Miley’s Mom Wants Approval

By Matt September 09, 2014 @ 6:06 AM

Tish

Tish Cyrus gets asked a lot about being the mom of America’s favorite acting out child. When your kid is flashing her cooch at school to the boys for a dollar, everybody just talks about what a horrible mom you are behind your back. When she does it in sold out arenas for millions, they ask you quite openly about your feelings while kissing your ass. And Tish has her likable, canned response ready to go:

“You know, I joke about it from being Billy Cyrus wife to Miley Cyrus’ mom, but no, not really. I am proud of her — she is my child.

Every Saturday morning when we are making breakfast, we twerk in the kitchen. It is so much fun.”

If by Saturday morning, Tish means 4pm when she tosses a bucket of cold water on Miley and the androgynous salvia dealer wrapped around her daughter’s feet, that could be breakfast. She could be more forceful about imposing discipline but Miley is an adult now, not to mention paying everybody’s rent and tooth whitening money. It’s amazing how the mother daughter dynamic changes once you’ve sold your offspring in the molestation bazaar that is young Hollywood. You can’t really ever take that back, except in folksy stories your publicist whispers in your painted ear before interviews.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Topless and Touched Up

By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 10:59 AM

Miley Cyrus Goes Nude For V Magazine
It must’ve hurt Miley’s feelings that none of her 92,000 sexually deviant fucking the bear pics were hacked from the Cloud so she went and took her top off the old fashioned way, an inanely stylized European magazine spread. She looks more distinctly female here and less like an 80′s northern European androgynous rock band lead, so kudos to the Photoshoppers at V Magazine. I think it’s justified to applaud Miley Cyrus for her bold public persona, at least with the same vigor with which you hope she’ll suffer amnesia and disappear into a waitressing job at a Novia Scotia greasy spoon for the next twenty years.

Photo Credit: V Magazine

Miley Cyrus Flashes Her Rashy Chest for Wang

By Matt September 08, 2014 @ 6:04 AM

MC

Miley Cyrus went to an Alexander Wang after party at Fashion Week with ice cream cone pasties taped to her little nubs. Cyrus added to the ensemble some goofy glasses and weed leaf earrings, because unlike the rest of society she continued thinking prop closets were amazing past the single digit years. I bet she still loves that trunk full of surprises that the dentist lets you pick from when you behave super well while getting fake giant cartoon teeth. Miley showed off a horrid infected looking rash on her neck and chest as part of the social statement. It could have been ebola if Miley were more interesting and contemporary. But it was probably just mange from her pet cat. I think Miley needs to find a new way to be provocative, like self-immolation or trying to stop a derailed train with those teeth. I never thought I’d ever say this, but, put your clothes back on woman. For the love of St. Christopher, the patron saint of boner kills.

Photo Credit: Instagram, AKM-GSI 

Miley Cyrus Pokes At Nicki Minaj’s Ass

By Matt September 05, 2014 @ 6:24 AM

Cyr

World’s preeminent social satirist Miley Cyrus posted an Instagram picture of herself with a huge fat ass that looks like Nicki Minaj. Miley included the lyric “Ass so fat need a lap dance.” Minaj responded by reposting the photo with the weirdly punctuated caption “No chill ZONE!!!” The two pop stars became exhausted after trading monosyllabic barbs and retired to their respective solariums for salvia bong rips and tuna sandwiches.

Cyrus has altered Minaj’s album covers in the past, presumably due to insecurities about her cub scout physique, in contrast to Minaj who has the frame of a fuck toy designed by Asian comp-sci nerds. A staged rivalry is always a good way for artists to garner publicity, especially when they have nothing of interest to say. It’s how Lincoln and Douglas would have settled things had they both been really short and mildly retarded. I tend to prefer the Suge Knight beefs that result in one less rapper with a stupid name walking the earth. Every now and then we lose a real talent, but it’s worth it when they come back as even more awesome holograms.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Defends Her Homeless Showpiece

By Lex August 27, 2014 @ 12:36 PM

Miley-Cyrus-Crying-at-the-VMAs
Miley Cyrus is doubling down on support for the handsome homeless dude she let take her mic time at the VMA’s to discuss the plight of young people living in city shelters. Yesterday we learned that Jesse Helt had a warrant out for his arrest for something minor he skipped out on back in Oregon. Today, that he was living in a park in Los Angeles because he was having trouble getting modeling gigs in Hollywood and he was too proud to go back to Oregon and live with his parents. That’s actually kind of admirable.

He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else. It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another. — Helt’s mom on her son, the unemployed male model

Gee, thanks mom for blowing a perfectly good handsome young white man lives in a bush story. Good looking 20-somethings really are the most misunderstood of the besieged classes.

Instead of just admitting that she and her handlers should have vetted their woe-monkey more before giving him the VMA stage and crying like you were eleven again and just losing your virginity to a Disney casting agent, Miley went on the attack . She Tweeted  whole bunch of self-righteous jabs at people who live in houses and don’t feel sorry for failed Hollywood models living in the jacaranda:

Miley-Ray-Cyrus-on-Twitter_-Does-looking-down-upon-the-homeless-help-people-excuse-their-inaction-
Miley-Ray-Cyrus-on-Twitter_-People-who-are-homeless-have-lived-very-hard-lives.-Jesse-included

Instead of putting young Richard Gere onstage, you should’ve had him pretend bang you in your next music video. He’d be famous and turning down jobs. You wouldn’t look like the spoiled girl who just learned that not everybody lives in large houses with slides that lead to the game room. Where the hell is Tish? She knows this crap.

Photo credit: MTV VMAs

Miley Cyrus’ Homeless Hero Has A Warrant

By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 7:14 AM

Miley Cyrus’ attempt to redeem her coked up clit grinding at last year’s VMA’s fell flat when she had a homeless guy accept her Music Video award while she sat in the front row and mugged tearfully. I am not sure how much money someone has to pay you to utter these words but you would be better off blowing old men in bathroom stalls if you wanted to preserve your dignity:

“If you want to make positive change in the world right now, join us and go to Miley’s Facebook page.”

The homeless guy’s name is Jessie Holt and he took the opportunity to go into his hard luck story, which is clearly devoid of any responsibility on his part:

“I’ve survived in shelters all over the city. I’ve cleaned your hotel rooms, I’ve been an extra in your movies. I’ve been an extra in your life.”

Wait, are you an unfortunate homeless man or an out of work actor who was too good for restaurant service jobs? It turns out Holt has a warrant for his arrest in Oregon for breaking into an apartment. So apart from being a martyr serving society’s underbelly by doing the necessary things you don’t notice, Holt is also the guy who steals shit out of you car when you leave the doors unlocked. He has peered through your window at night to see if anyone is home. He has jacked your credit card when you left it in the Friday’s booth and taken it immediately to Best Buy to snake some cool Beats by Dre. Whenever people go out of their way to seem like heroes it’s a pretty solid indication they are self-serving assholes. That goes for both of them.