By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 10:38 AM
All Nicki Minaj ever wanted to do was give back. Inflate her tits and ass to well beyond the recommended PSI, then inspire young people to follow their dreams as well. But they just wouldn’t let her. Nicki’s former performance arts high school in New York turned down her offer to come speak to the student body in what would’ve been an intimate event with Nicki, a few camera crews, and the entire student body being hit with Anaconda plugs.
Nicki says Shaking My Head but I think we all know that’s not completely accurate. Now the students of LaGuardia Performing Arts will go without inspiration and probably never take the stage in a hit Broadway musical or running their penitentiary’s therapeutic dramatic arts program. Not to mention the one straight guy in the school won’t get to see Nicki’s tits in person. Actions have consequences. Usually. This one actually not so much.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Fame Flynet
By Matt August 27, 2014 @ 7:50 AM
Nicki Minaj reportedly wanted MTV to film her VMA appearance in a way that would earn it a TV-MA rating. The network shot instead for a TV-14 which clearly excludes the massively spread labia Nicki had planned in order to be this year’s Miley. MTV focused on Minaj’s upper body while she had her legs up in a birthing position for no apparent reason. The performance was so tame it didn’t even turn heads at the Parents Television Council, an organization which exists solely to be offended:
“It wasn’t as racy as we were anticipating. What we were expecting to see was what was in the video — a guy up on the stage and her performing lap dances. Her costume was less revealing during the VMAs than it was in the music video. The elements were there, but the most offensive content was edited out. Whether Nicki Minaj had anything to do with that or MTV or network standards and practices, I don’t know, but we were relieved to see that it wasn’t as bad as it might have been.”
Its a sad day when you desperately want to come off as provocative and the old cronies from Footloose yawn in your face. Minaj should start performing with a dildo in her stink, pink, and maw to really make sure the cameras have nowhere to go but sexualized content. There’s no reason why the VMAs can’t serve as the proper forum to talk to your kids about where rapper bastard babies come from.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt August 25, 2014 @ 2:19 PM
Nicki Minaj has been steadily denying her staged and yawn worthy dress malfunction at the VMA Awards was done on purpose. Minaj must be aware that having your dress slip off is exponentially more embarrassing when you admit you did it on purpose to draw attention away from your vapid stage performance. She has offered vehement denials about the stunt, even though several people saw her rehearsing it beforehand. It was actually kind of hot the way she appeared vulnerable and exposed until you realized it was on purpose which just made it kind of cheap and rapey. Its like finding out the Charles Dickens back story on your favorite porn star and the suspension of reality becomes more and more difficult. Minaj’s claim that she ran out of time to zip up the dress while changing is more than suspicious. Unlike a game of Jenga, putting on a dress has very little variation in time. You pretty much know what you are getting into, and whether or not you can do it, especially when you’ve tried it on and rehearsed before hand. Minaj apparently had just enough time to put it on, but not zip it up. That’s like having enough time to become aroused but not put on a condom, nobody’s buying it, I’ve tried.
Photo credit: MTV
By Lex August 20, 2014 @ 10:16 AM
Here’s more from the Anaconda music video from Nicki Minaj that is certain to reshape the very face of music. Sort of the way a car crash and plowing your head through a windshield at 40mph will reshape the very look of your face. Now that the dictates of my profession have forced me to watch the entire fucking video twice, I can say that this auditory pile of shit has some pretty nice asses. And when the dude at JuCo who made this in half an hour on GarageBand sampled Sir Mix-A-Lot, that’s pretty fucking fresh. In the fine tradition of men’s magazines, I give this music video three boners. If Nicki’s ass were to explode in a ghastly blast of bloody homogenized fat, I’d take away one boner, but I’d buy it on iTunes instead of ripping it from YouTube.
By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 10:19 AM
Nicki Minaj pretends to pleasure Jimmy from DeGrassi in her new Anaconda music video. I don’t have the inclination to dig deep, but I’m guessing Anaconda has something to do with big black cock. At least it does when I search the term on YouPorn nightly. I bet Nicki also ‘casts shade’ in her new song. Casting shade and simulating sex are the hallmarks of modern music. Back in the day, strippers pretended to be sweet girls trying to pay for college or their dying dad’s kidney transplant. Now they’ve got record deals and they brag about who’s tapping their ass. If you’re big on honesty, you’d have to call that social progress.
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram
By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 1:28 PM
Nicki Minaj new contribution to the musical lexicon of humanity is called Anaconda. It’s a snake. It’s also a cock. I’m pretty good at interpreting sexually suggestive metaphors. For instance, I’m looking at Nicki Minaj squatting on an imaginary anaconda in her thong and I interpret that to mean her music sucks. I also interpret that nobody gives a shit because look at that ass. Yes, it’s grotesque even post Photoshop, but there’s something genuinely appealing as well. It’s like chorizo. I know it’s pig entrails and lips, but it’s gotten hold of some part of me that wants to bend it over the sofa and let loose the dogs of war. Nicki Minaj’s ass I mean. I guess the chorizo too. I do love that horrific crap.
Photo Credit: Nicki Minaj/Instagram