Yahoo Lied, People Died, Or Just Got Really Bored

By Lex October 27, 2015 @ 7:07 AM


Yahoo abides precisely because everybody errantly pronounces them dead. Like Jason. Or the Steelers every midseason. Yahoo partnered with the NFL over the weekend to stream the first ever pro football game online. The Jaguars versus the Bills live from London. I could add ten exclamation points and that still sounds like a matchup you’d want to export overseas. Yahoo claimed eight billion or so people watched. But in parsing the numbers, the actual was closer to five dudes trapped at UPS covering Sunday graveyard. Yahoo auto-played the game on its homepage and every channel it owns so basically anybody who visited Yahoo anywhere was counted as a viewer. Along with half of the Congo who believed they were finally getting online white chick porn. Snopes that shit, Congolese.

Ultimately we’re headed to universal streaming of NFL games for pay. Or free if you’re willing to download several malware laden executable files and your Russian is half decent. Yahoo still has the best looking CEO so they win. Pull the Yodel rope, Marissa, I try to spooge before game time.

Photo credit: Getty Images

NFL Goes Deep On Domestic Violence (VIDEO)

By Matt January 28, 2015 @ 6:06 AM

In shocking overcompensation for badly mishandling of the Ray Rice situation, the NFL will air this ad during the first quarter of the Super Bowl . It’s part of their No More campaign to stop domestic violence and its biggest enablers, such as the NFL. The spot features a lady who is scared for her life calling 911 and pretending to calmly order a pizza while her abusive partner is in the room. The operator is apparently dumber than all of us because he’s the only one who doesn’t get it. It’s not a bad work of fiction but the league might want viewers to focus on the warning signs before we get into potentially deadly fake Papa John’s call. Does your boyfriend bump Eminem in his Tahoe? Has your fiance ever mentioned in passing that Nicole deserved it? Has your husband ever injected anything into his dick while screaming Tap Out at the flatscreen? By virtue of being the NFL, the NFL has already done more to draw attention to domestic violence than any ad campaign ever could. Let’s focus on getting rid of it. We all know it exists. Just check your rosters.

NFL Pounces on Ball Deflater Scum

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 8:55 AM


According to the NFL, the New England Patriots under-pressurized balls from the AFC Championship Game were the result of a lone gunman. A locker room attendant who was seen on video tape taking the big bag of game balls and disappearing into the toilet stall for ninety seconds. There are only so many things you can do in a bathroom with twenty four fresh balls and a minute and a half, one of which apparently involves deflating a dozen pigskins to a precise measurement. You’d have to read the Sandusky diaries to cover your other options. Avoid the illustrations.

Why a locker room attendant would choose to spend years developing the skills to pull off such a superhuman feat remains a mystery. Dengue fever seems a likely culprit. Also, violent video games should never be overlooked. The NFL believe this is the same locker room attendant who swapped out all the expensive safe helmets for cheap unsafe dummy helmets that caused concussions and brain damage to the former NFL players now suing the league. It’s also possible he punched Janay Rice in the face while pretending to be Ray Rice and has intentionally mismanaged the Oakland Raiders for the past decade.  The important thing is, the NFL investigation worked, the fiend has been found, and nobody needs to ask any more questions. If you go to sleep now, the Super Bowl will come quicker. I believe.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Football Is Violent (VIDEO)

By Matt January 12, 2015 @ 7:04 AM

Apparently getting blacked out at noon and watching people spear each other can lead to violence. Especially when your team loses and the beers are three dollars. Your wife hates you. Take it out on the dude next to you wearing the wrong colors. With any luck he has a jiujitsu belt and will simply incapacitate you until Security arrives. This isn’t the 1980′s. People watch Jon Jones and know how to murder at random with their hands. That’s why you should’t get lippy. Not sure if it’s legal to strangle you with the shirt you bought at Foot Locker. We won’t get to that point since your own vomit could kill you. Nachos are amazing.

Photo Credit: 

Some Girls Are Pissed At Each Other Over Football

By Travis March 06, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

A 28-year old girl named Lauren Silberman paid $275 to kick footballs in front of some NFL scouts this weekend, because she thought that her background in college soccer qualified her to be a professional place kicker for an actual NFL team. She attempted two kicks and failed miserably, with her first kick going 19 whole yards and the second a whopping 13 yards. And like any humiliated, failed athlete, she blamed it on an injury.

Now LSU soccer player and homecoming queen Mo Isom is pissed off because she’s been busting her ass to get the kicker job for the LSU Tigers football team, and she thinks that Lauren’s awful tryout fucked it up for every girl. And she’s absolutely right.

“I trained for YEARS to kick a 53-yard field goal. To assume just because you’re a soccer player means that you can kick a football is VERY off base.”

Mo realizes … skeptics now feel vindicated, claiming Lauren has proved the NFL should be men only. And she knows … a woman now needs to kick ass to turn things around. (TMZ)

Meanwhile, there are several THOUSAND former NFL players suing the league that made them all rich for many years, because most of them have suffered enough brain damage to be declared mentally retarded. So just close your eyes and picture the feminist outrage the first time some juiced up asshole knocks Isom or some other girl on her ass.

Because you know there will be guys drooling over the chance to crush a girl player. Except Manti Te’o, obviously, because he thinks girls are icky.

(Obviously, Kathy Ireland is included because she’s the only female kicker who should ever be talked about.)