Miley Cyrus posed naked with her pet pig on the cover of Paper Magazine. You might remember Paper from photoshopping Kim Kardashian’s implanted ass on it’s cover and then claiming it broke the Internet even though the Internet still worked fine and as proof several people remarked how she looked fat on Twitter. The issue is titled Use Your Voice and will focus on Cyrus’ humanitarian efforts including her Happy Hippy Foundation which aims to help homeless youth and provide blow jobs for struggling rappers. It seems Cyrus is out and about often so I don’t understand how she has time to care for a pet pig. Cut to her Guatemalan housekeeper snow shoveling shit off a marble floor every quarter hour. Cyrus may not know what’s best for this pig. It’s a filthy animal. The pig is pretty gross too. I’m sure there’s foundation aimed as rescuing animals from being cooped up in a drug den in the Valley. Unfortunately I highly doubt any of their supporters are cover material. Look for her twat to appear in next month’s Penny Saver. Do you smell bacon?
There are two kinds of people who just don’t give a shit what others think about them: assholes and heroes. At some point, Tom Cruise told people, I’m short, I’ve got an ungainly nose, and I spend hours secretly sketching Asian boys in track suits wrestling in underground clubs. I don’t give a shit what you think, I’m going to become a movie star. He’s a hero. Wait, no, asshole. This shit is confusing. Miley Cyrus stopped caring what people think about her somewhere around age eighteen and fifty million in the bank. Also when she discovered both her parents were fucking other people not her parents. That will grow you up fast. She’s not driving drunk or clogging up the court system with stupid acting out shit. If she needs to sing crappy party songs and smoke blunts and show you her tits, fuck, hero.
A social media thumbs up from Miley Cyrus alone can get a TV show renewed. The AARP comedy Grace and Frankie starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as two golden girls striking out together after their husbands run off with each other got approved for a second season seconds after Miley Cyrus got super baked and tweeted the show was crazy good. Through the magic of sharing her nipples on Instagram and the tens of millions of people who stay tuned to her y’all shoutouts, Miley now has the power to tank or greenlight a series. This only seems shitty when compared to the nerd revolts that have previously brought back shows like Community or Arrested Development to dot coms based on Irkutsk.
TV executives have forever lacked sac when it comes to making programming decisions. Supposing that a late night social media plug from a demographic that will never watch their show is reason to move forward with a series is par for the course. None of this should matter until the FCC takes control of the digital broadband and our two viewing options become West Wing re-runs and the Ellen Show. Senators talking about the antisocial statements in Game of Thrones are only step one in the future neutering. When tits are deemed against the public interest, you’ll have about six months left to record the shit out of your favorite shows and store them in your bunker. Look to the Southern Skies. A lot more Grace and Frankie is coming.
Miley Cyrus wore a thong to help her friend Zoe Kravitz sell records. She’s also helping gay teen runaways because Miley infers she too has dabbled in the lesbian arts, though it’s not clear if this was with lesbian teen runaways. They probably don’t complain a lot and if they do, well, there simply aren’t many questions asked when they go missing. Cyrus is going to write a bunch of inspiring songs about love and acceptance that these teens can listen to while turning tricks in the park. You may recall last year Miley befriended an out of work male model from Oregon who was homeless because he was too embarrassed to tell everyone back home he hadn’t book any paying gigs. Also, he was running from a warrant. Those kinds of stories are moving. And one reason Miley died her armpit hair pink:
“The pink pits are saying, ‘Don’t tell me what to do. It’s back to what I’m preaching in a way, you know, telling these kids. I’m not just saying you be yourself and I’m going to go be Miley Cyrus. I’m saying I’m going to be my fucking self, too.”
I’m sure that makes more sense when you’re super fucking high. Sometimes it’s enough just to want to make a difference. At least I hope so.
Sarah Jessica Parker snuck onto the red carpet of the Met Gala screaming, I used to be one of you! Police tranquilized her more than she already was, boxed her, and FedExed her to Estonia where Square Pegs is the top rated show on television. Everyone agreed that Parker was insane and promised to attend a fundraiser for the twins she bought a few years back. Nude was in this year for gowns. Also, Kendall Jenner showed off her tits, which she has affirmed is the best way for people to like her. All the girls complimented each other on their prettiness even as they lamented the fact they only make 947% of their male counterparts. Wait for the HBO documentaries and you’ll see just how hard life is for the wealthy and good looking.