even unscrew the top of the salt shaker when she visits a restaurant. The zit cream is keeping with the trend of being super zany and down to earth. Female fans like the schtick because they are pre-pubescent and threatened by anyone who is potty trained, let alone makes an effort to act adult like. Her male followers think she’s hilarious because they have never fucked anything or had to deal with a chick who does Bacardi shots and pukes Taco Bell all over your coffee table. She is truly off the wall and I can’t wait until she reaches maturity to giggle incessantly at her used tampon and bruised anus pics.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 11, 2014 @ 12:55 PM
Miley Cyrus is flooding Instagram with pictures of her new pet pig Bubba Sue, because most people have never seen a pig suckled a human teat and find the novelty endlessly hilarious. Cyrus has found that taking topless photos or parading cute animals around is a preferable means of self promotion than having to say something stupid about the Gaza conflict. Although she could mention people hate pigs there I suppose. Like many of her peers, Cyrus is involved with PETA, because it makes you seem compassionate when you mention cruelty to circus elephants over prime rib at BOA. Pet pigs are super cut until they shit on the floor then start rolling around in it because it feels cool against their skin. I can understand Miley’s affinity for such habits, but she needs to remind herself that tossing about in her own feces might cost her some endorsement deals. Also, it’s what killed two of her uncles.
Photo Credit: Instagram