Paris Hilton’s Teen Boyfriend Loves to Makeout

By Lex May 21, 2013 @ 3:56 PM

Paris Hilton doesn’t have time for kissing. Snort, suck, hump, and a love splash in the good eye. That’s all the modern blonde heiress needs to keep her batteries charged. Especially when you’re on a busy club promotional schedule like Paris is in Cannes. But this high school boy she totes around like a purse dog keeps going Happy Days on her at their every port of call. Even Paris knows the golden rule — you don’t kiss a porn star. If that’s your plan for hiding from The Herp, you are sadly mistaken, son.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Paris Hilton Waves to Her People

By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 2:15 PM

Paris Hilton In Low Cut Dress At The Wendy Williams Show
Paris Hilton would make a great dictator’s wife. It’s not her built in sieg heil salute so much as her ability to stare blankly, smile, and wave to uninterested passersby in the street and pretend they are sdoring fans. She can speak for an hour on any topic and never leave an intelligible sound bite. And, if someday her husband’s head got cut off in a coup d’etat, she’d have no trouble swearing allegiance and hopping on top of the guy who took over. Plus, she loves shoes.

Here’s Paris outside the Wendy Williams show putting on her best Eva Peron.

Photo Credit: INF, PCN, WENN

Paris Hilton Was Born to Sell

By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 12:29 PM

Paris Hilton At The Opening Of Hakkasan In Las Vegas
If I told you that a blonde-haired lazy-eyed herp-ridden cocaine-addled heiress would someday become the world’s most successful nightclub promotions pimp, you’d tell me, duh, that that was completely obvious. Nobody whores up nightclub openings better and bigger and with more fake enthusiasm than Paris Hilton. I don’t care if she’s double dutching two bottles of Cristal in Riyadh or ringing the bell for a helado cart at a park in East Los Angeles, Paris Hilton brings in a ton of really stupid people with cash money to events. When she’s older, Paris will be standing in front of Sizzler restaurants with her house coat slit up to her supportive undergarments, her new robotic left eye auto-scanning the perimeter for potential early bird dinner sales. But that’s not for like five more years.

Here’s Paris in gold at yet another Vegas nightclub opening. She likely pocketed low six figures to preen for an hour and then get wasted in the club dancing for another hour. So, who’s laughing now. Well, besides her drug dealer.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Quick Thoughts from Coachella: Paris Hilton

By Lex April 15, 2013 @ 2:14 PM

Paris Hilton And Boyfriend At Coachella
Every year Paris Hilton shows up to Coachella with a new boyfriend. Yes, I know I said that about Kate Bosworth, but it’s also true for Paris Hilton. Also the part about the drugs and the fucking. But Paris does it every year while dressed like some kind of Native American, if Native Americans paid many many colorful stones for their clothing. Her male model teen boyfriend seemed to like it. But he seemed happy just to be outside and in the summer ensemble from Target that Paris bought him fit in.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN, FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Swatted (And Not For Cash This Time)

By Lex March 27, 2013 @ 1:15 PM

Paris Hilton is the latest victim in one of the stupidest practical jokes going on in Hollywood — swatting. Some tool cals the cops and says somebody is breaking into a celebrity home and they send the SWAT team out in choppers and fighter jets to contain the situation. I guess it’s sort of kind of funny except that the celebrity is never really home and the cops are the ones who get pranked and waste their time while Paris just goes on snorting lines at a D.J. show in Miami completely unaware. So perhaps the most poorly conceived practical joke ever. Wake me when a prank results in an assault rifle being put to Paris’ lazy eye. That’d be funny.

Here’s one of Paris’ incredibly crappy music videos, in case you ever start feeling bad for thinking mean thoughts about her.

Ford Pulled Its Ads That Joked About Killing The Kardashians

By Travis March 25, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

An ad company in India is neck-deep in the proverbial shit after it ran two ads for the Ford Figo that portrayed violence toward women. JWT India’s ads made fun of former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi and his love for adultery, as well as the one-time feud between Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Specifically, people were pissed over the ad images showing women tied up and gagged in the trunk of the cars with the slogans “Leave Your Worries Behind”.

Ford never actually approved or even saw the ads to begin with, but the automobile manufacturer nevertheless issued an apology.

“We deeply regret this incident and agree with our agency partners that it should have never happened. The posters are contrary to the standards of professionalism and decency within Ford and our agency partners. Together with our partners, we are reviewing approval and oversight processes to help ensure nothing like this ever happens again.” (Business Insiders)

It’s easy to see why women would be upset with that Berlusconi ad, because it’s a guy with three bound and gagged women in his trunk, so obviously that means men are disgusting brutes that kill women. “Why isn’t there an ad with men tied up in the trunk,” a girl in a flannel shirt probably yelled at her cat. But give me a break with the feigned outrage over the Kardashians ad.

The team at JWT India shouldn’t be fired because they made a cartoon that mocked the brutalization of Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. They should be fired because they’re too stupid to know that Paris Hilton is a cultural afterthought with a lazy eye and probably a prescription for Valtrex.

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