Nicole Kidman and the cast of "Australia" were in Sydney last night for the epic movies world premiere, but hold on to your hats, because Nicole had shocking news for both her fans. Nicole says…
"I’m pale and bony, and people often think their house is haunted when I’m there."
No not really. The Daily Mail says…
She also revealed she's considering a hiatus from acting to have more children. 'I'm in a place in my life where I've had some great opportunities, and I may just choose to have some more children,' said the 41-year-old, who has a 4-month-old girl with Urban and two adopted children Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13, from her marriage to Tom Cruise. 'There's many things I want to do besides act.'
I also have an important decision to make. Is Nicole still bang-able, or has time passed her by? I'm leaning toward No, she sort of looks Daisy Duck, and I like ducks as much as the next little girl does, but there have been very very few that I wanted to have sex with.
I'M VOTING FOR MCCAIN – I'm sure Obama is a smart man, but … the tits. They’re very big. I must do what they say.
NICOLE KIDMAN IS AN IDIOT - Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote fertility and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year. I heard semen also works, but I don’t have an Oscar so just ignore me. Nicole is probably right. The water is probably enchanted by magic fairies, and that’s how she got pregnant.
BRAD PITT FILMS A JAPANESE COMMERCIAL - Why did they dress him like this? And do that mustache? If the Japanese ever do something that isn’t completely batshit crazy, feel free to let me know about it. I'm surprised they didn’t chase him with some kind of penis octopus monster.
PETA IS FUCKING CRAZY - PETA wants Ben and Jerrys to use human milk in their ice cream. They got the idea after a restaurant in Switzerland announced it would use 75 percent breast milk in its food. PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies. In a related story, WTF?
BUY BRITNEY’S HOUSE - Britney Spears's six-bedroom, six-bathroom Studio City home is on sale for $7.9 million, according to Splash News. You have to take our word for it that this is her house, since she’s not standing on the roof. People in Montana must laugh their ass off when they see people in LA paying 8 million for a house crammed onto half an acre.
Nicole Kidman and her husband, country music star Keith Urban, announced today that Nicole has given birth to their first child, a little girl named Sunday Rose. She was born very early this morning in Nashville. People magazine says…
"Husband Keith was by Nicole's side, and mother and baby are very well," said spokesman Paul Freundlich, who added that the couple were "delighted" to make the announcement. He also said the baby girl weighed 6 lbs., 7.5 oz.
In the days leading up to the birth, the couple – who celebrated their second wedding anniversary on June 25 – didn't stray from their normal routine in and around Nashville, where they reside in a gated community.
From early morning stops at a local Starbucks for warm drinks to a little sweat at the gym later in the day (Kidman was a regular at spin and yoga classes during her pregnancy), the couple remained low-key.
"She's never been happier and healthier," says a close family friend. "She is absolutely radiant and enjoying nesting and homemaking with Keith at their new home in Nashville."
The pregnancy was first announced in January. Kidman has two other children with her former husband Tom Cruise: Isabella, 15, and Connor, 13.
It’s important to mention that Nicole Kidman has two other kids, because I’m not even sure if she knows that at this point. Poor Conner is gonna get arrested one day. He’s a black teenager and Nicole has no idea who the hell he is. She's gonna come home late one night and see him on the couch and call the cops. “Yes, he’s in the house right now, please hurry.”
I know Nicole Kidman is pregnant, and she can't get her botox anymore, but that still doesn't explain … this. She could maybe look worse if she had snakes for hair and spiders crawling out of her mouth, but that's really just a guess.. The way she looked watching her husband Keith Urban yesterday at the Blues and Roots Festival is the sort of thing you normally only see shuffling towards you in a haunted pyramid, just before I hit it with a flamethrower. I'm brave!
In this video, which many historians are labeling as "The Coolest Fucking Thing I've Ever Saw", Nicole Kidman's bodyguards attacks a paparazzi who was following them as Nicole sits in the car. And I don't mean some half-assed Hollywood attack, I mean he literally dives through the open window and beats this guy as if he had 19 arms and feet. Feet trained in the art of kicking dudes asses. The paparazzi is French, as you tell by his queer accent and the way his defense is based around pleading for mercy and crying.
IMPORTANT - There's screaming and cursing in this, so be sure your speakers are low if you're at work. Also, at the very beginning it sounds as if you're about to hear I Wish by Skee-Lo, but unfortunately that's just not the case.
UNCOOL UPDATE - so i guess flynet took this down, but you can still see it here.
The Daily Mail says today that Nicole Kidman has gotten so much Botox lately that she now looks like a bat. It quotes a doctor who … wait, what? A bat? Really? WTF does that even mean?
"Nicole seems to get her Botox done two or three weeks before a big event so when she, for instance, goes up on stage to collect her Academy Award she looks frozen and strange," Dr Braun said.
"She looks like a bat with too much of a brow lift, the middle of the brow's been dropped, she's crying when she accepts her Oscar but nothing is moving.
"That's really doing nothing to help our job because we've got women coming to us saying that's what we don't want to look like."
"These people who have extraordinary amounts of money and fame are actually getting, in my opinion, poor medical advice."
For everyone who doesn’t live in a spooky gothic castle, the Mail thankfully includes a side by side picture of Nicole and a bat, just so you know what an insane comparison it truly is (not shown: a crime fighting silhouette flashed across the clouds, sending a chill into the hearts of evil men). The doctor might as well have said she looks like a fire-breathing crocodile. I don’t know what the fuck that means either but at least it would been a kick ass picture.
