‘War Horse’ has a new full length trailer out today (HD copies here), and I just want to say once again that Steven Speilberg can go fuck himself. I’ll admit that this worked on me but only because I’m a malleable simpleton, not because it’s a good movie. Here’s the plot:
ACT 1: A boy has a horse that he loves very much. ACT 2: Speilberg spends 2 hours threatening to kill it. ACT 3: He doesn’t. Or maybe he does. “Ooo, look, I’m taking the audience on an emotional roller coaster.” No, you’re not. You’re just a manipulative dick.
I bet there was only one storyboard to map out this entire movie and it looked like this. That’s supposed to be an Academy Award in Spielbergs hand, by the way, but I can’t draw so it sorta looks like the NBA trophy or a butt plug, which may or may not be a part of Hollywood pitch meetings for all I know. Also you could argue that it wasn’t necessary to include a Star of David on his hat. Things got a little bigoted there at the end.
A few years ago of course, Hasbro tricked Universal into a deal to make movies based on thier toys. Except for Transformers and GI Joe, which already had deals with Paramount. In other words, except for the only two toys that could be turned into movies. That left Universal with Monopoly, Candyland, Clue, Ouija, Magic: The Gathering, Stretch Armstrong and… this. Battleship.
So they made a battleship movie. With aliens.
They have fucking aliens in it.
Instead of making a World War II movie about battleships, maybe one about Leyte Gulf, the largest naval battle in the history of the world, which had like 30 battleships in it, they made this.
A modern day battleship movie. With aliens.
Um, just in case you’re a girl, the US Navy hasn’t had a battleship in its fleet for like 20 years. The big money shot at the end? This? That’s an Iowa class battleship. We don’t have those anymore. Battleships aren’t even listed on the Navys inventory anymore. They were torn apart for scrap metal. 5 or 6 are still around as memorials, but they couldn’t fire any more than they could have a giant helicopter blade come out of the top and fly away. This would be like if they made ‘Top Gun’ today, and everyone had a Raptor except for Tom Cruise, who had a white scarf and leather helmet and flew a bi-plane.
Some dickhead bloggers already ruined the surprise, but the teaser trailer for the Spider-Man reboot is officially online today, and while I still don’t understand why we have to once again sit through the origin story that everyone already knows (*), seeing the final 30 seconds, when it kicks into POV mode, in full screen 1080, it already looks better than anything in the previous 3 movies. Then again, those movies had Kirsten Dunst in them, so I could say the same thing about my toilet.
(*) this is exactly why David Fincher passed on directing the first ‘Spider-Man’ movie in 1999: “But I wasn’t interested in the genesis, I just couldn’t shoot somebody being bitten by a radioactive spider – just couldn’t sleep knowing I’d done that.” Oh, but I think the article is mistaken and Wes Bentley from ‘American Beauty’ was his choice to play Peter Parker, not Ed Norton. This was really fascinating, wasn’t it?
‘Moneyball’ is a baseball drama starring Brad Pitt, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jonah Hill, from the director of ‘Capote’. Sony Pictures describes it like this…
Based on a true story, Moneyball is a movie for anybody who has ever dreamed of taking on the system.
Brad Pitt stars as Billy Beane, the general manager of the Oakland A’s and the guy who assembles the team, who has an epiphany: all of baseball’s conventional wisdom is wrong.
Forced to reinvent his team on a tight budget, Beane will have to outsmart the richer clubs.
That’s right. This guy broke all the rules and created a new system so a small market team like Oakland could beat dynasties like New York and Boston in a sport with no salary cap.
Except that he didn’t create it, the system is called sabermetrics and has been around since the 1980’s, and he didn’t implement it in Oakland, his predecessor did (the Jonah Hill character doesn’t exist), and during his 13 years as GM the A’s have never won the American League much less a World Series. In fact they haven’t been above .500 in 5 years, while Tampa, who is in an even smaller market and has New York and Boston in the same fucking division, was in the Series 3 years ago. So far this season Oakland is last in their division, with the second worst record in the American League.
So this movie tells the story of how the worlds most boring sport added math to create a system that doesn’t work. Holy shit, can I go stand in line now?
(be sure to note the meeting with the A’s scouts, who are all depicted as being in their 200’s. Yeah movie, we fuckin get it, it’s New vs. Old. You didn’t have to literally show that. Let me guess, their names are stuff like Stan Still, Theo Oldway and Tommy Noblacks. I hope everyones bifocals and VCR-sized hearing aids aren’t too subtle. Maybe they should re-shoot this scene and have them holding giant horns up to their ears. Would these be the same scouts who drafted the American League Rookie of the Year back to back to back just 10 years earlier? Why not 4 years in a row? Clearly they have no idea what they’re doing.)
EVA LONGORIA – has finally put an end to 30 hours of rumors and filed for divorce from Tony Parker, essentially ending their 3 year marriage. Who know pro athletes liked to sleep around? Not me! (e!)
COWBOYS AND ALIENS – has a badass teaser trailer out today, starring James Bond and Indiana Jones. By the end you think maybe the aliens should have started with Cody Banks and Rick O’Connell and gotten a little practice first. (yahoo)
CARLY FOULKES – is the tmobile mytouch 4g girl, and I mention that because this is what we do now. We stalk hot girls from commercials liberate deserving young actresses from the shackles of anonymity!
SALVATORE GIUNTA – was awarded the Medal of Honor today, the first living recipient in almost 40 years. The LA Times has a transcript of the Presidents speech here, and Giunta has a twitter page here (update – maybe just go to the US Army page for now), so if you wanted to say something to an actual hero, that might be a good place. Moving right along…
DEMI LOVATO – hopes to get out of rehab (for cutting) and back home before Thanksgiving. A good test would be to have her carve the turkey, and if she starts crying while going back and forth over one drumstick for five minutes, you know she left too soon. (e!)
RED RIDING HOOD – is a new movie from the director of Twilight, and it’s about exactly what you think it’s about, and here’s the first trailer. My favorite part was when it ended! (apple)
MEGAN FOX – is so pretty she doesn’t need to wear makeup and she can still look fantastic. Here she is running some errands today in Beverly Hills, perhaps to complete the Kim Possible outfit that she started. (flynet)