I know Nicole Kidman is pregnant, and she can't get her botox anymore, but that still doesn't explain … this. She could maybe look worse if she had snakes for hair and spiders crawling out of her mouth, but that's really just a guess.. The way she looked watching her husband Keith Urban yesterday at the Blues and Roots Festival is the sort of thing you normally only see shuffling towards you in a haunted pyramid, just before I hit it with a flamethrower. I'm brave!
In this video, which many historians are labeling as "The Coolest Fucking Thing I've Ever Saw", Nicole Kidman's bodyguards attacks a paparazzi who was following them as Nicole sits in the car. And I don't mean some half-assed Hollywood attack, I mean he literally dives through the open window and beats this guy as if he had 19 arms and feet. Feet trained in the art of kicking dudes asses. The paparazzi is French, as you tell by his queer accent and the way his defense is based around pleading for mercy and crying.
IMPORTANT – There's screaming and cursing in this, so be sure your speakers are low if you're at work. Also, at the very beginning it sounds as if you're about to hear I Wish by Skee-Lo, but unfortunately that's just not the case.
UNCOOL UPDATE – so i guess flynet took this down, but you can still see it here.
The Daily Mail says today that Nicole Kidman has gotten so much Botox lately that she now looks like a bat. It quotes a doctor who … wait, what? A bat? Really? WTF does that even mean?
"Nicole seems to get her Botox done two or three weeks before a big event so when she, for instance, goes up on stage to collect her Academy Award she looks frozen and strange," Dr Braun said.
"She looks like a bat with too much of a brow lift, the middle of the brow's been dropped, she's crying when she accepts her Oscar but nothing is moving.
"That's really doing nothing to help our job because we've got women coming to us saying that's what we don't want to look like."
"These people who have extraordinary amounts of money and fame are actually getting, in my opinion, poor medical advice."
For everyone who doesn’t live in a spooky gothic castle, the Mail thankfully includes a side by side picture of Nicole and a bat, just so you know what an insane comparison it truly is (not shown: a crime fighting silhouette flashed across the clouds, sending a chill into the hearts of evil men). The doctor might as well have said she looks like a fire-breathing crocodile. I don’t know what the fuck that means either but at least it would been a kick ass picture.
Nicole Kidman and country music superstar Keith Urban announced last night that they are expecting their first child together. The two have been married for 18 months. It was reported that the two first broke the news to friends and family over Christmas, and that the child is due in the summer. The Daily Mail says:
The Oscar-winning actress and her husband, country and western singer Keith Urban, are said to be "thrilled" at the news of their impending arrival.
Nicole's publicist Wendy Day said last night: "The couple are thrilled".
When asked for a comment, Urban said, "God Dam I have a huge forehead! Seriously, am I even human? Am I sick or something, this can't be normal."
Lindsay Lohan is traditional – Lindsay Lohan spent Christmas Eve in a bar, arriving at Lotus in the New York City meatpacking district around 11:30 and staying until around 3 am. Why? Because her life is fantastic.
Carrie Underwood is taken – Despite being previously linked to Jessica Simpson, quarterback Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys is now apparently dating country singer Carrie Underwood. In fact, "she made a surprise Christmas Day appearance at Texas Stadium, hugging her new man on the field before the Cowboys' crushing 23-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles." It was also before Romo stood behind his center all day with a raging hard-on, which probably did anything but help.
Keith and Nic are okay – Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman were seen together yesterday in Sydney, seemingly happy despite a breaking story claiming that Urban had a steady sexual relationship with 23-year-old model Amanda Wyatt that began in 2004 and didnt end until the day he married Nicole. Wyatt said:
"Keith is a very good lover; he was a good man all around. It was one good thing a night. It was very fiery. You could tell we were just into each other and that is what made it good. From April 2005 until they got married in June 2006, we got together a lot of times, but I can't put a figure on it. It was a pretty regular thing."
When asked for a comment, Urban said, "does anyone know who I am or how on earth me and my stringy hair ended up banging models and Nicole Kidman. Any why is my forhead so big? Seriously, this can't be normal. Am I sick or something?"
After six weeks in rehab for alcohol dependency, Keith Urban has checked out of the Betty Ford center and is back with Nicole Kidman, his wife of 5 months. Us magazine reports that the two were seen having brunch yesterday at the Polo Lounge in LA. Earlier in the day, the New York Post said that rumors of Nicole being pregnant are false and the couple is not expecting. Not yet, at least. But they are trying. The Posts' proof? Her haircut. Yeah, okay, why not.
She just got bangs to hide her forehead. As a Hollywood insider said, "If Nicole is pregnant or trying to get pregnant, she will have to stop all Botox treatments like Courtney Cox Arquette did when she was pregnant. It would show most on her forehead." A rep for Kidman didn't return emails.
That's Nic's new haircut up top there. With the bangs. Or should I say, "with the definitive proof she's trying to conceive". And what does her T-zone reveal? It would seeem she's in deep with a black market panda ring. God damn you – you won't get away with this Kidman!
