the top 10 stories of 2009

By brendon January 01, 2010 @ 12:50 PM

10. KELLY BROOK IS PHOTOGENIC - this picture was the topic of some heated debate around the office while making the Top 100 list, with many feeling it should be the number 1 story of the year. Of course I’m the only one who works here, so it was mostly my penis taking a stand. Eventually we agreed on the Top 10. That’s the price of leadership. (May 20th)

9. PAULA ABDUL GOT FIRED FROM AMERICAN IDOL – because she was demanding a raise from 5 million to 20 million dollars a year. When they finished laughing several days later, the producers hired Ellen DeGeneres. Of course they could have trained a monkey to whack off in the corner and it still would have been more insightful than anything Paula had to say. Seacrest could say, “Thanks Simon, that’s a good point. What about you Masturbating Monkey, what did you think?” And they could cut to the monkey in the corner jacking off. They just have to be sure to not accidentally pan to Randy Jackson. I have to believe the NCAAP would have something to say about that. (August 5th)

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morning headlines

By brendon March 23, 2009 @ 3:00 AM

BOX OFFICE – “Knowing” beat “I Love You Man” and “Duplicity” to open at number one this weekend.  They made 24.8, 18 and 14.4 million.  It’s thought “Love” was hurt by the NCAA basketball tournament, because they share a similar audience, whereas optimistic Nic Cage fans are stuck in 2002, and the winner of that NCAA tournament has already been decided.  (la times)

PARIS HILTON – she’s reportedly giving up drinking and even picked out a room as a nursery, all part of her plan to have kids.  Presumably with Doug Reinhardt, who some say is ready to propose after dating her for one month.  That hissing popping sound you hear right now is a robot arriving from the future, sent back to kill her, save us.  (source = sun uk and insider)

NATASHA RICHARDSON – it was appropriately cold, dark and gloomy as Natasha was laid to rest yesterday in upstate New York.  Ralph Fiennes (Voldemort), Timothy Dalton, Uma Thurman, Meryl Streep, Holly Hunter and Alan Rickman (Snape) were a few to pay their respects.  Is this a bad time to ask when Uma get so fat?   (source = splash and pacific coast)

saturday headlines

By brendon March 21, 2009 @ 8:31 AM

METALLICA – in a club that held little more than two thousand people. Metallica played a surprise one-hour show at the SXSW festival in Austin last night.  Lead singer James Hetfield said, "Here is the grass roots. Here is the basis of why we like music. Artists getting up in front of 2,100 people and giving it what they got."  And don't forget Austin’s fabulous shopping!  (source = ap)

NATASHA RICHARDSON – Liam Neeson, her mom Vanessa Redgrave and her sister, Joely Richardson of “Nip/Tuck”, held a wake last night in NYC.  A few hours earlier, more than 50 theaters across London's West End dimmed their lights to remember her.  The day before, Broadway had done the same.  She will be buried Sunday.  (source = BBC)

OLGA KURYLENKO -  these modeling pictures of actress Olga Kurylenko aren’t really relevant to anything, in fact they’re from 2004, but I don’t see girls in lingerie very much, so this is nice.  Normally when I stick it to some hot supermodel, they’re pretty excited so they get naked right away, and when we’re done I don’t really wait around.  They usually leave the money in an envelope by the door so I just head out.

oh good, it gets worse

By brendon March 20, 2009 @ 12:17 PM

A number of questions are beginning to surface concerning Natasha Richardson and the care she received in the hours leading to her death.  Hey look, an easy to read timeline that explains what I mean but took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out and do:

12:30pm (roughly): Natasha falls on what the resort describes as “soft, wet snow”.  They say, “It was right in the middle of the slope so she didn't hit anyone or a tree … It wasn't a violent fall at all.”
12:43pm: ambulance company records say this is when the first call came in concerning Natasha.  The resort says she isn’t asking for a ambulance but they insist.  I guess because she didn’t hit anything when she fell on soft wet snow, nature’s most lethal predator.  
1:00pm: ambulance arrives but is turned away, told Natasha doesn’t want a doctor.  The resort says she is “laughing” and “walking”.  The paramedics say she’s lying on a stretcher.   
2:00pm: according to the resort, Natasha was taken by ambulance to the local hospital complaining of a headache.
3:00pm: huge discrepancy here, the ambulance company says this, 3:00pm, is when they get the second call to treat Natasha.  According to the resort, she left in a phantom ambulance an hour earlier.  
3:09pm: the ambulance (the real one) arrives, attends to Natasha.
3:42pm: ambulance leaves the resort.
4:15pm: arrives at St. Agathe hospitol
5:00pm: Natasha is prepped to transfer to a specialized trauma center in Montreal.  
6:00pm: Natasha leaves for Montreal.
7:00pm: arrives at Montreal's Sacré-Coeur Hospital.

