By Matt September 18, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
Nick Cannon is rocking a pair of $2million dollar diamond studded shoes on America’s Got Talent, because aside from talent, America’s also got serious issues with consumerism. This stunt gives your average low physical activity viewer a chance to marvel at how truly happy Cannon must be with his leased props as they ignore their former loved ones and stuff refrigerated Taco Bell Crunchwraps into their gobs. The shoes are actually some of Cannon’s best material. Some entertainers garner attention by breaking down societal barriers or pushing the boundaries of censorship. Cannon’s attempt at edginess will feature him still being utterly boring but wearing some shoes featuring blood diamonds and an extremely obnoxious gay guy glued to some other shoes. It’s a fitting tribute to America, as viewers soak up the shiny shoes and Pizza Hut ads while being hypnotized into listening to Cannon’s contrite teleprompter reciting. Putting an evening gown on a Port Authority crack whore does not make her a respectable date, and these shoes to not obscure the fact that Nick Cannon is so mindblowingly uninteresting that million dollar shoes or suicide are the only two reasons he might be talked about.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Travis April 03, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
“Whiteface” pioneer Nick Cannon went on the Howard Stern show yesterday to talk about the nonstop shitstorm that he’s been brewing for himself, starting with his idiotic whiteface routine and leading up to his list of famous sexual conquests. Despite being married to Mariah Carey and having children with her, Nick bragged last week that he slept with, among other C-listers, Kim Kardashian, and he thought that was cool because people already knew about them. Still, he ended up admitting that he regretted listing the famous desperate women, but that changed yesterday with Howard Stern, as he used the platform to brag about how awesome his sex life is with Mariah, whom he claims has no clue who Kim Kardashian is. This is all pretty remarkable considering the two things that people don’t really give a shit about is where Nick Cannon puts his dick and his comedy.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex March 25, 2014 @ 12:36 PM
Nick Cannon provided fodder for people who like to talk about anything to do with race because mimicking decades old, retread social commentary is their comfort zone. Nick donned white face for a fictional character he created called Connor Smallnut, because the first sign of inventive comedy is a silly character name. Nick posted the Connor Smallnut photo to Instagram with a whole bunch of hashtags to promote his new album, White Party People music.
“It’s official… I’m White!!! #WHITEPEOPLEPARTYMUSIC #Wppm in stores April 1st!!!!!!Dude Go Get It!!!Join The Party!!!!”
Oh, yeah, I’m exclamative about Nick’s new album. Nick thought up the entire outrageous campaign from the guest bedroom Mariah lets him use in the mansion as his ‘visionary space’. It looks like Nick really hit a home run with this satirical scheme, finally, a big back-at-you to all the folks who refer to him as Mariah Carey’s water boy. Could a water boy come up with rehashing a whiteface bit that’s only been done by Eddie Murphy, the Wayans, and a number of other black comedians for several decades now? Nay, Nick Cannon is a special kind of genius. I’m already jealous of the five people who will get to own his album. I bet Mariah lets him sit at the big boy table for a special celebratory dinner.
Photo Credit: Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey/Instagram
By Travis July 15, 2013 @ 11:00 AM
Mariah Carey had to take an unexpected trip to the hospital last week after she fell over during the filming of the music video for her latest single “#Beautiful” (hashtag intended because she’s so hip) and injured her shoulder. Of the injury, Mariah’s personal assistant and husband, Nick Cannon, originally told the Today Show that it was really serious, in order to emphasize how brave she was for eventually returning to the set and finishing the video.
But Mariah also Tweeted this photo from the emergency room and posted the above video of her being discharged, and she was either high as a diamond-encrusted kite from all of the painkillers or she’s just the most aloof diva in the world. I’m willing to bet it’s a little of both.
By brendon February 15, 2013 @ 3:50 PM
If there was any doubt that Mariah Carey was gonna be on her twitter all last night to document that her Valentines Day was more fantastic than yours, than I guess you’ve never heard of Mariah Carey because of course she did that.
Though to be honest it looked kinda shitty and unoriginal, which is to be expected because she’s married to Nick Cannon, and Nick Cannon is a complete fucking moron.
The only good part was when her dog jumped in the tub “in hopes …. of champagne”, which either implies that the bath is filled with champagne because that’s all Mariah will bathe in or that Mariah thinks dogs have thumbs. So I know the picture makes me hate her, I just have to decide on what she meant and then adjust my hate accordingly.
By brendon February 17, 2012 @ 4:28 PM
Nick Cannon was hospitalized for the third time in three months over the weekend (the first two times for kidney failure, this time for blood clots) and today announced he will quit his weekday morning radio show. He is expected to remain as host of ‘America’s Got Talent’ when it returns this summer however, because it’s not as if he could be any worse at that than he already is.
The LA Times says…
“Under doctors’ orders, I have been asked to put my health first and cut back on some of my professional commitments in order to allow my body to get the rest that it needs to keep up with the demands of my multi-tasking schedule,” Cannon said.
“I guess I can’t drive at 200 mph for the whole road trip, Time to put the car in cruise control,” he said on Twitter, adding, “Even Super Man had to sleep!”
That’s it, that’s a perfect comparison. Having callers list their favorite cereals and saying “What do you think, Sharon?” is too much for any one man. It’s a modern day Labours of Hercules.