Miley Cyrus Enough Already

By Matt May 04, 2015 @ 6:47 AM

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Miley Cyrus posted a series of photos documenting the process of having her armpit hair dyed pink so she’d look cute at the local Planned Parenthood and needle exchange where you can order off both menus. When I ignore my little nephew for hours on end during football season he sometimes spreads apple sauce and peanut butter all over his face and shits himself. Cyrus is on a diet but she’s not above such tactics. She was joined by her gay friend Justin Anderson who had the day off from acting as a government plant in the occupy movement.

I’m not sure what this signifies but Cyrus is clearly out of attention getting ideas and is moving downwards on her body as though utilizing the slash and burn technique. The hair on her head is all fucked up and she has a lot of tats on her arms. Now she’s got pink armpits, and she’s big into putting props on her tits. Next she’ll probably install a hamster wheel on her navel and then we’ll move onto the inevitable pornographic phase of her career where she torches her bush and starts smashing watermelons with her clitoris. As she nears thirty she’ll start weaving her anus hair and then delve head first into the foot fetish world. It sounds strange now but we’ll be looking back on these days wistfully. Go to bed and try not to dream.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Topless With Her Cat

By Lex May 01, 2015 @ 1:28 PM

Miley Cyrus Topless In Her Underwear V Magazine

It’s easy to mock Miley Cyrus, it’s tougher to applaud her for being the rare celebrity who shows off her tits and truly does not give a fuck. It’s like Katherine Heigl if Katherine Heigl were way less attractive and really fun instead of the exact opposite. That’s a horrible example. Miley let some magazine photographer follow her around with an all-access camera. He got as far as her duodenum with his laparoscope before she called out her safe word and the photographer was thrown out of the Wonka factory with his hand clenched tightly around a memory stick that smelled like Goobers. These are our everyday heroes.

Photo Credit: V Magazine

Miley Cyrus Bikini Top

By Lex May 01, 2015 @ 8:46 AM

Miley Cyrus Bikini Top While Out In LA
Miley Cyrus is beginning to look like that fun younger aunt you hear your parents whispering about needing an intervention. The one who brings over new boyfriends every time she visits and makes out with them on the couch before chain smoking on the back stoop. Early professional success is a real fucking bugaboo. Barely making rent is a tether line to not doing incredibly stupid shit all the time. Having to work to get laid is another. Black street kids in Baltimore think they’ve got problems. Try being a rich white girl in Hollywood. You have no idea what angst feels like.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Cara Delevingne Consoles

By Lex April 24, 2015 @ 9:32 AM

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Prodigious pussy hound Cara Delevingne inserts herself into the arms of rebounding celebrity chicks lighting style quick. She’s got some hidden network of pneumatic tubes built under the earth’s mantle that can deliver her talented fingers anywhere in the world in eleven seconds. Elon Musk is still thirty years from this same technology. Pop. Out come the eyebrows just in time to console Miley Cyrus who was getting loaded and making out with her friends. To Catch a Predator stuffed animal. Check. Lesbian rings of power. Check. Pull Miley close to your bosom and work up some tears. There’s celebrity snatch to be had. No man on the planet has this game.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miley Cyrus Is Single and Hirsute

By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Miley Cyrus Is Single With Hairy Armpits
Maxim’s Hottest Girl in the Universe Since the Dawn of Time stopped shaving her pits to signify that she’s ready for a new mate. Canadian geese do the same as do fetish serial killers. Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger are taking a break from their relationship after Cyrus discovered Schwarzenegger boning other girls and Schwarzenegger discovered boning other girls felt really good. I’d recommend this sort of college kid and this sort of singer girl date other people and stay away from exclusive until they’re mature enough to handle the responsibility. Or until they lose their ability to easily fuck pretty much whoever they want. Options are the death knell of committed relationships.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rue Nails Miley Cyrus for Robbing Black Culture

By Lex April 17, 2015 @ 9:24 AM

Miley Cyrus Hiking In A Sports Bra
The chick who played Rue, the cute as a button black girl destined to die in a tear jerking scene in the first Hunger Games, created a video criticizing Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and other whiteys for misappropriating black culture:

In 2013, Miley Cyrus twerks and uses black women as props, and then in 2014, in one of her videos called This Is How We Do, Katy Perry uses Ebonics and hand gestures and eats watermelons while wearing cornrows, before cutting inexplicably to a picture of Aretha Franklin. So as you can see, cultural appropriation was rampant.

Rue, teen actress Amanda Sternberg, also notes Kesha, Madonna, and Taylor Swift routinely dress and draw content and visuals straight from typically black culture. But then, so what? If cornrows, grills, gang signs, and twerking gets you mega cash in 2015, of course people are going to steal it for themselves. I’m sure crunchy organic farmers are pissed that mega agri-corps are now labeling their products organic as well by the narrowest of margins, but that’s because that’s what sells on the shelves. If Kesha stuck to white people shit like eating liverwurst sandwiches and fearing sex she’d still be living in her car reeking of urine. Thanks to adopting black culture, only one of those things is true.

The fact that traditionally black cultural elements are super popular among white suburban mall kids should be a good thing. These crackers think hip hop is their ticket to acceptance. The Kardashians will only meld with black men. I understand that’s embarrassing as shit, but frame it as racial progress rather than cultural identify theft and you’ll be a much happier person. They’re still going to make the black characters die first in sci-fi movies. We’re not all the way home yet.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet