By Travis January 29, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
MTV will air the new Miley Cyrus Unplugged special tonight at 9, in case you need to check your local schedule of speeding trains that you can step in front so you can be completely sure that you don’t catch even one second of it. As we know, Miley teamed up with Madonna for a duet, and the 55-year old pop star doubled down on her ridiculous Grammy cowboy costume by loading up on the rhinestones for tonight’s special. And of course they stuck their fucking tongues out, because if there’s one thing the world wants to see, it’s where all the dicks were sucked in 1986 and the landing pad for Terry Richardson’s balls in 2013.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis January 28, 2014 @ 1:17 PM
Miley Cyrus may not have even attended the Grammys on Sunday night, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have other plans for keeping the fallacy that she’s changing modern pop music as we know it alive. Later today, Miley will record her MTV Unplugged show that will “showcase a more intimate side” and feature a “re-invention of the songs that have defined her career” and whatever else the MTV press release robot came up with, but the big surprise will be Madonna stopping by to perform with her. And according to a day dream that I keep having, the studio audience will be cleared out, leaving just Miley and Madonna in the room, as a pack of wolves are led to the stage to watch me pelt the two women with raw meat. I’m available, in case MTV likes that idea.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex January 27, 2014 @ 7:06 PM
When you see French dudes in Buck Rogers villain masks, you’re typically about to be sodomized to the scent of stale cigarettes and licorice. So consider last night’s Grammy’s to be less painful than expected. Sobering up from this morning’s vitriol, I’m thinking now about Metallica playing with that Asian Van Cliburn dude, getting to see Madonna one more time before she dies, the look in Taylor Swift’s eyes revealing that she’ll never be truly happy. There were good moments. Add to that the shit that didn’t happen because certain noteworthy attention whores declined to even show up at all. Miley Cyrus. Her visionary musical abortion Bangerz was released past the artificial deadline the Grammys use to ensure the latest hot music is never heard at the event. Miley stayed home and played Guitar hero and tried to score enough points to earn a real woman’s body. Kanye West didn’t show up since his Yeezus album didn’t get nominated for being the best thing ever invented. Lady Gaga didn’t get nominated at all, so she didn’t bother her make-up artists with the sixteen hours it takes to make her look less like a fruit bat. Rihanna actually won an award of some kind, but she decided to spend the evening blowing smoke rings onboard a boat owned by somebody rich who once fingered her while she kept her tears on the inside. This is like one of those children’s books learning about how relatively speaking, shit could’ve been much worse, so be thankful. I am. Thank you, Grammy Jesus.
By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 6:30 AM
Imagine you’re in Vegas with the kids and you all hit the balcony section at the Britney Spears show. There you are, breaking it down to Britney’s epic dance hits, weeping to her tender ballads, when you spot Miley Cyrus and her scoliosis shoulders craning in to make out with Britney’s dancer chicks. How do you explain that shit to the little ones? They’ve never seen Ellen in a vest suit or had cause to ask why Hilary Clinton and Anthony Weiner’s wife travel the globe together while inexplicably forgiving their husband’s philandering. There’s spastic Hannah Montana making out with a girl who gets paid to twirl and emergency sew Britney’s bursted seams back together onstage. What the hell is happening to this country? Boys need to be introduced to lesbianism watching fake tit-on-tit sex on late night cable. That’s how they learn to appreciate lesbian love and beg their future girlfriends to get it on with their housemates. The boy who spotted this shit is going to go back and tell his little buddies that he saw two chicks making out and it was gross. He’s probably going to get labeled a pussy and get himself a solid beatdown. I hope he sues Miley Cyrus from his little kid hospital bed.
By Travis January 02, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
If you missed Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve on ABC on Tuesday night, you’re pretty fucking lucky, because Ryan Seacrest’s shitshow of celebrities pretending like they give a crap about normal people was pretty terrible. However, the best part of it was probably watching Miley Cyrus try to stand in one place and not look like she was the most uncomfortable person on the planet in her giant fur coat and stupid boots. When all was said and done, Miley gave Ryan a New Year’s Kiss to thank him for extending her 15 minutes a little longer, and if that guy wasn’t gay before, he has probably already spent the better part of the first two days of 2014 at a truck stop glory hole.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus
By Jack December 27, 2013 @ 1:35 PM
Miley Cyrus responded to Joe Jonas’ allegations that she and Demi Lovato started him down the road to drug problems. In an interview with the New York Times, Miley admits to having introduced Joe to weed but that everything that came after isn’t her fault. We told you about Jonas whining in an interview earlier this month that Miley and Lovato peer pressured him into trying marijuana for the first time. I guess they held him down and twisted his completely heterosexual nipple rings until he took a hit. The incident happened back when they were all young Disney creations being gently molested by Hollywood casting agents and producers. Miley says,
“If you want to smoke weed, you’re going to smoke weed. There’s nothing that two little girls are going to get you to do that you don’t want to do. I thought maybe he was saying that like it was going to make him look badass. We were so young that it’s actually like, ‘How did you get peer pressured by me?”
She’s got a point. Joe Jonas is a huge pussy that no mustache can hide. And, yet, she completely ignores the fact that a teenaged boy will strangle in his parents in their sleep and light the town on fire if a couple teenage girls promise him sex when he’s finished. So, there’s that too. In the end, I blame the parents. As soon as they come out of the money counting room tallying their kids’ financial take, I’m going to have a word with them.