By Lex April 23, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
Just 25-days ago America’s finest music makers were on a podium declaring the death of Spotify and Pandora and announcing the launch of Tidal, the true artist-fair music app. Kanye West, Madonna, that dude in the Mickey Mouse head, and Nicki Minaj got doe-eyed explaining how Tidal would cost only twice as much as its competitors so Madonna could afford a decent oneg shabbat spread for her Kabbalah cluster. That pretty much killed Tidal in the crib. Even Kanye’s hand upon Tidal couldn’t save that fucker. After a few downloads in the opening week, Tidal dropped off the bottom of the iPhone charts while Spotify and Pandora both had record signups thanks to a bunch of unlikable famous people talking shit about them. The enemy of my app is my friend. Displaying his unwavering loyalty, Kanye has removed the Tidal logo from his Twitter profile and retro-deleted every single Tweet he’d made about the service. Then he announced his won-loss record remains perfect. Memorial services for Tidal will be held later this week. Beyonce will sing a song she didn’t write and bitch about how she’s not getting songwriter royalties.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Matt April 06, 2015 @ 8:08 AM
Nicki Minaj let some twelve year old kid in Northern Ireland sing with her on stage and pressed his head up to her giant fake tits so he could hear the sound of an outpatient clinic. The kid was super excited to meet Minaj and began to sob which could get you sent to a special camp in that country. Gay or straight it’s all pheromones at that point as you briefly harken back to your time on the prairie. Minaj thinks she’s the only woman with tits:
“Get your life from the little boy in this video pls. Look at how he stopped crying wen he laid his head on dem thangz. They have real power beaming out of them that can cure the sick #Belfast I love u so much. Wow. Life tonight.”
That kid’s going to be locked in the bathroom for the next month. Whether he’s violently hurling or trying to set a land speed record on his pecker I can’t say. If creepy black fuck doll is his type he is going to have it rough in Belfast. Nobody succeeds their first time. Stay golden and look into some Stones records. You’ll be jizzing on whomever you choose in no time. That includes Minaj.
Photo Credit: Instagram/AKM-GSI
By Lex February 18, 2015 @ 1:28 PM
That looks a lot like Derek Jeter and Nicki Minaj’s nipple. Two things that could use a good humility punch in the areola. I wasn’t really sure how short and unnecessary Nicki Minaj was until I saw her standing next to a professional athlete. She wouldn’t be all that hard to pack in a crate and load onto a cargo ship for Paraguay. It’s landlocked, so the last few miles might be bumpy. She’ll probably freestyle a few sweet beats about the journey. We’ll find them scratched onto her ankle when we open up the crate and start pointing fingers over who forgot to drill the air holes.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex February 03, 2015 @ 8:47 AM
Bud Light sponsored one of their Whatever Happens party before the Super Bowl in Phoenix. Whatever Happens is where you pretend Bud Light is a precursor to some of life’s more memorable evenings. Sort of like most great Hemingway novels begin at El Pollo Loco. Nicki Minaj was the surprise musical guest flashing all kinds of titty and ranting about how men are disloyal cheating fucks. Which is true, but not something you want to be lectured about while the hardest thing you have to drink is watered down 4.2 beer. Lots of guys heckled Minaj until they realized that being at a Bud Light party was in fact the most memorable evenings of their lives so they went back to the Ramada to hang themselves. Whatever Happens.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex January 08, 2015 @ 8:40 AM
Rolling Stone magazine apparently has outtakes. This is not to be confused with retractions, like after misleading rape accusations. This is content by Terry Richardson. A guy a bunch of young models claimed ear raped them. There, that’s not confusing.
Nicki Minaj did the cover of Rolling Stone recently because she’s very popular and has enormous tits and ass. Also, because I think she has a friend who knows a guy there. These are the photos that didn’t make the cut, including one of Uncle Terry in the victim shots he meticulously keeps like Dexter. One day we’ll all look back and say how the hell did we miss this because that’s just what people do.
Photo Credit: Terry Richardson
By Matt December 22, 2014 @ 7:19 AM
The miserably failed rapper known as SB Stunts better known as Safree Samuels better known as Nicki Minaj’s ex has been telling his friends he is suicidal over their break up. This is according to TMZ who that shitty friend of yours probably works for. At least he’d drop a dime on you for free Subway for life. Samuels and Minaj had been in a relationship for 12 years, meaning there’s a decent chance she was hot and still looked like human person when they met. Those who pursue a career in rap live by a different standard than your neighbors with the nice lattice. One doesn’t support the other financially working a catering gig while the other is out sucking record producer’s dicks in the bathroom at the same party. Or maybe that’s what happened.
It’s difficult to know if Samuels is suicidal over breaking up with Minaj or if he just saw her as a last vestige to garnering a record contract. She clearly has a lot of power in the recording business. At least until she’s obsolete next spring or when a cock is implanted in her mouth. This is the sweet spot where she figured she’d cash in since you never will. Keep your head up, Samuels. I guarantee your rebound sex will be better than Minaj constantly bitching about you damaging her framework of implants. On the rap thing you’re probably fucked.