By Lex January 12, 2015 @ 12:01 PM
Nothing says, hang in there Haiti, we’ve got more bucks for building grade recycled cardboard like a couple veteran Hollywood inebriates showing up to help those wretched voodoo fuckers with a fundraising gala. Without an accurate BAC, it’d be tough to say who was more sauced between Sean Penn and Pamela Anderson. You only know above .20 one will try to fuck you and the other will kick you in the head and then try to fuck you. Everybody else assembled did what most people would do at a Save Haiti fundraiser. Pretended to care and wrote as small a check as they could get away with and then left for a party with better music. At last call, Charlize Theron and that unemployed poker playing slob chuckled knowingly to each other then went to go find their respective significant others in the toilet to give them the good news. Haiti has now been saved. Also, Detroit is on the rebound and Ebola dosed out properly regrows your hair makes your dick grow three inches. Off to bed now, kittens.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex December 29, 2014 @ 12:35 PM
There comes a time in every woman’s life when she realizes she’s no longer going to get six figures to strip for Mexican cartel chiefs and that chunky unemployed BFF might make a solid fall back position. He doesn’t bitch about the rashes or having to come saucer you up at 3am and he vaguely remembers the names of your kids stashed away at boarding school within trudging distance of the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station. If he had more credits than just the Paris Hilton sex tape to his name and didn’t gamble so much and maybe lost a few pounds he might be your knight in shining armor. But maybe now it’s time to settle for the fat squire in soiled britches. Silicon doesn’t age as gracefully as your other tetravalent metalloid.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 12:02 PM
You hate to see magazine people run out of ideas in series so quickly. When Maxim named Miley Cyrus the hottest woman in the universe despite her recessive marmoset features, the magazine circled the tank like a floater preparing for a five mile trek to waste treatment. Love magazine is only a few names into their video calendar feature series and they pulled out Pamela Anderson. When you don’t get the race car in Monopoly, you don’t dive down for thimble. You’ve got the battleship. The Scottie dog. Don’t back into the thimble just because it once blew Tommy Lee in all eighteen Southern California Norms restaurant parking lots one lost weekend.
Photo Credit: Love Magazine
By Lex October 09, 2014 @ 1:07 PM
I have that dreaded disease where you have trouble recognizing faces. Sometimes I walk right by a guy I spent three years sharing an apartment with or some girl I don’t recognize comes up and slaps me for having sex with her sister while we were still married. It’s confusing. I rely on body parts to figure out who’s who. Last week I identified Pamela Anderson in a car without needing to see her face. I can describe to you ever centimeter of her tits in greater detail than the Rover can digitally map out the surface of Mars. I look at this blond chick and all I see is drunk stripper with a mullet. Without her tits hanging out, she may as well be a coat rack. I know many men who don’t have my same ailment still share a similar opinion.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex October 03, 2014 @ 10:26 AM
Calling Pamela Anderson’s tit hanging out of her dress a wardrobe malfunction is something akin to the mustached dude at the park innocently explaining how he forgot his pants. These aren’t mere accidents. However Pam’s tits are being measured these days, cc’s, liters, calcified jizz layer depth, they certainly aren’t going to stay contained in a braless negligee top. And why should they? Those tits are a good reason many people came to this country. In fact, they were the reason Pam came to this country. You don’t just mummify those fuckers and preserve them for the hereafter. These two jugs represent the sole remaining public interest in Pam Anderson, her drink, her poker playing unemployed husband, and all the other Pam Anderson shit that ranks anywhere in Google’s top 100,000 results pages. It’s the tits, stupid. Fuck, have a cocktail or four and let them fly, sister.
Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews
By Lex August 21, 2014 @ 7:37 AM
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News