Nicky Hilton Found a Purpose

By Lex June 08, 2015 @ 9:03 AM

Nicky And Paris Hilton On A Boat For Nickys Bachelorette Weekend
It’s hard to say which of the fractured Hilton ducklings is the least horrible. I’m going with Nicky. In ten years of tracking celebrities I’ve never seen Nicky not on her cellphone, but fuck, if the worst thing you can say about a Hilton is they’re a tedious chatterbug, you have you best Hilton ever. After dropping out of fashion school and pretending to run a few phony failed businesses in her 20′s, Nicky Hilton had begun to lack purpose. There were insidious rumors she was keeping down her meals. Somebody found her a British banking Rothschild which is a nice get if everyone agrees the Jewish ancestral line isn’t to be discussed. Nicky’s now to be settled into a life of charity balls, a single child named Baron Escalade, and a molasses slow suicide from three parts of a Heath Ledger cocktail. Paris has already picked out the dress and color coordinated selfie stick. The Winans gospel will bring the crowd to tears. Who let the colored folk in through the front door?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Nicky Hilton Is Now Boring in a Bikini

By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 11:53 AM

Nicky Hilton Flashes Booty In A Leopard Print Bikini In Miami
When the answer is Paris Hilton and the question is which Hilton sister got all the charm, you might as well wrist cut your way out of the Jeopardy competition if you’re the other one. There’s an opiated elderly woman in Western China who has barely moved on a porch rocking chair for the past thirty years as her teeth drop into the crusty mound of feces beneath her who’d make better company for a two hour layover than Nicky Hilton. Both speak in short monosyllabic grunts, but if you linger long enough with Old Mrs. Chao, you’ll hear the story about the time Mao and his Red Army rode through the valley and used her like a semen cushion between battles. That beats a Nicky Hilton purse shopping yarn by several leagues.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Splash

What The Fuck Happened to Books?

By Lex June 02, 2014 @ 8:34 AM

Farrah-Abraham-Nicky-Hilton-Lena-Dunham-at-BookExpo

It’s no wonder the kids aren’t reading books anymore. It seems like only last year the New York BookExpo hosted masters of the ink and paper like Gwyneth Paltrow with her perfect recipes for guilt-free paella and a happy marriage. This year we got Farrah Abraham, Nicky Hilton, and Lena Dunham, the Hemingways of the Millennials. Of the three of them, Lena is the only one capable of fashioning the written word. If you’re up for a couple hundred pages into the self-absorbed hijinks of an entitled chubby girl with a loyal user card at Planned Parenthood, this is your summer read.

Farrah Abraham’s saucy novel follows the erotic tales of the completely fictional character Fallon Opal. Fallon rises to fame on a reality show, has an ass-to-mouth sex tape released she pretends is against her wishes, and finds a swarthy man named Dimitri to love her for who she really is, which I guess is Farrah Abraham. It’s hard to believe people would read books about the making of porn rather than just, I don’t know, watch porn, but dumb people need dumb books too.

Nicky Hilton is the world’s most boring person. Like her sister she’s not endowed with the ability to count high enough to certify a full deck of playing cards. Unlike her sister she lacks the joie de vivre and Neurosyphilis Dementia to be interesting. But, she’s got a book. If you ever wanted  to know how to dress like a trainable heiress who still cowers in fear when it rains, Style 360 is a must read. Get it now before her publicity teams buys up all the first-runs so they can pretend real people bought it.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Nicky Hilton In A Bikini

By Lex July 19, 2013 @ 2:04 PM

NikkY Hilton Relaxing In A Bikini At The Beach In Malibu
If Paris Hilton didn’t do all the stupid wretched party girl shit she does, she’d just be her sister, Nicky. Boring as fuck. Two working eyes, but still unable to see her own boringness. Paris is filming her reality show so she needed Nicky to come by in her bikini. I think they shot Nicky up with a tranquilizer and moved her onto a beach chair for filming. Not super legal. Though it will end up being the most interesting thing Nicky has done in over eleven years.

Photo Credit: PCN

Paris Hilton spoke at the European School Of Economics awards

By brendon December 06, 2012 @ 4:21 PM

paris_hilton_european_school_of_economics_foundation_awards

The European School Of Economics Foundation Vision And Reality Awards were held last night in New York and attended by Paris Hilton, and though it may look like I found two unrelated sentences, cut them in half and then crammed them together, that is not the case.

European economists had an awards show in New York, and Paris and Nicky Hilton were there. And they even spoke. About economics.

The picture above shows Paris reading the part of her speech with a euro sign in it (€), and spending 30 minutes trying to figure out if it’s pronounced “double E” or “equal C” or what the hell the deal is.

(image source = getty)

my, what a fancy party

By brendon January 16, 2012 @ 2:53 PM

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To be fair, maybe Lindsay Lohan didn’t sneak into last nights Weinstein Company party, because it seems Kim Kardashian and the Hilton sisters were also there. How prestigious! Suffice to say no one should touch anything in that room until it’s been boiled.