By Lex October 01, 2014 @ 10:02 AM
The best thing about these inane Parisian fashion shows is seeing tons and tons of half-naked models. That and the fresh baguettes and the discounted admission fees to the French Museum of Epic Surrenders. Also the saucy river whores will snuff out their cigarettes before rim jobs if you speak just enough French to say tar irritates my rectum. But mostly it’s the tits.
Miranda Kerr was under the press gun in Paris because Justin Bieber who she might have let finger her snatch at an after party was roaming around Paris with Selena Gomez, who her ex-husband fucked for Shakespearean style revenge. There was also that nerd fight at Cannes between Justin and Orlando that ended when each side produced a doctor’s note showing they suffer from low muscle tone. It’s like high school band drama, except everybody’s got professionals helping them hide their acne. Miranda immediately changed the subject by wearing a super revealing dress. Nice tits mean you never have to raise your voice.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis May 13, 2014 @ 2:00 PM
Australian media moguls David Gyngell and James Packer have been friends for most of their lives, and David was the best man at James’ wedding to Erica Baxter in 2007. But things got a little tense between the two friends last week, when they tried to beat the living shit out of each other over an angry text that James sent David, who reportedly showed up at his friend’s home to pick a fight. The source of their anger is apparently Miranda Kerr, who James has been dating since announcing his split from his wife since last year, and I think that David is upset because he didn’t think of dumping his wife for the gorgeous super model first. Otherwise, why would he be doing anything than shaking and/or smelling his friend’s hand?
By Lex April 22, 2014 @ 12:34 PM
I think somebody once called divorce a little death. But everybody seems to be pretty damn happy after divorce, as opposed to a funeral, where there are tears and suffering and loss. Though, in both cases, there is usually some opportunity for reckless sexual intercourse. I just read a story about how Miranda Kerr’s ex-husband has never looked better or felt better or something People magazine likes to say about people right before they enter rehab for depression and self-injury. Miranda Kerr also looks good and several shades darker than I remember. That must mean she’s happy. Her tits look happy too. It’s hard to see signs of a little death anywhere. At some point the nanny will have to call these two to see if one of them is coming back for their kid, but until then, enjoy your divorce. You earned it.
Photo Credit: Spanish Elle
By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 5:42 PM
I know many young women dream of marrying a devilishly handsome gay dude who rides a scooter. I’ve never been a woman, but I can only imagine the allure of a man with whom you can spend hours scarf shopping and talking about the Namibian bitches at work. Still, the half-life of any celebrity marriage even with people naturally inclined to boink each other is only but a few years, so the demise of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr seemed inevitable. Then Miranda got fired from Victoria’s Secret for what every woman who worked there agreed was being a super bitch while every man in the world agreed they could care less and just wanted to have sex with her while she read the rugby scores in her Australian accent. The concurrent events might take down a normal woman, but it turns out if you’re really good looking and get paid to take your clothes off, you bounce back faster than others. I wish I was really good looking and got paid to take my clothes off. Perhaps I wouldn’t need three hugs and a week of tears when both my Christian Mingle and J-Date statuses show zero responses, proving that more than one God thinks I’m unlovable.
Photo Credit: GQ UK
By Lex December 23, 2013 @ 3:50 PM
You can take away a woman’s husband, take away her employer, but you can never take away her nipples. I think Obama said something like that in one his original Hope and Change speeches. He’s right too. Because no matter what Miranda Kerr loses, or, you know, spits away because she can do better, she’ll still have those damn nipples. They’re like that new Coin card that unifies all your credit cards into one. The purchasing power of Miranda Kerr’s little titties is massive. There’s not a city in this world where she can’t book a hotel room, catch a show, and order a steak just by taking off her top. You try unbuttoning your shirt at the Four Seasons and see how far that gets you. You, sir, are no Miranda Kerr.
Here’s Miranda dancing around with Terry Richardson who gay-pretends himself into more quality tail than almost any man on the planet.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson