nicole kidman looks terrific

By brendon November 13, 2009 @ 3:37 PM

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Tom Cruises’ semen must have some kind of poison in it because Katie Holmes looks like hell and Nicole Kidman has turned into some kind of monster.  The New York Post says…

Everyone was talking about Nicole Kidman at the Country Music Awards in Nashville Sunday night. “She looked freakish,” said one witness. “She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan.”

That witness got off easy.  They saw her after 36 hours of hair and makeup (here). Look at her this morning at some fitness thing back in Australia. I’m only looking at the pictures and I’m freaked out. I’ve already closed my blinds and put on a mask so she can’t find me while I type this, and when I’m done here I’m gonna throw this computer into the ocean and move to a new town. I don’t really know how all that IP stuff works. She might be able to find me that way.

INCOMPETENT UPDATE – aww god dammit.  okay so the running pictures are nicoles sister antonia.  still.  look.  ooohhhh.  pretty scary, huh.

(picture source = getty images)

nicole kidman: “I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff…”

By brendon November 04, 2009 @ 1:38 PM

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It’s nice to see that the foppish dandies who run GQ over in England are just as snooty and dim witted as the ones over here in the Colonies.  Nicole Kidman usually gives boring interviews because she’s a dullard, but in this one she actually hinted at something interesting. “Well that’s enough of that,” the GQ reporter thought to himself. “A big star and her sex fetishes?  Boooor-ing!”

The Daily Mail says…

But in one of her most revealing-ever interviews, Nicole Kidman let slip how her experiences of love ranged from ‘mundane’ marriage to ‘strange sexual fetish stuff’.
The 42-year-old actress, currently married to country singer Keith Urban, said her life had been about exploring different types of love.
‘I’ve explored obsession. I’ve explored loss and love in terms of being in a grief-stricken place, I’ve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I’ve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy,’ she said.

And that’s the last we hear of any sex talk.  Not that Nicole Kidman is so great or anything, but if she had a hot Asian girl shoving things into her ass while Tom sat in the corner and cried, I wanna hear about it.  Even if she didn’t do that I wanna hear about it.  In fact, if Nicole Kidman could make up a bunch of super detailed lesbian sex stories, that would really help me out.

(theres like a hundred screencap pics of kidman getting naked in ‘eyes wide shut’ here.  if you save them then click fast enough, it’s like a movie)

Nicole Kidman is really smart

By brendon October 22, 2009 @ 1:07 PM

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Is Nicole Kidman even American? If not she needs to zip it.

Nicole Kidman spoke to the US Congress yesterday to accuse Hollywood of contributing to violence against women by portraying them as sex objects.
Kidman was speaking yesterday in her role as a UN ambassador to a House foreign affairs subcommittee that is considering legislation to tackle violence against women overseas.
When asked by Republican representative Dana Rohrabacher whether the film industry “played a bad role” in the way it portrayed women, Kidman replied “Probably”.

If Nicole Kidman was still hot I would go rape her, because according to that first paragraph, technically it was Hollywood Movies that raped her. I didn’t want to, but the movie made me. It’s a disturbing pattern.  After watching ‘Rocky’ I was Heavyweight Champ for 15 months, and after seeing ‘Patton’ I went around slapping cowards and ordering them back to the front. Won’t someone help me!

(image source = getty images)

STUFF FROM ALL OVER

By brendon September 24, 2008 @ 8:15 AM

I'M VOTING FOR MCCAIN – I'm sure Obama is a smart man, but … the tits.  They’re very big.  I must do what they say.

NICOLE KIDMAN IS AN IDIOT – Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote fertility and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year.  I heard semen also works, but I don’t have an Oscar so just ignore me.  Nicole is probably right.  The water is probably enchanted by magic fairies, and that’s how she got pregnant.

BRAD PITT FILMS A JAPANESE COMMERCIAL – Why did they dress him like this?  And do that mustache?  If the Japanese ever do something that isn’t completely batshit crazy, feel free to let me know about it.  I'm surprised they didn’t chase him with some kind of penis octopus monster.

PETA IS FUCKING CRAZY – PETA wants Ben and Jerrys to use human milk in their ice cream.  They got the idea after a restaurant in Switzerland announced it would use 75 percent breast milk in its food.  PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies.   In a related story, WTF?

BUY BRITNEY’S HOUSE – Britney Spears's six-bedroom, six-bathroom Studio City home is on sale for $7.9 million, according to Splash News.  You have to take our word for it that this is her house, since she’s not standing on the roof.  People in Montana must laugh their ass off when they see people in LA paying 8 million for a house crammed onto half an acre.



NICOLE KIDMANS STILL GOT IT

By brendon March 21, 2008 @ 10:01 AM

I know Nicole Kidman is pregnant, and she can't get her botox anymore, but that still doesn't explain … this.  She could maybe look worse if she had snakes for hair and spiders crawling out of her mouth, but that's really just a guess..  The way she looked watching her husband Keith Urban yesterday at the Blues and Roots Festival is the sort of thing you normally only see shuffling towards you in a haunted pyramid, just before I hit it with a flamethrower.  I'm brave!

NOW THIS IS MORE LIKE IT

By brendon March 14, 2008 @ 9:31 AM

In this video, which many historians are labeling as "The Coolest Fucking Thing I've Ever Saw", Nicole Kidman's bodyguards attacks a paparazzi who was following them as Nicole sits in the car. And I don't mean some half-assed Hollywood attack, I mean he literally dives through the open window and beats this guy as if he had 19 arms and feet. Feet trained in the art of kicking dudes asses.  The paparazzi is French, as you tell by his queer accent and the way his defense is based around pleading for mercy and crying.

IMPORTANT – There's screaming and cursing in this, so be sure your speakers are low if you're at work.  Also, at the very beginning it sounds as if you're about to hear I Wish by Skee-Lo, but unfortunately that's just not the case.

UNCOOL UPDATE – so i guess flynet took this down, but you can still see it here