By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 9:33 AM
It’s unclear what Nick Cannon does well outside of boning the right women. That might just be enough in this age of gender equality. Nick Cannon is currently nailing Jessica White, the SI model with nice yabbos. Cannon has publicly denied he’s seeing anybody, because his suitcase full of Mariah Carey divorce cash has yet to be delivered. Also, he’s super busy:
I’m not dating anyone . . . I don’t have time . . . I’m trying to focus on being the best father I can possibly be, and business, we have so many things, from the book to my philanthropic efforts to all the shows and movies I’m producing.
I suppose by ‘we’ he means himself and somebody who’s actually doing those other things. Nick Cannon seems to mostly DJ and bang chicks way above his natural rank. You can’t blame a man tapped with the lucky stick for taking full advantage of his situation. It’d be admirable if he’d just lose the mustache. That’s just gloating.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Bullet Magazine
By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 10:49 AM
The island of misfit toys production of dumped spouses with very hidden talents had Nick Cannon DJing at a nightclub in Las Vegas with Amber Rose at his side. The two discussed the tribulations of being ass puppets for more successful partners and how far buffed body parts might get you in life on your own. Then they snorted a few rails and cried about their children whose names didn’t come easily. The music never stopped pumping and the base never stopped jumping. That was according to notecards turned in by nightclub guests at the end of evening. Nick Cannon’s DJ Yelp rating is climbing steadily. He should be booking more gigs. Amber Rose will be fine so long as men continue to want to get laid.
Photo Credit: INF
By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
Nick Cannon is rocking a pair of $2million dollar diamond studded shoes on America’s Got Talent, because aside from talent, America’s also got serious issues with consumerism. This stunt gives your average low physical activity viewer a chance to marvel at how truly happy Cannon must be with his leased props as they ignore their former loved ones and stuff refrigerated Taco Bell Crunchwraps into their gobs. The shoes are actually some of Cannon’s best material. Some entertainers garner attention by breaking down societal barriers or pushing the boundaries of censorship. Cannon’s attempt at edginess will feature him still being utterly boring but wearing some shoes featuring blood diamonds and an extremely obnoxious gay guy glued to some other shoes. It’s a fitting tribute to America, as viewers soak up the shiny shoes and Pizza Hut ads while being hypnotized into listening to Cannon’s contrite teleprompter reciting. Putting an evening gown on a Port Authority crack whore does not make her a respectable date, and these shoes to not obscure the fact that Nick Cannon is so mindblowingly uninteresting that million dollar shoes or suicide are the only two reasons he might be talked about.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Travis April 03, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
“Whiteface” pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he’s been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool because people already knew about them. Still, he ended up admitting that he regretted listing the famous desperate women, but that changed yesterday with Howard Stern, as he used the platform to brag about how awesome his sex life is with Mariah, whom he claims has no clue who Kim Kardashian is. This is all pretty remarkable considering the two things that people don’t really give a shit about is where Nick Cannon puts his dick and his comedy.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 25, 2014 @ 12:36 PM
Nick Cannon provided fodder for people who like to talk about anything to do with race because mimicking decades old, retread social commentary is their comfort zone. Nick donned white face for a fictional character he created called Connor Smallnut, because the first sign of inventive comedy is a silly character name. Nick posted the Connor Smallnut photo to Instagram with a whole bunch of hashtags to promote his new album, White Party People music.
“It’s official… I’m White!!! #WHITEPEOPLEPARTYMUSIC #Wppm in stores April 1st!!!!!!Dude Go Get It!!!Join The Party!!!!”
Oh, yeah, I’m exclamative about Nick’s new album. Nick thought up the entire outrageous campaign from the guest bedroom Mariah lets him use in the mansion as his ‘visionary space’. It looks like Nick really hit a home run with this satirical scheme, finally, a big back-at-you to all the folks who refer to him as Mariah Carey’s water boy. Could a water boy come up with rehashing a whiteface bit that’s only been done by Eddie Murphy, the Wayans, and a number of other black comedians for several decades now? Nay, Nick Cannon is a special kind of genius. I’m already jealous of the five people who will get to own his album. I bet Mariah lets him sit at the big boy table for a special celebratory dinner.
Photo Credit: Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey/Instagram
By Travis July 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Mariah Carey had to take an unexpected trip to the hospital last week after she fell over during the filming of the music video for her latest single “#Beautiful” (hashtag intended because she’s so hip) and injured her shoulder. Of the injury, Mariah’s personal assistant and husband, Nick Cannon, originally told the Today Show that it was really serious, in order to emphasize how brave she was for eventually returning to the set and finishing the video.
But Mariah also Tweeted this photo from the emergency room and posted the above video of her being discharged, and she was either high as a diamond-encrusted kite from all of the painkillers or she’s just the most aloof diva in the world. I’m willing to bet it’s a little of both.