Monica Lewinsky Is Finally Speaking

By Lex May 06, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Monica-Lewinsky-in-Vanity-Fair

If you’re like me, you’ve been waiting patiently for sixteen years to hear the chubby intern speak. Who could believe the day would arrive when we can finally hear from the doughy minx who blew her boss.

I’ve decided, finally, to stick my head above the parapet so that I can take back my narrative and give a purpose to my past.

Well, that’s the worst beginning to a tawdry office sex story I’ve ever heard. Is this a real castle we’re talking about or the soft-cardboard block kind your parents put in your room and assured you would protect you from Hillary’s nipple lasers? Still, who can deny the star fucker a chance to take back her narrative. Who among us can say we didn’t gobble the cock of the wrong married man in our 20′s? You may cast the first stones.

Sure, my boss took advantage of me, but I will always remain firm on this point: it was a consensual relationship.

Huh? There goes thirty years of hard fought smelly feminism. Way to go, blue dress.

The Clinton administration, the special prosecutor’s minions, the political operatives on both sides of the aisle, and the media were able to brand me. And that brand stuck, in part because it was imbued with power.

It was also imbued with images of a dirty old man ramming his cigar up your sweaty twat. Marilyn Monroe managed to bang the married President without being branded anything other than a hot movie star. I guess there was less imbuing of power back in the early 60′s.

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Monica Lewinsky Lingerie Up for Auction

By Lex June 26, 2013 @ 9:43 AM

The entire Clinton sex scandal could’ve been bypassed if Clinton had just  nailed a good looking woman. You cigar bang a then 20-something Angelina Jolie or maybe a Cameron Diaz and outside of a few whack jobs, every dude in the world is thinking, yeah, I know, me too. Hall pass. But he didn’t. He played kinky bedroom games with a chubby intern who was President of her soap opera fan club. That thong-snapping roly-poly was so damn irresistible, her former high school teacher was mounting her too around the same time. That’s fucking romantic. When the sex police came after Clinton, they grabbed up a whole bunch of shit Lewinsky had gifted to her high school teacher and his unwitting wife. Now the wife is selling all the confiscated evidence. Including Monica’s negligee. Which somebody is going to pay tens of thousands of dollars to possess. Probably Clinton himself. Slowly draw on one last whiff of his chubby play buddy. He really should’ve plowed somebody hot.