When she’s not bouncing her ass cheeks across the continental United States in the name of spreading Christmas cheer and maybe VD, Miley Cyrus likes to spend her downtime reminding everyone that she’s really famous and she hangs out with other young famous women like Cara Delevingne. But when these two get together, watch out! Because they’re so young and wild and crazy and out of control that they might just touch tongues and post pictures of it on Twitter, because there’s no stopping this crazy train now, you squares. Miley Cyrus is a trail blazer and definitely isn’t a bargain bin version of a Madonna cover artist.
Miley’s new music video “Adore You’ was released this morning and immediately shipped to Guantanamo where it was used to break several Jihadis who’ve been completely resilient to ten years of torture. I’m not sure if it’s the sight of the spastic pubescent boy fumbling around in his mother’s bra or the doleful sounds of nails on a chalkboard mixed with the low rumble of an asphalt roofing kettle, but sworn stalwart Islamic fundamentalists promised to expose the secret location of Bin Laden if only the soldiers would turn the barracks TV back to Animaniacs. Those sad out-of-touch fucks. Who will adore them?
Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart famously said about porn, ‘I know it when I see it’. And he only had some dirty black and white hair pulling magazines for his foundation. I’m guessing that in 2013 I see more porn on a daily basis than ole Potter saw in his lifetime. I know it when I see it. This new Miley Cyrus teaser bits for her new music video ‘Adore You’ is porn. There’s just a bit of nipple and Miley sticking her hand in her underpants, but with the music and the shots and the cut back to her twink boy face, this is precisely the kind of amateur shit they keep finding on school principal’s computers. The video will premiere in its entirety on December 26th, just in time to make the newborn baby Jesus cry.
(video via Instagram)
Miley Cyrus joined the epic battle for the right of angry feminist women to go topless in public just like men who love seeing their own nipples in store reflections do. We know how that hot button issue divides this nation between the people who don’t know about it to the people who don’t give a shit about it. And then the small sub-section of guys who stupidly believe good looking women are suddenly going to be walking around the city topless. Miley put in her two cents by flashing her bare boy chest on Twitter. She thanked New York for their ruling that women are allowed to be topless in public provided they’ve previously blogged about how clumsy and horrible the guy was who took their virginity. Miley had her little bumps censored with Christmas hearts just to reinforce the fact that she doesn’t understand irony.
To further her feminist credentials, Miley went on stage at Madison Square Garden to spank a girl midget and let a naughty Santa grind her ass for cash.
Photo Credit: Getty
America’s collective genital wart, Miley Cyrus, is pretty sure MTV won’t ask her back to perform at the VMAs again. As you will no doubt recall, Miley took dirty dancing for the teens to a whole new level when she twerked all over Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit at the Video Music Awards earlier this year. MTV caught a lot of flack for letting her prance around like a slut on molly. With that in mind she says,
“It kind of just opened so many doors for me to be like, alright, I already pissed you off as much as I possibly can. So, now I can kind of just be freer and kind of do whatever it is that we want to do…I doubt they’re ever gonna ask me back.”
Bullshit. MTV will most definitely have her back. People tuned in to watch the show to see her antics and went back to watch the million repeats of the broadcast just to see her performance. MTV runs reality shows where cast members die or become incarcerated with habitual drug habits. You think they can’t handle blowback from dry humping on stage? Not only will MTV have her back, they’ll encourage her to up the ante. I wouldn’t be surprised if Miley homages the Tijuana donkey show on next year’s broadcast. The real trick will be to find a willing burro.
The Jingle Ball concert moved along to Atlanta last night, where Miley Cyrus once again headlined with her twerking little people, a drunken pervert Santa and a whole team of backup dancers and musicians who looked like they would have rather been in Syria. But unlike the show in Minnesota, this one seemed to be focused more on Miley’s camel toe, because the best way to say, “Merry Christmas!” to your fans is by thrusting your sweaty cooch in their faces. By the time this show hits Tampa next week, I wouldn’t be surprised if Miley takes a dump on a backup dancer’s chest and says she’s just delivering a lump of coal to the naughty girls.
Photo Credits: Getty