LINDSAY LOHAN IS DRUNK AGAIN. MAYBE - Last week, I passed on an email from some handsome stud who wrote me to say he saw Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night knocking down Long Island Iced Teas at a bar in Utah. And now, E! says kind of the same: "According to some Utah locals, Lindsay was spotted at a Park City club Friday night. And despite her two-month stint in rehab, our barwitness thought Linds looked less than refreshed." I assume that means she was drunk. Because bar + Friday + Lohan = hot drunken ass. The bad news is she's maybe drinking again. The good news is this will make it much much easier to get anal.
RICKY MARTIN GETS A STAR - The AP says that, "Ricky Martin was surrounded by hundreds of shrieking female fans as he received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame." And if this dude has hundreds of female fans, I will eat my hat. Everyone knows those stars on the street are bought and paid for by the actor/singer/whatever, right? It's not some board that votes, you just buy the damn thing. Much like you would a case of beer or prostitute. But this isn’t about me, the point is Ricky Martin loves dudes. Can't get enough.
ORLANDO BLOOM MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE - Orlando Bloom is still under investigation after a car crash last week that left one woman with a fractured neck. Bloom was not drunk or high at the time, and says an SUV with paparazzi cut him off and caused him to crash into a parked Porsche. The LAPD is investigating that claim and also whether or not to charge him with hit-and-run, because he left the scene momentarily. LAPD is also investigating if it's crime that I look so handsome in the earth tones that are so popular this time of year.
NICK HOGAN IS DOING GREAT - This is news to me, but apparently the kid in the car with Nick Hogan when he wrecked last month is still in a coma. Doctors say he has suffered permanent brain damage and will never fully recover. Doctors also said that 12 lortab is more than enough to recover from a root canal, so stop bein such a dick Randy.
Nick Hogan told Rides Magazine last week that his fleet of cars, including a limited-edition 800hp supercharged Dodge Viper, two 700-plus-horsepowered Toyota Supras and a 550hp Viper, help him snap necks and stab craaazy pussy, yo. Nick says:
The yellow Supra and yellow Viper are pussy magnets for sure. I mean, the green and the silver appeal more to men, ’cause a guy knows what he’s looking at and will drool over it. But girls see the yellow, and panties start dropping off.
Later he brags about driving fast and never learning his lesson. One week later, this attitude would nearly kill someone:
In my silver Viper, I was driving from Miami to Tampa. I got pulled over going 107 [mph] and the guy let me off. He’s like, “Hey, I know who you are, just keep going, ya know.” Dude, I got back on the road and two minutes later I get pulled over going 113 [mph]. Another highway patrol from the same county said, “I just heard on the radio that my buddy pulled you over and let you go. I’ma let you go this time. It’s your second warning. You get pulled over again, you’re probably going to go to jail.” Three minutes later, [I was] doing 123 [mph] in a 50 [mph zone]. The guy is like, “Hey, I just heard you got pulled over twice in the last 10 minutes. I got to write you a ticket.”
It just goes to show you that tragedy can find any of us at any time. I bet Nick didn't do anything wrong and yet he still got into a bad car crash. This tragedy was senseless, and not 100 percent his fault, at least as far as I can tell. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna climb the fence at the zoo and poke that new bear with a stick. Poka poka poka. He's just laying there. Why won't he do anything? I said POKA POKA POKA.
Nick Hogan - the son of Hulk Hogan and brother of Brooke Hogan - is reportedly in serious condition and his passenger is in critical condition after a car wreck in Clearwater, Florida left both severely inured. TMZ says:
…the accident occurred around 7:31 PM ET. According to police, a Toyota Supra, driven by Nick Bollea (Hogan's real name), was traveling at a very high rate of speed when it lost control and hit a raised median. The car was flipped around and the back end hit a palm tree. The impact, we're told, "destroyed the entire car." The two male occupants were flown by Medivac helicopter from the accident scene to a hospital in St. Petersburg. We're told both men had "very very serious" injuries.
We may have to wait for a very special episode of "Hogan Knows Best" to get all the details, which will mark the first time I’ve ever seen that show. Watching that family is like watching some alternate reality where Germany won the war.
UPDATE - Nick is now resting at home and his mom has issued this statement:
"My son Nick and a friend were involved in a car accident last night. Nick suffered minor injuries and has been treated and released from the hospital. At this time, his friend, John Graziano remains hospitalized. Nick is currently at the hospital with John and his family. His sole concern is for the well being of his friend. On behalf of my family, we ask that your thoughts and prayers be with John and his loved ones."
Whatever. Prayer doesnt work. Friday I prayed for a delicious sandwich for like an hour. You know what i got? Nothin. A big fat nothin.
