In 2006, Paris Hilton starred in a movie called "National Lampoon's Pledge This!"  It currently ranks as the 15th worst movie of all time on IMDb.  If you somehow never even heard of this POS, you’re not alone, and now the producers are suing Hilton because of that fact.  OK magazine says…

Worldwide Entertainment Group, the company behind the movie, is suing the celebutante for $75,000 because they claim she did not fulfill the "reasonable promotion and publicity" part of her agreement. The hotel heiress, who recently starred in the similarly dismal The Hottie & the Nottie, was paid $1 million to appear in and "executive produce" it — not a bad deal considering the film barely managed to gross that much in global ticket sales and never even had a U.S. release.

I hope the producers lose because they deserve it for even hiring Paris Hilton.  If you’re dumb enough to work with her you deserve what you get.  Oh, gee, she fucked everything up, no way.  That is truly shocking.  That she showed up at all is the miracle of our times.  Her doing press afterwards would have been an achievement on par with the harnessing of fire.

Paris Hilton was walking around last night with Benji Madden or Joel Madden or whichever one it is she dates, and she looked suspiciously pregnant while doing it.  So if you’re wondering if I’ve been put in charge yet, this is how you can the answer is "no".  My plan calls for Paris Hilton to be flipped upside down and then we’ll fill her vagina with cement.  I know it's sounds radical, but it’s the only way to be sure.  I'm tough but fair.

Page Six says today that Paris Hilton thinks she and ex-BFF Nicole Richie should get married to their boyfriends, Benji and Joel Madden, in a lavish double ceremony, despite the fact that only half the people in this story are engaged.  Why?  True love of course.  Wait, no.  Money.  I meant to say money.

Hilton said she wants to do it in order to sell the pictures from the wedding and thinks she could rake in millions, said one pal. "She's doing it all for attention, as usual," said the friend. "It's a publicity stunt, just like everything else."

I hope they do have a big double wedding.  That's when I'll use my telepathy to slam the doors shut and kill everyone.  Muhahahah!

Paris Hiltons latest foray into reality television is supposed to be some train wreck where she auditions people to be her next best friend.  And apparently that’s every bit as appealing as you might think.  EW says…

The makers of Paris’s new reality show were hoping for a huge turn-out of potential applicants for casting calls.  However, they didn’t get the number of people they had hoped for. One source tells OK!: “There were less than 40 people there."

And they said many of the 40 were just fuckups looking to get on TV, with no intention of going through with this nonsense.  Instead of a show where she tries to find a best friend, how about a show where we put her in a rocket and shoot her into the sun.  I know that doesn’t sound like a compromise in the traditional sense, but it is if you consider that I wanted to do a show where we imprisoned her on Monster Island.