By Travis December 13, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
Newly-single 30-year old Miranda Kerr attended the opening of 73-year old Roberto Cavalli’s new store in New York City last night, and it seems that the old man still has some moves left in his creep tank. Roberto took every chance he could get to pose for pictures with Miranda while groping and kissing her throughout the evening, and can you blame him? Hell, I’d be disappointed in the old bastard if he didn’t at least shout, “Oh no, my hip!” and try holding himself up with her tits one time during the event. Maybe even later, as the night wound down, he could have pretended to cry over the memory of an old love, and when Miranda asked if he was okay, he’d respond, “Nothing a little ass play can’t fix.”
Photo Credits: Getty
By Lex December 11, 2013 @ 1:41 PM
It’s always awkward to try and figure out who is and is not available, between divorces, broken relationships, on-again off-again shit. Men are always available, but for women it can be quite confusing. I’d recommend topless pictures. Nothing says I’m looking to date again like a sending out a holiday card with your tits on it. Hey, look, Ashley got her nipples pierced. I wonder if she’s available for a cup of coffee. Why, of course she is.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson/Harper’s Bazaar Australia
By Lex November 27, 2013 @ 2:23 PM
I predict that Miranda Kerr comes up aces with the next stage of her life. Some girls lose their husband and their job in the same year and they fall to piece. Those girls don’t look Miranda Kerr. They probably wear normal size bikinis too.
Photo Credit: I-D Magazine
By Travis November 20, 2013 @ 12:00 PM
At some point after last night’s Jaguar F-TYPE Coupe Launch Party in Playa Vista, California, newly-single model Miranda Kerr ran into Miley Cyrus, and the two let fashion photographer Mert Alas take a quick close-up picture of them. Normally, I’d wonder something truly important and intellectual like whether or not this is the company that Miranda is going to keep now that she and Orlando Bloom are divorcing, but where the fuck are Miley’s eyebrows? If this leads to millions of stupid girls across the world taking up the alopecia look as “fashion,” we’re really going to have to start considering and taking the idea of mass sterilization more seriously.
Photo Credit: Miranda Kerr/Instagram
By Lex October 25, 2013 @ 2:57 PM
“After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation. Despite this being the end of their marriage, they love, support and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.” — a joint bullshit statement from Miranda and Orlando.
Three years might be a record for a celebrity marriage. Except the ones where the dude is on the down low, those seem to go on forever. Trust me, I sent a 20th anniversary gift to John and Kelly a couple years ago. Marrying a supermodel, how long can that really last? One day you’re starring in the Pirates of the Caribbean and models are trying desperately to hang out with you in VIP rooms of nightclubs, the next day you’re some off-Broadway cuckold riding a motorscooter around Soho trying to figure out who your wife is banging behind your back. That’s got to feel like you just slipped through the cloud in heaven and fell into the sulfur pits. I pity the fool.
Photo Credit: Kora Organics
By Travis October 15, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Now that she has a lot of free time since her split with Victoria’s Secret, Miranda Kerr’s mornings are wide open for yoga, which I’m sure is very important to her Buddhist beliefs. It’s also pretty important to my beliefs, which are simply staring at women in tight yoga pants and tops while trying to use my brain power to make the clothes completely vanish. Sure, it sounds like a juvenile and misogynistic waste of time, but with the government still shut down, I can’t continue practicing my other belief of calling every politician a vapid, worthless shit stain. So thanks, Miranda, for giving me something to work toward each day.
Photo Credit: Miranda Kerr’s Instagram