According to the NFL, the New England Patriots under-pressurized balls from the AFC Championship Game were the result of a lone gunman. A locker room attendant who was seen on video tape taking the big bag of game balls and disappearing into the toilet stall for ninety seconds. There are only so many things you can do in a bathroom with twenty four fresh balls and a minute and a half, one of which apparently involves deflating a dozen pigskins to a precise measurement. You’d have to read the Sandusky diaries to cover your other options. Avoid the illustrations.
Why a locker room attendant would choose to spend years developing the skills to pull off such a superhuman feat remains a mystery. Dengue fever seems a likely culprit. Also, violent video games should never be overlooked. The NFL believe this is the same locker room attendant who swapped out all the expensive safe helmets for cheap unsafe dummy helmets that caused concussions and brain damage to the former NFL players now suing the league. It’s also possible he punched Janay Rice in the face while pretending to be Ray Rice and has intentionally mismanaged the Oakland Raiders for the past decade. The important thing is, the NFL investigation worked, the fiend has been found, and nobody needs to ask any more questions. If you go to sleep now, the Super Bowl will come quicker. I believe.
Apparently getting blacked out at noon and watching people spear each other can lead to violence. Especially when your team loses and the beers are three dollars. Your wife hates you. Take it out on the dude next to you wearing the wrong colors. With any luck he has a jiujitsu belt and will simply incapacitate you until Security arrives. This isn’t the 1980′s. People watch Jon Jones and know how to murder at random with their hands. That’s why you should’t get lippy. Not sure if it’s legal to strangle you with the shirt you bought at Foot Locker. We won’t get to that point since your own vomit could kill you. Nachos are amazing.
A 28-year old girl named Lauren Silberman paid $275 to kick footballs in front of some NFL scouts this weekend, because she thought that her background in college soccer qualified her to be a professional place kicker for an actual NFL team. She attempted two kicks and failed miserably, with her first kick going 19 whole yards and the second a whopping 13 yards. And like any humiliated, failed athlete, she blamed it on an injury.
Now LSU soccer player and homecoming queen Mo Isom is pissed off because she’s been busting her ass to get the kicker job for the LSU Tigers football team, and she thinks that Lauren’s awful tryout fucked it up for every girl. And she’s absolutely right.
“I trained for YEARS to kick a 53-yard field goal. To assume just because you’re a soccer player means that you can kick a football is VERY off base.”
Mo realizes … skeptics now feel vindicated, claiming Lauren has proved the NFL should be men only. And she knows … a woman now needs to kick ass to turn things around. (TMZ)
Meanwhile, there are several THOUSAND former NFL players suing the league that made them all rich for many years, because most of them have suffered enough brain damage to be declared mentally retarded. So just close your eyes and picture the feminist outrage the first time some juiced up asshole knocks Isom or some other girl on her ass.
Because you know there will be guys drooling over the chance to crush a girl player. Except Manti Te’o, obviously, because he thinks girls are icky.