Morrissey Is Dying, Just Not Fast Enough

By Lex October 10, 2014 @ 1:19 PM


To his list of ongoing ailments and maladies, vegetarian activist and occasional singer Morrissey told the people of Spain he has recently had cancer scrapings. I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I know I’m skipping that particular platter at the Home Town Buffet. As always, the former Smiths singer was able to sum up his feelings in a brief bit of seemingly bad-ass, but ultimately emo martyr type phrasing:

I have had four cancer-scrapings, but so what. If I die, I die. If I don’t, then I don’t

He’s far more verbose when comparing meat eaters to insidious evil rapists and genocidal demons. Never has Morrissey conceded that omitting animal flesh from his diet since the age of fourteen might be the actual cause of his never-ending maladies. Or maybe God just has a wicked sense of humor for those who forsake Genesis.

I know I look quite bad on recent photographs, but I am afraid this is what illness does to the overall countenance. I will save relaxation for when I’m dead.

Dammit, Morrissey, stop being so fucking vegan-awesome. He’s like a superhero who cries a lot and has remarkably regular bowel movements. If I had a whiny self-righteous bisexual son, I’d want him to grow up to be just like Morrissey.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Morrissey Will Only Hurt Humans

By Matt July 31, 2014 @ 6:14 AM


Morrissey’s ex bodyguard Bradley Steyn is suing the British singer because he claims Morrissey pushed him to kick some guy’s ass. That guy was running a fan site about Morrissey which provided some personal details of Morrissey’s life, like how he cuddles with sprouted tofu and has no penis. Steyn claims Morrissey asked if there was a way the guy ‘could get hurt.’ That is usually a euphemism for physical violence but since Morrissey has the emotional strength of a nine year old Swedish child he may have just wanted Steyn to ‘hurt’ his feelings by telling him he had buck teeth.

Steyn claims Morrissey’s tour manager asked if he could kill the guy right in front of Morrissey, who had previously tried summoning the animals of the ancient forest to no avail. Steyn said he was not a killer and being Morrissey’s bodyguard was work enough, since even the slightest bit of physical contact would leave Morrissey with a bruise the size of a free trade rutabaga. The lawsuit sounds pretty bogus. Vegans don’t actually order hits on bloggers even when the anemic shakes leave them semi-coherent. Morrissey is more likely to write an eleven minute ballad about sobbing deer than he is use the word murder in a sentence. ‘d say Steyn gets $25K to go away and we get a fun story about an annoying dick. Everybody wins.


enough, although it would not be surprising to learn Morrissey is overly vindictive and prone to dramatic flights of fantasy because he is a bitch on his period.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Morrissey Get Sick Pretty Easy

By Matt June 20, 2014 @ 10:47 AM

Morrissey Whining

Morrissey cancelled the remainder of his U.S. tour,  blaming his opening act for getting him sick:

“Difficulties had arisen on May 31st following Kristeen Young’s opening set at the Miami Knight Concert Hall, after which Kristeen confessed to ‘a horrendous cold’, the symptoms of which were passed on to Morrissey resulting in the cancellation of the next show in Atlanta.”

Like many vegetarians, Morrissey is a farmers market shopping tool prone to bouts of childhood like illness. I don’t mean like the whooping cough and tuberculosis that Jenny McCarthy and hordes of undocumented immigrants have helped bring back to the U.S., I mean like runny noses and tummy aches.

Kristeen Young claims that in addition to Morrissey being a whining Nancy emo twat, he’s also a liar:

“Ok. Regarding the recent True-to-you statement from Morrissey: I did not ‘confess to a horrendous cold’. On Monday, June 2nd, I had an allergy attack that was over within 16 hours.”

It could take years and several more depressing Morrissey albums to get to the bottom of this bitchy battle. The most important thing is that the Morrissey get back to making music because people who hate their suburban parents need a soundtrack to their lives. As for Kristeen, if you spelled your name any other way, I might take your side.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Morrissey Does Vegan Douchery Like No Other

By Jack January 07, 2014 @ 3:00 PM

Morrissey is back with more of his pussy vegan nonsense. This time he equated meat eating with pedophilia. Yes. The wussy singer was having a Q&A with a fan site called True To You when the subject of Morrissey’s eating like a deer came up. Or, more likely, he brought it up because he won’t fucking shut up about it. He said,

“I see no difference between eating animals and paedophilia. They are both rape, violence, murder. If you believe in the abattoir then you would support Auschwitz.”

Wow, comparing meat eaters to Nazis and pedophiles in one short quote. Even for Internet discussions that’s pretty impressive. I could have perhaps lived with Morrissey’s self-righteous hyperbole’s if he hadn’t made me go look up a fancy word like ‘abattoir’. People who go around calling everybody pedos and Nazis and racists and such deserved to be ignored. People who use obscure words need to be put down and eaten like yummy fucking cattle.

Morrissey Couldn’t Wait To Piss On Margaret Thatcher’s Grave

By Travis April 09, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher passed away yesterday at the age of 87 after suffering a stroke in her hotel room, and singer Morrissey couldn’t wait to let the world know how much he hated this specific dead woman. In a brief essay for The Daily Beast, the man who penned “Margaret on the Guillotine” told us how he really feels, including this damning excerpt:

Thatcher will only be fondly remembered by sentimentalists who did not suffer under her leadership, but the majority of British working people have forgotten her already, and the people of Argentina will be celebrating her death. As a matter of recorded fact, Thatcher was a terror without an atom of humanity.

Unfortunately, word count restrictions forced Morrissey to leave out: “But she gave an amazing blowjob.”

Every move she made was charged by negativity; she destroyed the British manufacturing industry, she hated the miners, she hated the arts, she hated the Irish Freedom Fighters and allowed them to die, she hated the English poor and did nothing at all to help them, she hated Greenpeace and environmental protectionists, she was the only European political leader who opposed a ban on the ivory trade, she had no wit and no warmth and even her own cabinet booted her out. She gave the order to blow up The Belgrano even though it was outside of the Malvinas Exclusion Zone—and was sailing AWAY from the islands! When the young Argentinean boys aboard The Belgrano had suffered a most appalling and unjust death, Thatcher gave the thumbs-up sign for the British press.

Iron? No. Barbaric? Yes. She hated feminists even though it was largely due to the progression of the women’s movement that the British people allowed themselves to accept that a prime minister could actually be female. But because of Thatcher, there will never again be another woman in power in British politics, and rather than opening that particular door for other women, she closed it.

Thatcher will only be fondly remembered by sentimentalists who did not suffer under her leadership, but the majority of British working people have forgotten her already, and the people of Argentina will be celebrating her death. As a matter of recorded fact, Thatcher was a terror without an atom of humanity.


Morrissey Still An Obnoxious Pussy

By Jack February 28, 2013 @ 6:11 PM

Wussy singer Morrissey cancelled his appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Why? Because he was going to have to share the stage with the yokel superstars from Duck Dynasty. Morrissey is one of those radical vegetarian animal rights guys. The bearded rednecks from Duck Dynasty make duck hunting equipment and the Ex-Smiths singer decided that was too much for him. He called them “Animal serial killers“.

While I could honestly give a flying rat fuck whether or not this mincing limey is on TV, I am pretty sick of these broccoli munchers enforcing their morality on the rest of us. I eat meat. Why? Because it’s fucking delicious and it’s allowed us humans to develop bigger brains than our grass cud chewing competition.

If you want to live off of organic steamed kale, that’s your business. I’m going to eat a chunk of cow that died screaming. If Morissey doesn’t like it, he can come and stop me. Oh wait, he’s too weak from anemia.