After a nasty run-in with an antibiotic reaction that affects Miley Cyrus and almost one other person in this country annually, the mirthful ambassador of female empowerment is back to 100-percent crotch rubbing capacity. Although we’d all like to think we could masturbate and lip-synch at the same time, you give it a shot and see if you can keep your focus. Miley was performing in Lyon, France where her twelve year old fangirls have been taking lovers and smoking unfiltered Camels since nine, so they’re a little hard to shock with mere masturbation pantomime. Miley won their dark little hearts when she announced on stage, I am short and spastic and look like a lamb with lipstick, I am one of you! The crowd erupted in self-reflective light applause, the highest form of praise in the region.
Everybody’s favorite and totally not overexposed actress Jennifer Lawrence told Seth Meyers a funny story the other night about how she threw up at an Oscars after party, and what made it even funnier and quirkier for the girl next door is that she did it right in front of Miley Cyrus. Everybody ate this shit up with a shovel because Jennifer can’t do anything wrong, but at least one person thinks that this story is a little too cute to be true – Miley Cyrus. In a since deleted tweet, Miley responded to someone that Lawrence’s story “never happened,” which was actually a little bit disappointing. At least tell us what did happen. Did it simply “never happen”, as in Miley didn’t even attend that party? Or did it “never happen” as in Jennifer actually threw up on Miley, because she thought that some vomit on her dress would be a good excuse to strip down to a crotchless body suit and walk around with an Oscar statue in her twat? Details, you boring hick.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus’s Instagram
Everybody seems to love Jennifer Lawrence because she’s young and attractive and has no problem acting like an idiot, all in the name of being quirky and zany. She’s also an Oscar winner, so that bought her a few years of invincibility when it comes to behavior that would be considered really fucking annoying if pulled off by a lesser celebrity. So everyone’s just eating up her witty anecdote that she revealed to Seth Meyers on Late Night last night, about the time that she was at an Oscars after party and she threw up in front of other famous people. Even Miley Cyrus told her to get her shit together, which is really the ultimate sign in knowing that you’re acting like a complete asshole.
The strange friendship between Wayne Coyne and Miley Cyrus continued last night at the Billboard Music Awards, where the duo teamed up to let Miley screech her autotuned way through the Beatles classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Miley picked that song, you see, because she really likes experimenting with drugs like marijuana and LSD, since she’s so unique and original, and no musician has ever used the pot to really make the music come out of them the way that Miley does. You can even tell by the way that Miley painfully dragged out every verse of the song and stuck her stupid tongue out while none of her fans sang along, because her fans are idiots who clearly wouldn’t know good music if it was twerking right in front of them, that she knows that she’s an old soul who belongs in a different era. Now we just need to convince her that the time machine that will take her back to the 70s is in the bottom of a volcano.
At some point in her lip-synched London concert, Miley was acting out fellatio on a giant inflatable penis, sucking a midgets latex titties, and spanking a she-beast visually foretelling of Khloe Kardashian’s future offspring.With the sound off, it’s really not a half bad freak show. Parents groups are up in arms because Miley is reasonably likely to leave their girls pregnant and riddled with pox. Parents groups always talk a good game, but you really have to get them into a lather before they’ll start burning 2 Live Crew albums in the town square. This whole show gets better with fire.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, AKM-GSI, Splash