Morrissey Airport Security Sex Tape Selling Well (VIDEO)

By Lex October 09, 2015 @ 8:22 AM

Sometime during Morrissey’s endless list of verbalized complaints about topics ranging from mushy peas to fair eco-trade practices in Sub-Saharan Africa, he spit out being manhandled in the junk zone by a TSA agent at the San Francisco Airport. If you listened to Morrissey’s side of the story, it read like a Burning Bed rape story where he was subdued and sodomized in the name of keeping not moderate Arabs from blowing shit up again. He relished recounting the story as it contained all his favorite subjects: his victimization and men fondling other men’s balls. He even noted he had legal action pending.

The video is out now. As much as it’s easy to hate airport security and TSA because they are incompetent boobs who steal your shit and finger fuck your grandmother and have yet to stop a single fanatical Muslim from boarding a plane because they’re not really even allowed to, this doesn’t look like the gladiator rape Morrissey’s been promising us through use of molestation puppet re-creation.

Does the occasional male TSA agent take the opportunity provided him to reach-around men he finds alluring and give a little pecker squeeze for Uncle Sam? Absolutely. That and seventeen union mandated meal and relief breaks during six hour shifts is the only real perk of the job. If Morrissey has to get an unrequested handy for the rest of us to know we’re getting to Denver alive, so be it. It sucks to be Anglo handsome and famous and sexually undeclared. Next time, bring a fake wife. It’s San Francisco, Steven.

Morrissey Groped By Airport Security

By Matt July 31, 2015 @ 6:30 AM


Morrissey claims a TSA agent at the San Francisco International Airport grabbed his dick while frisking him, although it’s unclear why he had a boner or specifically requested Chad. He proceeded to write a blog about the ordeal while mascara ran down his face. To be fair he was carrying several fertilizer bombs on his way to find that lion killer in Minnesota. Americans are so uptight:

“Before I could gather my belongings from the usual array of trays I was approached by an ‘airport security officer’ who stopped me, crouched before me and groped my penis and testicles… Should you find yourself traveling through San Francisco International Airport, you should expect sexual abuse from the so-called ‘security officers’ who, we are unconvincingly warned, are acting only for our security.”

It’s not like the TSA goes down to the Castro and finds fun boys passed out on the sidewalk from a ketamine comedown and straps vests on them for the day like it’s Labor Ready. Airport Security people are exceedingly retarded but they’re not working for free personal pans at the Godfather’s. There’s still a modicum of professionalism. Everyone knows they jerk off to the body scans of the volleyball team but we’re talking about a sixty year old corpse who never shuts the fuck up. Maybe it’s possible. I just never trust people who need a problem to function. Why do your balls have paws? Sir are you smuggling gerbils?

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Morrissey Is Dying, Just Not Fast Enough

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 1:19 PM


To his list of ongoing ailments and maladies, vegetarian activist and occasional singer Morrissey told the people of Spain he has recently had cancer scrapings. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I know I’m skipping that particular platter at the Home Town Buffet. As always, the former Smiths singer was able to sum up his feelings in a brief bit of seemingly bad-ass, but ultimately emo martyr type phrasing:

I have had four cancer-scrapings, but so what. If I die, I die. If I don’t, then I don’t

He’s far more verbose when comparing meat eaters to insidious evil rapists and genocidal demons. Never has Morrissey conceded that omitting animal flesh from his diet since the age of fourteen might be the actual cause of his never-ending maladies. Or maybe God just has a wicked sense of humor for those who forsake Genesis.

I know I look quite bad on recent photographs, but I am afraid this is what illness does to the overall countenance. I will save relaxation for when I’m dead.

Dammit, Morrissey, stop being so fucking vegan-awesome. He’s like a superhero who cries a lot and has remarkably regular bowel movements. If I had a whiny self-righteous bisexual son, I’d want him to grow up to be just like Morrissey.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Morrissey Will Only Hurt Humans

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 6:14 AM


Morrissey’s ex bodyguard Bradley Steyn is suing the British singer because he claims Morrissey pushed him to kick some guy’s ass. That guy was running a fan site about Morrissey which provided some personal details of Morrissey’s life, like how he cuddles with sprouted tofu and has no penis. Steyn claims Morrissey asked if there was a way the guy ‘could get hurt.’ That is usually a euphemism for physical violence but since Morrissey has the emotional strength of a nine year old Swedish child he may have just wanted Steyn to ‘hurt’ his feelings by telling him he had buck teeth.

Steyn claims Morrissey’s tour manager asked if he could kill the guy right in front of Morrissey, who had previously tried summoning the animals of the ancient forest to no avail. Steyn said he was not a killer and being Morrissey’s bodyguard was work enough, since even the slightest bit of physical contact would leave Morrissey with a bruise the size of a free trade rutabaga. The lawsuit sounds pretty bogus. Vegans don’t actually order hits on bloggers even when the anemic shakes leave them semi-coherent. Morrissey is more likely to write an eleven minute ballad about sobbing deer than he is use the word murder in a sentence. ‘d say Steyn gets $25K to go away and we get a fun story about an annoying dick. Everybody wins.


enough, although it would not be surprising to learn Morrissey is overly vindictive and prone to dramatic flights of fantasy because he is a bitch on his period.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Morrissey Get Sick Pretty Easy

By Matt June 20, 2014 @ 10:47 AM

Morrissey Whining

Morrissey cancelled the remainder of his U.S. tour,  blaming his opening act for getting him sick:

“Difficulties had arisen on May 31st following Kristeen Young’s opening set at the Miami Knight Concert Hall, after which Kristeen confessed to ‘a horrendous cold’, the symptoms of which were passed on to Morrissey resulting in the cancellation of the next show in Atlanta.”

Like many vegetarians, Morrissey is a farmers market shopping tool prone to bouts of childhood like illness. I don’t mean like the whooping cough and tuberculosis that Jenny McCarthy and hordes of undocumented immigrants have helped bring back to the U.S., I mean like runny noses and tummy aches.

Kristeen Young claims that in addition to Morrissey being a whining Nancy emo twat, he’s also a liar:

“Ok. Regarding the recent True-to-you statement from Morrissey: I did not ‘confess to a horrendous cold’. On Monday, June 2nd, I had an allergy attack that was over within 16 hours.”

It could take years and several more depressing Morrissey albums to get to the bottom of this bitchy battle. The most important thing is that the Morrissey get back to making music because people who hate their suburban parents need a soundtrack to their lives. As for Kristeen, if you spelled your name any other way, I might take your side.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Morrissey Does Vegan Douchery Like No Other

By Michael January 07, 2014 @ 3:00 PM

Morrissey is back with more of his pussy vegan nonsense. This time he equated meat eating with pedophilia. Yes. The wussy singer was having a Q&A with a fan site called True To You when the subject of Morrissey’s eating like a deer came up. Or, more likely, he brought it up because he won’t fucking shut up about it. He said,

“I see no difference between eating animals and paedophilia. They are both rape, violence, murder. If you believe in the abattoir then you would support Auschwitz.”

Wow, comparing meat eaters to Nazis and pedophiles in one short quote. Even for Internet discussions that’s pretty impressive. I could have perhaps lived with Morrissey’s self-righteous hyperbole’s if he hadn’t made me go look up a fancy word like ‘abattoir’. People who go around calling everybody pedos and Nazis and racists and such deserved to be ignored. People who use obscure words need to be put down and eaten like yummy fucking cattle.