OJ Simpson is going on a hunger strike in a Nevada prison because he’s sad and wants to die. He’s currently serving time for a 2008 conviction for kidnapping and robbery, though he’s better remembered for slaughtering his ex-wife and the world’s most unlucky waiter. Also, those hilarious Naked Gun movies. I guess it must be hard to be 66 years old and be rotting in jail alone and unloved. Prison rape is really a young man’s game. Of course, if The Juice really wanted to die, he could slit his wrist or tell the Mexican Mafia that mariachi music all sounds the same. He’s just crying out for attention with his manorexia plan. He doesn’t have the guts to starve himself to death. Though we should live televise him trying. I’d keep that on in the background.
Mr President, I know my life is coming to an end. Please, don’t let me die in prison. I feel the end coming. But I don’t want to die in prison like common jailhouse scum.
O.J. always did have a way with words. I mean, after his speech and language training. As a college baller at USC he was completely illiterate and unable to form sentences when speaking. The Juice wants Obama to let him loose before he dies of a brain tumor and diabetes so he can go cut a few more bitches and also give Khloe the Darth Vader speech about her true lineage. Seems fair to me. He did decapitate his ex-wife and a waiter in a jealous coke rage, but that was in the last millennium. He’s not asking for a pardon, those are saved for people who actually donate money to politicians, he just wants clemency. It doesn’t even need to be formal. Just leave his cell ajar at night and maybe unlock one of the side doors out of the prison. You can even shoot him a couple times in the legs, his knees are all crap now anyhow. Just let him breathe the air of freedom one last time. If anyone deserves a little kindness, it’s O.J.
Famous murderer and Samsonite salesman OJ Simpson was caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. You’ll recall that OJ is serving jail time for armed robbery after he and some armed friends tried to snatch back some OJ memorabilia in Vegas. The report states that OJ was caught by a prison guard trying to sneak a dozen oatmeal cookies back to his cell. Stealing food is a big no no in the joint an can get you thrown into solitary. The guard shook out OJ’s prison uniform and the cookies all fell to the floor. They let him off with a warning…this time. It may seem like a small thing but you let a guy get away with cookie thievery and the next thing you know he’s jealously decapitating his ex-wife and a slicing open a random waiter he mistook for her new boyfriend. It happens just that quickly.
OJ Simpson was back in court yesterday asking for a retrial of his 2008 conviction for kidnapping and armed robbery, after he and a group of armed men went after two sports memorabilia dealers that OJ had accused of stealing from him. The 65-year old former NFL star is claiming that his then-attorney, Yale Galanter, fed him terrible advice during the original trial and possibly even failed to tell him about a plea deal that would have landed the Juice in prison for only two years, instead of his current sentence of 33 years that will likely see him die behind bars.
Friends and family attended yesterday’s hearing, and they reportedly couldn’t believe how tired and beaten OJ looked from spending five years in prison, to which Fred Goldman replied, “Yeah, it’s just awful” before delivering another crate of porn and cigarettes to the Lovelock Correctional Center in Las Vegas.
If I had to rank the lasting horrible legacies of former NFL star and current prison queen OJ Simpson, they would go: 3) Kato Kaelin, 2) Reason that Kris Jenner and Kim Kardashian are famous and wealthy, and 1) Guy who didn’t kill two people (but probably did). Although Nos. 1 and 2 could be switched and I don’t think anyone but Fred Goldman would really protest.
Now that the Juice is locked away in prison and nothing but a terrible memory, the fine human beings at FOX are digging up two families’ most painful memories so America can ask itself: “Where were you when 100 million people slapped their foreheads in shock?”
Everybody remembers where they were when O.J. Simpson, riding in a white Bronco, led the police on a low-speed chase all over Los Angeles. This marked the emergence of the 24-hour news cycle and the birth of reality television. Written by Golden Globe Award winners Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (“The People vs. Larry Flint,” “Man on the Moon,” “Ed Wood”), THE RUN OF HIS LIFE: THE PEOPLE V. O.J. SIMPSON (wt) will take viewers behind the scenes of “The Trial of The Century,” driven by the nonstop plot of a courtroom thriller and presenting the story of the trial as it has never been told. (Entertainment Weekly)
I’m not sure what story hasn’t been told. Maybe the story about how OJ’s lawyers told him, “Try to act like the glove is too small” or how Robert Kardashian didn’t know that OJ was sleeping with his wife and is the real father of Khloe Kardashian. You know, allegedly.
Yesterday, someone other than TMZ said that Robert Kardashian was not the biological father of Khloe Kardashian, so now TMZ has to do everything they can to undermine that, regardless of how ridiculous it looks.
Today, in a story about Robert filing to have his second marriage annulled, with the headline, “Robert Kardashian speaks from grave: I’m Khloes dad”, they say:
“Robert Kardashian swore that Khloe IS his biological daughter … torpedoing claims by his ex-wives that Khloe was fathered by another man.”
And it would too, if he had in fact sworn that Khloe is his biological daughter. In reality, he said:
“I decided that since I already had four biological children, I did not wish to have any more.”
Was he implying that Khloe was his biological daughter? Yes, probably. Did he swear to it? No, absolutely not, and he certainly didn’t say, “I’m Khloes dad.” Still, it’s nice to see that Robert bothered to get an annulment, instead of just chopping off his wifes head like his Heisman-winning assassin client did.