Despite reportedly being devastated over the death of her dog, Floyd, Miley Cyrus decided that her shows must go on. Miley has been throwing a pity party for herself on Twitter, claiming that she’s “fucking miserable” about Floyd, and that’s understandable, because life can’t always be the pure bliss of tightly-rolled joints and widely-spread legs. While Floyd died on Tuesday, Miley took a chance to honor him at her show on Wednesday night by singing “The Scientist” (above) and “Landslide,” which Miley claims was Floyd’s favorite. Then, as a final salute to her dog, she shot 21 ping pong balls out of her butthole into the mouth a giant dog costume worn by two exhausted midget dancers. Floyd would have wanted it that way, y’all.
Former Hefner wet spot sleeper Kendra Wilkinson thinks Miley Cyrus is a great role model for young girls. Kendra is pregnant with her second womb ferret with her husband who played in the NFL for a couple seasons and this time it’s a girl. So, who better than a vapid stripper who climbed her way to fame one boner at a time to judge what makes a good example for kids? According to Kendra it’s Miley Cyrus:
“As much as we think she’s crazy, I think she’s a good example. Let’s not be so trapped in a box. I’m going to teach my daughter that way: be who you want to be. Society’s going to put these rules on you but if you have this feeling that you need to do whatever it is, do it…Now, I’m not saying drugs.”
Yes, because Miley rubbing her twat with a foam finger on national TV is “thinking outside of the box”. Nothing prepares a woman for the challenging world of working in the operating rooms and boardrooms like simulating sex on stage and making Mr. Yuck faces with your tongue. Through Kendra’s prism, I guess if you don’t actually have to take an octogenarian bone in your boot thrice a week to earn your keep, you’re doing more than alright. I pray the kids take after their long term unemployed father.
There’s nothing Miley Cyrus will not do to get you to listen to her music. She’s like that kid in high school who wouldn’t stop passing out flyers and homemade samples for his band. Only, imagine that dude topless on a horse and with smaller boobs and you have Miley. If you had already had plans to purchase her remix of Adore You, because, you know, the first auto-tuned mix wasn’t enough, then you can skip right past her bare yabbos and pick up your order. But if you were on the fence, this might just get you into her music. This is very similar to how I first got hooked on Celtic Woman.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus
A private college in upstate New York is offering a class on Miley Cyrus. Skidmore College, one of the priciest schools in the country, is adding a class on the the leg spreading tone deaf singer this summer. The course will examine society, race, gender, and a bunch of other shit through the lens of Miley Cyrus. The class promises to examine the “ongoing media frenzy focused on Miley Cyrus’ public image, music, and body.” I imagine a class of unshaven lesbian feminists in their summer cargo shorts and Berkenstocks sitting on the quad and discussing the civil rights message in the song Wrecking Ball. Or perhaps they’ll take a break from quoting Indigo Girls songs to discuss Miley’s magical ability to turn into Hannah Montana. I looked it up, at the discounted summer rate, a three credit class still costs $2130. I mean, I studied theater and film in college but those seem like laboratory sciences compared to Miley Cyrus studies. If you’re paying two grand for your kids to attend Twerking 101, maybe you ought consider if you’re over indulging your precious offspring.
Hey everyone, look at Miley Cyrus being nonchalant and edgy again! She wants everyone to see this bruise on her ass, but people are going to lose their shit, y’all, when they realize that her finger is touching her cooch. “Haha, good job on touchin’ yer honey pot,” Billy Ray probably told her as he took the picture and saved it to his special file, while Trish and the rest of the Cyrus clan covered their eyeballs with stacks of cash and pretended like none of this was happening. Maybe next week Miley can post a video of her pointing to a mosq1uito bite that’s been bothering her, and only the really perceptive fans will be able to tell that she has her other fist completely inside of herself.
Photo: Miley Cyrus Instagram
While we don’t know if Miley Cyrus and her friends were performing this obnoxious rendition of “Baby Got Back” at the very moment that her tour bus was on fire, it is pretty fun to imagine that was the case and she returned to realize that she forgot to let her little people dancers out of their cage. What’s really troubling, though, is how drunk Miley had to be to not know the words to one of the most basic and dumbest songs ever recorded. At least she was composed enough to go with the classic white girl escape plan of shaking her flat ass while everyone around her screamed. Great recovery, Miley. We can’t have people thinking you’re an idiot.