Gather round kids for a story of yesteryear. Before the Internet was invented by various smart Asian people (VSAPs), only college nerds knew how to share porn online through their down low college nerd bulletin boards. The rest of mankind had to wait for some dude to bring a nudie photo to school and Xerox a couple copies outside the Principal’s office to show his buddies. It was usually Playboy, but if you got lucky, some Euro-spank mag, it was black and white and overexposed and it was glorious. When I first saw a a real woman naked and her vagina wasn’t monochromatic, I cried all the colors of the rainbow. I can only imagine the let down awaiting the current easy-access-to-HD-porn kids.
Photo Credit: Esquire
Now that Kate Upton has tainted her fairy tale princess taint with Diddy, it’s time to start thinking about what comes next. I nominate Nina Agdal. She was runner up to Kate for the highly coveted and highly airbrushed cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition this year. And since her dating history only includes a Jonas brother, there’s a good chance her maidenhead remains intact.
Here’s Nina in Esquire Mexico. Yeah, they got one of those down there too.
Photo Credit: Esquire Mexico
It’s easy to imagine that hot girls from distant lands must come from a race of super fine looking people. But I’ve been to Denmark. Meh, it’s like most places. Nina Agdal was still the hottest girl in her high school by a good measure. And if you’re the hottest girl in your village anywhere in the world, you owe it to the world to become a model or exhibitionist of some sort. Just like the brainy kid who has the cure for cancer in his head has to attend medical school or a guy who’s 6’9″ and coordinated has to play basketball. If you’re super good looking, you have to share. And if you follow your God-given path, you will be rewarded with cash and fey male model boyfriends and all the cocaine you can consume in your London and New York lofts.
Check out Nina Agdal in her new photos for Aerie Lingerie. Aerie Lingerie just sounds hot. And looks even better.
Whenever I see lingerie ads, I assume they’re for women, because other than my Uncle Theo who we found out later in life was ‘Tina’ twice a week at a risque nightclub three counties over, men aren’t buying much lingerie. Outside of the idiots who can’t wait to hear their girls utter the phrase, ‘Great, so you think I’m a whore?’, silky underwear buying is better left to the wearer. Or to girls who giggle at bachelorette parties and talk about how ‘Steve is going to die when he sees you in this’. Those girls know full well that twelve months from now married Steve will not care how his wife dresses so much as he is wondering where the hell his blowjobs went.
Still, I’d like to buy shit for Nina Agdal to wear. Because hot girls make you stupid and forget all the rules. Fuck, I’d buy her a car and a house. If I had the money, or even if I didn’t. Variable rate loans are the bomb.
Sure, you could pretend you care about Nina Agdal. What’s her story? What are her hobbies and interests? Does she like to run the bathtub spigot intermittently over her honey patch as she rubs her body with a soapy Loofa. But mostly you just want to look at her in a bikini. She knows that.
Nina was the girl that everybody thought might get the cover of the Airbrushed SI Swimsuit Edition that went to Kate Upton because Kate was willing to flash her tits south of the antarctic circle. But Nina got to hawk the fish sandwich at Carl’s Jr. as the booby prize. Mmm, fast food fish sandwiches, the ultimate test of just how crappy your diet is. Anyhow, Nina is ripe to be plucked in these new photos she shot for Aerie Swimwear.