Later that night she was declared by the doctors in Montreal.  Yesterday her death was ruled an accident resulting from blunt trauma to the head (“soft, wet snow”).  The New York Times explains why the delay is such a big deal:

Brain surgeon Dr. David J. Langer said that a clot can develop from the bleeding following such a trauma. He added that if a patient undergoes surgery — ideally within an hour of the injury — to relieve the pressure, remove the clot and stop the bleeding, the patient can recover.  “It can be quite dramatic.  It’s one of the most acute neurological emergencies. It’s one of the few times where it’s life or death, where you can truly save somebody’s life, or they die if you don’t get to them.”

Now to the Aussie doctor who pioneered the research in this field, just to make things worse:

“…once diagnosed, the treatment would have been relatively straightforward surgery: a section of skull would be removed, allowing the clot to be extracted and the bleeding stemmed, relieving pressure on the brain.  The operation can be done by a general surgeon or even in some instances by a general practitioner.”

I keep coming back to the part where the resort says she was “laughing and walking off her injury” and the paramedics say she was “sitting on a stretcher”.  I don’t mean to nitpick but those two things aren’t very similar at all.  Someone appears to be lying.  Oh that’s right.  I’m on to you Canadian Resort.  You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool me.

(the timeline is from the nyt and the globe and mail.  statements attributed to the resort are from the daily news and the canadian.  aussie doctor quote is from the australian.)

morning headlines

By brendon March 20, 2009 @ 7:27 AM

PRESIDENT OBAMA – the President has formally apologized for a joke he made on “the Tonight Show” last night (video), when he compared his bowling to “the Special Olympics or something.”  Although in his apology he said, “at least you guys play sports instead of faggin off in some musical or something”.  How does that help?  (source = abc news)

MADONNA – some people say Madonna is a mean bitch.  You might call her boyfriend and ask his opinion but he’s not allowed to answer. “She told him it was rude for him to take a phone call in front of her … they had quite a heated argument.  Madonna agreed to let him answer when she’s around, but only in emergencies.”   This would be a reasonable compromise, except that many older phones convey the callers message only after the call has been answered, as opposed to linking both parties with telekinesis while the phone is still ringing.  (source = daily mail) 

COURTENEY COX – the new sitcom “Cougartown” filmed scenes around Melrose Seal Beach yesterday, with Cox starring as a something or other who does stuff, then falls down.  Better “cougar” pictures would have been from the set of “Seduced by a Cougar” or “Cougar Town”, with lots of real cougars also running loose around Seal Beach.  (image source = pacific coast)

the first ambulance was turned away

By brendon March 19, 2009 @ 6:33 AM

Breitbart News says today that the first ambulance called to help Natasha Richardson after the fall that led to her death was turned away, presumably at her request, because at the time she showed no signs of injury.  Another ambulance was called later but by then it was too late. A separate story from the AP explains why this may have been critical.

Richardson appears to have had a period of "lucidity" between her fall and the onset of symptoms.
If she then lost consciousness, that interval would have raised a red flag for doctors.  "If they (patients) become comatose after this lucid interval, then you're on a sliding scale of who's going to wake up and who isn't going to wake up from this type of injury," Tator said. 
In other words, time is of the essence, he said.

Oh good.  Because this wasn’t tragically sad enough already.  Now we can dial the heartache up to 11 because her death was maybe possibly preventable.  At this rate the snow will melt next month and we’ll find out that when Natasha fell she landed on a bunny with big soft ears who was bringing food to her babies but she died too so the baby bunnies all starved.  And one of those baby bunnies was a magic bunny who granted wishes.