The French Are Horrible Fucking People

By Lex January 19, 2016 @ 3:55 PM

Pamela Anderson Fights Against Foie Gras In France
Pamela Anderson is a drunk ho cake but nothing so vile as the horrible people of France. The frog like turtleneck wearing people have cruelly derided Anderson’s visit to France to discuss that nation’s obsession with force tube feeding fowl to achieve an expensive fatty liver spread for baguettes that tastes just like liverwurst. Anderson isn’t even American, she’s Canadian, but she’s fucked enough of the lower forty-eight that she counts as one of our own.

Members of the French Parliament started talking shit when they heard Anderson was visiting their illustrious body where many famous surrenders have taken place throughout history. The French ever feel obliged to be outraged and cunty:

“I’m totally indifferent to her. To me she represents everything I dislike including the superficial … she does no honour to the institution I am privileged to have a seat in.” — Gay annoying French guy

I don’t know Pamela Anderson, I’ve never seen Baywatch, and I don’t believe her coming here will add much to the parliamentary debate.  – Lying gay annoying French guy

The farmers who force feed the birds were particularly French, implying that anybody who paid attention to Anderson preferred “birds inflated with silicon to the fine geese filled with the corn of the Landes and the Périgord” Here’s an idea. Fuck the Landes. As for the Perigord, fuck that too.

This is all seems rather dramatic. The Russkies let Pamela Anderson into the Kremlin last month and quietly listened to her drone about whale hunting they will never stop while they mentally undressed her. And mentally dressed Putin who started fucking Anderson mid-presentation while on horseback carrying a shotgun because he’s Putin and he’s one bad ass motherfucker and does shit that would make Obama cry.

That cliche bit about France being our oldest ally is some bullshit line politicians like to say when trying to make people care what happens to France who for their part hate our guts. I’m not buying it. You’re not good enough for Pamela Anderson. That’s a low fucking bar. Take our un-vetted Syrian refugees and we might call it even.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Pamela Anderson Picked to Ring the Playboy Death Knell

By Lex December 04, 2015 @ 9:16 AM

Pamela Anderson Black Lingerie For Love Advent
Playboy magazine announced that Pamela Anderson will be the cover girl on their final nude issue coming out this month. Starting in 2016, Playboy is committing to content far less compelling than hot naked young woman tits. The hope at Playboy is that men will discover an entirely new side to themselves. Also that Hef will die in his sleep before the place is boarded up. The rate at which the Internet is censoring nudity is fairly alarming. It’s not completely clear why nipples cause hand wringing while ISIS fatwas make Twitter whole, but it’s got something to do with Proctor and Gamble and somewhat ironically, people who read the bible. Playboy itself won’t be missed, but dammit, if we lose the women altogether, the terrorists and your closeted angry high school principal have won. Obama already seems overwhelmed, this might be one we have to tackle. #SoftcoreIsDead. I did my part.

Photo Credit: Love Magazine

Pamela Anderson No Longer Has The Liver AIDS

By Lex November 09, 2015 @ 9:57 AM

Pamela-Anderson-Naked-for-Hep-C

Pamela Anderson went on social media, Tinder, and Backpage Dubai to announce that our long national STD nightmare is over. She’s cured of Hep C. There was no comment on the related ailments of alcoholism, bankruptcy, and pink eye. Anderson posted a mostly naked photo of herself on Instagram to celebrate. Like a department store grand re-opening sign.

“I am CURED!!! – I just found out #nomorehepc #thankyou #blessing #family #prayer #live I pray anyone living with Hep C can qualify or afford treatment. It will be more available soon. I know treatment is hard to get still…#dontlosehope #itworkedforme#thereisacure #love #happy#americanliverfoundation #celebration#Idontknowwhattodo #iwanttohelp#cannes #iloveboats #onthesea #free”

I love boats too, sweetheart. Still, I’m asking for a blood test at a lab of my choosing.

Anderson claims she was part of an experimental FDA drug designed to cure women who’ve shared cocks and needles with Tommy Lee. The hoi polloi are complaining that the Hep C medicinal treatment cost a thousand bucks a pill and remains out of reach of your more common street whores. Anderson encouraged those working women to be super famous twenty-five years ago if possible. Failing that, anal will get you to your financial goals thirty-percent faster. If there’s only enough medicine for some of us, that medicine needs to go to the chicks who refuse to commit to reducing their risky behavior in the future. C’mon, Hef, give us some Hepatitis drugs if you please.

Photo credit: Pamela Anderson/Instagram

Pamela Anderson Tits for Critters

By Lex October 27, 2015 @ 9:31 AM

Pamela Anderson Side Boob For Animal Benefit
Pamela Anderson’s passion for saving animals measures equally to her desire to throw back a couple or three Stoli and tonics and show off her most recent version of tits. Anderson seamlessly combines her two driving forces in a never ending set of braless appearances where even the animals are starting to casually shuffle a distance away when pictures are taken. Being slaughtered, cooked, and consumed by another species is not the worst fate. Old drunk lady fake tits make everybody nervous.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet/Getty

Nothing Says Save the Animals Like Celebrity Tits

By Lex October 01, 2015 @ 10:27 AM

Cleavage For Peta
PETA has figured out that sex sells a message. Also that 95% of the general population loves eating animals more than making sure they have three square meals a day and subsidized cable. Consider naked ladies your last best option for changing minds. PETA used to run porn-disguised click bait on blogs for men that featured naked women and sex acts and led you to an animal rights page. They’ve put naked women with college loans and no idea how to pay for them into cages dressed as tigers and aardvarks. Aardvark if you showed up first that day.

Just for a Hollywood fundraiser PETA will drag out Joanna Krupa and Pamela Anderson and foie-gras style force feed them Stoli until their eyes are half open and their tis are half out. Does any of this work in changing hearts and minds? I don’t know. We’re still killing hormone injected cows with giant Wile E. Coyoto ACME hammers and the Japanese are still eating whale blubber with their Cheerios. Bob Barker already covered off the spaying and neutering business. All these tits may just be gratuitous. Which would make it PETA’s greatest accomplishment. The animals have to be laughing at us. Fuckers. Let’s eat.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Pam Anderson Still Kicking

By Matt August 17, 2015 @ 8:08 AM

Anderson

I jerked off to this chick in high school. I’m now 78 years old. Pamela Anderson is the trophy wife you wish you’d divorced. And then remarried and divorced again just to cum on her numb tits while she showed all the emotion of a car getting a wax. Anderson is a big PETA supporter. I wonder where they test hep C drugs. Probably just on the carpet. Marrying Tommy Lee and the Paris Hilton fuck tape trust fund guy was a good move in retrospect. Most people try. You just said fuck it. Did that goat just eat you out or was it the other lesbian? Sorry, it’s a horse.

Photo Credit: Twitter