By Lex March 03, 2014 @ 6:34 PM
Decades from now when you’re walking through a dystopian landscape not unlike those visualized in seventeen blockbuster movies a year, don’t forget to tell the young street urchins surviving on old people’s feet jerky where this tide of tragedy all began. An epic communicable disease spread like wildfire from one Bangerz tour stop to the next, through contrived lesbian kisses between Miley Cyrus and some completely random girl in the Las Vegas audience that security knew to let rush the stage. That single cell organism transferred from the gaping maw of Hannah Montana fifty dicks later is right now reproducing at apocalyptic rates inside the breach of this niece of somebody who knew somebody in Miley’s camp. The crowd of Fudgsicle brained adolescents oohing over the girl on girl kiss won’t be so charmed when office towers start spontaneously combusting from the sheer ferocity of flesh eater rampages. The survivors will envy the dead and Wayne Newton will sue Miley for ripping his tired Vegas shtick. Teach that to the young remnants of human kind. Remember your history.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet
By Jack February 27, 2014 @ 1:34 PM
The split between Robin Thicke and Paula Patton began with Miley Cyrus’ dry humping antics. Apparently the trouble with the celebrity love birds began at the now notorious VMA performance in which Miley air humped Robin Thicke on stage. You’ll recall that she stroked herself with a foam finger while rubbing her spastic twat on Robin’s junk. Paula was not having any of that shit and felt humiliated and disrespected by the whole thing. Sources say they got into a huge fight after the show and things never got better after that. As I bravely and journalistically reported from sources I know within the VMAs, Miley and Robin planned the stunt right before going out to catch the MTV people off guard. Apparently Paula was pissed that Robin couldn’t give follow the Nancy Reagan power of ‘no’ when it came to grinding Miley on worldwide television.
It must be hard to watch your husband get dry humped in front of everybody you’ve ever known, but it’s not like he was really boning Miley Cyrus, not like all the other girls he actually was boning. I’m not exactly sure how Paula thought her husband was going to break big without pulling these kinds of stunts. A happy marriage story only gets you so far in rock and roll. Thicke’s whole shtick is acting like a Canadian ladies man, if such a thing even exists. It’s like marrying an NFL linebacker then complaining about the beatings. C’mon, Paula, grow up. Don’t shit on your husband the minute he gets his first taste of big league ball. Give him a friggin’ hot model hall pass for a year and you’ll get another forty years of happy marriage.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex February 24, 2014 @ 10:13 AM
When I think of all the recently outed brave lesbians like Ellen Page and Jason Collins, I shudder to think how diminished they must feel to see pop music stars using lesbian sexuality for pure spectacle value. Phil Robertson believes the bible tells him that sodomy is sinful. He’s guileless in his beliefs. He’s not using the ‘gay thing’ to rake in cash. He kills ducks. Miley Cyrus planted a big kiss on Katy Perry in the audience of her geek show at Staples Center in the latest episode of really cynical gay exploitation. Though you do have to admire Miley Cyrus’ ability to keep singing even when she lowered the microphone and kissed Katy Perry. That’s a neat trick. It’s become a common sight to see pop music stars wiggling their tongues between their V-fingers, grabbing each other’s tits in public, and making all sorts of Sapphic suggestiveness. But these girls aren’t gay. They weren’t born that way. They’re not going to face non-existent discrimination in Hollywood. Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry and their ilk are cynically using the serious issue of females born to bump clams to shock the public and sell more tickets. That’s just vile. Unless both the girls are super hot. Then it’s fucking amazing. But that’s the exception.
By Lex February 19, 2014 @ 4:33 PM
Is there no limit to the cutting edge artistic expression for this auto-tuned platypus slash Maxim’s sexiest woman alive? To keep her Bangerz Tour frenzy at rabid monkey pace, Miley Cyrus took a pair of thong panties flung at her during her concert in Vancouver and began munching on them like she was some unbound primordial sexual beast. Or a prison inmate who two weeks ago mailed fifty hard earned dollars to a poorly aging Playboy Cybergirl. According to Miley, they tasted just like chicken, or lesbian Canadian teen vagina tasting chicken. At some point, a concerned group of parents are going to form a secret alliance and strangle Miley in her sleep. In court, they’ll demand that history be their judge and some of us will spend some real time noodling that over.
Photo Credit: Twitter
By Lex February 17, 2014 @ 1:17 PM
At some point Obama’s going to need to turn his attention away from how many gays he can airlift to Russia and apologize to our largest supplier of unmarked cigarettes to the north for what Miley Cyrus did in Vancouver over the weekend. Miley Cyrus spent most of her Bangerz stage time rubbing her twat in front of a bunch of kids barely old enough to have lost their first teeth playing hockey. She quickly moved on to pretending to fellate our former President and having the blue dude from Monsters Inc bang her from behind. At one point I think she was interpreting Amber Lynn seducing her own father in Taboo 5. I was willing to abide the cutting edge performance art until Miley started mounting a giant hot dog. She was fucking America, like Jane Fonda straddling an NVA anti-aircraft gun, and right in front of Canada. As if those people need an opening to pour angrily across our border with their oversized spoons and fur-lined winter jackets.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex February 06, 2014 @ 6:24 PM
I’m not sure how Miley Cyrus got envisioned as a blond bombshell, but if it sells in Germany, you know it has to be authentic. At least Vogue had the decency to show her tits off. Maxim could take a financial planning lesson from Vogue in that regard. People seem to like Miley a lot more when she’s naked and not talking so much. Legendary celebrity photographer Mario Testino has shot some of the world’s sexiest women through the years, now he’s also shot Miley Cyrus.
Photo credit: Vogue Germany