By Lex October 14, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
Miley Cyrus went on Australian morning television and declared the key to happiness is a whole bunch of empty phrases while fully aware the real answer is being super fucking high and getting laid often. Which it truly is. When you’re twenty one and you can cover off all the deadbeats in your family with a check you don’t even notice and you’ve still got resources for a pony, dank, and all the twat pleasing you need, what else are you missing? Miley might do all sorts of rodent faced creepy shit on stage but she’s not a cunty fucker like Justin Bieber who will take a life before his run is complete. She’s just a chick who wants to play dress up and fuck and bank some cash. The more that sinks in, the more I realize Miley Cyrus might be my favorite person in Hollywood.
By Matt October 09, 2014 @ 5:42 AM
Miley Cyrus’ homeless guy she let speak out for the rights of struggling male models at the MTV VMAs is going to jail. The devilishly handsome shelter dweller Jesse Helt violated his probation by breaking into an apartment so he could get drug money to achieve that heroin tramp look aspiring models crave. And also he probably wanted the heroin. When he appeared on the MTV awards show with Cyrus, the authorities took notice. He’ll be spending the next six months in jail where he will have ample time to brush his teeth and figure out his purpose in life, which is almost certainly not giving bullshit speeches about the perils of not landing the Hugo Boss campaign to crowds full of screaming teenagers who can’t fathom your pain.
By Matt September 30, 2014 @ 6:06 AM
Miley Cyrus wants everyone to know she has been partying it up in Rio. She posted a series of photos explaining she was hungover during her show, because that’s what you want to hear when you shell out $500 bones to watch her spread her perineum on a Jumbotron and maybe come close on a few high notes. Professionalism in the music business really flew out the window when performers stopped singing or playing instruments or wearing pants. Normally with this kind of party lifestyle a young lady’s looks can go straight to shit. With Cyrus this is kind of redundant and maybe she will age herself to resemble an adult woman and not a hairless keepsake for pedophiles to hang from the rearview of their vans.
When your job is to change costumes and move your lips to the words for an hour it doesn’t really matter how fucked up or hungover you are. I wouldn’t mind seeing her perform under the influence of krokodil heroin just for a scientific control. My guess, both shows would suck.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt September 19, 2014 @ 8:40 AM
Miley Cyrus celebrated Mexican Independence Day by having her ass repeatedly slapped with a Mexican flag, while in Mexico. As Miley was bending over and twerking with her drop dead hilarious oversized fake ass, one of her token locally hired day laborer male backup dancers whipped her ass with the symbol of Mexico’s national pride, such as it is. Now Mexican lawmakers are threatening to fine her $1,200 dollars or have her detained for 36 hours because they don’t understand currency exchange.
Unlike your average Mexican citizen, American pop stars will gladly produce ten years of your salary in order to avoid disappearing under your custody. No word on the guy doing the whipping, but the overwhelming odds are he lacks cash or even basic toiletries so extracting money is a lost cause. He’ll probably be put in irons and forced to work the Ensenada parasailing booths. I don’t see how Cyrus can go lower in her repeated failed attempts at provoking reaction. Maybe shitting on Ground Zero or face humping the Lincoln Memorial would garner a few headlines. It’s not really punk if your Beverly Hills media firms plans it out on paper first. But it is pretty fucking lucrative.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex September 16, 2014 @ 12:59 PM
It’s not uncommon for the police to receive calls regarding disoriented elderly women and wandering illegal immigrant children who are still confused after walking a thousand miles in homemade sandals. Miley Cyrus called for the police from a fire station after being followed by a paparazzi snapping she and her sister riding their 3-wheeled motorcycle around Beverly Hills.
Despite what you saw in the Eddie Murphy movies, the Beverly Hills police don’t have all that much to do. Providing safe passage for Miley back to her bong and malt-liquor filled dildo hangout seemed like a sensible use of law enforcement resources. Until Suge Knight seeks his revenge, things are kind of slow in the 90210. Why not lend a hand to the less fortunate and small-breasted.
Photo Credit: Fame Flynet
By Matt September 15, 2014 @ 1:58 PM
Miley Cyrus just released a fairly shitty rudimentary cover of Led Zeppelin’s “Baby I’m Gonna Leave You”, presumably in correlation to her new art/fashion/whatever the fuck it is Dirty Hippy collection of obnoxious looking shit she paid someone to assemble and took credit for. Cyrus has a few characteristics of actual hippies: an overstated self righteousness, a drug habit, and what is surely a large volume of unprotected sex with people she will regret twenty years from now if she happens to remember.
Most hippies sold out as soon as it stopped being cool, so Cyrus’ dabbling in stink culture is pretty typical of the old guard who all took jobs with Monsanto once the pussy dried up. Cyrus will surely offend some diehards who think exploiting their belief system to hawk shitty merchandise at Target is uncouth, but nobody really listens to them anyway since they are toothless and decrepit shack dwellers, plus Cyrus has no idea what hippies believe anyway, she just likes the shiny colors and not having to conform to the conventional standards of beauty or washing.
Photo Credit: Instagram