By brendon September 24, 2008 @ 8:15 AM

I'M VOTING FOR MCCAIN – I'm sure Obama is a smart man, but … the tits.  They’re very big.  I must do what they say.

NICOLE KIDMAN IS AN IDIOT – Oscar-winning actress Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote fertility and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year.  I heard semen also works, but I don’t have an Oscar so just ignore me.  Nicole is probably right.  The water is probably enchanted by magic fairies, and that’s how she got pregnant.

BRAD PITT FILMS A JAPANESE COMMERCIAL – Why did they dress him like this?  And do that mustache?  If the Japanese ever do something that isn’t completely batshit crazy, feel free to let me know about it.  I'm surprised they didn’t chase him with some kind of penis octopus monster.

PETA IS FUCKING CRAZY – PETA wants Ben and Jerrys to use human milk in their ice cream.  They got the idea after a restaurant in Switzerland announced it would use 75 percent breast milk in its food.  PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies.   In a related story, WTF?

BUY BRITNEY’S HOUSE – Britney Spears's six-bedroom, six-bathroom Studio City home is on sale for $7.9 million, according to Splash News.  You have to take our word for it that this is her house, since she’s not standing on the roof.  People in Montana must laugh their ass off when they see people in LA paying 8 million for a house crammed onto half an acre.


By brendon March 21, 2008 @ 10:01 AM

I know Nicole Kidman is pregnant, and she can't get her botox anymore, but that still doesn't explain … this.  She could maybe look worse if she had snakes for hair and spiders crawling out of her mouth, but that's really just a guess..  The way she looked watching her husband Keith Urban yesterday at the Blues and Roots Festival is the sort of thing you normally only see shuffling towards you in a haunted pyramid, just before I hit it with a flamethrower.  I'm brave!


By brendon March 14, 2008 @ 9:31 AM

In this video, which many historians are labeling as "The Coolest Fucking Thing I've Ever Saw", Nicole Kidman's bodyguards attacks a paparazzi who was following them as Nicole sits in the car. And I don't mean some half-assed Hollywood attack, I mean he literally dives through the open window and beats this guy as if he had 19 arms and feet. Feet trained in the art of kicking dudes asses.  The paparazzi is French, as you tell by his queer accent and the way his defense is based around pleading for mercy and crying.

IMPORTANT – There's screaming and cursing in this, so be sure your speakers are low if you're at work.  Also, at the very beginning it sounds as if you're about to hear I Wish by Skee-Lo, but unfortunately that's just not the case.

UNCOOL UPDATE – so i guess flynet took this down, but you can still see it here


By brendon March 13, 2008 @ 9:27 AM

The Daily Mail says today that Nicole Kidman has gotten so much Botox lately that she now looks like a bat.  It quotes a doctor who … wait, what?  A bat? Really?  WTF does that even mean?

"Nicole seems to get her Botox done two or three weeks before a big event so when she, for instance, goes up on stage to collect her Academy Award she looks frozen and strange," Dr Braun said.
"She looks like a bat with too much of a brow lift, the middle of the brow's been dropped, she's crying when she accepts her Oscar but nothing is moving.
"That's really doing nothing to help our job because we've got women coming to us saying that's what we don't want to look like."
"These people who have extraordinary amounts of money and fame are actually getting, in my opinion, poor medical advice."

For everyone who doesn’t live in a spooky gothic castle, the Mail thankfully includes a side by side picture of Nicole and a bat, just so you know what an insane comparison it truly is (not shown: a crime fighting silhouette flashed across the clouds, sending a chill into the hearts of evil men).  The doctor might as well have said she looks like a fire-breathing crocodile.  I don’t know what the fuck that means either but at least it would been a kick ass picture.


By brendon January 08, 2008 @ 9:42 AM

Nicole Kidman and country music superstar Keith Urban announced last night that they are expecting their first child together.  The two have been married for 18 months.  It was reported that the two first broke the news to friends and family over Christmas, and that the child is due in the summer.  The Daily Mail says:

The Oscar-winning actress and her husband, country and western singer Keith Urban, are said to be "thrilled" at the news of their impending arrival.
Nicole's publicist Wendy Day said last night: "The couple are thrilled".

When asked for a comment, Urban said, "God Dam I have a huge forehead! Seriously, am I even human? Am I sick or something, this can't be normal."


By brendon December 27, 2006 @ 11:29 AM

Lindsay Lohan is traditional – Lindsay Lohan spent Christmas Eve in a bar, arriving at Lotus in the New York City meatpacking district around 11:30 and staying until around 3 am.  Why?  Because her life is fantastic.

Carrie Underwood is taken – Despite being previously linked to Jessica Simpson, quarterback Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys is now apparently dating country singer Carrie Underwood.  In fact, "she made a surprise Christmas Day appearance at Texas Stadium, hugging her new man on the field before the Cowboys' crushing 23-7 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles."  It was also before Romo stood behind his center all day with a raging hard-on, which probably did anything but help.

Keith and Nic are okay – Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman were seen together yesterday in Sydney, seemingly happy despite a breaking story claiming that Urban had a steady sexual relationship with 23-year-old model Amanda Wyatt that began in 2004 and didnt end until the day he married Nicole.  Wyatt said:

"Keith is a very good lover; he was a good man all around.  It was one good thing a night. It was very fiery. You could tell we were just into each other and that is what made it good. From April 2005 until they got married in June 2006, we got together a lot of times, but I can't put a figure on it. It was a pretty regular thing."

When asked for a comment, Urban said, "does anyone know who I am or how on earth me and my stringy hair ended up banging models and Nicole Kidman.  Any why is my forhead so big?  Seriously, this can't be normal.  Am I sick or something?"