By Lex June 24, 2015 @ 10:44 AM
This is the woman now horking your blank canvas Victoria’s Secret supermodels. There seems little point in going on as a man. You could blame Maxim magazine in their death spiral for naming Miley Cyrus the hottest woman in the known universe. Or just blame the progressive thinking of gender fluidity and experimentation of our millennial semi-employed. The fact remains, you’re fucked. You’ve reached the end of the rainbow and found Miley Cyrus going down on your pot of gold. Enjoy your Porsche and epic home theater. Things like this never get better.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Paper Magazine
By Matt June 22, 2015 @ 6:19 AM
Miley Cyrus’ friend whom she enlists to leak information which nobody cares about have apparently confirmed she and Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell are a couple. This is according to the New York Daily News who earlier this year reported she was fucking Bigfoot. Sometimes you get lucky:
“They hold hands and hug and are very comfortable together. They’re definitely together.”
It’s interesting how sources always confirm the premise of your bullshit story without offering anything specific which you couldn’t have told yourself while wearing a wig. Regardless, Cyrus has definitely heard that licking twat is the hottest summer craze next to culottes and is daring people to call her a lesbian so she can say she doesn’t like to place labels on her sexuality or even various species for that matter. Who’s to say this is a rodent? It’s a child of God. This habit is also known as being uneducated and lacking a clear grasp of the language.
This will pass and she’ll soon get to brag about her ‘experimental phase’ over crocodile tears at the GLAAD Awards for some guy in a dress who finally had the courage to give The AIDS to his parents. In relationships there’s typically an inverse relationship between who has more money and who’s more attractive. Fuck it. Gain some weight and grow another beard.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 17, 2015 @ 10:00 AM
Your daughter’s growing out her armpit hair and dating the Geek Squad tranny who came to fix her cable modem, but you know better, don’t you, mom?. Social progress memes come and go. A bleached blond MILF’s nipples have been attracting attention since the dawn of time. Who’s that fool to your right trying to sell the goatee as a plan? Miley got The AIDS award, but you won the evening. New titties at forty-eight is the dagger.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex June 17, 2015 @ 9:14 AM
Miley Cyrus advanced the ball on LGBTQ acceptance by bringing somebody she called ‘agender’ as her date to The AIDS prom in New York. Agender is the new term for what used to be called gender neutral or gender ambiguous or just kid who got his ass kicked regularly on the playground. According to Miley Cyrus who is working hard to rid this world of labels:
Tyler [Ford[ is a queer, biracial, agender person, whose pronouns are they/them/theirs.
Being agender sounds really hectic. It also just seems like the skinny Pinoy kid from the high school A/V club in a dress. I’m not one to judge, but you could try a little harder to make us guess your gender if you’re claiming no gender. Bruce Jenner was waxing before and after his vehicular manslaughter. At what point do the bulk of gay men step forward and announce that just because they fall in love with other dudes doesn’t mean they don’t love football and traditional pronouns? Gender fluidity was more relatable when we just called it self-indulgence.
Photo credit: FameFlynet
By Lex June 11, 2015 @ 11:13 AM
Miley Cyrus has declared in her latest insipid interview for Paper Magazine that she’s always been openly bisexual. By open she means that nobody among the millions of people who follow her publicly have ever seen or heard evidence of such. But believe it’s true. She’s had many love affairs with women you can’t find on Google and even came out to her mom at fourteen:
[Miley] recalls confessing to her mother, at age 14, that she had romantic feelings toward women. “I remember telling her I admire women in a different way. And she asked me what that meant. And I said, I love them. I love them like I love boys,” she says. “And it was so hard for her to understand. She didn’t want me to be judged and she didn’t want me to go to hell. But she believes in me more than she believes in any god. I just asked for her to accept me. And she has.
Fuck, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. If you were penning the seventy five new after school specials in the works about coming out to your parents, you couldn’t do a better story than that. I wonder if mom recalls it after being told to confirm it if anybody asks. Cyrus also threw in the fact that she considers her gender to be ‘fluid’ and doesn’t like constricting labels because they only serve to hurt. You have to miss the days when chicks in Hollywood just rooted for the commies. Times were simpler. Chomping on a dick was still optional. For men at least.
Photo credit: Paper Magazine
By Matt June 09, 2015 @ 8:11 AM
Miley Cyrus posed naked with her pet pig on the cover of Paper Magazine. You might remember Paper from photoshopping Kim Kardashian’s implanted ass on it’s cover and then claiming it broke the Internet even though the Internet still worked fine and as proof several people remarked how she looked fat on Twitter. The issue is titled Use Your Voice and will focus on Cyrus’ humanitarian efforts including her Happy Hippy Foundation which aims to help homeless youth and provide blow jobs for struggling rappers. It seems Cyrus is out and about often so I don’t understand how she has time to care for a pet pig. Cut to her Guatemalan housekeeper snow shoveling shit off a marble floor every quarter hour. Cyrus may not know what’s best for this pig. It’s a filthy animal. The pig is pretty gross too. I’m sure there’s foundation aimed as rescuing animals from being cooped up in a drug den in the Valley. Unfortunately I highly doubt any of their supporters are cover material. Look for her twat to appear in next month’s Penny Saver. Do you smell bacon?
Photo Credit: Paper Magazine