By Lex March 31, 2014 @ 5:42 PM
I know many young women dream of marrying a devilishly handsome gay dude who rides a scooter. I’ve never been a woman, but I can only imagine the allure of a man with whom you can spend hours scarf shopping and talking about the Namibian bitches at work. Still, the half-life of any celebrity marriage even with people naturally inclined to boink each other is only but a few years, so the demise of Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr seemed inevitable. Then Miranda got fired from Victoria’s Secret for what every woman who worked there agreed was being a super bitch while every man in the world agreed they could care less and just wanted to have sex with her while she read the rugby scores in her Australian accent. The concurrent events might take down a normal woman, but it turns out if you’re really good looking and get paid to take your clothes off, you bounce back faster than others. I wish I was really good looking and got paid to take my clothes off. Perhaps I wouldn’t need three hugs and a week of tears when both my Christian Mingle and J-Date statuses show zero responses, proving that more than one God thinks I’m unlovable.
Photo Credit: GQ UK
By Lex December 23, 2013 @ 3:50 PM
You can take away a woman’s husband, take away her employer, but you can never take away her nipples. I think Obama said something like that in one his original Hope and Change speeches. He’s right too. Because no matter what Miranda Kerr loses, or, you know, spits away because she can do better, she’ll still have those damn nipples. They’re like that new Coin card that unifies all your credit cards into one. The purchasing power of Miranda Kerr’s little titties is massive. There’s not a city in this world where she can’t book a hotel room, catch a show, and order a steak just by taking off her top. You try unbuttoning your shirt at the Four Seasons and see how far that gets you. You, sir, are no Miranda Kerr.
Here’s Miranda dancing around with Terry Richardson who gay-pretends himself into more quality tail than almost any man on the planet.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson
By Travis December 13, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
Newly-single 30-year old Miranda Kerr attended the opening of 73-year old Roberto Cavalli’s new store in New York City last night, and it seems that the old man still has some moves left in his creep tank. Roberto took every chance he could get to pose for pictures with Miranda while groping and kissing her throughout the evening, and can you blame him? Hell, I’d be disappointed in the old bastard if he didn’t at least shout, “Oh no, my hip!” and try holding himself up with her tits one time during the event. Maybe even later, as the night wound down, he could have pretended to cry over the memory of an old love, and when Miranda asked if he was okay, he’d respond, “Nothing a little ass play can’t fix.”
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex December 11, 2013 @ 1:41 PM
It’s always awkward to try and figure out who is and is not available, between divorces, broken relationships, on-again off-again shit. Men are always available, but for women it can be quite confusing. I’d recommend topless pictures. Nothing says I’m looking to date again like a sending out a holiday card with your tits on it. Hey, look, Ashley got her nipples pierced. I wonder if she’s available for a cup of coffee. Why, of course she is.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar Australia
By Lex November 27, 2013 @ 2:23 PM
I predict that Miranda Kerr comes up aces with the next stage of her life. Some girls lose their husband and their job in the same year and they fall to piece. Those girls don’t look Miranda Kerr. They probably wear normal size bikinis too.
Photo Credit: I-D Magazine
By Travis November 20, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
At some point after last night’s Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe Launch Party in Playa Vista, California, newly-single model Miranda Kerr ran into Miley Cyrus, and the two let fashion photographer Mert Alas take a quick close-up picture of them. Normally, I’d wonder something truly important and intellectual like whether or not this is the company that Miranda is going to keep now that she and Orlando Bloom are divorcing, but where the fuck are Miley’s eyebrows? If this leads to millions of stupid girls across the world taking up the alopecia look as “fashion,” we’re really going to have to start considering and taking the idea of mass sterilization more seriously.
Photo Credit: Miranda Kerr/Instagram