Miss Colorado made history at the Miss America pageant over the weekend when for her talent portion of the contest she came out dressed in scrubs and made up a story about an Alzheimer patient she cared for in the hospital. Joe. He would frequently call Miss Colorado into his room late at night and quite lucidly ask her to reach up for the gauze on the very top shelf. You sly silver fox. Miss Colorado couldn’t actually change his bandages since she’s that kind of nurse that looks hot in scrubs but the risk management department quietly tells the real nurses not to let do or touch anything. The monologue was moving. But being a tall blond hot nurse is not a talent unless you’re getting boned by a doctor with a ponytail and everybody’s proof of age is being kept on file at a Mailboxes, Etc in Florida. Bring back the batons. Nice flight attendant wave. Next.
A Pennsylvania high schooler named Patrick Farves was suspended for three days last week after he defied orders and carried out a plan to ask Miss America Nina Davuluri to his prom during her speech at the school. According to the local paper, Patrick has a reputation for such convoluted stunts and cries for attention, so the Central York High School officials found out it was coming and issued the warning to him in advance. He knew the risk but still desperately wanted to be the cool kid, and now he’s the focus of a really fucking stupid national debate about whether or not he should have been suspended.
The answer to the argument is, of course, “Who honestly cares if he had to sit in the bad kids room at school for three days all because some old people don’t have a sense of humor about his tired, unoriginal antics?” There are plenty of worse things that he could have done to become a headline, and I think that’s why Nina issued this statement in his defense.
“On Thursday, a student invited me to prom and gave me a flower while I was giving a presentation in York, Pennsylvania. I was flattered by the gesture although I am unfortunately unable to attend due to my travel schedule. I later learned of the disciplinary action taken and reached out to the school in hopes that they will reconsider their decision.”
Thanks for the input, Nina, but the fact still remains that every male high school student who thinks it’s original, cute or clever to ask a famous woman to prom should be suspended for at least a week from here on out.
The Miss America pageant was held Saturday night in Las Vegas. Apparently. This is all news to me, but the winner was 22-year-old Katie Stam from Indiana, and she’s kind of hot. Which is more like it. That’s how they should decide this, instead of giving it to some homely girl with good grades because she makes teddy bears for retarded kids or brings a dog to the elderly so they can pet it. American pride is at stake. It should be based purely on looks, the same way I chose my mail order bride from Korea.