By Lex July 28, 2014 @ 3:07 PM
It’s the ass shadow version of Punxsutawney Phil. When Pam Anderson and her new Jane Fonda hair flash crack, it means she’s giving her unemployed husband six more weeks to bang her before she finalizes the divorce proceedings. It’s a test. A solid boffing can buy Rick Salomon some more time to live off of Pam’s assets the creditor’s haven’t yet seized. He is a gambler by nature. I see him going at this with the full fervor of a man who works three nights a year. I was going to ask for my Williams Sonoma salad bowl back, but I’m going to delay that request. I think these two kids really might make it.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Matt July 11, 2014 @ 3:18 PM
Pamela Anderson turned the sentiment of her recent divorce into a string of prose so horribly absurd, Satan ordered rats to dig into Robert Frost’s grave and fuck his skull. Long and rambling, Pam’s poem presents dystopian views critical of the digital age, like it was written by Phillip K Dick if he had an itchy vagina and a coke habit. It touches frequently on her husband’s infidelity:
Coded, and loaded Cell phones,
Ordering sex on line-
is like ordering a book on Amazon–
and … snooping eats you alive–
Anderson is apparently surprised that the trust fund kid who fucked the herpes out of Paris Hilton on camera is prone to cheating. Then the poem devolves into a most likely plagiarized Skinemax plot of a movie Pam starred in, as she has a mystical lesbian encounter with a European prostitute:
BG- looking for a little human contact?
Playful seduction? …
ME- “I’m so Hungry…”
BG- Her heart was racing—
It was barely dawn –
Bathed in perfect light-
magic hour– –
ME- “Everyone looks good this early”
BG- Even cats and hummingbirds
Then it just gets real weird as Anderson becomes critical of pornography which I guess she renounced after making much of it and selling it online.This passage could not be ignored:
I know I won’t compete with a computer–
or – a gaggle of hollywood boys hiring poor
Russian girls to swallow loaves of bread
up their anus’?-
I don’t know how many Pulitzer winning poems contain the word Anus but I think its slim to none. Even gay romantic poets use the term ‘Stargate to romance’. I can’t say Pam’s poetry is any worse than Maya Angelou, though I think it’s fair to say it is worse than any other poetry ever written by somebody who wasn’t experiencing a high school breakup. It’s probably best for Pam to stick to what she knows, finding a new shitty husband to make her forget about the last.
Photo Credit: Getty Images
By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Pamela Anderson was showing off her yabbos and picking coins up off the ground over the weekend to get back in touch with that hopeful young girl just arrived in Los Angeles twenty-five years ago. Pam’s truly come full circle. Marrying the same men she used to marry, bending over to get attention, and waiting for a Hollywood producer to tell her there’s a slasher movie with a role just for her tits. I hope it works out for her. Malibu’s a particularly shitty place to live off found nickels.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, Splash
By Lex May 30, 2014 @ 1:31 PM
At some point in every woman’s life, she has to ask herself, am I ready to cut my hair short and start looking more like Ellen. You can pretend the pixie cut or the Robin Wright or the bob is cute and darling as it shall be so described by your friends. But even those coffee klatchers are now thinking to themselves, finally, I don’t have to worry about my husband wanting to nail you while I’m out of town visiting my mother. Pam Anderson cut her hair short so she’d be taken more seriously in her middle years. Also, it’s a bitch to get vomit out of tangled long locks. But when it was time for the insanely crappy World Music Awards, Pam wanted to let the world know she was still fecund and very much all woman. So she purchased numerous locks of Heather Locklear 80′s hair off that guy on eBay who sells everything and had a whore toupee assembled that was a nearly 46% match to her own natural hair. Pam was truly the belle of the ball, un-phased by many people asking her in French if her new husband was indeed that same guy who fucked Paris Hilton on night vision camera.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex May 20, 2014 @ 12:29 PM
Everybody bitches about aging, but most ignore the dramatic impact of watching the masturbation fantasies of your youth inevitably transforming into your great aunt Marjorie. When Pam Anderson was in Playboy, I was there with her. Baywatch, I wrapped myself in the Canadian Flag and hummed a tune. When I saw how she treated Tommy Lee on tape, I thought to myself, man, I could be happy being married to her vagina. But the more time that passes, the clearer the need for some kind of Logan’s Run solution for blond bombshells. I don’t want to ever have to see Kate Upton climbing over her own muffin top to reach the incontinent adult diapers at the supermarket. I’m not saying we zap all these women from existence by age 30. That totally ignores the impact of modern day nutrition and exercise regimens in delaying the aging process. 35 seems more appropriate. Thank you for your service, here’s a medal, now if you could please stand here on this red X on look at the picture of the cute puppies on the wall.
Photo Credit: Splash, AKM-GSI
By Lex April 15, 2014 @ 3:25 PM
With age comes wisdom. Though depending on your IQ starting point, you easily could just be an older stupid person. Pamela Anderson has a few regrets looking back on her long career of showing off her tits. Amazingly, she didn’t mention the drugs or drinking or disease or sex tape or failed marriages or drowned kid in her pool. She didn’t even have the wherewithal to note her crappy new haircut. Her big regret is posing nude in Playboy. Which confirms for me what I’ve always believed — women who say they’re biggest regret is posing in Playboy have so many fucked up issues worse than ever posing in Playboy they should get a kick in the kidney with a boot for even saying it aloud. Pamela says that her Playboy photos caused her two boys to be pestered and bullied in school growing up. I’m guessing you do get some ribbing when your chums have all masturbated to your moms nude photos. Though probably not as much as when you’re mom shows up snockered to school functions with her tits falling out of her top and Tommy Lee’s feelgood caking on her face. It’s odd how people choose their biggest regret. My mom once told me she regretted not being pro-choice when younger. I like to think she had remorse for being so old-fashioned in her political views, but I know that’s not what she meant.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI