Olivia Wilde, Hero

By Matt April 01, 2015 @ 6:33 AM


Olivia Wilde wrote a blowhard essay to accompany her Self magazine photo shoot which repeatedly referenced how she is not in good shape after giving birth and graphically referred to wearing “ice diapers” to cool her birth jets.

“In fact, I’m softer than I’ve ever been, including that unfortunate semester in high school when I simultaneously discovered Krispy Kreme and pot… The photos of me in this magazine have been generously constructed to show my best angles and I assure you, good lighting has been warmly embraced. The truth is, I’m a mother, and I look like one.”

In your face, other women. This is the worst I’ve ever looked and I look fucking fantastic. Wilde never makes a point but I think it’s that she’s one of you, if you were hotter and richer and thinner and fucking Jason Sudeikis. It’s the old trick of doing your hair and makeup for an hour and walking to brunch saying you just woke up. Apologizing for your success seems counterintuitive. It’s also super fucking annoying. You should really be apologizing for your failures. And showing us where the ice drips go. Then we’re even.

Olivia Wilde Wears A Tiny Bikini

By Lex December 09, 2014 @ 12:47 PM

Olivia Wilde Wears A Tiny Bikini On The Beach With Her Family In Maui
I could see fathering children with Olivia Wilde. I know exactly how it would go down starting with the eliciting of wallowing pity. People talk about sympathy fucks like they’re somehow unworthy of being called sex. Everybody has an agenda for hopping in the sack and if you can count on your insanely handsome good looks and the credit worthiness to lease an Italian sports car, bully for you. I’ve got some English and the ability to whimper like a wounded animal. There’s no one playbook for victory.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Olivia Wilde’s Tit Looks Perfectly Natural

By Lex August 05, 2014 @ 9:59 AM


I can’t tell which is worse. Women who still pretend there’s a public breastfeeding controversy or people like me who drum up fake stories about public breastfeeding controversy as an excuse to show you a baby sucking on Olivia Wilde’s tit? We’re probably both going to hell.

Olivia Wilde and her publicist decided they wanted to make a profound statement about the naturalness of breastfeeding so they cleared out a set in a diner, dressed her in a $5,000 Cavilli designer gown, and got her to tit nuzzle her baby boy without any diapers on. That seems like an unnecessary risk to the dress but I’m sure when the kid sues someday for emancipation the naked baby photos in Glamour will be a key exhibit.

Being shot with Otis is so perfect because any portrait of me right now isn’t complete without my identity as a mother being a part of that. Breast-feeding is the most natural thing. I don’t know, now it feels like Otis should always be on my breast.

I wonder how this might be affecting Jason Sudeikis and the couple’s publicized sex marathons. It’s so much harder to get it up for round two when there’s an infant suckling your preferred tit. But I guess sex marathons is one of those things that perhaps fades away after children come. Much like Jason will himself in short order. I wish life wasn’t so predictable. I also wish that stupid baby would move its big stupid head.

Photo credit: Glamour Magazine

Olivia Wilde Is Challenging Us Now

By Travis January 28, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

You wouldn’t think that Olivia Wilde is pregnant just by looking at her, because even though she’s something like 12 months along, she has looked great in almost every situation she’s been spotted in. In fact, it’s almost like she’s playing a game at this point and trying to think up ways that she can make us question whether or not she looks good “for a pregnant woman.” Like yesterday, Olivia stopped to get gas on her way to Pilates in West Hollywood and she was basically asking, “Do I look sexy in this this tank top and with my messy hair pulled back? What about as I’m hunched over squeezing this gas pump handle? And just slumping along on my way to class like this?” And the answer to all the questions is yes, Christ almighty, she still looks great doing anything.

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Olivia Wilde Still Looks Pretty Great

By Travis January 08, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Jessica Simpson was on Good Morning America yesterday to push Weight Watchers by bragging about how much weight she’s lost since having her second child, which is interesting because she looks about as comfortable as a gay couple at a Duck Dynasty cast party in every picture I’ve seen her in for the last 40 months. Olivia Wilde, on the other hand, is pretty far along in her pregnancy and she still only looks like she had a little too much to eat over the holidays. I know it’s harder for some women to lose weight than it is for others, but given the choice, I think most ordinary women would rather chug an Olivia Wilde stem cell smoothie than choke down another Weight Watchers meal. So get to work on that, science.

Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/WENN.com

Olivia Wilde Makes Pregnancy Look Easy

By Travis December 17, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

Further proving that she’s possibly the most perfect woman on this planet, Olivia Wilde was out in Los Angeles for lunch yesterday, and you can barely even tell that she’s pregnant. Maybe it’s because of some dark, Satanic secret, or maybe it’s because she’s wearing a baggy shirt and walking toward us, but Olivia still looks pretty incredible for a woman experiencing the physical burdens of pregnancy. Most notably, she doesn’t appear to be experiencing back pains or have any knife scars, but I think that’s more of a statement about the strippers I like and less of a fact about pregnancy.

Photo Credits: Owen Beiny/WENN.com