By Lex June 18, 2014 @ 2:08 PM
I despise this millennial meme about forgiving everybody’s trespasses. “Haters gonna hate” is some trumped up excuse for being lazy. Miley Cyrus needs to tell everybody, me included, fuck you on the platypus jokes and the dirty crotch ridicule, I’m in Barcelona hanging by the pool with a dozen cabana slaves oiling down my boy body to keep me white and pure. Tonight I’ll drink high end rum until I puke, flash my tits at some sailors, and shove a Cava bottle up my cooch. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up at noon and call my banker in Switzerland and remind him he owes me a Toblerone when the account his $200 million. When you’re in the business of being famous and making money and you’re really famous and making a ton of money, you’ve won. The world won’t combust into flame if you tell everybody to eat your shit, Please just don’t do it in song.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 17, 2014 @ 9:14 AM
Here’s my complete understanding of the Miley Cyrus phenomenon. People love gender bending Puckish twinks. And by people I mean everybody is suspect. Somebody is making Miley the most popular person in the world. It’s not me, I’m pretty sure it’s you. Stop getting so worked up every time she puts her hands on her unitard mons and maybe she’ll go away. I’m talking to you, neighbor. You got complaints about my cat raping your cat. Stop buying Miley records and I’ll put put some rubber pants on him.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus/Instagram
By Lex May 26, 2014 @ 1:56 PM
After a nasty run-in with an antibiotic reaction that affects Miley Cyrus and almost one other person in this country annually, the mirthful ambassador of female empowerment is back to 100-percent crotch rubbing capacity. Although we’d all like to think we could masturbate and lip-synch at the same time, you give it a shot and see if you can keep your focus. Miley was performing in Lyon, France where her twelve year old fangirls have been taking lovers and smoking unfiltered Camels since nine, so they’re a little hard to shock with mere masturbation pantomime. Miley won their dark little hearts when she announced on stage, I am short and spastic and look like a lamb with lipstick, I am one of you! The crowd erupted in self-reflective light applause, the highest form of praise in the region.
By Travis May 23, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
Everybody’s favorite and totally not overexposed actress Jennifer Lawrence told Seth Meyers a funny story the other night about how she threw up at an Oscars after party, and what made it even funnier and quirkier for the girl next door is that she did it right in front of Miley Cyrus. Everybody ate this shit up with a shovel because Jennifer can’t do anything wrong, but at least one person thinks that this story is a little too cute to be true – Miley Cyrus. In a since deleted tweet, Miley responded to someone that Lawrence’s story “never happened,” which was actually a little bit disappointing. At least tell us what did happen. Did it simply “never happen”, as in Miley didn’t even attend that party? Or did it “never happen” as in Jennifer actually threw up on Miley, because she thought that some vomit on her dress would be a good excuse to strip down to a crotchless body suit and walk around with an Oscar statue in her twat? Details, you boring hick.
Photo Credit: Miley Cyrus’s Instagram
By Travis May 22, 2014 @ 2:00 PM
Everybody seems to love Jennifer Lawrence because she’s young and attractive and has no problem acting like an idiot, all in the name of being quirky and zany. She’s also an Oscar winner, so that bought her a few years of invincibility when it comes to behavior that would be considered really fucking annoying if pulled off by a lesser celebrity. So everyone’s just eating up her witty anecdote that she revealed to Seth Meyers on Late Night last night, about the time that she was at an Oscars after party and she threw up in front of other famous people. Even Miley Cyrus told her to get her shit together, which is really the ultimate sign in knowing that you’re acting like a complete asshole.
By Travis May 19, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
The strange friendship between Wayne Coyne and Miley Cyrus continued last night at the Billboard Music Awards, where the duo teamed up to let Miley screech her autotuned way through the Beatles classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.” Miley picked that song, you see, because she really likes experimenting with drugs like marijuana and LSD, since she’s so unique and original, and no musician has ever used the pot to really make the music come out of them the way that Miley does. You can even tell by the way that Miley painfully dragged out every verse of the song and stuck her stupid tongue out while none of her fans sang along, because her fans are idiots who clearly wouldn’t know good music if it was twerking right in front of them, that she knows that she’s an old soul who belongs in a different era. Now we just need to convince her that the time machine that will take her back to the 70s is in the bottom of a volcano.