Paris Hilton Signed To Cash Money Records

By Travis May 23, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

It turns out that Paris Hilton has a pretty good reason to be hanging out at the de Grisogono cocktail party and Roberto Cavalli’s yacht party with her boyfriend River Viiperi – she’s a music superstar. Anyone who was hoping her forgotten 2006 album, “Paris”, would be her only attempt to pretend she was an artist can start tying the noose, because she’s not only going to release a new album next year, but it will be produced by Cash Money Records.

Yesterday, Cash Money co-founder Birdman Tweeted, “Welcome@ParisHilton to tha Family.RichgangRichgirl.YMCMB” to make the news official, while she responded, “Thanks BO$$! Happy to be apart of the family. #PH?YMCMB” and music fans everywhere died on the inside. Paris already recorded the single “Last Night” with Cash Money star Lil Wayne last year, but this new album will be all house music.

In related news, drug dealers at EDM festivals are going to have an amazing 2014.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Alessandra Ambrosio Looks Nice At Cannes

By Travis May 22, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio could have Fran Drescher’s voice and Amanda Bynes’ brain and she’d probably still be invited to everything from the Cannes Film Festival to the birth of Jesus because of her amazing ability to stand in one place and look gorgeous. Alessandra attended last night’s De Grisogono party at Cannes, probably just because the company’s founder, Fawaz Gruosi, wanted to take a picture with her and post later on his Facebook that he totally banged her.

Also at the party was Paris Hilton, who still shows up to these A-list events because I assume people just gave up at telling her to fuck off. But if Alessandra were smart, she would have stood next to Paris until everyone there eventually named her the most beautiful woman on Earth.

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Paris Hilton’s Teen Boyfriend Loves to Makeout

By Lex May 21, 2013 @ 3:56 PM

Paris Hilton doesn’t have time for kissing. Snort, suck, hump, and a love splash in the good eye. That’s all the modern blonde heiress needs to keep her batteries charged. Especially when you’re on a busy club promotional schedule like Paris is in Cannes. But this high school boy she totes around like a purse dog keeps going Happy Days on her at their every port of call. Even Paris knows the golden rule — you don’t kiss a porn star. If that’s your plan for hiding from The Herp, you are sadly mistaken, son.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Paris Hilton Waves to Her People

By Lex May 03, 2013 @ 2:15 PM

Paris Hilton In Low Cut Dress At The Wendy Williams Show
Paris Hilton would make a great dictator’s wife. It’s not her built in sieg heil salute so much as her ability to stare blankly, smile, and wave to uninterested passersby in the street and pretend they are sdoring fans. She can speak for an hour on any topic and never leave an intelligible sound bite. And, if someday her husband’s head got cut off in a coup d’etat, she’d have no trouble swearing allegiance and hopping on top of the guy who took over. Plus, she loves shoes.

Here’s Paris outside the Wendy Williams show putting on her best Eva Peron.

Photo Credit: INF, PCN, WENN

Paris Hilton Was Born to Sell

By Lex April 30, 2013 @ 12:29 PM

Paris Hilton At The Opening Of Hakkasan In Las Vegas
If I told you that a blonde-haired lazy-eyed herp-ridden cocaine-addled heiress would someday become the world’s most successful nightclub promotions pimp, you’d tell me, duh, that that was completely obvious. Nobody whores up nightclub openings better and bigger and with more fake enthusiasm than Paris Hilton. I don’t care if she’s double dutching two bottles of Cristal in Riyadh or ringing the bell for a helado cart at a park in East Los Angeles, Paris Hilton brings in a ton of really stupid people with cash money to events. When she’s older, Paris will be standing in front of Sizzler restaurants with her house coat slit up to her supportive undergarments, her new robotic left eye auto-scanning the perimeter for potential early bird dinner sales. But that’s not for like five more years.

Here’s Paris in gold at yet another Vegas nightclub opening. She likely pocketed low six figures to preen for an hour and then get wasted in the club dancing for another hour. So, who’s laughing now. Well, besides her drug dealer.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Quick Thoughts from Coachella: Paris Hilton

By Lex April 15, 2013 @ 2:14 PM

Paris Hilton And Boyfriend At Coachella
Every year Paris Hilton shows up to Coachella with a new boyfriend. Yes, I know I said that about Kate Bosworth, but it’s also true for Paris Hilton. Also the part about the drugs and the fucking. But Paris does it every year while dressed like some kind of Native American, if Native Americans paid many many colorful stones for their clothing. Her male model teen boyfriend seemed to like it. But he seemed happy just to be outside and in the summer ensemble from Target that Paris bought him fit in.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, PCN, FameFlynet