By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 11:38 AM
Miley Cyrus now lets fans taste her tongue and grab her tits before and after her concert performances. In fact, you don’t need to attend the concert at all. You just hold your fifty bucks out in your hand in the private queue marked ‘Cheeses and Misc.’ out behind the theater until your number is called. I think it’s fucking genius. Why ignore a large swatch of the consumer audience whose sole interest in you is as a gender neutral portable fuck toy? Not only is that demographic loyal, they spend the entirety of their life savings pursuing their interests. Critics are calling Miley all sorts of bad names for her new hands-on services and wondering what Billy Ray must think of his daughter. You can ask him yourself. He’s running the Cheeses and Misc. line out back.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 7:37 AM
A Miley Cyrus death hoax over the weekend spread unchecked through the camp of people who have exit bags laid out to suffocate themselves to oblivion should anything happen to Miley Cyrus. Just check out fan Lauren. The mere possibility of Miley’s tragic death forced her to spell out almost half her words. And Natalie nearly swallowed her retainer while teeing Lauren up with exasperated segues. That shit’s not funny, hoaxsters. These are real girls with real respiratory problems that keep them indoors.
Naturally, people are somewhat inclined to believe a MILEY CYRUS DEAD FROM DRUG OVERDOSE social media headline more than MILEY CYRUS SUCCESSFULLY NAMES ELEVEN STATES. The entire hoax was run by one of those spam survey sites that asks you how old you are and then says you ranked in the top 98% of respondents so you win a RV. Don’t give them your credit card number or your bank account will be used to buy more missiles to lob at Tel Aviv. This world is now way too small.
By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 12:07 PM
It seems like just yesterday Miley Cyrus was Turtle waxing her taint and the nameless black women who sing her songs were rehearsing for a European spectacular Bangerz musical tour. The angry midgets were being boxed and shipped, phallus shaped stage props were being honed by dickmeisters in Prague, and Tish Cyrus was calculating how many more years she could keep her entire brood in clover from Miley masturbating herself on stage in front of gay men in clogs. But all good things must come to an end. It’s time for the vestal virgins to pack Miley’s inflamed vulva with Icy Hots and return her body to the basement stasis tank where she’ll float in a potassium-rich colloid until once more the night’s sky shines with the beacon of a boy wishing he had tits.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com
By Matt June 20, 2014 @ 5:12 PM
The obsessed fan arrested for stalking musician Miley Cyrus is apparently deaf. Devon Meek is also batshit insane, a fact confirmed by police when he informed them he is a huge fan of Cyrus. Since he can’t actually hear Cyrus’ honking he mostly makes up his own songs and attributes them to her, which isn’t a bad idea. Why not bestow imaginary talent onto a chick you want to bang? Or in the case of Meek, cut up into little pieces and feed to your cat and then bang. I’m going to start pretending that Sasha Grey was the front man for Nirvana. And that Kate Upton was the first person to walk on the moon where she implored the moon people not to treat her like a sex object.
The problem for Meek is that he’s legally restrained from being within a football field distance of Miley Cyrus. Out of pure caution he’ll have to walk in the other direction every time a twelve year old boy steps into his virtual perimeter. Still, the law can’t stop Meek from jerking off to his I Heart Miley back tattoo while looking over his shoulder in the mirror. Justice may be blind, but it’s not deaf.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 18, 2014 @ 2:08 PM
I despise this millennial meme about forgiving everybody’s trespasses. “Haters gonna hate” is some trumped up excuse for being lazy. Miley Cyrus needs to tell everybody, me included, fuck you on the platypus jokes and the dirty crotch ridicule, I’m in Barcelona hanging by the pool with a dozen cabana slaves oiling down my boy body to keep me white and pure. Tonight I’ll drink high end rum until I puke, flash my tits at some sailors, and shove a Cava bottle up my cooch. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up at noon and call my banker in Switzerland and remind him he owes me a Toblerone when the account his $200 million. When you’re in the business of being famous and making money and you’re really famous and making a ton of money, you’ve won. The world won’t combust into flame if you tell everybody to eat your shit, Please just don’t do it in song.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 17, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
Here’s my complete understanding of the Miley Cyrus phenomenon. People love gender bending Puckish twinks. And by people I mean everybody is suspect. Somebody is making Miley the most popular person in the world. It’s not me, I’m pretty sure it’s you. Stop getting so worked up every time she puts her hands on her unitard mons and maybe she’ll go away. I’m talking to you, neighbor. You got complaints about my cat raping your cat. Stop buying Miley records and I’ll put put some rubber pants on him.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Instagram