A social media thumbs up from Miley Cyrus alone can get a TV show renewed. The AARP comedy Grace and Frankie starring Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as two golden girls striking out together after their husbands run off with each other got approved for a second season seconds after Miley Cyrus got super baked and tweeted the show was crazy good. Through the magic of sharing her nipples on Instagram and the tens of millions of people who stay tuned to her y’all shoutouts, Miley now has the power to tank or greenlight a series. This only seems shitty when compared to the nerd revolts that have previously brought back shows like Community or Arrested Development to dot coms based on Irkutsk.
TV executives have forever lacked sac when it comes to making programming decisions. Supposing that a late night social media plug from a demographic that will never watch their show is reason to move forward with a series is par for the course. None of this should matter until the FCC takes control of the digital broadband and our two viewing options become West Wing re-runs and the Ellen Show. Senators talking about the antisocial statements in Game of Thrones are only step one in the future neutering. When tits are deemed against the public interest, you’ll have about six months left to record the shit out of your favorite shows and store them in your bunker. Look to the Southern Skies. A lot more Grace and Frankie is coming.
Miley Cyrus wore a thong to help her friend Zoe Kravitz sell records. She’s also helping gay teen runaways because Miley infers she too has dabbled in the lesbian arts, though it’s not clear if this was with lesbian teen runaways. They probably don’t complain a lot and if they do, well, there simply aren’t many questions asked when they go missing. Cyrus is going to write a bunch of inspiring songs about love and acceptance that these teens can listen to while turning tricks in the park. You may recall last year Miley befriended an out of work male model from Oregon who was homeless because he was too embarrassed to tell everyone back home he hadn’t book any paying gigs. Also, he was running from a warrant. Those kinds of stories are moving. And one reason Miley died her armpit hair pink:
“The pink pits are saying, ‘Don’t tell me what to do. It’s back to what I’m preaching in a way, you know, telling these kids. I’m not just saying you be yourself and I’m going to go be Miley Cyrus. I’m saying I’m going to be my fucking self, too.”
I’m sure that makes more sense when you’re super fucking high. Sometimes it’s enough just to want to make a difference. At least I hope so.
Sarah Jessica Parker snuck onto the red carpet of the Met Gala screaming, I used to be one of you! Police tranquilized her more than she already was, boxed her, and FedExed her to Estonia where Square Pegs is the top rated show on television. Everyone agreed that Parker was insane and promised to attend a fundraiser for the twins she bought a few years back. Nude was in this year for gowns. Also, Kendall Jenner showed off her tits, which she has affirmed is the best way for people to like her. All the girls complimented each other on their prettiness even as they lamented the fact they only make 947% of their male counterparts. Wait for the HBO documentaries and you’ll see just how hard life is for the wealthy and good looking.
Miley Cyrus posted a series of photos documenting the process of having her armpit hair dyed pink so she’d look cute at the local Planned Parenthood and needle exchange where you can order off both menus. When I ignore my little nephew for hours on end during football season he sometimes spreads apple sauce and peanut butter all over his face and shits himself. Cyrus is on a diet but she’s not above such tactics. She was joined by her gay friend Justin Anderson who had the day off from acting as a government plant in the occupy movement.
I’m not sure what this signifies but Cyrus is clearly out of attention getting ideas and is moving downwards on her body as though utilizing the slash and burn technique. The hair on her head is all fucked up and she has a lot of tats on her arms. Now she’s got pink armpits, and she’s big into putting props on her tits. Next she’ll probably install a hamster wheel on her navel and then we’ll move onto the inevitable pornographic phase of her career where she torches her bush and starts smashing watermelons with her clitoris. As she nears thirty she’ll start weaving her anus hair and then delve head first into the foot fetish world. It sounds strange now but we’ll be looking back on these days wistfully. Go to bed and try not to dream.
It’s easy to mock Miley Cyrus, it’s tougher to applaud her for being the rare celebrity who shows off her tits and truly does not give a fuck. It’s like Katherine Heigl if Katherine Heigl were way less attractive and really fun instead of the exact opposite. That’s a horrible example. Miley let some magazine photographer follow her around with an all-access camera. He got as far as her duodenum with his laparoscope before she called out her safe word and the photographer was thrown out of the Wonka factory with his hand clenched tightly around a memory stick that smelled like Goobers. These are our everyday heroes.